amyrose

I’m going to start out by saying this blog is NOT meant to be a pity party for me, just simple documentation of what I have learned about myself lately and how it effects me.  I am certainly not trying to make excuses for myself, this change of lifestyle is just that, a change, and there are many different ones that come along with changing your eating and exercise habits.  This is simply one story about mine, please bare with me as a assume it will just be a bunch of random thoughts.

The week started out OK, feeling great, a new plan to incorporate more cardio, you know what, beyond that who knows…..

My random thoughts ~

I’m tired and feel overwhelmed, it seems when I put myself first, my housework suffers, then the chaos at home makes me feel overwhelmed, so I stay up late to get things in order, then I’m tired in the morning and don’t want to exercise or prepare the right foods, so I eat bad and then my way of dealing with it all after awhile is to just sleep.  Some people get insomnia, not me, I just check out.  Actually this is something I’ve known about myself for quite a long time, but now it is affecting my fitness goals and I can’t have that.  Luckily for me I realized this sooner rather than later and this cycle only lasted a couple of days this time, usually it can go on for quite some time. (I guess I really am starting to change my thinking as well)  So, I have decided that it truly is time to rally the troops in my home and enforce the fact that everyone has to pitch in.  My kids ages 8, 7 and 4 certainly need to learn how to help out more.  They are great kids, and with the proper guidance I think it will help me (and of course them in the long run).  Bottom line, I’m tired, I don’t work well in chaos, when my house is trashed, my mind lives in chaos and I can’t focus on anything else.

Funny thing is, this morning when I woke up after days of eating bad, not exercising, basically feeling like $hit, complete with feeling like I was about 500 lbs., my belly felt strong, lean and you all know that’s my trouble spot.  I am choosing to believe it was my body’s way of saying "Please don’t give up on me!" (typing these words just brought tears to my eyes).  It is so true, I have to believe in myself, I have to believe that I am worth it, that I deserve this.  9 years of staying home, leaving the corporate world, redefining who I am over and over thruout these years and trying to settle into the the fact that it is OK to put myself first has been a challenge.  I am still redefining. . . . . 

The last couple days motto for me . . .

"FAIL TO PLAN, PLAN TO FAIL"

So, this blog is no whining or excuses because there aren’t any except per laziness.  I’m disappointed in myself and that’s all I’ve got! (Except for a bunch of swear words that I won’t write on here).

These are the words my husband had to endure for today.  He took the day off after returning from his business trip, little did he know that he would be bombarded with this question about a million times.  So my trainer bailed on me this morning, sick from his cheat/earn day yesterday.  So, I wrapped my mind around working out at home and went downstairs to do my weights then cardio.  Today was legs,abs,shoulders and bis.  After bis I tried to flex my arm to see if I could see anything (the key word here is tried), what I saw is the pic I just posted.  I call my husband into the room and say "Do ya see muscle there?  Is it muscle or is it just fat? What is it, I think I see muscle lurking somewhere under that fat, Do you?  Huh, do ya?"  Then after the pics, "do ya see it?"  Again, "what is it, muscle, what do you think?"  Yet again, after posting on bb, "do ya see it?  What does it look like to you?  Muscle?  Fat?  Combination of both?"  Ok, I know the answer, it is a combination.  My husband says "Yes, I see muscle", my response "really, do ya? or are you just being nice?"  Poor man, I must have drove him crazy! It’s just unbelievable to me, is there really definition in my arm or just an optical illusion?  I am high on the fact that I may actually be seeing muscle, payment for this hard work!  Crazy!

OK, but I must ask this community, what do you guys think?  Is it truly muscle definition I’m seeing, do you see what I’m seeing?

Well, Do ya? . . . . . 

Happy Easter to everyone!

I must write to vent my negative feelings right now, this is a day to be rejoicing not feeling sorry for myself, so I just need to get this out and then be done with these feelings.  Woke up this morning feeling pretty good about myself, looked in the mirror, seems to be progress, had hubby take pics, UGH, can I say it again, UGH!!!!!  Once again mortified at the fact that I posted them.  Why don’t they ever match the way I feel, the day the fat is gone just can’t come soon enough, just want to cry .  Tomorrow I see my boy and will have him kick my butt once again. 

Ok, done with negativity, time to focus on the most important meaning of today!!!

1 Peter 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead…

With tomorrow being the first day of spring, isn’t it interesting how we all view things so differently?  Here in WNY, we certainly have the change of seasons and some may even go so far to say it’s mostly winter.  Me personally, I love the winter, the crisp air, beautiful fresh snow that sparkles in the sunlight.  For me there is nothing more beautiful and refreshing than a walk outside on a winter day.  Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly times when I curse it, wish I could be outside more, long to see the spring flowers, but for the most part I just love winter.  Today, was a rainy day, misty rain, you know the kind that makes everyone have a bad hair day!  Very foggy and overcast, talking to my Mom she said how depressing the day was, as I’m sure many in this area felt today.  I on the other hand, saw the rain as cleansing, preparing the earth for the beauties that spring has to offer.  Maybe, the changes I’m making in my attitude towards myself have helped me to view today as anything but depressing . . .

My workout today was legs,tris,back and abs, and it was great! Saw my trainer and worked hard, even moved up a level with my ab exercises.  This is huge for me, my belly (as all can see) is truly my trouble area, my weak spot.  After 3 babies, my belly was anything but firm, so today’s progress was very exciting to me.  Another wonderful thing was that when I walked into the gym and greeted my boy he said WOW, you look leaner!  What??? You talking to me?  No, really now, come on, I just saw him on Monday, he said "REALLY, you look leaner"! . . .   OK, I’ll take it.  My current issue is that I know I’m making progress, but the fat is changing and makes me look even worse.  I know, it’s breaking down and that’s a good thing, but it just looks awful.  My weight and measurements are down, so I know that’s progress, but I really have to be patient and that’s becoming hard to do.  I have not been eating enough meals and that’s an issue, sometimes it’s so hard to convince myself that eating more is truly going to make me leaner.  We will be going over my daily diets on Friday.

So, a question for anyone who knows or cares to comment . . . my belly can be sort of flat in the morning, but by evening it sometimes looks like when I started, what’s up with that???  Is it bloating???  Is it just from eating???  I’m a regular kind of girl, so I don’t think it’s that.  Is this normal???  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????  Maybe I’m the one that needs to cleanse . . . any thoughts?

So, I will kiss my snowman goodbye and wish you all a HAPPY SPRING!

Days 19-20

My cardio today was great!  Can’t believe those words actually came out of my mouth, never thought I would say such a thing, never thought it was possible to put those words together to form a sentence.  Yes, I struggle with cardio…it’s a mental game to get me there and then keep me there to finish.  So, today was just cardio, went downstairs on my treadmill and couldn’t believe how strong I felt.  I completed a 2min run/1 min walk for 35 minutes.  My mental attitude and physical strength was so different, maybe I’ve turned that corner. 

I have been feeling terrible from a cold, but yesterday decided to see my trainer regardless, wanted to sweat it out of me.  He was surprised and so was I at my strength, he said I should get sick more often.  I did take it a little slower, just because my chest would start to hurt from congestion if I started breathing to hard, although I am sore today so I know the weights didn’t suffer too much!  I was shocked yesterday by my strength during sickness and today by the way I felt with cardio, maybe I am changing, YAY!!!  Regardless of why, I am embracing this feeling,  I know there will be challenges but I believe I am past the point of everyday being one.  Today I felt great!

PS - I also survived the "rat castle" . . . you know girlfriend, I wouldn’t have it any other way!  Rocking chair moments of wiping tears and holding hands.

Ugh!  This is how I feel today, but let me back track a little…..

Thursday - disecting owl pellets with my son was very cool!  There were a couple of gaggers in the class, aren’t kids at this age supposed to like gross things?  Anyway, the pellets really weren’t gross, very fun seeing what was inside.

I have been very tired lately and finally the reason why.  I have a cold that is making my head feel like it is going to explode!  The rest of this weekend has been kind of low key, shopping on Saturday for two birthday parties this weekend, last night one party and this afternoon the other.  Todays party is at Chuck E. Cheese, for those of you that don’t know what this is, it is a kid’s place with video games, a hamster type tunnel to crawl thru, loud bells and whistles, screaming kids and a bunch of stuff that kids love and the type of place that makes parents scream "BARF-O-RAMA" (well at least this parent).  My kids will love it and it is for my very good friend’s daughter so, there is no place else I would be! (you know what they say about payback, girlfriend ).  I am sure my head will explode here, well maybe I will just bring my ipod or earplugs.

I have been eating clean, just not enough I’m sure because of this cold.  My workouts have suffered a bit, I am just beat!  My husband is on a business trip, so it’s just me and this cold is getting the better of me.  Well, I will rest up after the party and hit it hard come Monday, maybe I can sweat it out of me…..here’s hoping!

I have been doing great with the workouts and believe it or not cardio too!  Worked out with julofthenile on saturday at my house, which was great.  I definitely push myself harder when someone is with me, so that was an added bonus on saturday.  The clean eating has been going well to, except that last night I stuffed pizza and chicken fingers in my mouth.  LESSON LEARNED!!! These things WILL NOT be a cheat meal for me!  About 10 minutes after I did it, I felt like I had the flu, I started to sweat, felt sick to my stomach and of course the carb headache to boot.  Just the thought of pizza today makes me ill.  Funny thing was, that as terrible as I felt last night, this morning I felt so thin, lean.  I was very tired this morning, but because of a restless night with my kids, actually thought of canceling with my trainer.  I didn’t and went to see him, I was strong, didn’t miss a beat. Very funny the way the body responds . . . I’m still learning mine.

All in all I feel great, strong, really starting to LIVE this lifestyle.  I have two birthday parties this weekend and I’m already planning the meals I will take with me.  The thought of eating anything but my food is just unacceptable at this point.  It is so strange for my to feel this and write it down because so much of my life has revolved around food.  Thinking of events that I would attend and thinking about all the food that I would be able to eat.  What food would be there, how great dessert was going to taste.  You know, as I write this it almost sounds like some sort of disorder.  Now that I think about it, I am still thinking about the food, but in a much healthier way. . . so I guess I’m ahead.

Tomorrow I’m off to disect owl pellets with my son in his 3rd grade class, I’ve never done this, very cool!!! Then my daughter and I are off to lunch with my Mom at her work (of course I’m bringing mine).  Looking forward to a very nice day!!!  

Clean for the rest of last night and clean so far today!  Went to the gym this morning and had a great workout with my trainer, complete with 30min. cardio after.  I just can’t go into more detail because I’m just so excited, Why you say?  Well, let me share . . . my trainer took measurements today, my last numbers were from 1/14/08.

Arm ~ gained .25", hopefully that’s muscle, today I am believeing it is!

Chest ~ stayed the same, yay, I’m not losing the girls yet! (I know it’s inevitable, but for today, YAY!)

Stomach ~ Lost .75"

Waist ~ Lost .75"

Thigh ~ Lost .50"

Be gone my trouble spots!!!  I am so happy today, even the stupid people I had to deal with after the gym didn’t get me down.  Still have to vent about them a little . . . so after the gym I went to get my protein, since I only have one scoop left . . . the store is out of the flavor I like, so they call another store and they say they have it.  Great you think, well I had to drive about another 15 miles away from the direction of home (already 20 miles away) and the stupid girl has a mass building product and NONE of my protein in the store.  OK, on a normal day, annoying yes but today we are in 100% Buffalo mode.  The snow is falling faster than the plows can plow and the majority of the people that live here are acting as though they just moved here from Florida and this is the first time they’ve seen snow.  Now, I’m not one of those people that drives like a maniac and I’m not one that drives 5mph either, but come on people . . . back to the original store, grabbed a new flavor and off I go (yeah, I know, should have done that to start).  What annoys me even more about the stupid girl is it took longer than I had anticipated, I did not have enough food for this errand (ok, my fault) and I drank the water I have with me and I have to pee, BAD!!!  Slow drivers, stupid girl, forgetful me . . . so I have to stop at the grocery store anyway.  Well, I get there and they’re cleaning it… are you kidding me, so I just barge in and say "don’t care who’s in here, I have to go".

Here I am, at home, have a spaghetti dinner at the kids school tonight (I WILL be bringing my own food) and I’m still riding the high of my inches lost even after a day of craziness.  What beautiful motivation!!!

This is the question I am asking myself after diving head first into the Harvest Cheddar Sun Chip bag  and getting a carb headache to punish myself with . . .  My one son just loves them and afterschool he opened the bag and my 3 children and I preceded to polish off the bag!  So, now I’m trying to justify this by telling myself that I have listened to julofthenile for the past I don’t know how many days, talk about the importance of cheat meals.  I know people on BFL have a cheat day, the Biggest Loser show has cheat days, I have heard others talk about cheat meals and/or days . . . I wouldn’t call this a meal, but nonetheless a cheat.  Have I earned this?  Some may say yes, but I don’t think so . . .

Today was cardio, which I accomplished this morning, feeling very good.  I have eaten clean all day, took a nasty stroll into carbville and plan on eating clean for the rest of the evening.  Someone at the gym said to me once "when you want to cheat, think about how it will make you feel both physically and mentally".  I have been successful at this for 7-1/2 complete days, this afternoon however, I did not ask myself this question and blew it.  Yes, physically I have a headache and a stomach ache and mentally I am beating myself up.  I completely understand the meaning behind what she said . . .

I will focus on the remaining CLEAN moments of my day and let my trainer kick my a$$ tomorrow at the gym . . .