amyrose

Walking outside this morning, to take my daughter to school, we saw a rainbow. Some may think, no big deal, but in her eyes and mine it was beautiful. You see she is 4 years old and this was the first rainbow she had ever seen. Once we arrived at school you could see it from the classroom window, many of the children had never seen one, their reactions were completely priceless. I am the kind of person that finds pleasure in the small things in life and for some reason this morning the rainbow experience with my daughter and the other children made me remember what a gift life truly is and how not living a healthy lifestyle could possibly be robbing me of mine.  So today I will remember this and use God’s promise to make a promise to myself to stay on this healthy road for a better life.

OK, so I have been stumbling thru my new attempt at this lifestyle change once again, not perfect but trying, and then yesterday I get a dose of reality in a text message.  "Hope you’re on your way girl, I’ll be with you soon.  Healing up and getting close to action.  If you haven’t, get on that horse!"  Yikes it was from my trainer.  REALITY, he is close to recovery and I know he will drag my butt to the gym.  I usually work out at home, but I am going to meet him at his gym, MWF, for about 6 weeks. He has been unable to work out himself for some time because of an injury and surgery, so I know he has an added fire in him and will really push me to do what he knows I’m capable of.  This excites and scares me at the same time.  I really need to get myself focused and moving before then. . . household duties call, hope all are well . . . more later.

This blog will be quick, I need to focus on some chores and errands today.  Since my visit to Carbville last Thursday night I have been very good with eating. Seems I am motivating both my husband and my Mom to make some changes as well.  Me, motivating!? That’s a new concept. Well, it really helps that the people closest to me are supportive. I have to say I am very blessed to have such a wonderful family. My Mom visits every Saturday, to spend time with the kids, unfortunately see brings treats for them, usually not a problem, but this weekend she brought frosted sugar cookies! You know the really soft, delicious, open the package and smell the flavor kind, oh sorry I got lost there a minute.  Very hard for me to resist, I must have talked myself out of taking one about a million times in two days. Now, my husband has a sweet tooth like noone I’ve ever seen, so I kept checking the package to see if he had eaten one, like maybe then it would be OK if I did (I can really justify anything), to my surprise he hadn’t. Well, that reasoning took me thru the weekend with those ?*&#!*! cookies. He never touched them!!! So, I just didn’t touch them either. Yeah, for me!

I have eaten clean for three straight days, starting my 4th today. Woke up early this morning and actually did 30 minutes of cardio, 2min walk - 2min run, it felt good and bad. Being heavy really makes it hard to move, hard on the body, but I am going to try and stay focused and incorporate this cardio into my days this week along with the clean eating. Baby steps … I need to remember that this is a lifestyle change that will benefit me and my family. 

I want to start this blog by using every swear word I know, but as always I have noone to blame but myself!  I have had a technical problem with the site, earlier found a way around it, but have been afraid to write about yesterday for fear that I may start seeing people delete me from their friends list.

OK, what I learned about myself yesterday … I have a very big problem with pasta!  After 3 days of eating clean, I stuffed myself with pasta last night.  I had food prepared for myself, but decided to pull the homemade sauce out of the freezer for my family along with pasta straight from Italy and I was like a shark having an out of control feeding frenzy.  I’m sure you’ve seen it, you know where one drop of blood makes the sharks go completely crazy … yeah that’s me with pasta.  My boys had cub scouts and it was easy and I guess I thought I could handle it.  Wrong again!!!  So I spent the night beating myself up about doing this and hiding behind a very large sweater in a meeting room that was very HOT!  Like I said before I am not a heat person but had to hide anyway.  Oh and let me also mention the very large handful of Mike & Ike candies I stuffed in my face.

So, let’s see if I can cry the blues some more.  I spent today very ill, my stomach hurt and I had a terrible headache, spent a good portion of the day on the couch in misery.  My body was loving me for eating clean and then punished me for that moment of who knows what, satisfaction, weakness, craziness? 

I started yesterday by waking up late, had to drive my kids to school and then off to a doctor’s appt.  So my breakfast was a protein bar, which a very good friend tells me is the wrong thing to start my day.  That it is too much sugar and will set me up for failure, yes jul, you were right, I craved carbs all day and was strong until I brought the dreaded pasta out.

So, no more pasta dinners until I can get myself under control.  I feel awful today, physically and mentally and I certainly can not continue to abuse my body this way.  I can’t believe after only 3 days I’m already having to re-examine myself.  I am so disappointed with myself. I know I need to just move on, I have to beat this obsession with food! 

I guess I’m still trying to figure out how to do that . . . . . 

tried to get into my bodyblog last night and i’m getting a word press error message, same thing this morning. writing this post thru my control panel to see if it will post. has anyone had this problem? i’m not a behind the scenes computer person, knowing about code and all that stuff, just a user and i feel like i’ve been cut off from my life line!

Another clean day with cardio first thing this morning. Believe me the cardio is nothing to write home about but I’m trying to at least create a habit of getting up early, before the kids, to get my cardio done. Boy, is it hard to move the mass that is my body! I know I shouldn’t be hard on myself, but I get so angry when I think that 4 months ago I was way past this point. The cardio was actually enjoyable and I was weight training as well, I can’t imagine how that will be when I start again, which will hopefully be next week.  When I talked to my trainer, he said it will come back easier this time than when I first started because of muscle memory, I can only hope.  I know it won’t be easy, but I really do want to be ready to get the most benefits when I start to train with him again.

My struggles today were once again variety.  I am OK with eating the same things, but when cooking for my family, I like to expose my kids to a variety. Yes, they are still young and have their favorites, but even they after awhile say "not chicken again".  Cooking at this point is challenging. I started reading on this site today and found that there are recipes here, I’m hoping to explore this for some new ideas.

Well, off to bed for me, the earlier mornings have me fading fast . . . . .

So, I woke up this morning thinking "How about starting today with some changes, starting with maybe some cardio and then a healthy breakfast?" I wanted to cry just thinking about all the food I couldn’t have.  Big baby, you can’t have it both ways.  My previous cardio was running (1min run, 1min walk) and I thought I would give it a try, well, the morning was fairly hot (I am not a heat person) so I decided I would ride my bike instead.  OK, it was a very poor attempt at cardio, but at least I wasn’t home eating handfuls of Cookie Crisp.

However, my eating was clean all day and I also drank 80 ounces of water. YEAH!  Today my body loves me.

It was a challenge, it’s amazing how many times I had to tell myself - don’t lick the peanut butter knife and especially not the fluff spoon, the jelly spoon that’s off limits too.  Oh, please just one bite of the fluffer nutter sandwich that’s left, NO!  What about the kids mac and cheese that’s left, NO!  How many calories I must injest just eating the kids leftovers. But, none of that today.

Day 1 - it was a start, have no idea how tomorrow will be, but I’m proud of myself because of today, and I was pretty happy as well, no beating myself up for bad food choices.  This site is fantastic, all the support so far really has made me start to be motivated. THANK YOU ALL!!!

Just posted a new pic of me in my current misery.  I am so mortified at myself, girlfriend may have friends reading her blogs and they may recognize me…I know this is about me and not what others think, it is so hard to put my pics out there, I just don’t know if I can keep them there…..

Just posted my pics . . . want to cry . . .

New to the site and have to put my feelings about my fitness out there in hopes that this time I will be successful.  I am very negative right now with lack of motivation. Very sorry that this post will be nothing but whining and a big slam to me from me, but my hope is that I can finally see what I am doing TO myself and not doing FOR myself.  My girlfriend loves the site and thought this would help me.  Well, I know I need to post pics, but there is not one part of me that I’m happy with right now.  December 2006, age 41, 3 beautiful kids, and a full figured body of 184lbs., so I decided that I would hire a personal trainer.  Lost 22 lbs. and 12 inches overall in a 6 month period. I was feeling great and thought I was on the road to a healthy lifestyle change.  My trainer needed surgery and off the wagon I fell.  Wasn’t able to depend on myself for the self-discipline I needed, so goes another chapter of my attempt to have a body that I’m happy with. Yes, of course I can blame him, but the reality is I was never truly able to incorporate all I had to do at the same time. I wasn’t being honest with myself.  I have done NOTHING since June 21st, except stuff my body full of bad food and gain 12 pounds back.

On Food-

My biggest problem is with FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!!!  Can I say it again FOOD!!!!!  I stress eat, I eat because of boredom, I over eat because it tastes good.  I have no self control.  I started to get headaches, my body was basically telling me to STOP the MADNESS.  When I was eating cleanly as best I could I felt great, more energy, more alive.  So why do I go back to my unhealthy habits?  A family to cook for, a husband and 3 kids, my trainer is recovering.  I want to expose my children to a variety of foods, so what does that mean, that it can’t be healthy choices, yes I know, excuses, excuses, excuses…

On Exercise -

OK, I hate it and love it at the same time, but mostly hate it.  I know I need to stay focused and dedicated long enough to make it a habit.  During that 6 months I felt so put together and strong, that was wonderful.  Why can’t I just stay on track, because it hurts, because I have 3 kids and a husband, because I can’t find the time, because my trainer is still recovering, yeah I know, excuses, excuses, excuses…

On Dieting -

NO MORE DIETING! It needs to be a lifetime of healthy eating, nothing else works.  I’ve seen this, lived this, it is time to make it a LIFETIME of healthy choices from this point on, not just a period of time in my life.  For myself and my family, my kids are 8, 7, and 4,  I absolutely want them to have healthy lives, not the struggles that I have gone thru my whole life, I have the power to show them what healthy choices are, but I have to live them also, for me and them.

Overall -

I am depriving myself of feeling great, I am depriving my kids, I am depriving my whole family of a happy wife and mother because I alone lack the self-discipline.  I am 42 years old, it’s time to be a big girl and take responsibility for what I’ve created for myself and the changes I need to make and if I’m not going to do this then I just need to accept myself the way I am and stop whining about it.  NO MORE EXCUSES.

What I’ve Learned about me -

I can’t seem to get the eating and exercise together all at once.  All the changes seem to be overwhelming and then I don’t seem to stick to anything, something ends up suffering.  My girlfriend seems to think I need to take baby steps … commit to at least one week of eating clean and drinking enough water.  Note to self, COMMIT TO ONE FULL WEEK OF SOMETHING.  Then, incorporate some cardio and so on. 

On My Current Choice -

Not real sure how this site works and how to get comments from anyone, would love some encouraging words if anyone out there is like me or was once like me…HELP!  I know pics help, so I will be posting them shortly, will show my previous progress and then a current pic.

Talked to my trainer yesterday, he will be ready to train me again in 6 weeks.  I want to get some sort of stamina back before I see him so that I can get the most out of his help.  I don’t want to waste his time.  So my question to me - What do I want?