amaliaeddene

I’ve continued to lift weight six days a week but I made the mistake of stepping on the scale a few days ago - I’ve gained 4 pounds since my discharge from the hospital three weeks ago. I’ve had some shitty days with eating [or lack there of] but I’m determined to get back on track. I can’t imagine the 4 pounds of weight is muscle- women (or men for that matter) don’t gain four pounds of muscle in three weeks-right? My Mom keeps asking if I lost weight, and honestly, I can’t tell the difference, but the number is killing me.

Oh well.

Tomorrow is a new day. I AM going to fall my meal plan. There is no trying involved. I just have to do it.

This would be week 2 of my pursuit to succeed. I’ve been following NROL4W, with the assistance of my Dad who critiques my [already perfect lol] form. I’m not sure how, but my Dad says my over enthusiasm is going to kill me. True, I REALLY want to lift every day, but I force myself to go through my off days. I hate cardio and don’t really care to do it, but lifting is like THE BEST thing ever. Hm.

My birthday is coming up and I am relentlessly asking my Mom to pay for SOS for me. I really need some more guided coaching. As much as I read about bodybuilding, I’m not quite sure how to apply it to me.

I was 86 pounds, and only skin and bones, when I was admitted to UCLA’s psychiatric ward for anorexia nervosa, a diagnosis that I had worked hard on for two years, but probably had since I came out of the womb. Of course, that’s an exaggeration, but not by much. My issues with food and body image built up for years and years, and when I finally left home for college, Fall 2007, they all spiraled out of control. I came home for Christmas break looking as if I had just escaped Auschwitz, although, I couldn’t see the reality of  my physical presence. After a doctor threatened to 5150 me, my only option was to seek treatment. I ended up at UCLA, one of the best eating disorder treatment centers in the world. Over the course of three months I unwillingly gained over 20 pounds, sat through hours of therapy, group therapy, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, this, that, and everything in between. I spent 8 weeks inpatient, and 4 weeks in partial. During one of my weeks in the partial program, I picked up Oxygen at the grocery store. I had read the magazine before, and had even once dreamed of being a Figure and Fitness competitor, but never pursued the interest. This one decision though, to purchase Oxygen along with my gum and coffee, was the single most productive act in my recovery. I found something to live for. My therapist told me that I was jumping from one obsession to another, but I disagreed. I had simply found something that I had once dreamed of doing (I was a gymnast for 12 years, the transition from there to fitness would be natural) but this time I was really going to pursue it. My Dad, a former bodybuilder, and New Rules of Lifting have started me off on this road that I WILL pursue and conquer. My goals are both modest and over the top. Right now, I just want to figure out what the hell I’m doing, build muscle, decrease fat, and then compete. Someday I want to earn a pro card and be one of the best figure competitors out there. So, here I go. Watch me FLY. (bwahaha how corny)

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