Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

You know it’s amazing what God can do for you when you step aside and let him work.  I am so thankful for all the blessing he has bestowed upon me.  It is wonderful to wake up every morning and know that I am not alone as I journey through Satan’s very own hell on earth. 

There was once a time in my life when I wasn’t sure so sure of that fact.  I can remember wondering if God really cared.  I asked myself if he cares so much, why did I hurt so badly. Why did it seem like everyone was breezing through life but me?  Everything appeared to be an obstacle I was forced to overcome.  I dreaded my days on this planet and longed for the end.  Frequently, I made star appearances at my very own personal pity party with a guest list of one.  I pouted and cried about how life had beat me down.  I replayed statements of self doubt over in my head like a broken record. 

I’m not exactly sure when I decided to let it all go.  Oh sure, I can list a host life events that catapulted me into handing my burdens over, but the exact day and time things turned around is a complete mystery.  All I know is there came a time in my life when I irrevocably got sick and tired and being sick and tired.  I finally gave God what I thought was a piece of my mind.  

I called on my savior to let him know I was in desperate need of saving.  I questioned, “God I am so tired of being here.  I hate my life and I hate me.  I can’t take this anymore.  I am sick of it.  I can’t change.  Every time turn around it’s something else.  I try to do right but I always do wrong.  I don’t even want to try anymore.  I thought you loved me.  Don’t you see me down here suffering?  Why won’t you save me?” 

God patiently replied with reassurance, “Yes, I love you and I haven’t taken my eyes off you since I created you.  You are one of my finest jewels.  I have great plans for you but you are responsible for your own suffering.  That, my dear, was your choice.  I sent Jesus to suffer so that you wouldn’t have too.  You MUST believe that or you wouldn’t even be speaking with me.   No man gets to the father but through the son.  The moment you accepted my son Jesus, I blessed you with my spirit to guide you.  I have laid before you a future filled with joy, hope, and peace but instead you decided to turn around and continue staring at your past of life destruction, desolation, and death.  You were so busy looking behind you forgot to turn around and take my hand.  I’ve always been here waiting and ready to carry into your future.  If you are ready now I am still waiting.  Let go of your pains and take my hand.  I know the way you don’t have to guess anymore.”

The minute I let go and let God my whole world begin to change.  He is remaking me from the inside out.  He has lit a fire in me that burns so bright I can’t hide even though I often try.   I have new lease on life.  Now I can say I accept my flaws and still know that I am a magnificent work of art delicately crafted by the master. I am his devoted solider.  Everyday I wake up ready to do his work.  My eyes are fixed on his vision.  Even though my mind can not fathom what God has in store for me around each corner I trust him with my life.  I faithful know that his plan is greater, bigger, and better than anything I can ask for or imagine (and I have HUGE imagination).  I have watched God sculpt my heart, my body, and my mind in a way the only he can.    

This maybe an off the wall blog, but I am so full of hope that I had to spill it out onto these pages for the world to see.  I can’t even count my blessing and to top it off he created a wonderful man just for me.  I am looking forward to become newlywed this February.  I CAN’T WAIT!!  God has been so good to me that I just can’t thank him enough so this is my pitiful attempt.

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanted to share that.

I need some advice, encouragement, or anything anyone can offer.  I am seriously frustrated and ready to call it quits.  I know that sounds dramatic but this plateau with up and down elevations is really kicking my butt and killing my motiviation.  I have been battling with the scale for over 2 months now.  I can’t seem to break out of the 160s.  

In June I weighed 164.  On August 23 I saw some hope when I weighed in at 157.  Then on September 29 I was a little disappointed to still see 157, but happy not to be look at 160 something.  Well, I just got on the scale and I felt like throwing it out the window when I saw 168.  What the……..?

I have been eating clean and working out but the numbers are going up not down.  Ever since I moved I have had a difficult time maintaining a consistent workout schedule but I do try to get in 2-3 days a week (sometimes all cardio, sometimes all strength).  I use to workout at least 5 days.  I eat 5-6 small meals (complex carb/protein) a day and I allow myself 1 or 2 cheat meals on the weekend (which is nothing new).  I drink water like a elephant throughout the day.   

Can anyone tell me what the problem is?  Today I sat at the table with my co-workers and watched them gobble down barbeque pork, chicken tenders, Texas toast, potato salad, cole slaw, chocolate brownies, and sodas.  I choose to eat my salmon, whole wheat pasta, and Koshi granola bar.  I was proud of myself then , but right now I am feeling like I may as well indulge since all my hard work has stopped paying off.  I mean I see a little more definition when I look in the mirror but these numbers are driving me nuts. 

Being 225 pounds again really scares me and I cannot let that happen, but I am feeling very defeated.  What am I doing wrong?  What is my next step?  Can someone give me some advice?