Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

You know it’s amazing what God can do for you when you step aside and let him work.  I am so thankful for all the blessing he has bestowed upon me.  It is wonderful to wake up every morning and know that I am not alone as I journey through Satan’s very own hell on earth. 

There was once a time in my life when I wasn’t sure so sure of that fact.  I can remember wondering if God really cared.  I asked myself if he cares so much, why did I hurt so badly. Why did it seem like everyone was breezing through life but me?  Everything appeared to be an obstacle I was forced to overcome.  I dreaded my days on this planet and longed for the end.  Frequently, I made star appearances at my very own personal pity party with a guest list of one.  I pouted and cried about how life had beat me down.  I replayed statements of self doubt over in my head like a broken record. 

I’m not exactly sure when I decided to let it all go.  Oh sure, I can list a host life events that catapulted me into handing my burdens over, but the exact day and time things turned around is a complete mystery.  All I know is there came a time in my life when I irrevocably got sick and tired and being sick and tired.  I finally gave God what I thought was a piece of my mind.  

I called on my savior to let him know I was in desperate need of saving.  I questioned, “God I am so tired of being here.  I hate my life and I hate me.  I can’t take this anymore.  I am sick of it.  I can’t change.  Every time turn around it’s something else.  I try to do right but I always do wrong.  I don’t even want to try anymore.  I thought you loved me.  Don’t you see me down here suffering?  Why won’t you save me?” 

God patiently replied with reassurance, “Yes, I love you and I haven’t taken my eyes off you since I created you.  You are one of my finest jewels.  I have great plans for you but you are responsible for your own suffering.  That, my dear, was your choice.  I sent Jesus to suffer so that you wouldn’t have too.  You MUST believe that or you wouldn’t even be speaking with me.   No man gets to the father but through the son.  The moment you accepted my son Jesus, I blessed you with my spirit to guide you.  I have laid before you a future filled with joy, hope, and peace but instead you decided to turn around and continue staring at your past of life destruction, desolation, and death.  You were so busy looking behind you forgot to turn around and take my hand.  I’ve always been here waiting and ready to carry into your future.  If you are ready now I am still waiting.  Let go of your pains and take my hand.  I know the way you don’t have to guess anymore.”

The minute I let go and let God my whole world begin to change.  He is remaking me from the inside out.  He has lit a fire in me that burns so bright I can’t hide even though I often try.   I have new lease on life.  Now I can say I accept my flaws and still know that I am a magnificent work of art delicately crafted by the master. I am his devoted solider.  Everyday I wake up ready to do his work.  My eyes are fixed on his vision.  Even though my mind can not fathom what God has in store for me around each corner I trust him with my life.  I faithful know that his plan is greater, bigger, and better than anything I can ask for or imagine (and I have HUGE imagination).  I have watched God sculpt my heart, my body, and my mind in a way the only he can.    

This maybe an off the wall blog, but I am so full of hope that I had to spill it out onto these pages for the world to see.  I can’t even count my blessing and to top it off he created a wonderful man just for me.  I am looking forward to become newlywed this February.  I CAN’T WAIT!!  God has been so good to me that I just can’t thank him enough so this is my pitiful attempt.

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanted to share that.

Okay so my last blog was a little overboard.  I wasn’t actually going to commit clean eating suicide I justed needed to vent.  I’m so thankful for the bodybloggers who took the time to remind me of some very important things such as:

• Stop obsessing over the scale and rely on my bodyfat percentage and measurements as a more accurate indicator
• Review my progress pics and look at how far I have already come.
• Think about what I’d feel like after eating a bunch of garbage. (and we all know the answer to that)
• Kick up the cardio
• And my favorite…..decide if I want to be writing a I’m starting over blog or a I look great in a bikini blog this summer

Of course my choice is the bikini blog, so I hide the scale and checked my bodyfat.  I was happy to see that it was 4% lower than the last time I checked.  That gave me the boost I needed to kick it back into high gear.  Thanks guys!  I need to hear ALL of that.                   �
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I need some advice, encouragement, or anything anyone can offer.  I am seriously frustrated and ready to call it quits.  I know that sounds dramatic but this plateau with up and down elevations is really kicking my butt and killing my motiviation.  I have been battling with the scale for over 2 months now.  I can’t seem to break out of the 160s.  

In June I weighed 164.  On August 23 I saw some hope when I weighed in at 157.  Then on September 29 I was a little disappointed to still see 157, but happy not to be look at 160 something.  Well, I just got on the scale and I felt like throwing it out the window when I saw 168.  What the……..?

I have been eating clean and working out but the numbers are going up not down.  Ever since I moved I have had a difficult time maintaining a consistent workout schedule but I do try to get in 2-3 days a week (sometimes all cardio, sometimes all strength).  I use to workout at least 5 days.  I eat 5-6 small meals (complex carb/protein) a day and I allow myself 1 or 2 cheat meals on the weekend (which is nothing new).  I drink water like a elephant throughout the day.   

Can anyone tell me what the problem is?  Today I sat at the table with my co-workers and watched them gobble down barbeque pork, chicken tenders, Texas toast, potato salad, cole slaw, chocolate brownies, and sodas.  I choose to eat my salmon, whole wheat pasta, and Koshi granola bar.  I was proud of myself then , but right now I am feeling like I may as well indulge since all my hard work has stopped paying off.  I mean I see a little more definition when I look in the mirror but these numbers are driving me nuts. 

Being 225 pounds again really scares me and I cannot let that happen, but I am feeling very defeated.  What am I doing wrong?  What is my next step?  Can someone give me some advice?

Over the past year people have started to notice my tremendous physical change.  I often am bombarded with statements such as, "Oh, I didn’t even recognize you.", "Wow you look great!",  " You look so young, I thought you were a teenager!",  and "You have lost ALOT of weight."  I usually respond with a grateful comment accompanied by a smile.  However,  the conversation never seems to end there.  In most cases people want to know what I have been doing, so I gladly share with them the world’s best kept secret of eating clean and excerising.  It’s around this time that the conversation begins to take a nose dive.

Often I am forced to listen to how they are on "a diet" also.  They frequently comment on how their "diet" is very simular to mine and begin to share.  At this point my attention span begins to fade and my eye glass over as I listen to their list of things they do or do not eat.  After they’ve downloaded all their dieting secrets, I usually wrap up the conversation and we go our seperate ways.

As I walk away I try to wrap my brain around the logic behind the information that has just be graciously share with me- "I eat kind of like that, but I don’t eat ANY carbs.",  "Oh,  I’m trying something simular but I only eat veggies.",  "Yeah, that sound’s great, but I don’t eat any fruit".  These comments dance around in my brain agitating me more and more as I replay them.

Something deep within me wants get on a nationwide loud speaker and scream out my opinions to everyone.  Wake up America, you are killing yourselves!  How on God’s green earth do you think you can live your life without proteins and carbs?  You body was designed to run on this type of fuel.   Are you crazy?  Do you not know that carbs are what make your brain function properly?   Do you not know that your muscles need protein to perform?  How can you complete daily task only eating one food group?  This has got to end.  You have got to stop buying into fad diets that promise instant weight loss if only you…….. 

Building a better body is not easy.  It’s a life long committment.  If you want to lose the weight you have to do the work.   God made fruits, veggies, grains, and meats because He knew we were going to need them to survive.  If you want your body to work for you, you must feed it natural things that come from the earth.  Walk away from processed foods served out in paper boxes, bags and plastic containers. 

It’s not about being on a stupid "diet".  For me this is a way of life.  I do not count fat grams and calories every day.  It is not something I will do until I have lost X amount of pounds and return to my old habits of starving my body and then overindulging in food that has absolutely no nutritional value.  This, America, is something I will pass on to my children and my children’s children.   My kid’s will not live a life of yo-yo dieting, weight loss/gain, health issues, and depression that I once did.  I will teach them the importance of making healthy choices. 

It’s time to say good bye to the sodas, cookies, and chips.  It’s time to burn the Atkins and Southwest diet books.  Let’s get back to eating like our ancestors did.  Try eating only things that grow from the earth, swim, moo, or cluck.  If you can’t find it on a farm, it’ll only cause you hurt and harm!

Okay, so the week prior to Memorial Day I had been busting my butt to get out of the 170s.  I was so sick of getting on the scale and look at that gosh darn 7.  Every time I saw 174 I wanted to throw the scale across the room.  I was determined to make into the 160s before our annual Memorial Day Luau so I worked extra hard. 

Guess what….I did it!  The Friday I left for Atlanta I weighed 167.  This was a number I can’t ever remember seeing in my whole entire life.  The last time I weighed 160 something, I was probably sporting hot pink leggings and high bangs while doing the typewriter to "You Can’t Touch This".  Needless to say when I saw that 6 in the ten’s place, I had my own mini celebration all around the bathroom. 

Anyway, I must have lost some of my brain along with those extra pounds because when I got to Atlanta I was out of control.  The night before I left I spent hours neatly packing clean snacks to take with me.  I wanted to make sure I didn’t fall off the wagon.  Well, a lot of good that did.   I tried my very best to stay clean but it’s really hard when you around a bunch of skinny chicks devouring everything in sight.  I did pretty good Friday.  I managed to escape the grasp of the homemade chocolate chip cookies and Chic-fil-a combos.  I even passed on the Starburst and other sweet treats everyone ate for breakfast Saturday morning.  I enjoyed a hot bowl of oatmeal, a quick weight lifting session, and a long jog.  Yea me!!!

Yeah right!  By Saturday evening my defensing were down.  The smell of BBQ ribs, jerk chicken, creamy spinach dip, Angus burgers, and  lemon squares danced across my nostrils.  You can only work around food for so long before it begins to beckon for your embrace.  How could I ignore the sound of the tender morsals longingly calling my name?  One nimble here, a little bite there, and before I knew it I was out of control.  Lean protein, complex carbs, and whole grains went out the window.  I dropped them like a bad habit!  Let’s not even discuss the frosty Margaritas I glupped down on all night long.  

Of course we woke up Sunday morning to a frig full of left overs.  I couldn’t let my friends finish them off all alone.  That would be rude of me.  So being the kind and helpful individual that I am, I had a couple more ribs and lemon squares.  I must have been CRAZY!

Needless to say, when I got home that Monday I felt like I had a stomach full of lead.  For some strange reason I thought I was going to be able to keep my little love affair with food a secret from my faithful companion the scale.  Well,  he knew exactly what I had been doing the past couple of days and wasn’t afraid to call me on it.  A whopping 176 pounds…..wtf? I didn’t think it was possible to gain 9 pounds in 2 days.

I guess I should have known I couldn’t sneak one past my body.  Now 4 days later I still trying to rid myself of all the garbage I consumed this past weekend.  What was I thinking?  I don’t know what I was thinking then, but I sure do know what I’m thinking now.  Those 2 days of tongue teasing was not worth the sacrifice of 8 pounds, a stomach ached, and self disappointment.

I’m back on the grind now.  I’ve been pushing myself extra hard since I returned home.  I will see my long lost friend 167 again before the end of next week.  That’s a promise.  After all, it’s not how many times you fall down, it’s the number of times you get back up that matters most!   Right?

Well it’s Monday,June 2 and guess who I saw this morning……… my long lost friend 167.  Only 5 days after this post.  YEA, I’m so happy to have him back (at least for a little while).  It’s going to be a short relationship because I plan to drop him for the 150s soon!

It’s funny how you never really notice how uncomfortable life is in a extra large package until you down grade to a smaller one.  I always knew I was overweight but I never realized how much it affected my everyday life.  There were so many things I couldn’t do and I never made the connection that it was my weight hindering me.  Since dropping 55 pounds in the past 10 months the little things I never noticed have become huge milestones.  I never knew I could……………..

wear high heels for longer than 15 minutes (actually, I can dance in them all night)

really cross my legs (as oppose to the leg prop I use to do)

get all of my groceries out the car in less than 2 trips (it’s nice to have functional  strength)

look 10 years younger in only 10 months (no botox, no knife)

go up a flight of stairs without my heart racing

complete my own breast reduction (no surgery)

mop and sweep the floor minus the lower back pains

maintain good posture without even thinking about it

see and touch my toes

or tuck my shirt in…..just to name a few. 

This is truly an amazing journey for me. Everyday I am shocked a the differences good food and exercise can make.  I am so please that I finally made the choice to become a better me.  I look forward to discovering even more things I never knew I could do. I would love to hear about the things you never knew you could do. Until next time, thanks for sharing!