V’s Journey

"No man will ever love you because you’re fat and ugly!"

I was 13 years old and my wicked stepmother had cornered me at a family function.  She had just made this pronouncement regarding my future.  And I believed her.  Her statement reinforced the lie that I was completely unworthy of being loved. 

The more I believed that lie the more unlovable I became.  I was angry all the time.  I was judgemental of others.  I was bitter.  And so through believing the lie and my own brokenness I fulfilled that prophecy spoken over me. 

I became unlovable.  The vicious cycle had begun.

Since that time I have walked a path of miraculous restoration. 

Brokenness (spiritual or emotional) will manifest in your physical appearance.  It will make you look older.  It will make you ugly.  Bitterness will drain your features.

And I have learned that being a beautiful person on the inside will reflect just as much on the outside. 

My stepmother’s lie was one of many that I believed.  Here are a couple of others:

I will always be fat.

I am not an athlete.

My genes dictate what my body can do.

Lifting weights is for other people.

I do not have enough willpower.

I have had to deal with each of these falsehoods.  I have analyzed them.  I have held them under the microscope.  They have been dissected. They were measured against the facts.  And they were judged to be false.   

I will always be fat. FALSE.  I can choose what my physique looks like.

I am not an athlete. FALSE. I can become one, all it takes is practise.

My genes dictate what my body can do. FALSE. My genes are not holding me back, my choices are. All I have to do is work around perceived "limitations"

Lifting weights is for other people.  FALSE.  Weight training has changed my body.  It is my bestfriend.

I do not have enough willpower.  FALSE.  My training is teaching me to listen to my body.  My nutrition plan makes the eating choices easier.  And the results of these things combined, motivate me even more to achieve my goals.

What lies do you believe about yourself?  Be real!  What’s holding you back? 

I am not promising you that it will instantly be easier if you draw up a list of the lies you believe about yourself.  It may be a very, very difficult thing to face and to deal with. 

It is certainly a process.  Some lies take longer to get over.  It took years for me to know that I am truly worthy of being loved. 

This is essential to being able to change your body.  Many times I had begun programmes to lose weight only to fail.  Never realising that I was self-sabotaging because I had not dealt with my core beliefs about myself.   

If you are looking at the wonderful transformations on this site and wondering how these people achieved the type of transformation you are dreaming about, know this, they do not believe that they "can not". 

Each and every transformation is preceeded with the belief "I can".  And so can you!

Today I did something I’ve NEVER done before.  I ran 8 kilometers.  And I did it in 60 minutes.

 If you’re runner you’re thinking "what’s the big deal?"

The big deal is that 7 months ago I couldn’t walk 500 meters.  Now I can RUN 8 kilometers!

The encouraging thing is that I ran further and faster than a week ago.  Progress! Awesome! 

I am proudest of my mental process during the run.  I was thinking like a champion.  I was pushing myself harder when it got hard.  I imagined that I was running in a stadium and that with each lap the crowd roared its approval. 

And when I finished - I felt really, really good!

It hurts. And not in a good way. It’s affecting my sleep.  And therefore affecting my sunny disposition.

In August last year I was 26 kilograms (48 pounds) heavier than what I am now.  I have had to replace my entire wardrobe since then.  I have increased vitality.  I am stronger.  I am more confident.  But I have discovered there is a disadvantage to being fabulous.

My hips, my knees, my ankles and lower back do not have "padding" anymore which means that my firm mattress that could hold the plus sized me very comfortably, is now killing me.  In fact any angular bit of me that has to take any pressure when I’m lying down is very quickly letting me know that the mattress is now far too hard. 

A friend whose been through a similar transformation told me this is normal.  He too suffered the problem with pressure points, but apparently you get used to it?

Do you?  Because I need my sleep.  I need it to be able to train better.  I need it to maintain my sense of humour.  I need it.  (Yes, I’m needy )

I’m thinking I should just start a fund for a super deluxe, extra, extra pillow top bed. 

What wisdom have you for me my friends?

Human beings are such hypocrites.

Yes, I just made a HUGE generalisation.  But let me explain…

I really enjoy the feedback I’ve gotten on BodySpace.  It’s really encouraging.  And I’ve given what I hope to be encouraging feedback to many people on the site.  I kinda figured that’s how it works.  Because we’re here to help each other, right? 

So how does this link in with my first statement?  Because there seems to be a couple of people who have very little (or no) positive feedback to give and yet when they get a whiplash response from others in kind they become all wounded.  (I can’t believe I’m sticking my hand in this blender… lol)

I think we’re all entitled to some basic R-E-S-P-E-C-T (because I optimistically believe that there is a shred of good in all of us).  Basic respect gets you courtesy from me.  If you want more, you need to earn it (I have to really care about you to go beyond politeness ).  Basic respect means that I will hold my tongue if what I have to say has no value to you.  Yes, I adhere to that old adage about "if you don’t have anything nice to say…"

I must admit that this post is in response to some awful comments that have been left on some of my friend’s blogs.  Really, people! Keep it positive!  (Yeah, I can be matronly!)

I will make another generalisation now that I’ve gotten that off my chest… I have only great friends on BodySpace!

Today is my rest day.  In the beginning I used to feel bad about taking a day off.  Results and a return to sanity made me understand how much I need to rest.  As a reward for being so good at resting I decided to use the spa package I was given for Christmas.

Foot soak

Full body massage

A facial

And some other stuff (that wasn’t really relaxing but the general population i.e. men don’t need to know about as it tends to ruin the romance… lol… yes, I’m a completely natural beauty :p )

A couple of months ago I would not have been able to accept this gift.  I was so self-conscious.  With reason. 

I was a big BIG girl. 

It would have freaked me out to have a stranger massage me (and to be honest I can’t imagine that working with an obese person would have been pleasant for the therapist). 

As I lay on the massage table today I realised the therapist was actually having to work with muscle.  Yay! Muscle! And I was proud.

I will gladly accept massages as gifts from this point forward. 

 Now that I’m just girl.

Yesterday someone asked me, “What are you going to do when you’ve hit your goal weight?”

Answer: Keep on working at it.

Response: Why? What’s the point if you’ve achieved your goal why would you keep working out as hard as you are now?

Irritated answer from me: Because you can never rest on your laurels.  Because the work never stops.  Because the minute you stop working it, you’ve lost it.

Each “because” saw a rise in my irritation levels.  I got a bit fiery. 

Growing up I was told there is no such thing as a stupid question.  I disagree.  I think this was a stupid question.  I expect grown-ass people to know when it’s a stupid question especially if they’re always telling you that they DO have the answers.  LOL. Okay enough venting.

12 Week programmes are great to kick start your transformation.  But this is the truth:

You will have to work on it for the rest of your life.

That is the true transformation. 

Everyone who has gone through the process will know that it is once you embrace that this is a “for life” approach that you achieve success. 

There are no shortcuts.  It will be difficult.  Nothing worth having ever comes easy.  Have you noticed how people do not value things that came easy or cheap? 

Champions are champions because they put in the work, played hard and well and remained true to their purpose.  Would being a champion have any value if they gave the title away to everyone for nothing?  Exactly!

So if you’re starting out, know this, make the commitment to work on it for the rest of your life and then you will win the prize.

The one thing that gets me through the cardio is music.  It’s one of the reasons I will never do swimming training again (not until there’s a waterproof iPod).

So for fun I thought I’d list some songs that are really helping me out, here they are in no particular order. 

Basshunter - Now You’re Gone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgFwiCApH7E

Brandy - Right Here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jzkrq6KGbQc

The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhsirT9bIi0 (An Aussie Band for Ryan)

Evermore - Between the Lines http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H15iv5GzDQ

Kelly Rowland - Work http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KhSMo4uzGA

Bloc Party - One Month Off http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66xxck1TV-Y

Ladyhawke - My Delirium http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKrBlIXzI5I

Keri Hilson - Return the Favor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orwqw1YwUQM

Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHhhcKxflMY

The Ian Carey Project - Get Shaky http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZfWLs05bo0

Gavin Degraw - I’m in love with a girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuwmSfJUNv0

 And of course there are more…

I would love to know what songs are making the cardio easier for all of you!

I hand in my entry form today.  I decided I was going to participate in the run.  I also decided I was going to join the less competitive team because this was going to be my first race and I would feel very pressurised in a team full of fit runners. 

It is still going to be challenging though.  lol.  I don’t think I’ve ever walked/ran further than 5 kilometers.  The race is one month away.  I’m adjusting my cardio to see if I can get up to at least 8 kilometers on the treadmill before the race. 

 Any tips/advice would be very welcome at this stage.  Thanks for the support!

Fight or Flight? All of us have this instinctive response to danger. 

Some of us run.  Some of us fight.  

Very early on in life I realized that I am a fighter.  Simply because I was too slow. I could never run away fast enough.  Instead I learnt how to fight (literally and figuratively).  

When I was nine years old I got charged by a warthog (no, they are not the friendly Pumba’s that Disney would have you believe -  warthogs are basically big, wild pigs with huge tusks).  I had the completely lucid thought that I was never going to outrun the animal, during the attempt to run away. 

In that moment I turned around and faced the oncoming mass of muscle and tusks.  The warthog flattened me.  Ran straight over me.  I was concussed.  Then it decided to run over me again.

This time I was prepared for it.  As it ran over me I beat it with my fists and kicked it as hard as I could.  This stunned the warthog long enough for me to escape to a safe spot.

The point of the whole story is simply this: I am not a runner.

I would rather pick up a concussion from a warthog than run.  And yet….

Stryka (http://blog.bodybuilding.com/Stryka) who is not a swimmer, is doing exactly that thing that challenges him.  So it made me think.

There’s a massive fun run happening in March and I have had requests from two teams to join them.  It’s a 8.6 kilometer run.  I can manage 5 kilometers in 45 minutes (yes, I know it’s slow but hey I am not a runner). 

So I’m wondering: should I?  What do you all think?

The itch did not go away. 

I’m about 90% done with my assignment (whew!) but I just couldn’t resist sharing this little anecdote:

My office decided to do "Biggest Loser".  Which is wonderful.  Research has shown that if you work/live in a "fat" environment chances are high that you will be overweight too.  The good news is that it also works the opposite way… So hang out with good looking fit people.

Most people at the office assumed I would participate.  I decided not too.  Mainly because I don’t have that much to lose still and therefore I could not possibly win because the winner is decided on percentage change (lol, yes its all about winning). 

Now if we had started this contest in August last year I would have definitely won.  I have achieved a -50% change (check out my progress section)! Woohoo! <Applauds wildly and thumps self on back>

Instead I have offered my services as a coach/mentor to anyone who wants support. 

So I have been giving advice when its asked for.  I’ve shown people the correct technique for squatting (yes, in the office and in heels), I’ve talked about correct nutrition and I’ve generally been supportive.

A female colleague who is participating came up to me and whispered "Are you a bodybuilder?  Because I saw your legs and they’re amazing!"

I got all bashful at first but my answer: Yes, I am!  Not at a competitive level yet.  But I am working towards that. 

That’s the moment it became real for me.  Yes, I’m a bodybuilder!  I work every day to build my body.  To change it, reshape it and be stronger.