V’s Journey

Yesterday I was having a "fat" day.  A day when no matter how much you reason with yourself, no matter how much you stare at the mirror, you feel fat.  This feeling is not based on logic, reasoning or reality.  It is just a feeling. 

Feeling like this I got to gym.  Basically feeling sorry for myself.  (I confess my weakness, but somehow I don’t find it attractive.) 

Peddling away on the bike I watched an older lady on the circuit.  She finished and moved to the bike next to me.  She was older, I guess close to 70.  I helped her to get going (she couldn’t figure out why the display wasn’t showing).   

In a moment she completely inspired me.  Snapped me out of my self-pity and state of mental "fatness".  Why?

She has Parkinsons.

I watched her shaking hands grip onto the handlebars.  I watched her go beyond her limitation and age. 

I really wanted to applaud her.  I thought she was awesome.  Champion. 

Once upon a time I was a Night Elf Rogue. 

In case you don’t know - it means that I used to play World of Warcraft.  It was my obsession.  It consumed me. 

World of Warcraft is in my opinion the best game.  Ever. 

The game allows you to "live" vicariously through the characters you create.  You can be a hunter with deadly accuracy.  You can be a mage with supernatural powers.  Or even a rogue with stealthy abilities.  You can be a hero.  I loved it.  I was sucked in completely.

I say "sucked in" because that is exactly what happens, life becomes WoW.

Then revelation happened.  I wanted to be a Night Elf Rogue in Real Life (minus the funny ears though). 

I really coveted the athletic ability of my character.  I wanted to be able to run like her.  I wanted to have the nice muscular definition.  Heck, I think I even wanted to be able to throw knives. :)  Not to mention being able to wear those sexy outfits. lol

All that time sitting hunched behind a pc was not going to get me the athletiscm of my character.  In fact the better my character became the more unfit I became in real life.

I stopped playing.  I began "levelling" in Real Life. 

Level 1:  stop going to the vending machine every day for a chocolate

Level 2: start changing how I’m eating

Level 3: join a gym

Level 4: get on a proper nutrition plan

Level 5: get a proper training programme

Level 6: join bodybuilding.com

Level 7: start enjoying the changes

Level 8 to 50: Work on it every day

Level 51: Start wearing some of those sexy outfits

Level 52 to 60: Work on it some more every day

Level 61: Learn to throw knives - lol

Level 62 to 70: Work even harder on it every day

Level 71: Commit to competing

Level 72 to 79: Prepare for competition

Level 80:  Do your first competition

My assessment is that I’m a level 55.  Whew! A few more levels to go.  But hey, I think I’m going to be a pretty hot Night Elf Rogue (minus the funny ears) in Real Life. 

I have been pushing very hard with my training.  I have been religious about sticking to my eating plan.  I have seen amazing results.

But on Saturday my body said "Enough!".  I had come home from training and I was completely exhausted (not in a good way). 

I have been good about adjusting my training programme but I have not adjusted my calorie intake.  This is basic stuff and I should know better… but as your muscle mass increases so does your need for fuel.  For many overweight people this is a very difficult thing to understand - you actually need to eat more (good stuff), to lose more (bad stuff i.e. fat).  Muscle needs fuel.

I had my usual programme meals on Saturday but I also added a snack meal of crisps and chocolate.  Not a whole bag of crisps… and the chocolate was a small one. 

Does this mean I’m going to have crisps and chocolate everyday?  No! Certainly NOT! 

What it does mean, is that I have adjusted the amount of complex carbs in my diet.  Yes, I am eating more carbs. 

This reminded me once again to maintain balance.  Focussing on one thing will result in neglecting other things. 

I started typing up a very heavy blog, it was about how I’m going through a bit of self-doubt.  That I wasn’t believing in myself as much as I should.  I had an a-ha moment. 

I just need to get some sleep. 

Then I applied some tough self-love: stop the pity party V. Get some sleep.  And come back strong tomorrow.  And just damn well choose to be cheerful.

This approach may not work for you.  But for me - the more I wallow the worse I feel.  I have to "snap out of it".  And that’s just what I chosen to do.  lol.  It’s interesting to me that once I make that choice that my emotional state changes almost immediately.  I’m still physically tired but I feel good.  lol.  No need to get heavy then.

In my last post I described how I found my morning cardio challenging and how I dealt with that.  I described that experience to a friend and he got it. Yeah.  We all have those days.  Then I told him what I had for dinner the night before…

I had a sandwich.  Salad and cold meat between two slices of wholemeal bread.

"Oh", he says matter of factly.

"You’re dealing with a carb hangover," and starts to laugh.

At this point you’ve got to know that I haven’t touched bread for months.  I only eat complex carbs.  Like sweet potato but very sparingly.

More questions, "you’re feeling a little down today?"

Yes.

 "Plumbing feeling like it’s trying to move cement?"

Sheepish… But yes.

It’s taken two days of eating clean and going to gym to feel happier about life in general.  All that difficulty from two slices of bread.  Wow!

Mmmm… okay… I guess bread is off the menu for good then.  I’d rather go without it than have to face the same battle I did with that cardio session. 

So what would you rather give up then than have to deal with the "hangover"?

I woke up this morning with the usual early morning irritation (no I am NOT a morning person) to go do cardio.  It didn’t help that it was raining. 

I knew it was going to be a challenging session as I put my feet on the eliptical stepper.  I was not developing into my happy wakening self.  O dear. 

I started stepping knowing that about 3 minutes into it I’d start to enjoy it.  No.  Did not happen this morning.  

I know it’s just me but man o man time seemed to slow down.  My legs felt really heavy and I just could not get up to my usual speed. 

Halfway through I wanted to quit.  Throw in the towel. Kick the stepper and march off to the locker room.  Did I?  No.  What I did was give myself 60 seconds. 

60 seconds to think about how I made the effort to get up early, that would be wasted if I quit.  60 seconds to think that if I stopped, my workout time would be lost forever.  There is no "catching up" time.  60 seconds to reassess what I wanted to achieve with this workout.

I adjusted my speed, made sure I was hitting heart rate target.  And finished.

I am not super human.  There will be days when it’s hard to do the work.  If you feel like quitting, give yourself 60 seconds.  Then finish.  Why only 60 seconds?

Because the decision should have already been made.  Quitting is not an option.  You can adjust what you’re doing to work for you in that moment.    But always finish.

I want to thank everybody who read my last post especially those who left comments.

I started blogging as a way to keep me accountable, to keep real.  I am really grateful to all of you for the positive feedback. 

Have an awesome weekend (it’s Friday night here).

Most people are members of bb.com because they want to affect some change in their bodies.  For some like me we’re after complete transformation.  Very soon into the transformation journey you realize that it is not just your body that is changing but oh yes! there are psychological and social changes too. 

The changes in my mirror are a wonder.  So much so that I really can’t stop looking (at myself lol) or talking about it.  Fortunately I have friends who have gone through the same process and who never get sick of hearing my joy at some new change I’ve discovered.  I know that there are people out there who would think me terribly vain but watching your body change this much is very, very exciting.  Especially if you had believed that you were doomed to be fat and ugly for the rest of your life.

The social changes are a bit more daunting for me to deal with - which is surprising.  I am no shrinking violet; I was born with feisty attitude to spare.  Before the journey began I was socially invisible.  Not anymore!  I used to have to make the effort with people, reach out first, begin conversations, that sort of thing.  I have noticed that men tend to initiate with me now. :)  Women seem more reserved with me until they discover my non-threatening friendliness towards them. 

Why am I finding the interest difficult to deal with? Basically because in the past I’d only get noticed when something was wrong like when your mascara has run and you have raccoon eyes. LOL.  So my first thought when someone looks at me was “has my mascara run?” or something in that vein. 

I am learning now that when men look at me in traffic it is not because something is wrong with me. 

Quite the opposite actually.  Something is very, very right with me.  :)

I have written about how you need to win it in your head before you will see a change in your body.  I’ve also realized that you need to work on how you think about yourself everyday just as you work on your body every day.  Total mind/body conditioning is the aim.  Stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself, recognize the hard work you’ve done/are still doing and enjoy the fruits of it! 

I think I’m going to start driving with my windows open so that I can talk to all those interesting people who look at me in traffic! ;)

Looking forward to training tonight.  Only thing is I have not been sleeping well the last couple of nights plus I’ve been getting up early to do cardio.  I’m a little tired.  The training should make me feel better though.

I am right now preparing myself emotionally to deal with the New Year’s Resolutioners.  I am taking deep breathes and calming my mind.

Should all be good.  Got to go train now!

I really enjoyed Pilates last night.  Yes, there were many new faces and the studio was packed but I had determined to enjoy myself and that was exactly what I did.

One of my goals is to increase my flexibility.  I was not blessed with natural bendiness. ;) It is one of the things I have to work at.  I have seen tremendous improvement in my posture and flexibility since adding Pilates to the programme. 

I remember after the first session thinking that I had not had a work out only to get to my car and not being able to lift my leg to get into my car.  I thought I had lifted my leg.  Only somewhere the signal got scrambled and I literally fell into my car.  At which point I just laughed and laughed.  I didn’t need anymore convincing, Pilates was on the programme.  Flexibility? Check!