Trudee’s BodyBlog

Oh my I just did both of Jillian Michael’s back DVD’s and my backside may hurt for WEEKS!  That was some heavy breathing, sweating, swearing under my breath exercises!  I’m glad that weren’t easy and I couldn’t get through them!  I always love a good challenge   I’m not much of a jumping around person and well…Jillian is!  This workout also reaffirmed my hate for step aerobics.  Both circuits it took me 2 or 3 times to even get the step down.  Yes I danced for over 25 years and I still couldn’t get it!   Needless to say I got a GREAT workout and I LOVED it.

Looking back on something I wrote a few days ago…  I’m not sure where I’m at with all the craziness.  Now to add to my stress DH decides now would be a good time to put out new bathroom in…WTF.  3 weeks away from Christmas????  God must be testing me to see how much pressure I can take before I break   My job can be VERY stressful and most days it’s plain exhausting.  I work one on one with a special ed  behavior student.  I LOVE it but he is VERY active.  Yesterday I had to battle with him for 30 minutes to get him to make his letters right….ugh talk about wanting to scream.  I do not want to come home to a house of men (not even cute ones) in my house.  DH will be at work the whole time they are here so it’s just me that has to suffer.  Not to mention it’s cold out so we can’t even escape outside….ok the girls can but not me LOL!  I spend enough time outside at school in the cold for recess duty!  I wanted it done this summer when we could escape to the pool for the day!!  Christmas break is coming up and if these people are at my house for 8 hours a day for 2 weeks. I may divorce my husband and run away LOL  I don’t want to have to be up and showered EVERY day before they get there…no way will ANYONE see me without makeup unless they are already married to me LMAO!!!  Not to mention not having anywhere to get ready for work in the morning.  DH SAID he would clean out the basement shower…yeah I’m still waiting!  I’m sure as hell NOT!!!  Ok I feel better after ranting LOL.  I was so mad last night, a fly flew by and I grabbed the swatter and almost broke it I smacked the wall so hard.  Plain and simple…I don’t want men in my house for 8 hours a day for months!…too disruptive BUT I do want a bigger bathroom

We had our first snowstorm yesterday.  It was 15 degrees, cold, snowy, and wet and I HAD recess duty!!!…not once but TWICE.  My butt and legs are so sore from being so cold.  I wasn’t prepared for the snow so I had my dress shoes, my thin dress pants, my winter coat (thank goodness for my hood) and my nice WARM mittens (at least they worked).  My remote start apparently doesn’t work from my room so I had a thick layer of ice on the windsheild when I got to my car.  It was not a pleasant drive home.

I guess I can’t quote my student on my thoughts about yesterday "This Sucks!!"  HE couldn’t get the science project to work so he got mad and that’s what my 1st grade student blurted out!…LOVELY

I did have a few highlights…I got to chat with a friend for a bit and we had Star Lab at school!!

A change in routine must’ve been what my body needed.  My lower body is extrememly SORE today.  It goes from my lower back, through my butt, down the back of my legs and around to the front like a glove.  It’s painful but in a good way!  My run was a little painful at first this morning but I survived.  I had a really good day yesterday after my workout.  I think it was just the positive pick me up I needed.  I did find myself unintentionally not eating my snacks yesterday but that was because it’s so busy at work that I didn’t have time to stop and by then it was lunch time and time to go home!  I have to stay 30 minutes extra today at work so I can’t get my track workout in before the girls get home!   Although as sore as I am I’m not sure I could handle the bleachers today.

Today at school we are doing the Star Lab!  I’m super excited.  I haven’t done it since I was in like 5th grade.  I almost jumped up and down when I saw the sheet LOL  I’m probably more excited than the kids.

Today my workout gave me what I needed…tears and some answers.  Let me start from the beginning.  The past month has been pretty stressful for me and the last few weeks I have turned to the one way I know how to cope…my ED.  It started out small just leaving a few bites here and there then progressed to smaller servings and now I’m to the few bites syndrome (after about 3-5 bites my stomach is FULL and I have to force myself to eat the rest).  This has resulted in a weight loss of 2 pounds.  I know 2 pounds isn’t a lot but for me it’s a catalyst for more.  My body is REALLY resisting the not eating this go around.  I’m tired, sick, somewhat moody, and have a hard time concentrating.  I also have been having euphoric feelings which I get from not eating…hard to explain.

So this morning I headed into the basement to do my free weights.  I stood in front of the mirror in my sports bra and pants and just stared.  I actually liked what I saw (I could live without the stretch marks but NOT my babies LOL).  Then I started lifting and watching myself in the mirror and the questions to myself started flowing.  The song "Proud" by Heather Small was blasting through my ipod and the tears started.  They weren’t sad tears but tears for the realization that if I can’t let some of the things from my past go (miscarriage, my nieces eating disorder, my brother’s stroke, Olivia getting kicked in the head, my children’s behavior sometimes, the way my SIL treats me, etc.) I will die slowly.  These things ARE NOT my fault.  I refuse to talk about my ED disorder anymore because I feel like a failure and a fraud.  I don’t need someone to tell me to eat…my doc does that.  I don’t need the look of pity…I pity myself.  I don’t need to see the look of disappointment or hear it in a voice…I’m disappointed enough in myself.  The need to hide things brings to mind the song "My Reflection" from the Mulan movie…which also brought the tears this morning LOL.  The reason I keep a blog is so I can put it all down and try to let go.  No one here is going to call me up and tell me how horrible I am.  I can’t see the look on your faces so it doesn’t really phase me.  I have a few friends that I know would give their right arm for me if they knew but I have no intentions of telling them.  Why disrupt their happy lives??  My best friend hugged me after the Turkey Trot and said "love ya" to me and I wanted to cry (I usually fight back tears when anyone hugs me…part of the self hate thing)  I have a hard time getting a grip on the fact that some people do care that much about me.  She’s heard my story and she still loves me…how is that possible?  I have no intentions of telling anyone I’ve lost weight…don’t need the questions, the looks of disapproval.  This is the first setback I’ve had since March 2007.

The most important thing that came out of my workout this morning was this:  I AM NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON….Anorexia is horrible.  My ED should not define me.  Several people in my life love me and I deserve that.

Ok enough sappy stuff LOL

I LOVED my workout this morning.  Looking in the mirror and seeing all the work I have put into my body.  The 2 week step back made my muscles pop.  WOW…I was amazed and how I looked.  It was a great feeling….it was one of those Hell YEAH moments!  It was nice to finish a workout and see the smile on my face.  It was a full body workout with 15 lb DB’s.  I do have to say…I HATE lunges!  I like walking ones but that’s it!!! LOL

Off to read my email and start my day…

My arms are shaking as I’m writing this…I started my new workout.  I did both of Jillian Michaels’s Front workouts.  They are about 25 minutes each.  They combine cardio, abs and strength.  Wow I’m worn out!  It’s a good worn out though   I’m taking a little time off from running this month and only run 2 days a week just to give my body some rest.  If I feel like I can’t handle it I will pick up 1 more short day.  With the holidays we have so many things planned that I don’t want to be worn out and not be able to keep up.  We are taking the girls on a Polar Express train ride.  I’m not sure how many sedatives I will have to take ahead of time just to board the train  LOL  I’m willing to do it for the girls to have a great time!

On a good note…My weight actually stayed the same this month.  My body fat is the same but my measurements have gone down some.  Maybe the weight gain will come to halt now!

I’ve been off work for 5 days and will be heading back today.  Normally time off means panic for me but I handled it pretty well this time.  My eating was under control and I still got my exercise in.  I didn’t do much housework but I look back and I ran a 5K, ran 15 miles, help put the Christmas tree up and had a relaxing grocery shopping trip.  The next few won’t be as fun since it’s Christmas shopping time!  I HATE crowds.  I get groceries at 6:30 am just so I can be alone LOL.  This week I have to make my lists of what I want to get everyone so I can get in and out of the store LOL.  I’m turned off by the hecticness of the holiday season.  I’m in charge of the church Christmas program this year which makes me anxious.  I’m glad when it will all be over.  I always look forward to the new year starting!

I wasn’t overly happy with my time but it was VERY cold.  The temp was about 30 degrees and the wind was about 15-18 MPH.  I was frozen but some of the guys had shorts on???  I was surprised at home many people were there for one it was so COLD and 2 it was Thanksgiving!  I had a fun time.  My friend made her time goal and set a PR which she has been striving for all summer.  I was pretty happy for her.  My time was 26:45 and I like to keep it under 27 so not too bad.  I was running so fast and was so cold that as I was sprinting to the end I almost threw up!  This was a first for me.  This is why I hate 5K’s…too fast for me.  I even turned my friend into a LD runner LOL.  She said she was just getting going about mile 2.5.  I said "See now you know what I mean"!

Getting together with family was fun.  We didn’t eat until 12 and I was starving.  After the race I only had time to come home shower and be out the door and on my way.  Once the teenagers left and the kitchen was cleaned up out came the wine LOL.  I’m laughing because I’m a bad drunk…I had a shot glass of wine and about fell over.  I’m sure it didn’t hlep that I was dehydrated from my race but that was enough for me.  I did good food wise.  I took a Cappacinno Angel Food Cake-YUM.  I did have 3 SMALL pieces (I cut normal pieces in 2 so my mind THINKS I’m having more HAHA).  At least it wasn’t 3 pieces of pie!  I did have 1 small sliver of pumpkin pie but that was enough for me.  I came home and rested while DH took the kids to his mom’s.  My resting is sitting on the couch doing 100 other things LOL.  I had to go to bed with a heat pad on my lower stomach…I think the intense running jiggled some things around LOL.  I could barely stand up.  I’m much better today

Today was the last day of my body part split.  I pushed HARD.  I lift all heavy weights and the one time I did the band I did 10 extra reps.  I’m both excited and nervous to start something new.  I haven’t done these DVD’s before so it will be all new for my body…hoping that will shock it.  I have some new progress pics and I like the way my stomach looks but not much else LOL  Progress not perfection…right.  I’m going to get my Christmas cards ordered today, do my menu for the next week, start my Christmas shopping list, and hopefully get my pics uploaded this morning.  I will try to attach a few to my blog.

I have so much to be thankful for this year so I’m going to make a list:

1.  My health and  ongoing recovery

2.  My family

3.  My support system both in real life and online

4.  My job

5.  Good friends that love me no matter what

6.  A great running partner

The list could go on and on.  I’ve made it a point this year to show my appreciation to my friends that are there for me.  A Thank You goes a long way.  My running partner has been amazing.  She has been a huge part in my recovery.  It’s like I have a therapy session once a week where I can talk and talk and she just listens.  She doesn’t try to fix me.  She doesn’t look down on me when I fall.  She lifts me back up and reminds me how far I’ve come and to keep moving forward.  She even runs in the bitter cold.  When I want to just run on the treadmill she says "Meet you at 6!"  She’s my trainer and she doesn’t even know it!  LOL  She’s doing hte Turkey Trot with me today.  Im sitting here listening to the 20 MPH wind and it’s about 20 degrees out…now that’s true friendship.  I will post some pics on my FB account and maybe in one of my blogs.

Speaking of pics DH is going to take some this morning for me.  I CAN finally see a difference in the mirror so I’m hoping it shows up on camera.  My gut isn’t as big and my legs aren’t as swollen looking.  I won’t have time to upload them until tommorow or Saturday.  I’m taking them early cause who knows how long the Thanksgiving feast will take to wear off LMAO…yes that’s cheating but that’s life  HAHA  I’m taking a sweet potatoe vegetarian lasagna recipe I found so we’ll see how that goes.  Speaking of vegetarian eating, that has made a huge difference in my body along with less foods with wheat and gluten.  I seem to have an occassional intolerance to some foods so I’ve been trying to avoid them as much as I can.

Well that’s about it for now.  I’m looking up some new running shoes since I have a FREE shipping coupon so I’m off to do that.

Happy Thanksgiving from my home to yours!

We are off from school/work for the next 5 days which means I didn’t have a time frame to get my workout done in!  It felt so freeing to just do my workout and not think about being late getting everything else done!  I did another day of high reps 15-20 and my biceps are on FIRE.  They are shaking as I write this which is a good feeling LOL.  Today was back and bi’s and they got a great workout.  This is the last week for my body part split and then I’m switching to a front/back split which I did over the summer and loved and got results.  I’m doing Jillian Michaels for 2 days and a heavy day in the middle.  I’m looking forward to the change and hope it’s something that will jump start my body and get over this plateau.  I have gained 5 pounds this year and I still have a month to go

I have the turkey trot run tommorow and then will be going to my mom’s for lunch.  I am making my own vegetarian dish and a Cappaucino Angel Food Cake…YUM.  It’s much easier to eat at my mom’s.  They are open about my anorexia and are more accepting of my lifestyle now.  They would rather see my eating and bringing what I will eat rather than not eating anything.  I’m usually the first one my mom consults about menu planning for Holidays.  This brings me to my biggest pet peeve about holidays…it seems to always be about FOOD and I HATE that.  I enjoy being together and I’m not all that into eating LOL.  I LOVE catching up with my nieces/nephew and the rest of my family.  My dad has been my biggest supporter and he follows me around talking to me…I think it’s funny and sweet.  He was my savior through my anorexia and I think he saw how my life was with stress and such and doesn’t want to see it that way again…my dad, my hero   I’m the baby of the family!

Today my MIL is having Thanksgiving but I’m staying home.  I’m going to STUDY, REST, HHHMMM what other excuse can I use.  My MIL doesn’t bother me at all BUT my SIL does and I don’t want/need that kind of stress.  She isn’t at all supportive of my lifestyle and always has to make rude comments. She was the first one to point the anorexia finger so you would think she would keep her mouth shut (She is a Pediatrician).  I have started standing up for myself but that creates tension.  The last few times we’ve all been together I’ve wanted to go home and throw up so it’s better I skip it.   I’m sure the whole vegetarian thing will send her on high.  I plan to go over after the meal to see my nieces and nephew and whatever other family shows up.  In my defense I have a race tommorow so I want good wholesome foods in my system and not anything that will disrupt it.

Off to do some emails and then relax and finish watching the Biggest Loser that I DVR’ed last night

Dh and I had a frightening start to our morning.  I got up to go to the bathroom after my alarm went off and as I was heading out I saw a flashlight being swung around in our living room downstairs.  It’s 3: 45 AM and I have 2 girls sleeping within 10 feet.  All of a sudden I hear DH’s name being hollered over and over.  It was my FIL and he was frantic because he got a call that they had cattle out down the road and they had made it all the way out to the highway which is about .25 miles aways from their lot.  This is the first time in 7 years that the cattle at our place have gotten out.  To make matters worse after they were out there for about 10-15 minutes it started POURING rain complete with lightening and thunder.  DH had to come back in and put his contacts in because he couldn’t see anything with his glasses.  He’s been gone over an hour now, not a good way to start the day

Everything has been crazy around here.  I think the kids at school are all high on turkey smells.  They have been bouncing off the walls.  We get out an hour early today and then have until next Monday off.  I have my turkey trot Thursday and a long run planned for Saturday morning otherwise nothing to major going on.  It would be nice to have some downtime but I’m not big on relaxing.  I like to but my body doesn’t.

Today was a brisk 3 mile walking DVD.  I won’t run again until after my race/run on Thursday.  After my long run on Saturday I’m taking a week off from running and just doing some Walking DVD’s or walking on the treadmill.  I will continue with my weights but hold off on the running.

My Dec. routine looks like this:

M-Front DVD

T-5 mile run

W-Full Body workout with heavy weights from Men’s Health Mag.

Th-5 mile run with hills and intervals

Fri-Back DVD

Sat-Long run/walk of at least 12 miles alternating with Cardio X and stretching

Sun-Jillian DVD and a run with a friend alternating with Cardio X and stretching

I will be back later today to write another longer blog about some things going through my mind but right now I have some emails and PM’s I would like to catch up on!

*Warning*  This blog may contain a lot of complaining, do not read any further if you can’t handle it

I may be the only person BUT I hate weekends.  I hate being off schedule.  I crave consistency.  I’m a bad spur of the moment person.  My eating goes bad over the weekends.  I have more time to dwell on bad thoughts.  I hate having nothing to do. I can not STAND to sit around so I drive everyone crazy because I’m always doing something.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to do things with my girls (DH works 7 days a week but that would be a whole other blog LOL).  I like that I have a little extra time to chat with friends on the computer or catch up with email.  I also like that I have the extra time to get in a long run.  I think I’m just VERY overwhelmed right now.  I’m trying to turn my ED around, while taking care of 2 kids, working 5 days a week, planning the church Christmas program (I have a bahhumbug attitude this year), keeping the house clean, cooking, and doing laundry , and fitting in social time ALL BY MYSELF.  The sad thing is the first thing to take to the back burner is my ED, it’s the whole everyone else first thing which is BAD, BAD, BAD.  Sometimes it’s easier to go to work than face everything I have to get done at home.

Ok on to better things…

My weekend workout left me DRAINED by 8 am Sunday morning.  I got in around 36 miles this week and 18 of it was Sat and Sun.  Sat was a 12 mile run, Sun. was 6.  I was so out of it by the time I got done Sunday my words were slurring and my eyelids weighed about 100 pounds.  I couldn’t even think straight.  All I could think about was getting to the couch and shutting my eyes.  It was more lack of food than overdoing it.  I don’t restrict but I don’t think I always eat to compensate for my extra running.  Even with my YUMMY pizza my body couldn’t keep up.  The next few days are all about taking it easy before my run on Thursday.  I won’t be running again until then but I will be doing light cardio just to keep them warm.  I’m a little more refreshed today.

Today’s workout was LEGS.  I used the band for most of them to try not to put too much stress on them.  225 squats later I’m not sure if I accomplished that goal???  LOL.  I did high reps for the exercises- 25 with band  15 with weights  I will be sore tomorrow but it will fade quickly (hopefully)  I did my workout in shorts today (I usually have pants on) and it helped to see my legs as they were working.  It didn’t make them seem so LARGE and chubby.

Other news:  My trainer sent me a text yesterday and asked if I wanted to do a mini-tri with her this summer.  I responded by telling her I have an intense fear of drowning and don’t swim.  The swimming part is in a pool…ok I might be able to handle that???  The swim is 150 meters, bike 10 miles, run 3 miles.  The run is first, then the bike, then the swim so I could very well drown by then!  I was warming up to the idea but then I checked the date and it’s the weekend BEFORE a Half Marathon I wanted to do.  So now I have to decide…try something new or do my Half to try to better my time???  I wouldn’t be in it to win it LOL but I think it might be….fun!

I went to get groceries yesterday and with my 6 year old in tow is was less than fun   My gorcery trips are usually mini cardio sessions.  I zoom all over the store and a brisk walking pace.  My 6 year old drags her feet…not a good combo.  Everytime I tried to read a label she was off price checking things which isn’t all that bad BUT the store was pretty crowded.  I was proud of her in the produce aisle though.  She brought me a bag of BIG carrots and said "Oh MOMMY can we get these PLEASE, they look so yummy!  What a great thing to hear!!

I better get my day started…a mom’s work is never done

Today I decided to by pass the scale in the upstairs bathroom and just keep going downstairs and use that bathroom.  My belly flab looked flatter to me so I did measure and it was.  So my point here is I’m sure the scale wasn’t going to say what I wanted it to and I would’ve been pissy and frustrated through my whole workout.  Instead I was happy about my measurements and had a great workout.  You would think I would learn my lesson!  LOL  I have also found that my belly looks good or bad depending on the type of clothes I have on!  If they are low rise alot of my extra skin tends to hang and I look fat.  If they are my medium rise work pants everything is in and no hangover on the side and my belly looks flatter SO I’m done with the low rise.  I need to buy some new more flattering jeans.  I have a couple of pair I LOVE but they are getting old so I can’t wear them to work on jeans Friday.  I tired of feeling frustrated because I look chubby one day and good the next.

I have to share an incident from yesterday.  This is National Education Week and with working at the school there have been all sorts of things brought in.  One day there were 5 bags of candy on the table.  Yesterday the Principal ordered Jumbo pizzas for the staff at lunch.  Which is great and thoughtful but 1) I don’t eat mean and 2) it was DRIPPING with grease which would’ve meant a stomach issue later.  So I got my lunch out and heated it up and ate admist the pizza boxes.  I could feel the stares and the eye rolls but OH WELL.  My feelings are if I’m going to eat something like that it’s gonna be worth it.  It’s going to my FAVORITE pizza from my favorite pizza place.  I do splurge and eat pizza but I make it worth it…no half ass foods for me.  In their defense most women only took 1 slice (they were HUGE) and I saw the one next to me blotting the grease   I have come to the place in life where I will splurge but it’s going to be the REAL thing and it’s going to be AWESOME!  I guess you could call me a food snob  HAHA

My workout was tough but good this morning.  I was breathing pretty heavy throught out the routine.  Today was chest,shoudlers/tris, some ABS.  I love working my shoulders.  They are my favorite body part.  My arms are def. exhausted.  I did some extra reps today with some of the exercises so that was a ego boost.  One more week on my  body part split and then I’m going to do some DVD’s for awhile.  Jillian Michael’s Front/Back set.  I had a routine wrote out but something else just popped in my head so we’ll see LOL.  I need to see how long each routine is first???  It doesn’t say on the cases.  I have all of her DVD’s (I have a DVD addiction BAD)…oh well could be worse things.  I have 3 new ones picked out for Christmas but I need to clear old ones out.

I have a little extra time this morning so I’m going to indulge and finish reading one of my books   I LOVE to read.  I’m finishing up the Gossip Girls series right now.  I read a lot of the teen books…really like them!!

So on to start my day!