2008 Transformation Contest

purest feeling.
purest feeling.
well i think i’m gonna push it as far as it will go.
give in to desire.
only you will know.
so tell me all your secrets.
i’ll stick it in your head.
i wish i could remember everything she said.

-NIN

I got in my double workout today.  30 minutes in the morning, 90 minutes at night.  Took my youngest daughter with me.  She thinks it’s fun…the gym has cable.  

My feet were doing some serious cramping the whole time I was on the elliptical.  Every step..ouch..ouch..ouch!  Perhaps I need potassium?  Just worked right through it. By the time I moved on to the weights, it was over with.

21 sets for my tris.  I try to do less sets, I really do.  But my body just won’t stop after 12 or 16.  So I keep on going.

Tonight I was working in between 3-4 real big guys.  All of them working their delts.  Lateral and front raises going on all around me.  

For a moment, I saw myself, the middle aged lady in between all of these young pups.  The boys working delts…the girl working triceps.  Them working hard, me working hard.  I was reminded of the Sesame Street Song…

"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?”

Sometimes I think it is really funny the degree to which I work out, the degree to which I strive.  I have to stifle a smile sometimes when I am down there straining away.  Tonight I was doing pullovers with a 55 lb dumbbell.  I was bench dipping with a 45 lb plate on my lap.  Close grip DB presses with 75…and would have gone higher if I had someone to hand off a DB.  

I love every blinking second of it.

But the thought does cross my mind.  

I am 37 years old!  I’m not supposed to be MORE active, I’m supposed to be comfortably settling down to LESS.  I’m supposed to be working 20 lbs on a machine somewhere.

I think these thoughts, and then I think of Ms Fitness, working the Gaspari booth with Marzia Prince at the Arnold tonight.  I think of 39 year old, mother of four, Ms Fitness, working out like a wild and crazy banshee, pumping that iron like a man, a wicked gleam in her eye…and I think….SHEESH!  I’m alright!  

It seems the only rules in this day and age…is that THERE ARE NO RULES.

I can be whoever I want to be!  It’s a GLORIOUS feeling.  

The purest feeling.

To my fellow competitors; to myself:

Words from one who knows the true meaning of overcoming adversity.

Helen Keller-

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world.”

“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.”

And finally-

“Be of good cheer.  Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow.  You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles.  Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.”

This week you catch me in the midst of a big black hole.  I am a swirling vortex of negative energy, sucking up anything that crosses my path.  I have been binging for a week.  Well, what started out as some sane and sensible eating out with the family, somehow turned into something else.  Right now I am quite frankly, sick in the head.  Don’t walk in front of me…or I might…eat…you.

This is frankly, NOT ABOUT FOOD.  This is about winning…and what I am learning to be….my INTENSE FEAR of winning.  There is something dreadfully amiss, and I am digging deep down to find the root cause of it.  Whether I find and root it out in time to recover myself for the remainder of this contest, only time will tell.

Hang in there with me as I attempt to find myself, my inner motivations, and what it is that is holding me back.

I am up 6 pounds from a week ago.  Why is there a part of myself that likes me better this way?  That is a part of the puzzle I am working on.  What is it exactly, that I am so very scared of?

I do know this.  I am in the process of throwing all outdated modes of thinking BEHIND me.  I no longer believe that my strength is found in weakness.  I no longer believe that to love my life is to lose it.  I no longer believe.

I believe in spirit.  I believe in truth.  I believe in love.

Pictures to come later tonight.  Be prepared for some jelly belly.  

Hold out good thoughts and positive energy in my name.  Keep telling me I look good thinner…until I begin…to believe it.

Before I became MILF HUNTRESS, my internet name was RAISING WOMYN.  I have three daughters that I am raising.  Not as an accessory to man, but as a loving equal.  Introducing, my 3 sweet girlie-girls.  My little womyn.  I picked the song, "Prickly Thorn, Sweetly Worn", because this is what raising children has been to me.  The pleasure, the pain. Protecting babes from the bristles, then releasing them into the wind.

I have met a new friend from this site.  I have met many wonderful people here.  It warms my heart.  Whose idea was it for bodybuilding.com to present a place for people to be able to communicate, to share their love of health and fitness with one another?  

It was a wonderful idea.

My new friend asked me a question, based upon something I had written in my progress pics and bio of my weight loss transformation.

She asked;

"What did you mean about bodybuilding ’saving your life’.?"

This was my response.

About bodybuilding saving my life…

It has done this for me in more than one way.

For starters, I do believe that my obesity was killing me physically. I had so much pain…went through SO many unhealthy symptoms. I couldn’t stop gaining. I was out of control, and all my body knew how to do was STORE FAT. Everything in my blood work was SEVERELY out of whack. I was one step away from heart attack, stroke or both.

Also, I had sleep apnea. I would wake up with blinding headaches from lack of oxygen during the night. Zero energy. Could hardly lift myself up off a chair, it was that bad. Back pain at it’s worst. Sometimes crippling. What a mess!

Add to that the MENTAL repurcussions of living in such a manner. How it was affecting my relationships, etc. My husband LOATHED me. HE denies this, but he DID. But I was a sick depressed morbidly obese woman. NOT the woman he signed up to love and cherish at the altar.

I had to work through alot of forgiveness for not feeling loved during this period. But it took the both of us to allow our relationship to grow as sick as it had become.

Anyway, during this period…I suffered alot of depression and hopelessness. ALOT. I went through periods of wanting to cut myself. I would take scalding hot baths to relieve mental anguish and suffering. I didn’t know how to cope.

I was trying to be a good person, and nothing that I was doing was working out. I felt like a failure and out of control with my life.

All I had ever wanted to do was to love my babies and be a "good person". But I had lost myself in the process. My husband no longer loved me…or made love to me. My kids were great. They loved me. But I was unable to interact with them and do the fun things we had once done because of my weight.

Ahh..getting long here…but I just want to say…that since I started weight training I have had ZERO DEPRESSION.

I feel POSITIVE, FOCUSED, ENERGIZED. I have bad suckie days…life happens…but my daily workout keeps me energized and refreshed.

I no longer have to suck down negative feelings to block them, or eat them away.
NOW I get to work those babies out with the iron and some good strenuous cardio.

I feel good about myself. I like myself. I am very honest about who I am…both the good and the bad. Weight training seriously UNBLOCKS me. Through it, I have become more than an overcomer. I am more than a survivor…I am a THRIVER.

And I want to live this way FOREVER.

XOXOXO

Maddi

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
                  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

   BODY TRANSFORMATION, END OF WEEK 8.

I took a planned cheat night out with my husband this week.  On it’s own I do not believe this would have been a problem.  

I joke about “refeeds”, but I do believe in the principle behind them. 

The problem for me, being carb sensitive,(ADDICTED!  ADDICTED!), means that once I let some carbs slip in, my body does not want to give them up again.  

This leaves me vulnerable to strong cravings until I get a grasp on myself.

I could waste time in regret over 7 BELGIAN chocolates I utterly lost control and binged upon yesterday.  

Or I could look to the experience as one to learn from.  

The fact of the matter is, no matter how strong our resolve, how great our intentions, we WILL EVENTUALLY crumble to temptation, UNLESS temptation is removed from us.  

Especially when under going periods of stress, whether mental or physical.

I am still enjoying the competition.  But as I have never done this before, I am learning how to pace myself.  

I have no nutritionist or trainer.  I am attempting to make a dramatic change with nothing but intuition, guts, and instinct.  

Sometimes I second guess myself.  Sometimes I lose my vision.  

I am fighting a battle in my mind over the loss of muscle tissue.  In my pictures, I can see a decrease in size, and it frightens me.  I have had no decrease in strength.  This is a good sign!

At a family birthday party this weekend, I began getting the “you are getting too thin” comments.  I never wanted to be “the thin girl”.  I wanted to be “the buff girl”.  

I have to have courage.  I know I have to strip away the fat in order to go farther.  

My inner ectomorph is being revealed.  As much as I like heft and bulk, I am finding that genetically, I have a body that is built to be long and lean.

I measured in last week at somewhere between 18.6-19.1% bodyfat.  

How do women mentally get past the barrier of going lower than this?

Women compete at 10% bodyfat or less.  How do they manage to hold onto precious muscle as they cut their bodyfat to such extreme lows?

I am sucking up my fears of loose skin (which is becoming more evident daily, especially on my backside).  

I am learning.  I am embracing the challenge.

I am walking through my fears of catabolism.

I will not let my fears hold me back any longer.

All I can do…is work the best to my knowledge and abilities.  Relying on my body to give me the answers.

I envision a stronger, leaner me.  I envision my muscles growing bigger, stronger, better defined, as my body grows evermore leaner.

My meal timing is off.  I must admit, I do not time my meals.  I eat when I am hungry.  

This means today I ate 4 meals instead of 6.

Breakfast:  4 scoops strawberry Intra-Pro  (I know…a HUGE SHAKE…a whole blenderful actually…but I was STARVED.  This is what my body wanted.)

Lunch: Large Pack Albacore Tuna, 1/2 bag salad, 1 green pepper sliced, 3 vinegars, spices and seasonings,

Pre-Workout:  1 apple

Workout: Super Pump 250, BCAA’s

Post-Workout/Supper: 1 Scoop Vanilla Intra-Pro, 1/2 Scoop Caramel Protein, 1/2 apple, 1 large spoon honey, glutamine, cinnamon,

Misc: lots of Crystal Light with apple cider vinegar, 1 Diet Rockstar, 1 pack berry gum.

TOTAL CALORIES:  1800      TOTAL PROTEIN:  164

I believe taking it easy on myself was good for me this last week.  It was good for me mentally, as well as hopefully rebooting my metabolism in the process.  

My weight;  137.

No losses, no gains.

However, it is time to see what I can now pull out of me.  This week, I will be staying 110% on task.  

We are pulling around the corner bend.  It is these last few weeks that count… the most.

I will give it my all.  I will give it my utmost.  I will keep my head in the game until the game is done.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYONE!  WHAT YOU BELIEVE, YOU WILL ACHIEVE!

Sometimes when I linger at the gym, I get embarrassed.  I watch people come, I watch people go. "Why must I take so long?" I wonder.

I develop a sense of shame, of guilt, for taking my time, for commiting myself to 2+ hours of hard work daily.

My boss the other day told me, "You are obsessed".  "Yes I am" I said.  

Yet this is an obsession that will bring me closer to my goals.  I choose to call it "single mindedness of purpose".

Bodybuilding gives me positive direction.  

It is something uplifting and positive to focus my energies upon.

Everyone has holes.  Everyone has unmet needs that demand filling.  

We can fill these needs with many things.  

We can fill these needs with things which are destructive and demeaning.  Things which will destroy us.  (drugs, food, sex, gambling addictions)

We can fill these needs with things which are neutral.  Things which simply take up space, time, and energy, until our lives run out.  (gossip, entertainment, television)

Or, we can fill our holes, these unmet needs, with things benefitting and positive.  

We can fill ourselves with that which adds worth, value, and meaning to our lives. Things which serve a purpose.  (education, community service, spirituality, bodybuilding, friendship, family, self-improvement)

The next time somebody tells you that you are working out "too much", or says that you are "obsessed",or "addicted" with exercise, ask yourself this simple and honest question.

"Is this lifestyle lifting me up or tearing me down?"

If you are being built up, feel no need to give explanations, or make excuses to any-one.  

Hold your head high!  Be free of the expectations to do things as are socially accepted at this time.  You are not a slave to this culture and day and age.  You are a free person choosing wisely for the sake of your own health.  Serve your own best interests.

Look around you.  Everywhere around you people are unhealthy. People are sad and depressed.  People are stressed and taking it out in unhealthy ways.  

Become stronger than your culture.  Become the example for exemplary health and living.  Become the source of pressure.  Be the ball.

I was once a highly conflicted individual.  

That which I wanted to do…I did not do.  And that which I did not want to do…I did do.  

This was not because of sin, but because of many taught spiritual and societal beliefs which did not line up with my honest and true life experiences.  

Idealism breeds mental illness. 

My large degree of naive idealism and fanatical innocence nearly killed me.

There was a 550 pound waiter serving me and my husband Saturday night.  I watched other patrons, laughing, sneering, joking about a man…who was slowly, but capably doing his job.  He probably had more strength in his left pinkie, in his heart, than these jokesters did in their entire bodies.

I believe that morbid, gross, obesity, is caused by inner soul confliction.  The likes of which many of you will fortunately never know.  

I overcame my confliction, my outdated, idealistic, taught modes of thinking.  I learned to take life for what it IS rather than what I was taught it SHOULD be.

Many people are never able to do this.

Take it easy on them.

Take it easy on yourselves.

In my first Body Transformation 08 Post, I spoke of my challenges, personified as demons.  This is what demons truly are.  Faulty or challenging perceptions of oneself, one’s capabilities, and the world around you.  They all come from within, which is why they need to be expelled.

I have been spending the past 3 and a half years coming to know my demons, and in the last 7 weeks, I have been facing them head on.

Revisited and categorized into 4 distinct groups,  I have put my foes into headers for clarity.

FEAR: fear of failure, success and envy, discomfort and hunger
LACK OF SELF CONTROL:  food addiction, gluttony
MENTAL WEAKNESS: insecurity, weak mindedness
SHORT SIGHTEDNESS: lack of vision, failure to plan

In the past 7 weeks, I have learned…

FEAR OF SUCCESS AND ENVY. You are my largest and most forbidable foe.  No matter how often I cast you out, you come back to me.  This means I am not replacing you with something more befitting to that spot in my soul.  
This means there is more mental and spiritual work to be done here.  YOU are my focus.  YOU WILL GO.

On the opposing side, I have also learned, I AM NOT AFRAID OF FAILURE.  Quite comfortable with it really.  Time for that to all change.  I now EMBRACE my failures and turn them into successes.

FEAR OF DISCOMFORT AND HUNGER.  This could actually fit into all four categories.  Fear, Self Control,  Mental Weakness, & Short Sightedness.  I feel in my heart I have overcome much with food issues.  At one point it became my primary source of pleasure and pain relief, leading me into a 250 lb prison.  

What I have found works best for me so far is…trickery.  

I satisfy sweet cravings with gum and Crystal Light or Diet Energy Drinks.  I use plenty of spices to keep my intense palette satisfied.  And protein keeps me full longer.  
I put myself into as few tempting or compromising positions as possible, and I keep my eye on the prize.  

If I ever had to TRULY go HUNGRY….perhaps I couldn’t make it.

I believe in a healthy, sane, benefitting diet.  There are reasonable efforts one can take to keep discomfort and ill satisfaction to a minimum.

FOOD ADDICTION & GLUTTONY.  This falls into the previous category.  With gluttony being the opposite of hunger.  I think I have reached a happy medium with food.  I am still able to LOVE and ADORE it…but I eat so much of the HEALTHY stuff, it is hard for it to do damage to me.  I am listening to my body about it.  As long as I allow myself OTHER PLEASURES…I do not need to obsess about food.

MENTAL WEAKNESS, INCLUDING INSECURITY, FEELING OF INFERIORITY, AND WEAK MINDEDNESS (SELF CONTROL).    You know what???  This ALL goes back to NUMBER ONE.  THE FEAR OF SUCCESS AND ENVY. Which, when it all comes down to it, points to a natural, inborn, need and longing for the SAFETY of ACCEPTANCE.  I would be lying outright if I said I did not need these things like anybody else in the world.

WE ALL NEED TO BE ACCEPTED AND LOVED.  Oh, and how we YEARN for it.  Most everything we do in this lifetime is to fill that need for acceptance and validation. It is our safety net.  It is our ego booster.  

While I can NOT make my ego go away, I can tame that bugger.  I can satisfy him (her) by meeting those primal needs in a way that does not disrespect myself or others around me.  
I will NOT push my lifestyle upon others, and I will NOT allow others to push their lifestyle UPON me.  This is where Bodybuilding.com becomes a TREMENDOUS BLESSING.  Like minds, seeking similar lifestyles…allowing me to go farther than I have ever gone before.  I will SEE my strengths as STRENGTHS.  I will NOT allow others to make my STRENGTHS into WEAKNESSES.

(By the way….THE EMPEROR IS WEARING NO CLOTHES!!!)  

I will find the affirmation I need.  I will look to those who inspire as the source.

SHORT SIGHTEDNESS, FAILURE TO PLAN.    You know?  I have not found this to be as big of a problem as I had supposed.  I am very good at "flying by the seat of my pants".  Improvisation is an important aspect to survival.  But I guess the problem is, when you come down to it, "I DON’T WANT TO JUST SURVIVE…I WANT TO THRIVE."  

So, while there is definite room for improvement, I GIVE MYSELF PROPS for the striving and success I have made in this process.  After all, getting out the door with a fully loaded protein shake, 3 forms of supplements, a charged, working,  mp-3 player, clean shirt, pants, socks, shoes, headphones, hair brushed, teeth cleaned, makeup on (somewhat), kids ready, to school on time (usually..lol), and out the door by 7:20 AM…IS NO EASY TASK.

And this is when the real work begins.

So yes. I am proud of me.  I am working, being a mom, working out, DAILY, striving, growing, changing.  Growing discouraged, falling, and then….GETTING MY ASS BACK UP AND DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

DEMONS BE DAMNED! 

PLEASE don’t leave heart shaped boxes of gourmet belgian chocolates in an empty  house with a carb deprived, dieting for 7 weeks, feeling sorry for herself female.

Just don’t.

This is what my family did to me today.

My husband also left me the traditional flowers, and Sugar-Free Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Raspberry Truffles.  (I’m still holding out for the BUFFALO dinner!)

Though sugar-free, the truffles were NOT part of my diet plan.

But I’m depressed…and HEY…it’s VALENTINE’S DAY.

I put the whole bag in 3 scoops of chocolate protein and whirled it together for breakfast.  They were gone before the sun had risen on Schafer Farm.

TO be fair, I DID tell the kids to hide their chocolates before I took them to school.  

They were fully warned.  

I said, "HIDE YOUR CHOCOLATES OR MOMMY WILL EAT THEM."

The two oldest have plenty of life experience.

They hid their boxes well.

The 8 year old taped her box  shut with scotch tape and left it on the kitchen counter.

That is why 3 are now missing.

Just a few signs of overtraining….or overworking.  I don’t know which.  

That darned cold Jeep isn’t helping matters much.  5 degrees fahrenheit this morning, the windshield a sheet of ice.  Rolled down the window and dumped my water bottle on it.  Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Then, dropped a blender full of my LAST peanut butter chocolate protein shake all over my floorboard.

Got the kids to school, and started my day with 20 minutes weighted vest elliptical.  

5-10 minutes stretching.

21 sets abs, the good stuff, mostly weighted, hanging, or both. 

12 sets triceps.

Put the doggone vest back on for a 10 minute jog…on incline.

Ran home for lunch and a quick clean-up.  Straight to work.  6 hour shift.  Getting IMMENSE negative energy from a coworker who has weight to lose.  Another elderly coworker fell on the way in and busted her head.  Kind of a rough day.  My heart wasn’t there.

Straight from work back to the gym.  

10 minutes weighted vest stairmill.
10 minute weighted vest elliptical
10 minute  weighted vest incline jog.

40 reps bench dips, 50 reps cable and rope pushdowns

Came home, took a pic, here I am,…

I weighed in this morning at 137.

Down 2 more lbs.  A total of 20 lbs gone now.

(108 lbs total.)

See…I’m tired.  I can’t even get excited about it.

THERE HAS GOT TO BE AN EASIER WAY.

lol

“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”

Wearing my weighted vest, I look a little insane, and quite honestly, sometimes I feel it.  

When I am working out in my vest, the music I am often inspired to listen to is Ministry.  The sounds of battle.  I visualize myself going to war.

My real battle being not against FLESH AND BLOOD, but with SPIRIT.

My own.

I don’t have anything in particular I want to write about tonight.  I will probably cover a variety of subjects as I am feeling rather bloggy, and in need of a good journal.
I am doing well so far.  I know this.  And yet, I am very disappointed in myself.  Why?  Because I am only putting forth half the effort so far that I am capable of.  I have only done double workouts 3-4 times since this whole thing began.  I have lately been so very lax with writing things down, preplanning any sort of menu, or cutting off calories at any set point during the day.  Quite honestly, I am ashamed of myself.  Have I made huge improvements?  Sure I have.  Yet I have been half assing along, lacking discipline, lacking focus.  I have to ask myself…WHY?  At this important juncture of my life, perhaps the first real opportunity I have ever been given, AM I NOT GIVING IT MY ALL?  This shocks me!  And thinking about it further, I think I know in my heart why.  You have heard it before, and yes, I will say it again.  It is that whole "allowance and acceptance" thing.  I once had a friend, a rather low achiever like myself, who would find a decent job, begin to do well at it, and then screw everything up, in an unconscious effort of self sabotage.  WHY DO WE DO THESE THINGS?  DO WE BELIEVE WE ARE NOT DESERVING OF HAPPINESS?  AND WHERE IN THE WORLD DID WE PICK UP SUCH MESSAGES?  All I know, is that this is the message that I hear repeatedly.  I dreamed last night of all sorts of chaos.  Children dying, me with cancer, getting screws put in the back of my head.  It is like I FEAR HAPPINESS..because I feel deep down somehow…that once one begins to be HAPPY…that the other shoe is about to drop….and hard!  I know I was taught this.  And YES!  I am going to blame it on MY MOTHER!  lol, lol, lol, lol.  Isn’t that what mothers are ultimately good for?  To blame all of our problems upon despite their extreme self sacrifice in our name?    SO I was looking at JENNY LYNN last night.  My INTUITION has been telling me to.  It is interesting to me.  One of our sponsors for this contest is BODY BEATS.  And their motto is, "you wanna look like a pro, you gotta train like a pro".  THESE ARE THE VERY WORDS THAT MY HUSBAND ONCE SPOKE TO ME.  Then, I went to Jenny Lynn’s web-site last night, and the very same words were there.  "YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A PRO, YOU MUST TRAIN LIKE A PRO."  Holey-Moley, the synchronicity!  I am listening Oh Universe!  Lend me your ears!    I want to go far with this.  I WANT TO FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE SAY,…"I GAVE IT MY ALL"..and know that these words ring true.  Now, I did give it my all towards parenting once upon a time.  Oh, if you could have seen me!  I have to throw myself 110% into SOMETHING…and that is about as noble a cause as one can get!  But at some point, I figured something out!  By being a MARTYR MOMMY…I was teaching my daughters by example…to ONE DAY GROW UP AND DO THE SAME!  …And I so wanted BETTER FOR THEM THAN THAT.  Mothering is a beautiful gift….but it is one that we work ourselves out of.  I am entering the season of release with my daughters.  (At least the older two.)  If I were to be too involved right now…I would drive myself mad.  One must let the teenagers spread their wings, take their chances, make their mistakes, and just hope and pray that they are not fatal ones.  After all, as has been so well expressed before, "that which does not kill us makes us stronger".  Sometimes I wonder, what sort of effect all this BODYBUILDING and SELF-ESTEEMING I am up to,…how will it affect the kids? Will it make them HEALTHIER?  Will it make them obsessed with their appearance and bodies? (As if the world won’t do that already.)  Or, will it do the opposite?  By looking at me for example, will they find the whole thing vain and fruitless?  Only time will tell.  One thing I know…is I must follow this.  I must follow my passion out, and I must follow it FULLY and with ENTHUSIASM.  It is my authentic self.  THIS…is who I am.

"Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,

You’re stayin alive, stayin’ alive.

Feel the city breakin’ and ev’rybody shakin’

and we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin’ Alive, Staying Alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin’Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive……….
…………"

Don’t tell me I don’t make sacrifices.

I have a girlfriend that wanted to go dancing tonight.  I told her, "no".  

Now this goes against my very dance shoe nature.

I spent far too many years of my life doing NOTHING to squander an opportunity for a little bit a fun.

But I asked myself.  

I said, "Maddi?"  I said, "What?"  

I said, "Maddi?"  I said, "Tell me whatchyou want!"

I said,  

"WILL GOING DANCING TONIGHT TAKE YOU IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR GOALS OR WILL IT TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THEM?" 

I said, "AWAY".

And so I cancelled my plans.

Why would dancing take me away from my goals?  Well certainly it would not have been the 6-7 shots of tequila I intended to imbibe upon.  

The mathematics being that one shot every three songs=calories which are danced off shot by shot.

No,…the reason it would have taken me away from my goals is this.  

I WOULD HAVE BEEN HUNG OVER TOMORROW.  

My body would be in recovery.  My eating would have been off.  My body wasting precious energy seeking homeostasis rather than muscleo-stasis.

Besides….

It’s too soon!

I like to give the boys 3-4 months to forget about me before I go back again. 

SO instead, I sit at home on a Saturday night….boiling chicken…eating salsa.

But my body will definitely THANK ME…in the morning!