2008 Transformation Contest

I just want to take a quick moment before I go workout to thank Bodybuilding.com for the opportunity that they gave me with this contest.  For some of us, this web-site means more than to others.  For the past two years since I became a member, Bodybuilding.com has become a tremendous part of my life.  

Many of us feel misunderstood at times, whether we are accused of overexercising, or of eating disorders.  In a world that values television over exercise, the french fry over good health, we are most definitely out of the norm.  Eating is social and to be different in one’s eating habits sets one up for ostracization.  It takes a strong mentality to be able to deal with this.

Looking at the bodies of those of us who choose to live this way, (at all the different levels we are at), I believe we should shoot for making this lifestyle the new normal.  Just because something is accepted doesn’t make it right.  

We do this not by preaching, or even with a single word.  We do it with our example.  Be healthy, be happy, be strong.  And others will want to know what you are up to.  Let them come to you.

Thanks again Bodybuilding.com for giving me a voice.  Thank you for giving us all a healthy community.

Starting Weight:  157
Ending Weight: 130

Starting Bodyfat: 24.7%
Ending Bodyfat:  17.4%

Before Waist:  32″
After Waist: 28″

Yes I had 3 pieces. 

Much love to my fellow contestants.  Much love to you all.  Everyone keep reaching for those dreams, and never say goodbye.

Well it’s been one hell of a day.  I let stress and fear get to me.  I binged.  I am not proud, but I am human.  I would still be human if I had not binged.  Just a stronger less vulnerable one.

I am working on this thing daily.  Honestly, I can say, I am not there yet.  I believe I can find what it takes in me to be a competitor someday.  This contest has been the warming up for me, the springing forth into action, and dusting off the cobwebs of my psyche.

So dusting off those cobwebs what did I find?  I found this.  A woman with both strengths and weaknesses.  A woman who can kick ass.  And a woman who can crawl into a corner and cry.  

Even heroes have weaknesses.  For Superman it was kryptonite.  And Jesus cried tears of blood at Gethsemene.  Yet ultimately he did finish what he came to finish.  And so shall I.

Going for a workout now.

Mm.  6 days left.  

I don’t know if this is a good time for me to start playing around with medium chain triglycerides or not.  lol  I bought some coconut oil last night, as it is actually supposed to be good for your metabolism and increase energy output.  It is a bit scary, as it is pure fat.  And delicious fat at that.  Dipping into the tub of it last night I felt like the naughty little girl who used to sneak grandma’s butter.

I have felt good about this contest.  In the end it turned out to be exactly as I expected.  There have been real challenges along the way.  Both internal and external.  Both equally difficult to maneuver around.  

THIS IS PART OF THE PROCESS. 

You think those who make it to the top do not have challenges?  They have just learned how to climb mountains.  They have learned through trial, effort, and persistence, how to overcome obstacles.  How to not give up.

I am not unusual in my personal demons.  So many overweight persons out there share similar mental struggles as the ones I have been through.  The unexamined mind is what leads to stagnant lives, and putrid bodies.  I encourage EVERYBODY to search their personal history, and their mind, for what it is that holds them back in life.

IN THE END, THIS IS IT.  

This is YOUR expression on earth.  This is YOUR story and I encourage you to make it your own.  Have a brave heart.  BECOME a braveheart.

We all have battles.  This is our common denominator.

But like any good protagonist, YOU CAN come out victorious in the end.

It’s a matter of hope.  It’s a matter of faith.  

It is a matter of self-estimation, and what you believe you are deserving of. 

Finally, please never hold yourself back for anyone around you.  

There is such a thing as reverse discrimination.  In your quest for excellence there will be battles.  There will be struggles for dominance.

YOU ARE THE HERO IN YOUR OWN EPIC NOVEL.

  Heros don’t back down.

Unless it’s a strategic reversal.

The choice is this:  

You can stifle your best for acceptance.   Or, you can shake these people off of you.

Personally, I say, SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL!

It’s been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said “I’m angry”
Five days since you laughed at me saying
“Get that together come back and see me”
Three days since the living room
I realized it’s all my fault, but couldn’t tell you
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
but it’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You’ll think you’re looking at Aquaman

I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi
’cause it’s never touched a frying pan

Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like LeAnn Rimes
Because I’m all about value

Gonna make a break and take a fake
I’d like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, it’s the finest of the flavours

How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I’m the kind of gal who laughs at a funeral
Can’t understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It’s been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air
and said “You’re crazy”
Five days since you tackled me
I’ve still got the rug burns on both my knees
It’s been three days since the afternoon
You realized it’s not my fault
not a moment too soon
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait til you say you’re sorry

Pass the Kool-Aid.  Better yet.  Make that Crystal Light.

Well my camera is shot, so I will not be able to take pictures or video at least until I find someone I can borrow it from. But I can share some of my thoughts with everyone willing to read this journal.

I have intentionally placed everyone in the category because this post is about everyone in this competition. I would like to share my opinion about the competitors and how I have seen them in short time I spent in this competition, and also, I would like to encourage others to write the same in some of the next blogs as we near the end of this game we play.

As I said this blog post is about everyone taking part in this competition, not only the competitors but the people made all this possible. I would like to avoid sounding like a miss pageant so I will skip "thank yous" to the sponsors and yada yada yada…I believe they know we are grateful for the opportunity.

Anyways I would like to say special thanks to the man Richard, our admin. Without his efforts we would be lost half way. Thank you Richard.

What can I say about Isaac? Well I learned he’s got great taste in music and I always enjoyed his videos he posted, and I enjoyed some of the great stories he told us, some were true adventures. I must admit I am a bit jealous of him, after all he is a great photographer, something that impresses me a lot. What ever happened to your shaping goals man, we are still backing you up!

And there is Josh. I still hate my self for entering this competition through his misfortune. Life is one big, well I guess you know what. If I understood correctly, SCT is almost fully recovered from his injury and already planning a new challenge by Muscletech, and I want to wish him all the best with his future goals.

Jason is another mystery for me. I have a feeling he is such an emotional person, in a good way of course, and the fact he found his happiness with his wife and daughter just makes me warm in the heart. I know you can’t see much progress but there is a great achievement behind you already. OK, maybe you didn’t lost much weight, or achieved the look you desire, but you made a positive change in life. Sometimes, no matter how hard we fight, sometimes life gets the better of us. I just wanted you to know you have my full support, and when this thing ends in a couple days, don’t think I will forget about you, you can count on me any time.

Dave is a big man, in more than one way. I found we have much more in common than it could be seen in the beginning. This man has a great sense of humor but he can be serious when needed and place a right word where needed. He has a long fight before him and I just know it will not be an easy one. That just makes him a biggest fighter of us all, I mean we have to loose 20 - 30lbs and we are there, but he has to loose a whole Maddie to get where he wants to be. Dave my man mark my words: If you ever decide to quit and give up on the battle you started and start listening to that demon from Narnia, just remember there is one crazy Serb out there waiting to kick your a$$, and we all know demons can’t compare to Serbs

Maddie, well Maddie is Maddie, right I mean she is the reason we others loose motivation with every new progress pictures upload. Couple more weeks and she is ready for a fitness competition. You came a long way and you showed us all how the fine finish is done. You showed great progress both physically and psychologically, and through some of your posts you gave us insight to your librarian soul and I have seen it’s a wast and beautiful place. Which ever the path you decide to take after this competition I wish you all the best.

Finally there is Steph. I am not sure if I can write anything else about this woman I haven’t said before. I remember when she left the first post on my BodySpace page, I was thinking she was a random visitor but than she came again and again and than every week she gave me encouragement and she still remains one of rare cyber-friends I gained over the time. Determination, strength, especially strength intensity, I mean I could go on forever with these epithets that go with her and I would still not do her justice. When I take a step back and take look at this group from the day you told me there is a competition going on at bb.com to this very day, I just know you are the one who deserves the gold and highest pedestal to stand on.

~malibuilder

Well the cat is out of the bag.  Read my latest blog about how my whole family has now found me on site, and seen me in my underwear.

I truly believe everything can be used for good purposes.  While honestly, I do regret losing a tremendous degree of privacy from all this, I am yet proud of my efforts.  

I have already received three letters from friends and family looking for advice.  I wanted to share this one with you.

Maddi,

You,  it is amazing about your determination.  You really are a body builder.  I have lost weight in the past but my muscles were not toned like yours.  I am trying again to lose weight but it has been hard with my diabetes .  If you know of any examples of a person in their 50s  send that to me.  I like you have dealt with alot of depression through the years.  My Mother role has been tops in my life.  I got an exercise ball and a rebounder to bounce on.  I am also trying to be an example for my Granddaughter Yvette.  I would like her to know that she can reach a goal of her own.  I will be having her see this wonderful testimony of your health.  I think on health issues first and it’s a plus to look Great.  I also believe this Maddi , it’s important to love someone just the way they are because so that they never feel like if I am not perfect I can’t fit in.  I think that your work proves a control on your body.  I want that also.  I sometimes feel like I am short circuiting and the battery is low.  I fight that depression daily but I know you have to get up again with hope in your heart.  
Again , I am so proud of you!
love forever and ever
Aunt Una

And my response:

Dear Aunt Una,

First off, I love you very much! 

Thanks so much for the nice letter!  I feel a link to all of my aunts and carry a part of all of you inside of me.  I think deep down I am most like you.     Uncle Gary was actually a big influence with me and the weights.  I was always intrigued by his rack, his weight sets,…that and the mysterious jugs of protein powders, etc, that he kept around the house.

There are ALOT of women who do this stuff well into their 50s, 60s, and BEYOND.  I will try to find some examples for you and send them to you.  Go to the bodybuilding.com transformation section.  There have been alot of very incredible transformations of people of every age.

You know, when I look at Yvette, I see alot of AMAZING possibilities.  This is a very strong young woman who has always had a very intense will of her own.  A strong will will get you VERY FAR with your body if you learn how to harness it.  A strong will can lead to creative or destructive avenues, depending on your amount of self love, and your belief that it is OK to love yourself.  I would LOVE to see Yvette get involved with the weights.  She will not bulk up.  You seriously have to dabble in steroids as a woman to get any real size at all.  

What she WILL do, is develop her strength.  And learn to take very real anger and put it into constructive avenues that builds her up rather than tear her down.  Many of us eat to stifle our feelings for things that we do not know what to do with.  We eat rather than speak our truth, and how we really feel about many situations in our lives.  Food is a great substitute for feeling.  It is an excellent substitute for facing personal truth.

In Yvette I see future excellence.  I see her making a fabulous mind and body connection and going all of the way with it.  In Yvette, I see, a FUTURE GLADIATOR. 

About the depression you face Aunt Una.  This I know that you know, is part and parcel of being human, and a very sincere part of being woman.  Strenuous exercise will do SO MUCH to take the bad feelings away.  All those endorphins are just incredible.  I advise you to JOIN A GYM.  Fall in love with it.  Lie to yourself.  lol  FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Cut out ALL sugars, and ALL processed carbs.  When you are eating, ask yourself, “is the food I am putting into me BENEFITING ME?  Is it an act of self love?”

We live in a day and age where there are far too many fabulous tasting and healthy junk food substitutes, to have any real reason to eat badly.

You have always been an inspiration to me!  I look forward to seeing you make yet another incredible transformation with your body and your life.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,

Maddi

I beat my machine it’s a part of me it’s inside of me

Im stuck in this dream it’s changing me I am becoming

-NIN-

I have been on a day long FRUIT BINGE and quite resemble the little green tree frog who ate the jumbo cricket.  Pics come tomorrow.

Alright. So I have got to get my head back in the game.  I am setting all spiritual books aside for a moment until the contest is over.  These books act as though my mind and body are both things I should be breaking free of.  Sorry.  Not right now.  I’m kindof in a competition here, and I need these two things at the moment.

All this "egoless state" mumbo jumbo is starting to get on my nerves.

Guess what? I lived in an "egoless state" for all of my twenties and the first half of my thirties.  What did it get me?  

FAT & DEPRESSED.  OUT OF CONTROL WITH MY LIFE.  

It is one thing to know that THERE IS MORE TO LIFE than our bodies.  It is another thing to DENY our bodies’ value and existence altogether.  If they were unimportant, we would all be floating off somewhere up in the sky.

Alright.  So now you know where my head has been! lol  WHAT WE BELIEVE CONTROLS OUR ACTIONS.  If there is no other word of knowledge that I can pass but this one…please

LISTEN.  CONTROL YOUR MIND.  CONTROL YOUR LIFE.  THINK FOR YOURSELVES.

So back to self love.  It takes alot of it to screw up and get back up running.  Those with perseverance WILL finish the race.  All of our races ARE our own.  Where do you want yours to take you?

ME?  

I want to win this contest.  

Not because I want to be ABOVE the others.  No.  Absolutely not.  In fact, the thought of that has caused me to waste quite alot of precious time in my own efforts.

I want to win without taking away anything from anybody else.

DID I TELL YOU I AM NON-COMPETITIVE?

But I do love to CHALLENGE MYSELF.

Climbing those walls?

I love it!  I can do it on my own.  Noone fails.  If I fall down, I can get back up and try again.

Punching that bag?  

I love it!  I can do it on my own.  Anger dissipates.  Nobody gets hurt.

Running my ASS off?  

I…err…DO NOT love it.  But yet again, it is something I can challenge myself with.  I do it on my own.  And nobody’s ego or feelings are on the line.

POUNDING THE WEIGHTS?  

Well hell.  You know how I feel about that! 

My main mentor growing up was my Aunt Margie.  Still one of the greatest ladies I have ever known.  

My aunt Margie weighs over 380 lbs.

My Aunt Margie….stronger on the inside than most people on the outside.  
My Aunt Margie….cannot fit into most booths.
My Aunt Margie….gives to the homeless and the needy.
My Aunt Margie….takes 2 seats on the airplane.
My Aunt Margie….afraid of being carried away.
My Aunt Margie….picks up the down hearted.
My Aunt Margie….would rather see anyone else around her win, but herself.
My Aunt Margie….is a true champion.

So why does nobody know this but me?

See,,,…what I must do, is disconnect from my knowledge that worth does not come from body conditioning.  Worth comes from SOUL.  We all have worth.

I have to be able to know this,…and yet,,,still  love the sport of bodybuilding for being the sport that it is.

I LOVE strong, muscular, toned, and defined bodies.

To do so does not mean that I judge you if you do not have one.

When I am exercising I feel like I am constantly playing a game of RED LIGHT GREEN LIGHT with myself.  

If an old lady comes and gets on the elliptical next to me, it is "RED LIGHT!"  I instinctively want to SLOW DOWN so that she does not feel old.

If a young and glowing BEAUTY in the BOOTIE SHORTS comes in, my system yells "GREEN LIGHT!"  All systems go.  I must rock the house down.

I am caught somewhere in between youth and old age.

I am caught somewhere between basic good health and excellence.

I am caught.

Knowing that the mind comes before the body, that my thoughts decide my actions, I set myself free.

BUT THIS TAKES CONSTANT EFFORT FOR ME.

Meanwhile…

I still run.

I have learned something important about myself.

It is the combination of hunger WITH restriction that causes binge behavior.

I can live with dietary restrictions.  There are a few times, (lol), I can even go hungry.

However…

I can not do these two things simultaneously.

There are times when one is dieting and feeling on top of the world.  Foods that would ordinarily knock you off that cloud do not even tempt you, because your hunger for success is greater.

Then there are times when one feels low and vulnerable.  Like a hungry little wounded woodland animal.  ANYTHING that crosses the path is liable to become dinner.

DEPRIVATION + HUNGER = RECIPE FOR DIETING DISASTER

Know your vulnerable moments.  When you are vulnerable, DO NOT allow yourself to become hungry.

It is a pacing.  

It is a self knowledge.

Tonight, I know I will be dealing with temptation of both pizza and cake.  Having been restricted from such things for 11 weeks now, I know I am vulnerable.  This means, I know that I cannot walk into the situation hungry.  

I will face this by eating a protein meal before I go, so that my belly is nice and full.  I will order a salad to eat while I am there and drink a large iced tea.  I will stop on my way there to buy a nice large protein bar to eat instead of cake.  I will not feel deprived when cake is being served.

I will leave feeling full and satiated.  

I will leave with the fullness and satisfaction that comes from the INCREDIBLY good feelings of goals accomplished.

A week ago, I was in the throes of carb addiction and impulsive, out of control binge eating.  It was a mental whirlwind; a cyclone.  

This was a three day binge which grew perpetually worse.  In those three days, I managed to gain back 6 of the lbs that I worked so hard to lose in the course of this contest.

I felt terrible for lost progress, but refused to hate myself for stumbling.  Hating yourself only leads to destructive behavior, which leads to more feelings of loss of control.

It took me 7 days to undo the damage of 3.  But I am oh so very happy to report…that I am back down to 137 again today.  (Last week 143.)

20 pounds consciously and intentionally lost!

My goal for the contest was to get to the weight I am today.  I feel I have more to give.  I am upping my personal ante to 24 lbs lost.  Which means, I INTEND to lose 4 more lbs of flab…and flab only please…in the next 21 days!

WISH ME WELL!

By the way…THIS is my supper!  Italian Turkey Sausage with Spring Salad, Ringed Jalepenos, Red Wine Vinegar, Garlic, and Crushed Red Pepper.

2 plates of this!  

Is my diet restrictive?

YES!

Bland and boring?  

ABSOLUTELY NEVER!

Gotta run!  A PM workout is DEFINITELY on the menu!