2008 Transformation Contest

I don’t have anything in particular I want to write about tonight.  I will probably cover a variety of subjects as I am feeling rather bloggy, and in need of a good journal.
I am doing well so far.  I know this.  And yet, I am very disappointed in myself.  Why?  Because I am only putting forth half the effort so far that I am capable of.  I have only done double workouts 3-4 times since this whole thing began.  I have lately been so very lax with writing things down, preplanning any sort of menu, or cutting off calories at any set point during the day.  Quite honestly, I am ashamed of myself.  Have I made huge improvements?  Sure I have.  Yet I have been half assing along, lacking discipline, lacking focus.  I have to ask myself…WHY?  At this important juncture of my life, perhaps the first real opportunity I have ever been given, AM I NOT GIVING IT MY ALL?  This shocks me!  And thinking about it further, I think I know in my heart why.  You have heard it before, and yes, I will say it again.  It is that whole "allowance and acceptance" thing.  I once had a friend, a rather low achiever like myself, who would find a decent job, begin to do well at it, and then screw everything up, in an unconscious effort of self sabotage.  WHY DO WE DO THESE THINGS?  DO WE BELIEVE WE ARE NOT DESERVING OF HAPPINESS?  AND WHERE IN THE WORLD DID WE PICK UP SUCH MESSAGES?  All I know, is that this is the message that I hear repeatedly.  I dreamed last night of all sorts of chaos.  Children dying, me with cancer, getting screws put in the back of my head.  It is like I FEAR HAPPINESS..because I feel deep down somehow…that once one begins to be HAPPY…that the other shoe is about to drop….and hard!  I know I was taught this.  And YES!  I am going to blame it on MY MOTHER!  lol, lol, lol, lol.  Isn’t that what mothers are ultimately good for?  To blame all of our problems upon despite their extreme self sacrifice in our name?    SO I was looking at JENNY LYNN last night.  My INTUITION has been telling me to.  It is interesting to me.  One of our sponsors for this contest is BODY BEATS.  And their motto is, "you wanna look like a pro, you gotta train like a pro".  THESE ARE THE VERY WORDS THAT MY HUSBAND ONCE SPOKE TO ME.  Then, I went to Jenny Lynn’s web-site last night, and the very same words were there.  "YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A PRO, YOU MUST TRAIN LIKE A PRO."  Holey-Moley, the synchronicity!  I am listening Oh Universe!  Lend me your ears!    I want to go far with this.  I WANT TO FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE SAY,…"I GAVE IT MY ALL"..and know that these words ring true.  Now, I did give it my all towards parenting once upon a time.  Oh, if you could have seen me!  I have to throw myself 110% into SOMETHING…and that is about as noble a cause as one can get!  But at some point, I figured something out!  By being a MARTYR MOMMY…I was teaching my daughters by example…to ONE DAY GROW UP AND DO THE SAME!  …And I so wanted BETTER FOR THEM THAN THAT.  Mothering is a beautiful gift….but it is one that we work ourselves out of.  I am entering the season of release with my daughters.  (At least the older two.)  If I were to be too involved right now…I would drive myself mad.  One must let the teenagers spread their wings, take their chances, make their mistakes, and just hope and pray that they are not fatal ones.  After all, as has been so well expressed before, "that which does not kill us makes us stronger".  Sometimes I wonder, what sort of effect all this BODYBUILDING and SELF-ESTEEMING I am up to,…how will it affect the kids? Will it make them HEALTHIER?  Will it make them obsessed with their appearance and bodies? (As if the world won’t do that already.)  Or, will it do the opposite?  By looking at me for example, will they find the whole thing vain and fruitless?  Only time will tell.  One thing I know…is I must follow this.  I must follow my passion out, and I must follow it FULLY and with ENTHUSIASM.  It is my authentic self.  THIS…is who I am.