2008 Transformation Contest

purest feeling.
purest feeling.
well i think i’m gonna push it as far as it will go.
give in to desire.
only you will know.
so tell me all your secrets.
i’ll stick it in your head.
i wish i could remember everything she said.

-NIN

I got in my double workout today.  30 minutes in the morning, 90 minutes at night.  Took my youngest daughter with me.  She thinks it’s fun…the gym has cable.  

My feet were doing some serious cramping the whole time I was on the elliptical.  Every step..ouch..ouch..ouch!  Perhaps I need potassium?  Just worked right through it. By the time I moved on to the weights, it was over with.

21 sets for my tris.  I try to do less sets, I really do.  But my body just won’t stop after 12 or 16.  So I keep on going.

Tonight I was working in between 3-4 real big guys.  All of them working their delts.  Lateral and front raises going on all around me.  

For a moment, I saw myself, the middle aged lady in between all of these young pups.  The boys working delts…the girl working triceps.  Them working hard, me working hard.  I was reminded of the Sesame Street Song…

"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?”

Sometimes I think it is really funny the degree to which I work out, the degree to which I strive.  I have to stifle a smile sometimes when I am down there straining away.  Tonight I was doing pullovers with a 55 lb dumbbell.  I was bench dipping with a 45 lb plate on my lap.  Close grip DB presses with 75…and would have gone higher if I had someone to hand off a DB.  

I love every blinking second of it.

But the thought does cross my mind.  

I am 37 years old!  I’m not supposed to be MORE active, I’m supposed to be comfortably settling down to LESS.  I’m supposed to be working 20 lbs on a machine somewhere.

I think these thoughts, and then I think of Ms Fitness, working the Gaspari booth with Marzia Prince at the Arnold tonight.  I think of 39 year old, mother of four, Ms Fitness, working out like a wild and crazy banshee, pumping that iron like a man, a wicked gleam in her eye…and I think….SHEESH!  I’m alright!  

It seems the only rules in this day and age…is that THERE ARE NO RULES.

I can be whoever I want to be!  It’s a GLORIOUS feeling.  

The purest feeling.

Thats right. Its time to party a little.  I have been working so diligently. Its now time to relax a little and kick up my heels.  Tomorrow night I go out with the girls.  

Check out my new dress.  I am so very excited over it.  Size smaller.  Plus its the first time I have been able to order clothes from this particular company.  I was to large before.  Anyway, come dance with me.  

To my fellow competitors; to myself:

Words from one who knows the true meaning of overcoming adversity.

Helen Keller-

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world.”

“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.”

And finally-

“Be of good cheer.  Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow.  You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles.  Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.”

This week you catch me in the midst of a big black hole.  I am a swirling vortex of negative energy, sucking up anything that crosses my path.  I have been binging for a week.  Well, what started out as some sane and sensible eating out with the family, somehow turned into something else.  Right now I am quite frankly, sick in the head.  Don’t walk in front of me…or I might…eat…you.

This is frankly, NOT ABOUT FOOD.  This is about winning…and what I am learning to be….my INTENSE FEAR of winning.  There is something dreadfully amiss, and I am digging deep down to find the root cause of it.  Whether I find and root it out in time to recover myself for the remainder of this contest, only time will tell.

Hang in there with me as I attempt to find myself, my inner motivations, and what it is that is holding me back.

I am up 6 pounds from a week ago.  Why is there a part of myself that likes me better this way?  That is a part of the puzzle I am working on.  What is it exactly, that I am so very scared of?

I do know this.  I am in the process of throwing all outdated modes of thinking BEHIND me.  I no longer believe that my strength is found in weakness.  I no longer believe that to love my life is to lose it.  I no longer believe.

I believe in spirit.  I believe in truth.  I believe in love.

Pictures to come later tonight.  Be prepared for some jelly belly.  

Hold out good thoughts and positive energy in my name.  Keep telling me I look good thinner…until I begin…to believe it.

Today is progress day.  The day we hold our breath and hope the scale moves in the right direction.  Today my scale is not my friend. It increased my weight by 3 pounds.  Now I am sure this is just water weight or something. I would have had to be really naughty to gain three pounds in a week and I know I wasnt.  Sure there were temptations but I over came those.

In a little bit I will make my way to the design department and get measured. Hopefull we will see some losses there.  LOL
Here are this weeks pics

The last week was rough.

You already heard about my diet problem, and I am now almost entirely sure it is the wheat oats I ate all the past week. My weight was not moving at all, just stood there at the same spot. I also experienced energy drop. It was hard for me to get up in the 05:30AM and do the morning workout. I was already afraid I was going to stop progressing, that I have reached some sort of plateau. I have experienced such things before and it takes some time to break out of it.

Today I feel much better. I got up and finished my workout as usual and doing just fine. I know I have lost a week and I will compensate for it this week. Now I understand much more was affecting my condition last week. Major factor is the stress. I am starting my own business venture. I will start my own on-line supplement store and I have so much to do about it. Yesterday I reached one milestone by actually registering my business and getting all the papers required for the business start. I can relax for a moment, but not for long. This week I have to work on my web site and scripts for on-line sales, plus I have to make contact with all the distributors in my country. I am very excited about this and I have such a positive vibrations I just know I will succeed!

Now I am still running on empty here, no supplements are used, but I feel strong and energized. I will double the boxing intensity for this week and lower the calories and hope for the best

That’s it from me for this call, keep your intensity high!

malibuilder

Ok so about 2 weeks ago my Car dies, and its approx 2500 or so to fix. Ok I’m finally over that, then we are caught up in our move, getting things ready etc and I cant locate my camera for last week. No biggie. Got it this week, so got my Workout video all set and ready. Whoo hoo! Turn the camera on and it errors out, says to turn power off then back on. So I do, and same error. Then I notice the stinking optical lense is stuck…when I first turn it on it try’s to come out click click click then stops. Then error. Well thank goodness I bought the extended warranty……..honey I had put the extended warranty paperwork in the……..

1+ hours later and I still cant find the receipt or anything. I’m frustrated to no end here. I’d just like something to go smoothly for once around here, things be organized where we can find them…etc..etc..

Yes I’m venting, but also needed to let everyone know why my video isnt up yet. Its not fair I think to just not post without reason. I’m going to borrow a relative’s camera and get to it ASAP. Should have the video and pictures all tomorrow at the same time.

Before I became MILF HUNTRESS, my internet name was RAISING WOMYN.  I have three daughters that I am raising.  Not as an accessory to man, but as a loving equal.  Introducing, my 3 sweet girlie-girls.  My little womyn.  I picked the song, "Prickly Thorn, Sweetly Worn", because this is what raising children has been to me.  The pleasure, the pain. Protecting babes from the bristles, then releasing them into the wind.

There are some things that I know are true about us as people.  It does not matter if you live in China, Yemen, or the US, these things apply.  These truths may show themselves with different attributes, but the fact remains that the basic truth exist.

Women and men want to be thought of as good.
No one sets out to be the villain or the bad guy.  Sure, some might want to be seen as dangerous, daring, or not goody-goody, but in the end everyone of us seeks to be righteous.  If you remember this when you talk to someone with conflicting values it is easier to see both sides of an issue.  Now, the bottom line is that people are not good all of the time or even most of the time.  When there is a failure to do what is good remember that the person that did wrong wants to be thought of as good even when you are correcting them.

This does not mean that you let people walk on you and do anything they want.  There are things worth taking a stand against and stating that what others are doing is wrong.  Just remember that the person that is doing what we consider to be wrong does not usually see that they are wrong.  Even if a person knows they are wrong they will twist and spin to find justification for what they have done. When you are wrong try to remember that previous sentence and simply correct your actions.

Men and women want to be pretty.
Ok, Ok, men don’t normally want to be pretty, but we all want to be attractive.  Attractiveness is defined differently by different people and different cultures so we all aspire to different looks, but in the end we all want to look good.  Do you want to know the kicker?  We are all attractive in some way.

Take the time to see the beauty in the other person.  It does not matter if the other person is fat, fit, or disfigured.   The elephant man claiming that he was not an animal was screaming out to the world that he was a human and for the rest of us to see the beauty of his humanity.  This need is so incredibly strong that you will be amazed what a difference it can make in people’s lives.

Once you find the beauty in another person you will find that you will respect that person far more than before.  It is almost impossible to hate someone that you find beauty.  Let me be clear, I am talking about physical beauty here, but that beauty transcends the physical to the spiritual  in both  the person seeing the beauty and the person that is being seen as beautiful.  I am also not talking about faking it.  Saying someone is beautiful when you do not see the beauty will not have a positive affect.

If you do not readily see the beauty in others you should work to improve that part of yourself.  You will find that your relationships in your life, personal and business, will improve greatly once you can truly see the beauty in the other person.  Again, no one wants to be ugly and because every human is worthwhile there is beauty to be found.  Once you see the beauty in others let them know.  People so desire to be seen as beautiful that you may actually draw a tear of appreciation.

Now, you need to see yourself as beautiful.  We tend to be so very critical of our own looks as we always wish to improve or change something.  Find that beauty in yourself.  By doing this you will be able to work on the parts of yourself that you would like to improve.  As you start to see other’s beauty you will be able to see your own despite your flaws.

Thoughts Matter
We make fun of the positive thinkers all of the time.  Frankly, the ‘happy talk’ can be complete BS because artificial talk on top of fundamental thought will change nothing.  But if you can change your fundamental thoughts you can achieve anything.  If there is nothing about yourself other than the dimple on you knee that you find pretty by golly you better remind yourself about that dimple 5 times for every time you think something negative about yourself.  No, looking into a mirror and telling yourself that you are worthwhile over and over again will not help you, but if you look into that mirror and recognize the positive and feed the positive more than you feed the negative you will grow.

I had a fabulous weekend.  Great workouts, quality family time, complete productive and positve planning to reach my goals,  and some r and r.  What mroe can you ask for?

Made a little video.  I like to use this as a warm up however if I am running short on time, I use it as a circuit with three rounds and can get out of the gym in under 30 minutes.  Enjoy

Oh and a shout out to Pixi…Happy Birthday.  Enjoy yourself today and much happiness throughout the year.

OK, last week was going down, then up and down again. I am not sure why but at the beginning of the week I lost few pounds and than a sudden energy drop, and I gain some weight (watter probably) and than I get down again.

Anyways here are the progress pictures:

I have met a new friend from this site.  I have met many wonderful people here.  It warms my heart.  Whose idea was it for bodybuilding.com to present a place for people to be able to communicate, to share their love of health and fitness with one another?  

It was a wonderful idea.

My new friend asked me a question, based upon something I had written in my progress pics and bio of my weight loss transformation.

She asked;

"What did you mean about bodybuilding ’saving your life’.?"

This was my response.

About bodybuilding saving my life…

It has done this for me in more than one way.

For starters, I do believe that my obesity was killing me physically. I had so much pain…went through SO many unhealthy symptoms. I couldn’t stop gaining. I was out of control, and all my body knew how to do was STORE FAT. Everything in my blood work was SEVERELY out of whack. I was one step away from heart attack, stroke or both.

Also, I had sleep apnea. I would wake up with blinding headaches from lack of oxygen during the night. Zero energy. Could hardly lift myself up off a chair, it was that bad. Back pain at it’s worst. Sometimes crippling. What a mess!

Add to that the MENTAL repurcussions of living in such a manner. How it was affecting my relationships, etc. My husband LOATHED me. HE denies this, but he DID. But I was a sick depressed morbidly obese woman. NOT the woman he signed up to love and cherish at the altar.

I had to work through alot of forgiveness for not feeling loved during this period. But it took the both of us to allow our relationship to grow as sick as it had become.

Anyway, during this period…I suffered alot of depression and hopelessness. ALOT. I went through periods of wanting to cut myself. I would take scalding hot baths to relieve mental anguish and suffering. I didn’t know how to cope.

I was trying to be a good person, and nothing that I was doing was working out. I felt like a failure and out of control with my life.

All I had ever wanted to do was to love my babies and be a "good person". But I had lost myself in the process. My husband no longer loved me…or made love to me. My kids were great. They loved me. But I was unable to interact with them and do the fun things we had once done because of my weight.

Ahh..getting long here…but I just want to say…that since I started weight training I have had ZERO DEPRESSION.

I feel POSITIVE, FOCUSED, ENERGIZED. I have bad suckie days…life happens…but my daily workout keeps me energized and refreshed.

I no longer have to suck down negative feelings to block them, or eat them away.
NOW I get to work those babies out with the iron and some good strenuous cardio.

I feel good about myself. I like myself. I am very honest about who I am…both the good and the bad. Weight training seriously UNBLOCKS me. Through it, I have become more than an overcomer. I am more than a survivor…I am a THRIVER.

And I want to live this way FOREVER.

XOXOXO

Maddi

I’ve been watching the newest season of American Idol and one singer really stood out to me. His name is Josiah Leming, 18 and from Tennessee. This young man has been living out of his car and has had many misfortunes. The American Idol crew presented his story in tremendous fashion. I’m inspired by his voice, his life challenges and I know this talented young man has a bright future ahead of him, despite not making the final 24.

I dont have anything profound or inspiritation to add today.  Work has picked up which means I am swamped.  I am getting in all my meals and the training is going well.  

I have made several dates over the next few weeks to hang out with some friends.  I am looking forward to that but continuously remind myself that this is not a reason to "cheat" or stumble.  I have put some plans in place to keep that from happening.  I figure the bachelorette party maybe a little challenging but hey I can be strong.  LOL