Big Is Inside

Ever get the SAME answers to questions?  

Ever try to HELP people, but get half-ass input?  

The SAME responses.  Over and over.  Like people have been working together to put these together or something.  Like I am talking the SAME WORDS sometimes.

People ask me over and over for diet advice.  And I HATE offering to people advice arbitrartily.  It;s unfair, and usually makes a mess of things.  Hey if we’re gonna work on diet, well then let’s REALLY WORK, right?  None of this 8-second sound-bite crap, which watses MY time — and sets YOU up for failure.

What is one of the main reasons people are compelled to ask for advice?  They want their body to look AWESOME.  Just like you.  You hold in your mind even now a VERY SPECIFIC picture of what you want your physique to become.

A VERY SPECIFIC PICTURE.  

You know details and measurements and everything.  Heck — you prbably even know the shade of TAN you want!  You can practically TOUCH it the picture is so clear and PRECISE in your head.

And of course you want to GET THERE.  DEPERATELY.  So you begin asking people who have done solid work.  Or people like me — jokers with big mouths.  I’m usually towards the bottom of the list, sure, but eventually you come to me and ask for diet advice.  

And asking advice is a VERY IMPORTANT TOOL.  But a tool is only useful if it is used correctly.  I mean, you can use a hammer to build a house, or crack open a skull.

And all too often people use the tool of advice asking to absolutely pommel my poor cranium until it practically splits like a cantaloupe.

I mean, it is sensible to ask "What can I do?"   I actually LOVE that . . .

But it’s the WAY people ask . . . that’s where the trouble and skull bashing often begins . . .

So, let me try to help you USE the tool of requesting advice a LITTLE better.  

In order for me or anyone like me (god FORBID anyone is actually LIKE me, right?) to give you USEFUL advice, I (or we) need to first know WHERE YOU ARE AT in the grand scheme of things.  

You want output?

Well, I need input to give output.  

So, when stopped and asked for advice I will typically, logically ask you somethign like: "So what is your eating like right now?"

Then, BOOM — the trigger is pulled.  The switch is flipped.  The machine begins.  My poor melon gets whacked.

Yes, at the dropping of my innocent question, make way, ladies and gents — here comes the PARADE OF GENERIC ANSWERS!

I swear I get these generic answers ninety-nine out of one-hundred times.  Answers phrased as descriptions but are not really all that descriptive.  Answers to my question that leave me MORE in the dark than if the conversation never occurred at all.

That is what this blog is about.  Those infamous, pre-canned responses.

I ask, in plain english: "So tell me what your diet is like."

And what I MOST often get is:

> "It’s pretty clean right now."
Like with soap?  You disinfect your chicken?  What the?

> "I don’t eat bread or pasta."
Oh THAT’S useful.  Now that we have cleared TWO items from the OTHER list of 137,256,004 food options, this should move along MUCH quicker.

> "My breakfast consists of…"
Wait a second — how did you know I had a voice recorder on, and was therefore capable of MEMORIZING YOUR DIET AS YOU VERBALLY DICTATE IT TO ME.

> "It’s pretty good."
Do you mean morally?

> "It’s all wrong."
Really.  So you’re eating tar and iron shavings?  I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS RIGHT?  If you don’t know what’s correct how can you know that your diet is INCORRECT?!  And if you DO already know what’s correct, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU INTERRUPTING MY DELT WORKOUT?

> "I eat a lot of chicken."
In one sitting?  And to what are you comparing "a lot"?  The national average?  A wolf?  The size of an "average" chicken?  

> "I drink a lot of water."
Ah yes — the elixer of ALL LIFE.  Funny, I presumed you were the one human being you didn’t drink ANY water.  Thanks for clearing THAT one up.

> "Sweet potatoes, brown rice, oatmeal, chicken, and tuna."
So, then, safe to say everything in the "shades of brown" category?

> "I am pretty strict."
So what does TAHT mean?!  You makes sure your salad is home by 10:30, and can’t date strange boys?

> "Not good."
Again with the morals.  What is this — the evangelical diet program?

> "Well I am more curious to have you tell me yours."
Oh right, no problem.  Putting together that little compendium would only be, what, maybe three, four hundred pages, and were it all ready made to go I could publish it and become very wealthy.  But naw — forget all that.  Let me instead just spew it out to you while standing here next to the cable crossover.  

> "I’m not very happy with it."
Did you want nutrition, or therapy?

> "What do you mean?"
Umm, I got to go now, and find a board to repetitively whack myself in the skull.

And there’s that skull crushing again.  Funny how a simple tool for gaining knowledge can be SO dangerous!

Now, please keep in mind that in spite of the repetitive head trauma I receive, I DO still offer LOTS of suggestions to people who ask — and yes for free.  I DO try my HARDEST to be supportive and encouraging — and of course PATIENT.  

But when I’m hurled against such a solid wall of vaguery, I really need a helmet.  My regular readers know my head ain’t all that stable as it is!

So, people, in the name of all that’s sensible and good, PLEASE help me — help US — help you!

A) DO NOT PRESUME IT WILL BE A SHORT CONVERSATION.  In other words, ask us FIRST if we have any time available, then SECOND ask your diet question.

B) HAVE YOUR DATA PREPARED!  Be able to offer SPECIFIC data about YOUR OWN diet — times, numbers, quantities, EVERYTHING.  Don’t make US go digging for YOUR data!  If you’ve been putting it into your own mouth you must know SOMETHING about it . . .

C) ACCEPT THAT IT WILL BE MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOU AT FIRST IMAGINED.  Help us clear away the clutter from early on by NOT presuming it will be quick, it can be done "on the fly", or that a two minute tidbit of advice will make it all work out.

Now, I only offer these suggestions to help you.  

Actually, I also offer this to help prevent any further skull bashing.  But MAINLY to help you.

And I am sure it must be a little useful for you.  Right?  Doesn’t it?  I mean, let me ask you:

"Is this a useful tip for getting diet advice?"

No wait — on second thought, DON’T answer that . . . I want to keep my skull in tact . . .

It was INEVITABLE that eventually I would end up writing a SEQUEL to one of my own blogs . . .

So, here it is.  A follow up to the whole "natty" blog I posted a few months back.  

But before you here me go off again, you might want to brush up on the ORIGINAL blog post:

http://blog.bodybuilding.com/The_Real_XN/2007/03/21/the-sport-of-natty-bobing-or-when-did-i-beco
me-natty/

(Go read that post befoe continuing, or this one won’t make ANY sense!)

Well, recently, someone had speculated about the origins of the term.  They had this to tell me:

"[The term "natty"] comes partially from the widespread usage of the word "natty" for peanut butter…"

Okay . . . wait a sec — WHAT?!

NOW THIS IS NEWS.

So, to summarize what I am being told:

Apparently there was some random social consciousness held at some point.  A meeting of the minds, as it were, focused on bringing  — a-hem — PEANUT BUTTER into the realm of uber-cool, suburban-white-boy, post-marketing neo-gangsta-rap lingo!

AND THEN THIS NEW TERM SOMEHOW BECAME CROSS-POLINATED WITH THOSE SKIPPY-LOVIN’ BODYBUILDERS?!

Well, this REALLY IS crucial news for a "regular guy" like me to learn.

See, I had NO IDEA that SUCH an image deterioration problem was occuring among us bodybuilders!  After all, aren’t we usually known to be the epitomies of self-security and confidence?  And yet, in spite of this image, here we are thrown into fits of insecurity by the mere monikers for sandwich spreads!

Wow, I must look REALLY out of it.

And this explains a LOT about how people react to me.  I mean, Ican only imagine how much my popularity has been negatively affected because I dare to use the full word — gasp! - "MAYONNAISE"!

Meanwhile, I am NOT sure which part is MORE disturbing:

The fact that there were actually guys who felt their coolness was LESSENED based on what they called peanut butter . . .

OR

The implication that I may now be classified under the same heirarchy which includes "creamy" and "chunky".  (Or are the terms now reduced simply to "cree" and "n-kay"?!)

Sigh . . . and they wonder why I so often fear the future . . .

Dear NPC/IFBB,

It has become a point of consternation among many athletes that bodybuilding is held down under a "glass ceiling" in relation to other recognized sports.  We are not seen as "legitimate" in every sense of the word.  Much of this has centered on the controversy of the excessive and profound use of drugging in the NPC and IFBB.

One of the biggest problems has been that there has been no way to check for drugs, and yet still attain the athletes whom you deem "marketable.  We understand and are compassionate to the fact that you are businesses, and businesses MUST first and foremost maintain a financial bottom line.  You have been very generous in showing that this bottom line is based on the men whose drug use is excessive.  Therefore, to check for drugs seems to be cutting into your very survival.  Quite a problem.

So how can we move past this glass ceiling, and gain legitimacy when the current state of drug testing would cut off the source of funding?

Well, I think I have your solution.  I have found a way to check for durgs in EVERY PRO ATHLETE, and yet STILL ENSURE THAT THEY CAN COMPETE.

The procedure is simple.  First, gather all competitors for a contest in any private area.  You will need an administrator and a tabulatory.

Now you can begin checking EVERY athlete for drug use.  The procedure follows:

ADMINISTRATOR: "Hey buddy, you use drugs?"

COMPETITOR #1: "Yeah."

ADMINISTRATOR: "Good.  This guy checks out."  

[move to next competitor]

ADMINISTRATOR: "Hey buddy, you use drugs?"

COMPETITOR #2: "Yup."

ADMINISTRATOR: "Good.  This guy checks out."  

And so on down through every athlete.

With THIS new method you can at last publicly show those nay-sayers that, yes indeed, EVERY athlete is authentically checked for drug use in the NPC or IFBB!  Let them try to dispute THIS!  There’ll be no ignoring bodybuilding’s brilliance NOW!

At last we can be free of the controversy and prove without a doubt that all our athletes are indeed checked for drugs! Feel free to contact me, as I am available to conduct paid seminars on conducting this innovative new test.

I know this new test is up to the same stringent standard you have heretofore been diligently trying to uphold.  I am excited that we can at last publicly acknowledge the legitimacy that every athelte checks out for drug use.  I look forward to the new era of prosperity this will undoubtedly bring.

Sincerely,
-XN

"Things overheard at various bodybuilding contests over the years." = "What most often is really being said."

Now, let the euphemisms begin . . .

"I figured I’d concentrate on the light-heavyweights this year." = "I still don’t train my legs."

"I have one dude helping me who really knows his shit." = "I finally got a dealer who is SERIOUSLY hooked up."

"I compete for me, and for no one else." = "Still trying to hit that elusive first place . . . "

"The only hard part was the diet." = "I’m secretly a total alcoholic but want to blame the lack of calories."

"I think some of these women are a little too "muscular" to be figure competitors." = "I thought all I had to do was look like f**k-bait to win first place.  DAMN IT!"

"I’m NPC all the way from now on." = "I used to compete and even place well in the so-called "natural" contests, but now I have switched to using steroids."

"Money’s tight this season." = "I can’t afford the cycle I want to do."

"I injured myself, so have to wait to compete again." = "I psyched myself out too much and then sank into a crazy, suicidal depression after my last contest."

"I injured myself, so have to wait to compete again." (runner-up version) = "I JUST BOUGHT MY FIRST CYCLE OF GROWTH!  HOORAY!  Now leave me alone."

"I figured I’d take a year or two to bulk up some more, then cut down." = "I have no CLUE how to manage a diet."

"I hate having to a do a routine at the evening show." = "I’m a frustrated powerlifter too weak and whiney to compete in the sport where I belong."

"Good luck, and don’t go broke." = "Hey buddy, don’t blow all your money on gear while obsessively (and pathetically) trying to become the next Mr. O."

"You must be psyched [for how well you placed]." = "You’re a dirt-bag who seriously has nothing else going for you.  Enjoy your plastic trophy."

"The weigh-in scale is off." = "I perpetually lie about my TRUE weight."

"It’s like Jay says in his book . . . " = "I’d rather be watching pro wrestling and drinking beer. . . "

"I’m gonna start concentrating on ultimate fighting after this." = "My contest prep was designed by a one-armed, blind marmot in a coma."

"How do you like the sequin design on my suit?" = "I am DESPERATE to have men drool over my tits because I have NO CLUE what true love is all about."

"I can’t WAIT to eat a whole box of Oreos after this." (women’s version) = "Hi!  I’m a closet bulimic!"

"I can’t WAIT to eat a whole pizza after this." (men’s version) = "Hi!  I’ve never eaten a whole pizza in my life!"

"My boyfriend got me into competing." = "I just KNOW that violent, abusive bastard is also cheating on me, but I am too self-loathing to dump him but too weak to set him straight, so instead I am pathetically deteriorating my sense of pride by trying to be somehow become MORE appealing to him . . . "

"I think my shape came in awesome." = "I was shocked to learn I weighed into the bantamweight class."

"hey wait a sec – didn’t I see you compete in the [insert name of any natural contest] a couple weeks ago?" = "You lying, douche-bag piece of shit."

"This isn’t really my show." = "I have all the intelligence of that one-armed, blind marmot in a coma who put that other guy’s program together."

"All I think about all day and all night is bodybuilding." = "I never quite made it out of the closet."

"This is my off season." = "I bought my first kit that includes groth."

"I think my shape is WAY better for figure than bodybuilding." = "My abusive, controlling boyfriend just shucked out the $4,000 to get me a new boob job."

"My trainer told me to…" = "Shine a bright light in my eyes and I will go into paralysis like a racoon crossing a street at night."

"That guy who came in first is a tool." (non-steroid version) = "That guy has bigger gyno tits than Pamela Anderson."

"That guy who came in first is a tool." (steroid version) = "I’ve never felt so strangely sexually attracted to a man before."

"EVERY CANDIDATE will be drug tested today." = "People have been slipping by our testing for years."

"That guy over there has sick proportions." = "I wish my arms didn’t look so damn small."

"His posing is WICKED funny." = "He looks like he’s having a seizure."

"His posing is a little stiff." = "He looks like a stick figure out there."

"His posing is very . . . ARTISTIC." = "I think that dude might be gay."

"That guy’s unstoppable." = "That guy is this league’s latest darling poster-boy."

"Wow, look at her WALK!" = "I know that there is technically no such thing as ASKING to be raped, but . . . "

"I needed to take a break for a few years before getting back into it." = "My wife/husband divorced me HARD."

"I do it mainly to look good." = "Hi.  I’m a chronic masturbator."

"I only jumped in because my buddies told me I should." = "Usually you find me cracked out and rolling my tits off at 4:00am in some Long Island Guido style nightclub, then stumbling home smelling like bad cologne and a bathroom floor."

"Figure girls." (versus "Figure women.") = "All women secretly scare me."

"How’d I look out there?" = "Look at my cool new contest-day haircut I got!"

"I swear they only scored me poorly because I have tattoos." = "This tribal-design, meaningless, peer-pressure piece of crap is going to look like shit in about 5 years, but I just can’t bring myself to admit that I’m a total tool."

"Maybe I screwed up my water." = "Maybe i am just too pussy to admit I’m a fat ass block tard who can’t run a diet to save my life."

"I’m doing this for my son/daughter." = "I’m that pinhead who got his girlfriend pregnant three years ago, but still haven’t discovered the joy of fatherhood."

"The judges are blind." = "I am the only TRULY natural guy in the line up.  Too bad I’m a prick with a shitty attitude."

"Make sure you put color everywhere." = "Secretly, my favorite part of competition is having another man rub my body all over.

"I’m here to win." = "All my life people have never really, well, LIKED me, let alone LOVED . . . "

"I need to bring up my calves." = "I train arms twice per week."

"How was my lat spread?" = "Just don’t talk about my legs.  I’m top heavy."

"I can’t wait for this to be over." = "I can’t wait for this to be over."

"This was awesome." = "This was awesome."

"Anyone will tell you I’m a down-to-earth guy/gal." = "If I had to actually TELL you that I am a down to earth guy/gal, then it probably ain’t true."

"What did he/she mean when they said . . . ?" = "I wish we could all just TALK to one another.  Can’t we just pose with our bodies instead of always posing with our words?"

I have been hearing from some people that my blog is thus far, well, a little "different" from other blogs.  I feel awful that the unfamiliarity is causing so much concern.  As a courtesy to my regular readers (all 5 of you), I will try to occasionally post in ways that more appropriately mimic the types of bodybuilding blogs you are used to reading.  

So, now, for those of you with a headache from reading my regular blog entries, I will proudly join in the chorus . . . I hope this makes you all feel much more at home with my blog.

Ahem.

Trained legs Monday.  Killer workout but was feeling sick and so didn’t get the lbs-ages I wanted.  Did 10 of ten’s squats then went on to sled:
720 x 12
340 x 12
900 x 10
1,130 x 8 (thirteen sets)
had some AST VP2, 8g glutamine, 45g dextrose powder immediately afterwards.  Definitely concerned with the post maximal volumization response cell wall pump vascularity.  Pretty certain that as long as I maximize 15g of pure consolidated hydrolized post-workout recovery ingest without MCT or LCT’s twice daily.  

I have been hearin’ a lot of stuff regarding high Intensity Forced Rep Driven Scope Romanian External Force Hyperbolic training method and how it can increase blood flow to the left upper outer medial connections.  Some dudes in the NPC are doing it.  I know a bunch of guys in the NPC. I want to try this but first am concerned with cuttin’ short my Low Compund PTRJK High Profile Double Spaced routine.  It’s killer so far.  

Put on a half inch on my biceps and have grown 2 inches.  Also that joint pain problem in my knee seems to getting better since my shin fell off.  Happened to a buddy of mine who competes in the NPC.  I know a bunch of guys in the NPC.  I went to the doctor and he told me to lay off the routine until the bleeding stops.  F**k THAT!

Kind of curious what people think about zero carb, zero fat, zero water diet?  I heard a lot of natural pro’s are using it.  Even some guys in the NPC.  I know a bunch of guys in the NPC.  I was told to take in my protein 18 times a day with protein powder.  Caseinate of course, hydrolized, micro-cellular, up-the-ante, BGH-rich, low lactose whey carbonate.  Anyone out there doing the same let me know.

Fell off the diet last night and dunked my head in a vat of fudge batter.  The good news it had almonds in it, which is a healthy fat, so I figured it slowed down the absorption.  Contest prep is stressful.  But a lot of people I know have told me that this happens from time to time.  I know a bunch of guys in the NPC.  Last Tuesday the nacho cheese incident I told you about really shook me up.  Fortunately none of it ended up in my mouth, only in my trunks.  Man, posing is stressful!  Needless to say I am back on 1000.87%  Now it’s:

Andriodiopostulatio-5-nor-neitherandrohydrog
enous glucosamine 1 scoop per day. (I have taken this in the past and liked it. That’s why I have added it in to this regiment)

Vaso CrEE Navajo Seminole 2 serving mixed in Amino Essential Viral Pure RTD per hour.

Muscle Stack Pack Whack Ya Back (the one with the red foil liner is the good one – clearly pharmeceutical grade) 19 serving per day (5 caps)

Vaso Dilo Humido Gluco Wonka Pump 4 caps per day

Labrada Yates Stallone Gaspari Elasti Nutri Bounty Glu Chon MSM (Apple-tini flavor) one serv twice per 3 days every 9 weeks on a full moon.

I have continued to ride the stationary bike for 30 minutes before, 30 minutes during and 30 minutes after my work outs. I’ve increased the pace and am doing level 27 at about 90 to 100.  This means I am burning 5,000 calories a week which is great.  Now if I could just get the lower 9-pack to show!

I’ll probably start doing some hammer swiss ball roll plyometric curls for my hams and delts this upcoming week. A few guys I know do that and say it works great. And I know a bunch of guys in the NPC.  

Hope this helps!

Bodybuilders are the most sensitive dudes I know.

No seriously.

You guys are all touchie-feelie, softies.  

And now I bet a bunch of you are puffing out your lats and crunching your brows right now.  A few are even lowering your voices a little deeper and telling me:

"Dude, what are you talking about?  In the gym I am all business!  I’m no softie!  I’m hard as a rock!"

Whatever, man.  I don’t buy it.  You’re a soft, gushy Dr. Phil candidate . . .

I say this because almost every bodybuilder I meet NEVER wants to talk shop.  I mean you guys front that you’re all hardcore into the process, but that is JUST a front.  Meanwhile, from my experience, you NEVER voluntarily open a conversation with any SERIOUS hard facts.  

Now, whenever I get the precious chance to chat with a bodybuilder who on the surface seems to know his stuff, well, what I most want to discuss is training, or diet, or tactics, or biology, or history – or any one of a million serious disciplines.  And I want to keep a calm, cool head and just bat the cold, emotionless facts around.  When it comes to the academics of bodybuilding, I don’t mind having a bit of a clash, a quarrel or a debate on the relevance, reality and presence of hardcore facts!  Arguably, it is through this clash that we would most learn from each other; what works, and what doesn’t. So, when I chat with you guys, what I want MOST and FIRST is to have it ALL out!  

Let’s bust heads, knock opinions and LEARN something.

I WANT TO RUN THE GAUNTLET OF INFORMATION AND COME OUT BLOODY AND SATISFIED!  

So, naturally, when I run into a guy who SEEMS "serious" I will spike the conversation, put my truths out there, and HOPE for a solid reply.  Butwhat do I get?

EVERY time what do I get?

You dudes NEVER want to want to talk about hard facts.  Nope.  Instead, you dudes always want to talk about your feelings.

Almost EVERY time.

WHY can’t we discuss the realities and logical facts of situations?  Why can’t we help each other see what’s wrong, what’s best, and what makes most sense?  WHY IS IT ALMOST ALWAYS INSTEAD ABOUT YOUR GODDAMNED FEELINGS?!Look, is this bodybuilding, or group therapy?

And you all know damn well what I am talking about.  Like, let’s say, for example, I tell you something like this:

"Dude, your shoulders look HUGE lately!  How have you been training them?"

And before I get any thoughtful training routine, what am I MORE likely to hear back from you FIRST?

"Thanks – but I don’t FEEL huge."

Ugh.

Or maybe to a woman I’ll say something like:

"WOW!  What have you been doing differently with your diet?  You look MUCH leaner than you did a week ago?"

And before I hear about some great caloric strategy, what’s most likely the first reply?

"LEANER?  What are you TALKING about?  I FEEL huge!"

GRRR.

Or maybe I’ll see some kid tearing it up in the gym, throwing weight up like a maniac.  I might chat with him and say:

"Dude, seriously — with the shape you’re in you’re, like, maybe three months out from doing okay in a contest.  Did you every think about competing?"

And of course, before debating pro’s and con’s sensibly, how do they always ALWAYS initially respond?

"Naw.  I don’t FEEL ready for a contest."

Feel feel feel.  Always with the FEELINGS.  When, oh WHEN will bodybuilders start discussing facts?  So often we go by our feelings – or maybe we use the cousin expression "how we think it is".  

Either way, YOU CAN’T RUN A PROGRAM ON FEEL!  I mean, if you went by feel you wouldn’t get ANYWHERE?  Imagine if chefs cooked by feel?  Then you take your date to a fine restaurant, have a hearty meel, and later find yourself at home puking your brains out.  When you call the restaurant to complain about food poisoning, can you imagine their response?

"Oh, but the chef FELT like your meal was cooked enough.  That’s why he served it to you that way."

Or what if schools ran by feel and "by think."  So, at the end of the school year, the staff sits around to decide who graduates and who doesn’t.  Instead of looking at grades, they decide who graduates based on who they "think" learned the most stuff.  

"How about THIS kid?  Let’s let him graduate.  I mean, I THINK he knows math . . . "

Or imagine if they ran the Iraq war based on how the soldiers FELT?  Like, after a long battle, would a bunch of troops pack up and come home early just because they FELT like they were winning?  (Of course, sometimes you gotta wonder if this isn’t actually the current military strategy.  But let’s not go too far THERE . . . )

Look, when it comes to a process like cooking or war or educatin – or BODYBUILDING – you can not run the show based on hunches and notions.  YOU NEED FACTS.

Now I am NOT trying to say that feelings are completely useless.  No no – it is the opposite.  Feelings are are actualy VERY important – perhaps vital.  How we FEEL can often lead us to what the facts are.  But what i am suggesting is that perhaps the best strategy is to FIRST seek out facts, THEN analyze feelings in light of those facts . . .

But so many bodybuilders have that process BACKWARDS.  They START with feelings, and sometimes don’t even MAKE it to the facts of a situation.  Meanwhile, when it comes time to act or decide, it is the FACTS, not the FEELINGS, that will help determine best action.

And I know you’re all nodding your heads, very wise and upright.  This is no news to you.  No – YOU are the hardened bodybuilder.  You ain’t no feelings-first guy.  You ALWAYS knew that putting facts firstwere the key ingredient to a succesful plan.  You are not one of those softie, touchie-feelie bodybuilders.  No no, you must be thinking – YOU are the hyperion of rational, logical thought.  You know how to hold a cold, wise jurisprudence and look at situations with clear objectivity.

And how are you certain that this is true?  How are you certain that YOU are not one of those bodybuilders who’s program is led by feelings more than facts?

Because you don’t FEEL like one of those bodybuilders.  That’s why.

Sigh.

Like I said, you bodybuilders are the most sensitive dudes, I know.

I am SO glad to see more and more big, boated growth guts in the IFBB.

It does my heart good.  No really.  I mean, I am sure all the pharmeceutical excess of these guys isn’t doing THEIR hearts any good.  But I am glad for it.

I hope Dennis James’ enjoys his prolonged third trimester.  I really am glad to see Jay Cutler loosening his belt.  Victor Martinez’s standing upright for men with big middles is just a grand thing.  Marcus Ruhl proves that even the full figured have a place in the ranks.  And of course, our favorite prego, Mr. Coleman, whose kidney and liver definition were simply astounding.

Makes me glad.

In fact, I STRONGLY hope the IFBB sport continues that way.  I DEEPLY and PROFOUNDLY hope that the IFBB competitors become more grotesque, more preposterous, and more distorted.

Seriosuly.

Then even casual spectators will begin to accept that there are a LOT of drugs in these boys.  it will be unavoidable: people will see that is not a contest of presenting a physique, it is a contest of presenting a distortion of a physique.  

In the end, it is about how exaggerated can you become yet stil survive.  It is a contest of who has the strongest internal organs rather than the external muscles.  

And i am VERY happy about it.

It reminds me of wrestling.  Wrestling has two faces.  First, there’s "pro" wrestlin, and everyone everyone knows about that.  No one would argue against how hard pro wrestlers work.  These guys are genuinely athletes, and genuinely in great condition to be able to do all that they do.  And there is a spectacle of athletic prowess that requires skill, agility and prowess.

But let’s not kid ourselves.  Pro wrestling may be a sport – but a COMPETITIVE sport?  That’s a little challenging . . . it’s a sporting ENTERTAINMENT . . . but meanwhile, back as recently as the 80’s were some people who STILL believed that pro wrestling was not staged.  They honestly thought that this was a true contest.  It took a few decades before people got the hang of it:

Po wrestling: yes a sport; no, not quite an authentic contest.

Nowadays, we "get" that it is supposed to be about entertainment.  It is about being "wowed", blown away, thrilled.  

But then then there’s "real" wrestling.  Olympic or collegiate or classical wrestling — however you want to call it — this "authentic" version of wrestling is going on all the time.  The masses rarely hear about it.  It’s just about never covered on widespread media.  But somewhere in local gyms or tournaments it continues, unhampered, healthy and competitive.  And even if we rarely SEE this side of the sport, we all sort of quietly agree that it is somehow the "more authentic" approach to the competitive aspects of the sport.

No one says Pro Wrestling ain’t a sport, just that the Olympic wrestling is where the authentic sense of sporting competition resides; without fanfare, without showboating, according to discernable rules, and open to mastery.

And that’s a nice little point, but this is a bodybuilding blog . . . not a wrestling one.

So, back to my bloated boys on the IFBB.  

Just like their pro wrestler bretheren of Triple H, Hulk Hogan and John Cena, there is NO MISTAKING that Dexter Jackson, Jason Arntz and Albert Breckles are just as hard working.  These IFBB bodybuilders are, like it or not, genuine athletes.  They are working damn hard to do what they want to do.

So, therefore, IFBB bodybuilding is, like pro wrestling, definitely a SPORT.

But the analogy works to further the poit . . . because, also like pro wrestling, we in the public address are left to wonder: "so just how much of a COMPETITIVE sport is it?"

I mean, a STRONG argument could be made that, these days, IFBB shows are jjst that: SHOWS.  They are a bit more of an entertainment than a contest.  They are a chance to see something wild and fascinating and rare.  We get to see our wildest fantasies for muscle come to life!  We get to see bizarre proportions and wild shapes.  The sights boggle the mind and shocks our expectations!  

But when you think about, it’s all planned.  They may not necessarily know the winner, but they sure as hell know what’s going to happen in the contest.  They pick their criteria, and the judges upholding that criteria are the same powers who are setting the standards for the contest itself.  It is a pre-planned entertainment.  Whichever athlete had the body that survived under the most rigorous conditions of pharmeceutical excess in order to match the criteria is named the winner.  Then the next time they do it again, and again . . . . and the audiences buy into it eagerly.

Where does the spectacle end and the skill begin?  Where are the discernable, consistant rules and criteria to "the game"?  Where is the authenticity?

Let’s face it: the IFBB is heading the way of pro wrestling . . . slowly it is transforming into a fun, imaginative freak show.  

Right now, we are to bodybuilding as people were to wrestling in the 80’s.  Mnay people have already figured out that IFBB bodybuilding isn’t authentic in it’s sense of competition.  Yet many wild fans and hopefuls cling madly to the notion that yes, yes! YES! THIS IFBB STUFF IS REAL!

Regardless, I stick with the sensible minds, and push the analogy further.  

I think: "if IFBB bodybuilding is analogous to pro wrestling, then what part of bodybuilding is analogous to real, Olympic wrestling?"

Is there an "Olympic bodybuidling?"

Well, I personally think so.

But I think it is still stuck in the shadow of it’s noisy little brother, the IFBB.

There is still going on out there a more "authentic" version of competitive bodybuilding.  it is smaller, quieter, and harder to access than the IFBB show.  But it is more closely related to it’s original basis rooted in thousands of years of study of the human form combined with the science of human development.  it is the part of the sport that has retained it’s focus on the quality of presentation, rather than magnitude of impression.

But this side of the sport is still trying to get it’s footing.  It is muchly associated with natural shows, but even a few non-tested events have hearkened back to sensible principles.  

But one thing is for certain: genuine "Olympic" bodybuilding will not emerge until it is disassociated from the IFBB "pro bodybuilding’ entertainment.  Much of this disassociation is in the hands of the athletes and organizations who keep this degree of authenticity.  However, a portion belongs to the IFBB.

In order for Olympic bodybuilding to emerge, the IFBB will first need to be more widely regarded as farce.  I don’t mean a farce in a negative way.  Think of how the Simpson’s is a farce of family life, or how pro wrestling is a farce of Olympic wrestling: I mean a respectable, understandable, well-loved farcical version of bodybuilding. As this occurs, it will leave more room for the authentic, Olympic-based version of the sport of bodybuilding.

So, one of the ways the IFBB will be seen as a farce is if the bodes within the sport become more, well, farcical.  As the boys become more wildly exaggerated, so too will the perception of authenticity slowly wane.  

We will always love the show put on by the IFBB boys, but we will just begin seeing it — and enjoying it — for what it is.  Specifically, as something seperate from Olympic bodybuilding, even if it looks very similar.  

So, I am all for the growth of growth guts.  I am all for bizarre new proportions and demented, freakish dimensions of human muscle.  

Bring it on.

As these guts grow, so too grows the possibility that one day they will become seperate from the sport I am so fond of.

Go boys!  GROW!  God bless those guts!  Onward to victory!

I got a REALLY cool piece of feedback from a competitor whose handle is "BahamaMan".  I LOVED this one:

"Christian, Read some of your blogs. You’ve got to admit that they’re long-winded and preachy, but I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. As a "natty bb" with "getting Pro card" as a goal, I especially like your point about "going pro"."

(Bahamaman is specifically referring to the blog "The Pro Card and the Wendy’s Burger", http://blog.bodybuilding.com/The_Real_XN/2007/03/21/the-pro-card-and-the-wendys-burger/)

BahamahamahamaMan, that is AWESOME!  

And as far as "admitting" to it . . . well . . . you’re RIGHT!  I am often LONG LONG LONG winded.  And certainly my ferver (read: lack of proofreading) for the topics usually lends itself to me sounding preachy.  

READ: I TOTALLY AGREE!  

I’ll do my best to recover some of my writing school precision from here on out (read: actually PROOFREAD the darn things).  I try to call attention (read: warn people) to the fact that I can write that way.  But in the end, you’re dead-on right, and it’s worth watching

But with that said, I make no promises . . . lord knows I’ll lose myself in the prose again.  The same way I lose myself in the bodybuilding! (read: stubborn as a mule and persistant as a gnat!)

And furthermore you will all agree with me that this all results itself in . . .

Oh wait.  Skip it.

For my readers (all two of you) I have GREAT news!

I AM OFFICIALLY THE MOST RIDICULOUS BLOG ON THE INTERNET!

I had no idea such surveys were conducted, so this was all news to me! What an austere privilege!  I wonder what the criteria were?  

I got some exciting news from someone recently:

"This is the most ridiculous blog on the site. Quit being a jealous hater and get a life"

I am envious of the guy.  How HE got to be on the committee to elect the most ridiculous blog on the net, I will never know.  Or perhaps he is only in charge of the "jealous hater" contingent?  Oh no!  Wait a sec!  Maybe I am not THE most ridiculous blog, but only the most ridiculous in a single category!  WHAT A BUMMER!  Well, I’ll know better when my certificate arrives.

I do get a certificate for this, right?

In fact, what were the criteria again?

Hopefully the esteemed unnamed-poster will let me know those criteria soon.  After all, he is the lucky delegate who gets to bestow these honors, so I imagine he is deftly informed.  

From all I can tell, the main criteria is that one must not agree with the masses.  This is vital for ridiculousness.  If MOST of the people agree on something, then it is RIDICULOUS to challenge it.  Those few people who do not agree should be left in abject silence without a voice.  Any alternative is, indeed, ridiculous.

Also, I gleen from his note to me that to be considered ridiculous you must NOT challenge thinking.  No no.  Do not do ANYTHING to inspire alternative thought.  It is truly a ridiculous thing to even play devil’s advocate, let alone offer alternative perspectives.  Put that crazy idea away!

Really, what kind of world did I think I was LIVING in?  Putting out alternative ideas.  MADMAN!

No, ridiculous.

Thanks for the honors.  I am sure my readers (both of them) will be tickled with glee.  

Please spread the good news: I am officially ridiculous!

Okay, i keep seeing the term "natty" out there.  

I guess it is a slang abbreviation for the term "natural"?

Wait – when the frick was THIS decided?  When did I become "NATTY"?

Look, I have to BEG a removal of this status!  I AM JUST NOT COOL OR HIP OR SLICK ENOUGH FOR IT!  

I mean, seriously, I am so underqualified to be labelled something as hyper-contempo as "natty".  So to go ahead and refer to myself in a term as cool as that would be sort of hypocritical.  

Youmust understand: I am a bit of a bodybuilding dork freak.  I am HARDLY Hollister-hip enough for a cool SoBeach term like "natty"  It just wouldn’t fit – I would be a FRAUD!  In order to avoid the hypocrisy, my ONLY option would be to go on steroids!  

PLEASE help me stay clean (or rather, stay "natty" if you don’t understand what I mean) by not using this term!  

I mean, I appreciate the original IDEA behind the effort.  Is it not a marketing coup to retrofit the term "natural bodybuilding" in order to make it more appealling to a younger demographic?  Brilliant!  Lord knows that them wacky kids were having a tough enough time understanding other complex words in our society — really HARD words like "vote", "contraceptive" and "Federline" — so it always helps to put an X-box spin on these important issues of the day.  Pure capitalistic genius, right?!  Bravo!

Yet, although a sign of remarkable innovation, in the meantime it leaves us, well, "normal" people out in the cold.  What about those of us who don’t quite sit at the virtual "cool kids table" in the grand cafeteria we call bodybuilding?  What should plain, everyday, non-hip, "normal" bodybuilders be called?  Will I be therefore need to start being called "normy"?  Or "Normy-natty"?  "Normanatty"?  Ooh ooh!  We could maybe make it sort of eurostyled: "norminaté"!

But even then, I look at my ragged tank tops, my beat up wrestling sneakers used for leg-day, and my floppy sweatpants and realize again that if I am not cool enough for "natty", then I could NEVER be not cool enough for norminaté!

To me, this new term "natty" seems questionable, anyway.  Doesn’t "natty" sound suspiciously like "nasty"?  Or like the 80’s retro term for nasty, "nappy"?  I had a hard time being okay with it at first.  I thought I was being insulted!

So, I am left to wonder if maybe it’s in the name of efficiency that the term has arisen.  "Natty" has five letters, while "natural" has an EXHAUSTING-to-type seven.  How much collective time have we as a bodybuilding community saved with the elimination of two letters from our forums?  With the use of the term spreading like wildfire, one can only conclude that the time savings, when accumulated, must be adding a profound amount of liberated time into each natty bodybuilder’s schedule.  (At last!  The "natty" bodybuilder has an expra 18 seconds of training time per day, while the rest of us dinosaur "natural" bodybuilders are robbed of those apparently crucial mass-building moments.)  How much time have I lost – no wait – how much MASS have I lost by opting to speak the ENGLISH LANGUAGE all these years?  Mindboggling and terrifying to think I could be another 20 lbs. heavier if only my linguistics were more youth market oriented!

Perhaps I have this all wrong, but nonetheless I am still very concerned.  I don’t know when the marketing meeting was held, and I wish I could have attended.  I had no idea that the drop in sales surrounding the word "natural" compelled them to offer this slick upgrade.  In that same vein, have we registered it — to protect it from the marketing schemes of steroid users?  (Or are they just called "sterry" now?)  Shouldn’t natty be written: "natty®"?  Just don’t want the juice™ lawyers coming down on us for infringement.

As a matter of fact – wait – maybe I am WAY out of it.  Have we already found a new, hot name for  bodybuilding ITSELF?  I mean, I already look like a total dork every time I patiently take away the t-y and add the u-r-a-l.  But even if I’m a nerd for not yet adopting "natty", I don’t want to next become a total relic!  What is the term for bodybuilding now, in the age of the "natty" athlete (or is it just "nathlete")?  Bodybuildy?  Beedy-buildy?  B-to-the-B-ding?!  PLEASE HELP ME!  I don’t want to excluded from bobudig’s great linguistic shift!

All I ask is that, from here on out, please keep me posted.  I know I probably look like a REAL weener, but my only excuse for not being as cool as the rest of you is that — forgive me — I have been focusing on my bodybuilding itself, rather than on how cool I SPEAK about my bodybuilding.  I know, I know: my bad.  Perhaps I should spend less time worrying about my exercise and eating and put more time into worrying about how I MARKET my exercise and eating.  Sadly, I have no other defense.  

And in all likelihood I will miss any further changes because I am FOOLISHLY focusing on the actual work and progress of my natural bodybuilding.

Woops!  I meant natty bobing.