TheRassss’s BodyBlog

I am lost, I look around this site and read the posts, where people talk about drinking, loan sharks after them, masturbation, degrading women, then I look at pictures of women with there legs spread in the hay, see through panties, where is the dignity, respect for you body.  

Are people that desperate for attention, I mean the best is 2,467 friends; how many of these people even know the names of 50-100 of those friends, hows there progress going, what can you tell me about them?  Yea Yea, what-ever you want to tell yourself the reason is.    If your selling something you would want 1,000,000 friends but what the hell are you selling, nothing what is the point other then to stroke ones ego.  I keep thinking I’m on My Space, with all this little kiddy stuff.  What is it about having all these friends, is it an ego thing? Do you need big numbers to make you feel good about yourself, it’s not like the people who you add mean anything to you, I’ll bet anything that 70% of the members didn’t even visit the site of 80% of the friends they added,  I could guarantee if they did visit the site it was only once at the time they agreed.  

I just read a blog and it was praising an icon of the sport while disrespecting the icons in the making, claiming that the body builders of today have distorted the vision of the past and made it ugly and disproportionate.  They said the the body building champions of today are too big and have no symmetry. Did I really read that?  The best is people where agreeing with it, HAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAH I have to laugh at the ignorance.  But then again I see it everywhere, I am a very well educated person and you know what; because of my piercing, body configuration, cloths, hair, in my field the peers think I am a dumbbell while the consumer’s I serve praise me because I look like them but can logically out talk the nerds across the table trying those I serve down, I won’t allow it.   You know what; the MAN has a sure fire system, an economic prison.  LOOK AT IT AROUND YOU, and lack of education and willingness to change and to be more then those before us is exactly what the MAN wants, it is what keeps us a people as dumbbells.    

It reminds me of a few things; first is how people need to cling on to the past and put down the things they can’t understand or can’t compete with.  Of course people would aspire to Frank Zane his physic is much easier to obtain in this day and age, but to be as big as,Ronnie, Cutler, Trey Brewer or any of those guys is a feat beyond comprehension, talk about educated and determined individuals.

To say something like that just shows a lack of education, of vision, Joe Wielder has been preaching change for 60 years begging society to embrace it, to reach even further as Jay and Trey have done and are doing to continue to take this sport to the next level.  

If you think for a second that Frank Zane, Arnold or any of the past icons would have been any different if they had the knowledge, technology, and supplementation that could get them to where the body builders of today are in their time that they wouldn’t have done the same exact things and pushed themselves to be as huge as possible; then you are truly delusional.

This sport is more then just pushing weight, Arnold is not the governor of the 5th largest economy in the world because he is some dumbbell body builder.  He not only built his body he built his mind, he had dignity, class and respect, as have and do all the champions in this sport.  

I read an article in the NY Times that stated the education gap between the rich and poor is getting wider, that less people are reaching for a higher education.  The average reading level in my County of 50,000 people is 5th grade, 90% of these people are also unhealthy, I wonder if there is any correlation with these two facts.  It’s funny because it’s easy to see the posers and pros on this site and just because you look fairly good doesn’t mean much because bodybuilding can only take you so far, eventually you have to strengthen you brain, embrace change, grow open your eyes and your mind to what could be if you dream and put in the work.  

You know what my problem is?   I don’t know that I have patience, I think that I want what I want when I want it.  When I was young as stated before, if I wasn’t an instant pro I moved on.  I can feel that sneaking in with my current eating plan, its only been three weeks and I have lost 7lbs but my body fat percentage seems to hoover, I’m not happy, I’m not chiseled, my arms are taking too long to grow. I am only supposed to lose body fat not weight, what’s the problem?

I find it amusing how after all these years for brief moments I revert to that sick thinking that certain things should happen regardless, they should go my way with out me directing them.   The best part is, I know that all my accomplishments in life took time and effort to achieve.  I didn’t get my masters a week after I entered undergraduate school it actually took me longer then it should have because I was goofing off partying like a moron and not going all out after it like I should have.   The story of my past life, when it came to partying I was balls to the bar stool, pounding the alcohol and other substances like a real man, so I thought at the time; now I know what a loser I was.

I have been lifting weights for 9 years now and look what I have to show for it, who should I be mad at for not being where I want to be?  Obviously, I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for my self like a little baby (poor me) and be patient and diligent doing whatever I need to to reach my goal, nothing can stop me from getting where I want to be 100 years old and ripped.

If I would have done what I have always known needed to be done I would have my chiseled stomach and 19" arms.  But, I didn’t so, I need to move on get it together and do what I need to do, stop lying to myself and disillusioning myself with false reference points.  I have a lot of fat to lose which means I am going to lose weight, that’s a fact.  I am building muscle mass and that’s also a fact so, what is my problem?  The problem is in my head, "all the time it was me, me against me against me; " (Project 86, 2002)  

Society has ingrained in me that life is easy and there is a pill to make me happy, a drink to make me large, a diet to make me lovable, hey there is a cure for everything and all need is enough money to buy it.  The best part is; my family has fought this belief, teaching me since I was a wee lad that anything worth having, you earned with blood, guts, sweat and tears.   I respect nothing that is handed to me, if I didn’t earn it, then I don’t want it.  The bottom line is I will have my 19" arms and chiseled stomach this summer and all of you will see it and all of you will know the work put in to get it.

The saying goes you are right where you are supposed to be in relation to the choices you have made up to this point; if you want to be somewhere different in the future then you will need to make the choices needed to get you there.  The choices are being made; finally, I have found the Patience my father modeled for me my entire life, Thanks Dad,  sorry I didn’t listen sooner    I love you.

Three weeks ago I decided it is time to do put my knowledge to work once and for all get real with this quest.  There is no grey in bodybuilding it is black and white and I want to be one solid color.

My new diet is calorie oriented consisting of 2652 on off days which is 306 grams of protein and then the fat and carbs are not tracked but are well balanced.

On work out days I lift 10 sets 3 reps max weight 8-10 exercises for two body parts with 20 second rest between sets on chest and back day I super-set, Arms is Bis. Tri’s and Forearms so that is 12 exercises this routing takes 2.5-3 hours with no goofing off.  

On workout days I add 1270 calories and 130+ grams of protein.

This is the meal and sup plan exactly as written in the book.

I try to drink 10oz of water with each sup or food intake getting no less then 128oz each day

Before I wake 5g Arginine

When I wake 48g Whey, 20oz gatorade, 1.5g L-Carnitine 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

Meal 1= 4 slice Canadian bacon 7 eggs 3 with yokes I eat half of this 30 minutes after I wake with a multi vitamin w/ minerals, calcium and Chlondriotine  Glucosamine and the other half an hour later portion split varies.

Meal 2=  one serving of mixed beans high protein/fiber about 2 hours after last meal

Meal 3= Chicken breast 6-8oz on a wheat wrap with a serving of diced tomato, onion & peppers; tablespoons of Flax seed, balsamic vinegar, sesame seed and 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

Meal 4= one serving of raw spinach

on work out days 1 hour prior to start 5g L-Arginine and 200mg caffeine

30 minute later 24g Whey 5g creatine 1.5g L-Carnitine and 55g of whole grain cereal with skim milk

Post work out 48g Whey 48g Casein 5g  Creatine, 1.5g L-Carnitine 32oz Gatorade and 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

Meal 5=10oz Atlantic Salmon with a steamed veggie and sweet potato

meal 6= serving of unsalted shelled peanuts

1.5 hours later 9g of L-arginine, 3g Melatonin  and ZMA pill

1 hour later at bed time 24g of Casein 2 servings low fat cottage cheese and 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

On off days I don’t take the pre and post sups and thats my diet started it diligently 3 weeks back prior to that I did sups for 3 months but didn’t track calories and that wasn’t working.  

Yesterday while working out I was thinking about my life as an alcoholic and the influential people I have met throughout.  I thought back to my years framing homes specifically my time in the union.  I realized that I have not met many people who take pride in themselves or the things they do.  Unfortunately, I know I will never totally escape people of this nature, since there are some in my family, work and all walks of life.  

There are people I need to thank like my boss and his father whom I worked for 10 of the 16 years, I framed homes.  These men were so anal in regard to the quality and precision of every aspect of the homes I built with them there was no way I wouldn’t be affected.  They also loved their booze and promoted it especially in opposition to marijuana (influence in my progression with alcohol mostly smoked prior to meeting them).  Neither of these men would settle for anything less then perfection from their workers regarding the homes we built and their reputation was of the utmost importance (they were always hard on me).  

I need to thank my parents despite all their flaws they taught me respect, patience and the most import thing in my life; that I am only as good as my world.   Regardless of anything I have, money, degrees, if people can’t count on me and believe me when I tell them something, then what good am I.  How else could I earn their respect?  What type of influence would I have?  How would I build a positive reputation?   Even when I used drugs/alcohol my word was always important, I never lied about my use and I tried to be as honest as possible with everything else although while high this proved difficult.  

I learned some valuable lessons each time I left those employers to work for other framers; in a few of those incidents I was unable to work with some crews because none of the workers took pride in the job they did.  I learned that there were a lot of poorly built homes out there and that people buying them had no clue.  There was a time I actually left a site due to the atrocity being committed it was so bad I wanted to leave a letter in the homeowners mailbox letting them know what was going on (regret) I didn’t because these where guys I grew up with.  When I reflect back on the older homes I worked on; every-time we took one apart to do an addition we would find some thing that just wasn’t right in relation to it being level, square or secure.  Yet these homes somehow survived for years prior to us and although we weren’t paid to fix it, we always tried as best we could to secure it and make sure our work was done well.  

While in the NYC Brotherhood of Carpenters local 902 the forman (a Norwegian) loved me (called me, half breed) and would have me lead the others in the areas that meant the most.  We built a lot of low income housing projects in poor sections of Brooklyn, Bronx, and Queens, I remember my union brothers (95% who were drunk on a daily basis) would screw things up and just leave it, laughing.  I would be so disheartened stating people are going to live in these homes,  asking them if they took any pride in their work; maybe 2% did or cared what I was talking about.  All of these experiences taught me and I am thankful that I always took pride in my work, that I learned regardless of what others choose to do; I would always do the best job I could.   It has taken me time to relate this consciously to other aspects of my life though the seed of pride was planted for certain in my life and was growing (slowly).

Luckily for me, unknowingly this filtered into my recovery, at the very start I put everything I had into this aspect of my life.   This was and still is the most important aspect of my life, without it, there is nothing.  This is the reason for many of the accomplishments in my life.  It is obvious that for me, without determination a successful/fulfilling life in recovery would have been impossible to obtain.  This is something that is proven to me daily watching and working with others in recovery and my profession.  I am fortunate this filtered into my academics as well; although I wasn’t a 4.0 student, my 3.5  ( despite using some of that time) was instrumental in my acceptance to graduate school and will also help me with obtaining my doctorate.    

I mention all over my site that I want to bring it all together in my life, realizing now that by taking more pride in my self; the discipline comes so much easier.  For years I studied the literature took supplements and worked out religiously but never held firm to my diet always slacking here and there with sweets and empty carbs.  This is in-spite of one fact, I always knew;  half measures avail us nothing,  I guess I thought 3/4 measures would;  that I could meet my goals despite cutting corners (lol).  

Everyone successful I know in any aspect of life gives 100% and takes pride in their work; all the great people in history took pride in what they did, were they perfect; no but they worked hard.  My limitations regarding pride, have held me back in life.  In writing this, I realize that my concept of pride was limited, that the level of pride I have in each thing I do will be instrumental in its outcome (that’s a fact).  I was actually told by an AA member the other day that I am too passionate about the program and it’s ability to help people recover that I am to forceful and should be easier on people (enablers feed dependance). This is a person who is over weight, smokes and has other health problems.  I didn’t argue, instead I told him that if he doesn’t agree with the path I follow then he should just ignore me that I see no need for a discussion (especially with someone who is so unmotivated).  This guy shares how his doctor told him his smoking is enhancing his health issues yet he still smokes, a person who’s organs had to begin failing for him to quit (sad).  On his behalf he does have seven years clean he is just so bitter.  

It’s interactions like this that show me how valuable taking pride in everything I do is how being optimistic is so important (pessimism is worthless).   I couldn’t see pessimism being a part of this site since in order to be physically fit you would have to be completely dedicated and optimistic.   I also know their is no possible way such dedication wouldn’t filter in to everything we do.

The reason I do not debate my beliefs with people is it doesn’t help; in order to challenge ones beliefs you first must develop trust/rapport.  I am confident that I am doing what’s best for me and by doing this I am  positioning myself to empower others through modeling.  For those who are threatened by my desire to succeed; hopefully they’ll see their own unwillingness to fight is the true problem not me, that I just represent those things they’re not doing. In recovery I attend meetings so someone is there for the person who comes in and wants it bad, as bad as I did and is willing to do whatever it takes to succeed, as I was.  I think someone there needs to push people to stand up, take responsibility for their life and do the work needed to recover (take pride in yourself).  During my 9 years clean there has been maybe 2 people who have had the desire to succeed no mater what (their lives are blooming).

This also holds true in my work as a Medicaid Service Coordinator few of the people I work with are willing to push, the majority of work I do is helping them overcome the stigma that they can’t.  There are some of these people and their families who do show a strong desire to overcome and with them my job is a blessing.  The main goal in my job is to remain separate and non-judgmental to focus on providing information/empowerment, the rest is up to them.  I can only share what I know and lead by example if someone wants to follow, awesome if not there is nothing more I can do.   I have a lot of compassion/pride for the profession of social worker and want to be absolutely certain I am always a strong positive representative of my discipline.

Despite my strong belief in what I am doing and the pride I have in myself and my path (Gods Path for me) I need to be around positive motivated people.  Those like me who look to overcome adversity and will do whatever it takes to succeed and reach their goals in some aspect of my life.

This is why I believe God showed me this site at this point in my life, I am not surprised I haven’t picked up on it sooner despite subscribing to MF for years now.  Currently I have been working to put more influential people in my life and been backing away from those who lack gratitude and are full of self-pity, (unless they ask for help, are willing to do some work or are on my case load) how could anyone in that state of mind succeed?  It is this mentality that I work to eliminate in as many people as I can, it is why I became a social worker.   I quit using and got help because I knew I couldn’t help anyone if I couldn’t help my self and that I also needed help.  I want to confront this mentality in a positive manor leading by example and backing everything I say with personal action (how can I say something to you if I’m not doing it).
  
The thing is in order to actually help others, I have to take care of myself,  take pride in my development, continuing to strengthen my mind body and spirit that is Gods path for me. It is through my strength others shall also have strength.  Through the strength of a higher power and the strength of those placed in my life as inspirations, I will gain strength and with this there is no way I can fail.  My faith in this point of view and the pride I have living this way of life; I am ensured success in all my endeavors.

For the past 3 month I have been busting butt; my routine has been 10 minutes cardio at 80% of max heart rate before and after my chest and back day, on the following day 40 minutes cardio at that rate, next day shoulders and traps with 10 minute cardio pre and post, next day 40 minute cardio, next day biceps, triceps and forearms also 10 minute cardio pre and post.  If at the end of this rotation I feel real tired I rest for a day or two other wise I would start the rotation over the following day.  Oh, and prior to post cardio on weight days I would do 2 stomach exercises 4 sets.  

During the past 5 days I have eliminated the 40 minute cardio day because two of those five days I was out doing heavy yard work (since I am a desk man and old now, an 8 hour physical day wipes me out so, I considered that my cardio); I also rested one of those five days.  I have also been considering talking to my doctor because for the past 7 weeks I have had a sharp pain in my lower back and upper shoulder on the opposite side.  Sometimes I struggle to bend but when I am in the gym, I just push right through, I was hopping to just work it away.  The yard work really made the back pain come to life but with all my years building homes where the reality was; if you don’t work you don’t get paid.   When you got hurt you had to just keep going if you wanted to make your bills; no time for crying there.  With this mentality in the back of my head and knowing that’s why I wanted out of that business adding college to the chaos figuring might as well totally suffer now with the hope it will get better; and it has.  The problem is, now I don’t know when I am being a baby or am I using my caveman philosophies, have I become less of a man now that I am an office worker or a smarter man?  

My uncle told me when I started with him; "as a teen I thought I was invincible and would push hard" he said this was wrong because he injured his shoulder and still has problems with it 20 years later.  I was also always told to work smarter not harder and this was important building homes because you could get seriously injured there.  The thing is this has been difficult for me to balance in body building because I need to push to gain.  My uncle also stated that if your hurt, you can’t lift, how does this help you?  I felt this first hand when I crashed my Buell ridding wheelies and broke my clavicle.   It was 5 months before I was able to get back in the gym (the worst injury I ever had) and I had lost a lot of my strength.  I do not want to be out again and this is why this back pain bothers me, I also read that for exercises that stress the spine a weight belt is beneficial and wonder if this is what happen to my back even though it’s off to the side of my spine.  It is hard to tell if it is a nerve or a muscle pain nor am I sure what to do about it.  Bottom line is, I need to keep training with no lapses, I need to learn which pain needs quick outside attention to remedy and which can be ignored because it will work itself out.  

Yesterday, I got back to my leg workout, I have decided that I will not do the 40 minute cardio regularly plus, I hate running/jogging in any manor, I do it because everywhere I read says it’s good (uncle Bob never does cardio and he’s huge).  I want to get my cardio during my weight training (like Bob says) and I want to work legs.  When I  do all this cardio it’s hard to do legs and I don’t want to over train them (my legs always hurt and are tight,).  I have decided to continue the pre and post cardio to warm up but will drop it down to 65% of my max something mentioned on this site as best practice and then maybe do no less then 20-min here and there on rest days; if I am in the mood.  

This is the first time in weeks I did a full leg routine (wow) am I hurting and cramping.  I can’t even bend without wincing, but I love this pain I know it’s good, I also know this leg pain is not the same as the back pain.  By writing this I’ve decided I am going to keep pushing and hope for the best until I talk with my doctor and then a P/T.  Prior to writing this and reading articles on this site last night I set on starting a one day lifting and one day off regiment and make it a life routine.  Then last night I read that for strength and size I should go heavy 10 sets 3 reps, I like this idea, but was thinking if I do chest and back 5 exercises each at this rate; I’d be in the gym a long time (good thing it’s at home).  Then I have shoulder/Trap day and Biceps, Triceps and Forearm day should I break this down into 6 days and just rest every 3rd day?  Obviously, I can complicate the hell out of the pain thing, finding routine and supplementation (we won’t go there today).  There is just so much different information; what is right for me?  (Whining?)  I just need to pick something and stick with it.  

As I write this I definitely think I am whining about the back, I’m on course with the doctor; it didn’t work itself out, I gave it 6 weeks and it has yet been enough to stop my workouts so, I keep working out and talk to the doctor; simple.  I am going to break down my body parts into six days and incorporate the 10 set 3 rep heavy weight into all my exercises doing Forearms with traps, keeping Biceps and Triceps together and giving chest, back, shoulders and legs their own days.  I will rest every fourth day of the rotation continuing with the pre and post cardio at 65% max heart rate and do one stomach exercise just before the post cardio every session.

I totally enjoy this blog concept writing this has truly helped me; throwing it out there in the mix keeps me real because now people know what’s going on and if I am truly a man of my word they’ll see the results.  I do not want to be a whiner and need to work these thing out,  because I also don’t want to injure myself and be out of the game for any amount of time.  I do this to enhance my life not to put it on hold.  As I reflect on this I know people other then my uncle who are younger then me and train like crazy for Ironman competitions to the point of needing a replaced knee at 26; for what?  What is gained in working so hard for something that causes permeant damage?  Is a fake body part (other then boobs) better then the original?  Some of my friends would work so hard to be the strongest they had torn muscles, huge scars and now have to compensate for it.   The Kurt Angle article is a good example in regard to his neck injury.  I am sure; I don’t want to live like that, I remember being drunk getting hurt real bad and refusing to get help hanging out bleeding profusely or with broken bones.  Working with infected cuts oozing puss and having co-workers try to squeeze the puss out because I couldn’t get a good grab, we would all laugh at how much came out and the pain on my face as they squeezed it, yelling be a man.

I am eager to find a balance where I can appropriately push my body without being a neanderthal and destroy it, in what I see as meaningless quests.  At least Kurt gets paid a lot of money as a result of his injury the ironman guys reward is accomplishment;  from my view a great expense for such a small reward.  As I got older building homes I realized the money I was making wasn’t worth the damage to it was causing my body (I was so tan people thought I was black).  Eventually, I didn’t let things get infected or wait to seek medical help.  I am worried I am turning into a wimp, I need to push myself in a beneficial way, learning where that is for me is knowing when it’s legitimate and when I am whining.  I also do not want to judge people if they want to push themselves to the brink that’s there gig. thinking of those runners who died this year in the chicago marathon, how did that work out for them and their families.  That was always in my mind later on while I was framing homes I didn’t want it to end there, doing that.  I guess those runners died doing what they love, that’s what I say about my bike but I take safety courses, read and keep the bike in top running condition, who knows; obviously not me.

One of the most difficult things for me to learn in life has always been patience (I’m sure my substance use played a role).   For some reason; I used to think that things should just be right there for me.  When I was a child and tried various sports if I wasn’t good right out of the box, I would quit, I would never practice, work at it never gave it a second glance; if I wasn’t good first  try then I was done (wish I wasn’t good at using).

   Maybe things would have been different for me if someone explained that anything worth having, requires effort and even those who may be naturals still need to work at their kraft if they want to improve. Since no one was there to provide me with this valuable intel I make certain that every chance I get, I provide it.  Later  in life I learned I actually have some athletic attributes (of course this came in sobriety), turns out that if I had just give myself a chance (put in a little effort), I may have surprised myself.  

     Right now in my life this lesson has never been more important to adhere to especially if I am truly commitment to improving my physical presence.  I love this site and as I look at all the members and their physical presence, I am eager to remain patient and stick to my guns.  I was talking to a good friend in sobriety today and they brought up patience and how they notice my struggle.  We talked about how it is not as prevalent as before nor dose it affect as many areas though it is still present.  I have mentioned in previous blogs my desire to take control of my life by remaining firm in the presence of my challenges.  The most important thing for me to focus on is the fact that the less focused and diligent I am in my endeavors what ever they may be; the longer it takes for them to come to fruition and the greater the chance I have of becoming disenchanted and letting those obtainable goals slip through my grasp.

I know that I am not going to meet my goal in a week, so I will need to remain focused and patient and that is true for all my present goals and those in my future.  This is also one aspect I know will just become easier with dedication and as with everything else at some point will just be the way it is.

It is amusing to me that in order or me to commit to something I have to reach some sort of bottom or be fed up to the point that I can’t take it anymore.  It seems that instead of just doing what needs to be done from the start, I just talk about what I want to do, but never actually do it.  Of course this must be taken in context since despite my self induced hardships I still managed to learn the trade of carpentry so, I can build castles with some assistance.  I also made the Dean’s list numerous times as an undergraduate and received an Advanced Standing placement for my Master’s; but why is it sporadic and not consistent?  

     What I would like to do, is figure out why it takes me so long to actually commit to positive life fulfilling endeavors.  I framed homes for 16 years and hated it for the majority of that time, I would literally wish the week and days away because I didn’t want to be there.  Then once in college it took me six years to make that my absolute goal after obtaining an A.A. degree.  Of course due to dropping out in the sixth grade I had to pass 3 semesters of non matriculated classes to prove I was able to actually capable of succeeding in a matriculated class.   Although this was a very humbling experience, I enjoyed the challenge, I’m sure the substance abuse was a major part of the problem, which leads back to the question.  I always knew my use was a problem, but for some reason just never had the willingness to make the necessary changes.  

   I am to old to be wasting time, I need to incorporate this ability to make drastic changes immediately when required, no more dilly dallying.  I am hopeful i will be able to have two children in the very near future.  I want to show them not tell them, the way I learned; by seeing people do what they were saying.   The most important thing in the world to me is my word and if I say something you can rest assure I’ll be doing it.   I also feel the ability to be humble when helping others is extremely important; to give without the need for praise or reward.  I would like to commit on the spot from now on, if I learn something is going to help me and those around me have a better life.

     I want to be right on top of it, exploring and developing the methods to bring whatever it is to fruition.  Life is to short and I have wasted enough time goofing off and hesitating to do what needs to be done.  My body is my temple and I need to be committed to its maintenance and development.  I don’t know how long I’ll be here but from this point on, I want to make every moment count; to that I am committed.  

    The greatest high in the world for me is the rep and the change created with it.  All I want to do is more reps, but there is more to the rep then the rep itself.   Commitment means I fulfill all aspects of the rep, through proper rest and diet to ensure every rep meets its maximum potential.  Why in the world have I settled for anything else prior to this moment is beyond me, but I now know it all stemmed from my lack of commitment.

I have been reading some of our fellow members post mostly those of us who are literally chiseled humans.  It is obvious to me that to begin such an endeavor takes the utmost determination.  Being a male when I see the women on this site especially Chicken Tuna (who in my opinion is a goddess) and I read the information on her website I wish I had someone like that in my life to travel the path with.  In relation to being clean and sober I am on a mission with absolutely no variations from this path at all, there isn’t room for even a marginal deviation.  The thing is in this aspect of my life I have absolutely no desire to deviate from the path at all (it is clear cut).  I hear Chicken tuna when she says she would like to eat junk but chooses not to the thing is I don’t want to use at all.  My point is; I have the ability to make the necessary changes in my life without hesitation, remorse, or desire for the poisons distributed by our society.  My problem is I also need my partner to be on my path without always having to fight about it.  The fact is if she won’t put it together I will need to separate in order to follow my path and I am saddened that most of my journeys require me to spend a considerable amount of time alone to reach my goals.  As with early recovery I had to separate myself from all family and friends and surround myself with those people who had exactly what I wanted and listen to everything they told me to do; trusting in them and following without question or hesitation.  I would assume that there are those out there that can live in the chaos and remain diligent from the start I know that I have difficulty performing in this manor.  It is a fact that I will apply the determination that I had to get sober to this endeavor and once I do then its over; it appears I just need to be fed up enough to say f#*k everything and care only about me.  Either you want it or you don’t; its your choice but I choose to do what ever it takes to reach my goal and sacrifice all during the journey.

One thing I have yet to overcome at my current place of employment is that although some of the women walk every day for lunch, they are still not in good shape (15% are close to their appropriate body weight with little or no muscle).  There are a few at my job in really bad shape such as diabetes or other serious issues; yet they eat take out everyday, commenting how amazing the medical technology of the day is.  Upon hearing this I made a comment, stating “isn’t it great we can poison ourselves and the doctors fix us”.  I also thought, wow; I should thank all the unhealthy people for pushing the medical field continuously to increase its knowledge base to save them, the knowledge gained can only help me in my quest to be physically fit.

I am alone at my job regarding my quest to be physically fit and am always avoiding the attempts to be drug down; the others can feel better about their discrepancies.   I represent all they are doing wrong; if they can corrupt me, then their lack of diligence isn’t as bad, look, Dave can’t do it either.  

They have a birthday club, which I opted out of last year and was quietly ridiculed for being ant-social. In this club each worker picks another and buys them a cake for their birthday, which is eaten first thing in the morning.  I have continually pointed out the irony in this celebration method to no avail.  There is also all the junk food brought in that they don’t want to eat at home. Sometimes, I just throw the stuff in the garbage and have to apologize to the person who brought it, with my apology; I always note how good it felt to do it.  Then there is the holiday parties which I do not attend due to poor eating and drinking when not at the job site and then those where they all bring in a unhealthy dish for the pot luck.  There is also the snack fund where they sell junk food to make money for a Christmas party.

When I framed house and worked in the construction field where you remained on the site all day; if you didn’t bring food you didn’t eat.  That is the only thing I miss about construction, I always ate well, it is no wonder I was 174lbs at 5-6% body fat then.  It almost seems that being physically fit and eating right is taboo.  Where I live there are very few people who are fit or strive to be healthy.  It is funny because they always talk about how overweight people are treated poorly, I don’t feel healthy people are treated much different.  The difference is that I don’t care what others think you don’t like me, don’t approve of my views or feel I am egotistic, whatever you think about me I don’t care.  I think this is what causes most of the tension toward me at work for others.  

I would like to believe that I am ok with all of this but the fact is, if I am writing this then I must not be.  For the past two weeks I have been extremely diligent with my diet not allowing myself to be distracted by all the crap and with the holidays coming, I am going to be viewed as the grinch as always.  Even if I attend the functions and try to pick at only the meats or healthy foods or don’t eat anything, there’s the little comment.  I can’t wait to be ripped so when something is said, I’ll just lift my shirt and say if you want this, you don’t eat that.   The bottom line is I won’t say anything, it’s better that way, either way, I can’t win but at least the latter means, I won’t be as pampas.  

My dream is to be around people who live clean and healthy, I know there out there I just haven’t found them yet.  We are who we hangout with, when I used; I stayed with the users.   When those who didn’t use crossed my path, as they often did, I wouldn’t follow.  This is why I understand why the people I work with are the way they are, I was the same way when I used shunning anyone who did right, so I could enjoy justify being screwed up.  I am learning to be on my path while in the midst of those who are not and continuing my quest without judging.  At least I don’t have to be around users also. Being healthy and educated doesn’t make me better then anyone it just means I am willing to work harder.  

Working in the field of Social Work and following the principle of always looking to empower others has shown me how some just become complacent and have no desire to change or have anything more then what is obtained in an effortless manor.  I want to show people rather then tell them, I want to be able to say something to help someone and be doing it myself.  I think once I meet my fitness goal it will be easier at work to not partake in the unhealthy festivities without looks since it will be obvious why.  It would be nice as with drugs and alcohol I good just be abstinent but I have to eat and there eating disorders are much more varied and prevalent as is a the lack of physical activities. We are such a pampered society, why walk or use the stairs.    

I so enjoyed writing this since it helps me clarify my purpose and inspires me to continue to grow mentally, physically and spiritually.  I want to be more; humble and never think I am better then anyone because I do something they do not.  I want to be able to be judged by others and not do the same, I know I do this but it must always be watched because my arrogance is like a wild animal and I must keep it caged with my other demons always checking the cages to ensure they have not escaped and any plans or attempts are foiled.  I would like to evolve as far as possible during this life and always be and do good things in every aspect.    I know doing these things doesn’t guarantee longevity or ensure I will never obtain a terminal illness, it does minimize the possibilities and ensure everyday I have, I will be at my best and have the best chances to succeed in anything I do.

I wish I could sleep better; despite my C-PAP machine and the melitonine, I still don’t feel rested during the day.  I have tried all the sleep medications and none work plus they all have too many negative side effects (they’ve all been flushed).  My uncle states that weight training minimizes your need/ability to sleep.   For the past three years I have been working to figure this out, because I am so close to being fit the doctors didn’t think I qualified for a sleep study despite my continued complaints.  I continued to push them and myself, despite being tired and there attepts with alternative measures.  

  I had and have always wondered, am I balancing this aspect appropriatly.  My uncle is old school, if Arnold doesn’t approve, he don’t, he is in tremendous shape and deserves my respect.   In light of his credentials I question his answer;  I’m sure his opinion holds some weight but I know there is more to it.  My primary physician says "just keep pushing, its ok" he wants more cardio, the cardioligist for my C-PAP says if I continue I won’t need the machine.  Despite all the books I have read on sleep I remain uncertian.  Maybe all the foolishness of my past has screwed up my circadian clock or I truly don’t need a lot of sleep and am over sleeping.  I have yet to have a day where I am not begging for naps or had to caffine out to get in the gym and have the power to push my max weights.  Some days, I am just so weak, I am not be able to lift at my max, I lift what ever I can and max out with that weight.  I will just keep plugging away at this issue, I am bound to find some type of balance maybe naps are the answer luckily my job would permit this.  Maybe I am over anylizing and all I have mentioned is just how it is, whether it is or isn’t I will continue to do what ever is needed to improve my mind body and spirit.          Headed to the library to get some more ammo (Ice-T O.G. 2000)