TheRassss’s BodyBlog

I haven’t written a post in a while, I like to think that I have it together and all though I do in many ways, I know there is so much more I can do to improve.  Despite the fact that I am a late starter and a slow gainer, it’s the desire to push through and watch as things unfold and my body develop that draws me into the gym every single day.  For the longest time since I started 11 years ago, all I did was hit the gym every other day like clock work, I’d take sups on those days but never really follow through on any other aspect of training other then the lifting.  In the 10 months, I have really buckled down and put all the pieces together, it seems that after finally just leaving my job 17 months ago, my life is finally starting to come together.  Most people think I am crazy to have resign from a position in this community such as mine especially with no options to replace it’s status or income.  As I look back at it, it was the best thing I could have done, I was losing my dignity and self respect.  It isn’t my profession it’s the companies outright disregard of it’s own mission statement, how my peers and superiors took no pride in themselves or their work; I will not conform to this manner of living, yet in many ways I was, it was trickling in eating at any progress I made peers asking me all the time to have cake, have some drinks I literally after pleasantly declining over and over again at the end send yes took the piece of cake and threw it in the trash (it was so great, but not well received).  For seven years while there I was half measuring it everywhere else in my life because 8 hours a day was spent somewhere I didn’t want to be with people who didn’t care about there health or the health of others, just so I could collect a healthy pay-check and benefits.  
    I love my profession and I love fitness and body-building and if I am going to work it needs to involve both of those things or it just won’t work and there can and will be no compromise.  I would rather be poor and in the gym then have a job and not in the gym or half in the gym.  I understand that in today’s world with travel to and from work and all the other stuff that goes on it’s hard to have a life and seriously commit to the gym and any other discipline.  In my profession I need to read and study and I just will not sacrifice my time in the gym or time with my wife or my time reading about the profession I love for some a pay-check.   I am writing this because I need to figure out how to make money and do all the things I love without having to short change any of the priorities.   I have no problem with working and doing all those other things in fact not working is eating at me because I am a doer.  I know this to shall pass and before I know it I will be back to work the thing is for once in my life I want to look forward to work, I want to be happy when I pull up to the work place not dreading it from the time I go to bed to the moment I pull in the parking lot watching the clock the entire time I’m there just waiting to get home.  Those feelings just ruin every other good thing in my life, it’s why I used to smoke weed and drink to feel better about having to go to school, my entire life I have just wanted to do my own thing, I can’t conform, I’m not a worker bee although I am a worker.  Am I the only one who feels this way?  Thank God for the steel plates, bars and pulleys and educational literature or I would be lost…

One thing about living in the boonies is that there isn’t a lot of people (those I trust) and not a lot of people into being fit (though I don’t look as hard a I could; time is a commodity).  It’s much nicer to just have people (which I do) and reach out to them.  Bottom line; I gave my uncle a call the other day to talk; yea I e-mail and stuff but a call is better.  We got talking about the pic’s and videos I send taunting and joking (since he has shown me the way), but being apart so long our bond was weak and he felt he couldn’t provide me with constructive criticism regarding my progress.  I must say I was hurt, because his opinion and knowledge is what brought me this far and can only bring me further.  Point is; I need that feedback and the outside assistance because no matter how much I read and study without actual discussions with trusted others in the program there just words. I actually thought my shoulders looked good and I was working them hard, I dedicated a day 5 exercises with 4 Trap exercises 36 sets.  After talking with my uncle it appears this was not only affecting my shoulder growth but my entire body growth.  He stated that my chest, back,  legs, midsection and arms have all improved (though not as I would prefer) and he was firm about that and explained his reasoning and how the shoulders effect the look of those other muscles.  As I listened and looked at myself in the mirror, I could see exactly what he was saying.  It was as if a whole new world view was being presented and so many things started to fit into place.  

Another thing discussed was the amount of work I put in and in my view lack of suitable results (he disagreed their) turns out by having a Shoulder/Trap day my workout cycle was too long; I was doing Chest/Back day -Rest -Shoulders/Traps- Rest- Legs/Calves-Rest-Bi’s/Tri’s/ and Forearms-Rest and repeat.  After discussing how this work out cycle was to long for growth, that is instead a maintenance routine (which, I should have known) it is no wonder I wasn’t seeing the results I thought iI should have.  After all I had read the one day rest my diligence in the gym it makes perfect sense.  The good thing about this is despite being on a maintenance routine for the past two years according to my uncle other then my shoulders my entire body had improved considerably and from where I was when I started that’s true.  Knowledge is power and having this information has just opened up a whole new area for progress and that is exactly what will occur.

So, for six weeks I will not touch shoulders at all and I may be seeing things but it’s been two cycles and they look bigger to me without hitting them; just providing rest for them to recover (shoulders/traps are used in all upper body sets so, they get hit just not directly). I will reintroduce them to my schedule on arms day after the 6 week cycle and a discussion and evaluation of pics by my uncle.  Currently I am doing Chest/Back-Rest-Bi’s/Tri’s & Forearms-Rest-Legs/Calves-Rest and repeat.  On my rest days as often as possible I run on the elliptical 30 minutes first thing in the morning.  I also do one or two stomach exercises total 4-8 sets after every workout.  Regarding diet; I follow the atkins plan, I have followed every diet on this sit and in Muscle fitness mag- to burn fat and add muscle and despite my maintenance routine while on the diets; I lost no fat and gained no muscle from what I see so’ I am done with the diet plans-that includes supplement plans for awhile.  Right now; all I take is whey, vitamins, glutamine, BCAA’s and Ecdy-sterone.  Since cutting down on carbs my abs are slowly appearing and once I am at the body-fat percentage I want to be at I will reintroduce carbs pre, post and other appropriate times to increase growth.  

The most important thing I learned was that with my genetics one of the reasons I couldn’t sleep was Creatine, that’s right;  I would have never thought, but since I have stopped using it as my uncle said, I have been able to sleep 8 hours straight something I haven’t done in years.  Actually I would here and there because I would take breaks from the Creatine, but until my uncle stated his reason for not taking it I would have never put it together; nowhere have I read that about Creatine.  No sleep no growth either another huge piece in my puzzle.

All these lesson’s I learned during this conversation have changed my entire program for the better, wish I would have called sooner.  Watch my site, if you want to see if this is working, I’ll post pics after each 6 week cycle and try to keep the site up to date in all areas, hopefully I’ll be laying down to push 6 plates real soon something I am burning to do.  Unc says it’s not a big deal, I said that’s because he can do it.  He’s right there also, pushing a lot of weight isn’t as important when sculpting a body, it’s all the other little things like the ones I’ve been discussing here.  At least that’s what I have learned so far, more shall be revealed, when I am ready and prepared/able to see it; and I will keep working to open my mind and see.

Today after spoofing on some others on this bodybuilding  site with my pics, I got back to business, since that is what this site is truly about for me.  For the past 9 months I have been trying to add muscle and lose fat at the same time, reading magazines, books even looking into taking fitness trainer courses in college (which I’m still considering).  The thing is I have worked numerous meal plans, supplement plans and exercise plans and gave each plan 6-8 weeks to provide results.  Guess what, nothing all that happen was I gained weight, last April when I begun this endeavor I was 212 pounds and 9.7% body fat, in my mind well on my way to having the ripped body I desired.  
The reality was at that point and still right now I want more, I want to be that ripped physique and I want it at 240 pounds so, I keep trying to add protein and carbs extending my workouts and everything the magazines and this site says to give me that body. Here we are 9 months later and I am in the same position I was last year at this time. The only difference is reality as set in, reality is I probably won’t be 240 and ripped, I could be 240 but I won’t be ripped (reality).  To be ripped I need to come to terms with possibly 195, I am hoping for 210, I am praying that in the last year I did put on some muscle.  I know by my weight and body fat last April to be popping I had to lose another 15-20 pounds which would have put me at 190-195.  Looking at my pics today at 224, I am hoping that after dropping 20-25 pounds I’ll be popping (probably not); probably 25-30.  
For me reality is if I want to be ripped I have to drop my weight, I will not be 224 and ripped anytime soon (bottom-line) and you know what it does piss me off, but it’s reality so, I need to stop crying and get with the program. Oh, I could take growth hormones and do some cycles like some people I know and talk to about this, but I really want to be 240 all natural.  Bottom line is I need to be ripped first and by April; I will that’s a guarantee.  What sucks is; I won’t be ripped and 240 for a few more years. Reality is I will be ripped while I strive to reach for 240 for this day on; no more B.S. If I have to drop to 190 to be ripped by April then so be it, but I will never give up my quest to be 240 and popping no matter how long it takes and that’s reality.  Oh and when I reach 240, I’ll want to be 260 and popping and so on and so on until I die; THAT’S REALITY

The past few months have been tough, I resigned from a job where the people took no pride in their work, and in a place where disabled people depend on those in my position to ensure their rights are up held.  Continuously, I fought the system to ensure unethical practices and consumer rights were adhered to despite those in positions of authority who just collect a check and do as little as possible, cover up there past/present misdoings leaving those served with the bare minimum; looking at them only as a number on a funding sheet.  

I can’t begin to explain the extent of the laziness I have witnessed and the disregard for purpose and lack of pride in an occupation.  As a residential house framer, I dreamed of getting my education and working to help those less fortunate then me only to get there and find out that the people in the facility I went to, did as little as possible; complained about every little change, fought tooth and nail not to use new technology in the work place, and sought out every chance possible to have some sort of Pot-Luck or desert eating endeavor during work hours rather then work and earn their pay.

It is true, I came from a totally different world then all of them, an impoverished childhood, employed full-time at 15 in the construction field by 18 employed as a carpenter for a boss that took extreme pride in his profession, making sure every home he framed was perfect, continually looking for new innovative and better ways to improve and increase productivity in his and his crew’s craftsmanship.  Of course, while there I hated how anal he was though; I respected him.  I hated the long hours, the heat, the cold, the rain, the snow, the mud, having to pack meals, eating on a schedule developed by him via his timed breaks. Although at the time I hated it, these rules and difficult environments taught my discipline, it provided me with the resources needed to seek and obtain a higher education without handouts from the government.  I could have quit framing, and in my view took the easy way out via government assistance as numerous others do, but that’s the problem with me, I couldn’t do it, I can’t ask for help when I don’t really need it just so things would be easier for me. I am certain; I wouldn’t value my education as much or worked as hard at it if I chose the latter. Maybe that’s a weakness.  I like to believe it’s a strength the one that helped me overcome alcohol and drug use, obtain my master’s degree and resign from a lucrative position despite the burdens. A position where those with power had taken away my ability to make change and truly serve the client’s.  For six years, I broke down every barrier possible empowered every consumer that asked for my help teaching them to do what I begun to do for them on their own.  In the end it got to a point where it just wasn’t paying off, the effort didn’t justify the results; to many hurdles, everyone they could find to slow me down.  I could have stayed and just collected a paycheck as they wanted, just do the minimum as everyone else, follow suite.  I couldn’t do it, I can’t go to work and sit in my office and do nothing, I can’t do it, that’s all they wanted me to do, come to work and do the minimum and they’d leave me be to collect my check.  The dream job for most; not me I hated that it came to that.

Just like with bodybuilding to see results you have to be disciplined and work at it continually and through this hard work you grow to appreciate what you have done and are doing.  Like house framing you work hard all day and when you climb off the house and look back as you walk to the truck and see what you’ve accomplished, you see what your hard work has produced and with pride and passion you know that the frame is straight and true.  Even here there where crews I worked with, where I didn’t look back because it wasn’t true and despite knowing from additions I worked on where homes were 3" out of level and had been standing for 20-30 years it doesn’t mater if it’s framed straight? There’s proof it doesn’t, the thing is, it matters to me, and it mattered to my first boss.  Every-time I left him (a few times) to work with other crews (all but one, a Sider returned due to lack of work), I always came back because I couldn’t just throw a house up half ass, I just couldn’t do it, it ate at me, I couldn’t be apart of the butchery, even though as mentioned I knew the house wouldn’t fall and the owners had no clue, I couldn’t work with them despite once it was covered with sheet rock and siding or brick; nobody knew, the thing is, I knew.  

It’s the same with an education, it’s hard to tell if the person really knows what they’re doing, they dress nice cover their uncared for physique with fancy cloths and jewelry, you listen to all the big words they use.  You know they received a degree, how else could they be in that position; the thing is did they truly earn the degree or was it practically handed to them through financial aid or wealthy parents.  Don’t misunderstand; I know people who received both forms of assistance mentioned and used them, with gratitude and showed that gratitude by excelling to their full potential. Those people are rare and it’s sad because if you truly look and listen you can see it everywhere people who did as little as possible to get where they are and then just keep everyone else down so they can stay there.  It bothers me most of all as a Social Worker and in the social services field because here the workers are supposed to create change and rectify injustices regarding those less fortunate, those that need a boost to get it going, to slack in this arena is truly disgusting and lacking in any value as a person since it effects those who need help most, I can’t begin to explain in this post the impact of this behavior, in this discipline.  

It is a blessing for me to know that there are people with purpose and passion for what they do, like my former boss and many of the people in this sport; to succeed at this profession there is very little room for complacency.    The one difference with my old boss and bodybuilders is he didn’t have to be so disciplined; he could have cut corners, the thing is he didn’t.  My grandfather was the same way, maybe between those two men; despite my defiance as a teen, pride and purpose was ingrained in me and I thank God it was. I assure all those that take the time to read this that I will always take pride in everything I do especially my Social Work career.  I will never be a company man and sell out the consumer for a paycheck nor will I turn a blind eye to injustice.  I will also build my body through weight lifting and healthy eating because if I do not take care of my self then what help would I be to anyone else, it is only through self growth and discipline, that we can obtain the experiences and strength to overcome any challenge.  

After leaving the construction site for my great office job, I thought my life was finally moving forward, the thing is it didn’t, I struggled to maintain an eating schedule, I struggled to find a single person who had that passion for my new profession as my old boss did for his.  After 18 years of working in such a field I came to this new one with great hopes and expectations but found out that outside of construction there is a completely different mentality and adjusting for me was going to be difficult; turns out I couldn’t and you know what, thank God.  I don’t want to ever take half measures in anything I do, I will not step on others to improve my situation, I told my supervisor before I resigned, nothing monetary I have is worth having if it comes at the expense of others, if I have to turn a blind eye to unethical practices to keep it then I don’t want it.  

Turns out, in this area and market, I will lose all those monetary things and have to re-build my credit, and put off obtaining my Doctorate for a bit. On the other side, I have regained my sense of purpose, I continued/continue to build my mind by studying and passing my Social Work Licenser and have buckled back down on eating habits and continue to hone my weight lifting form and routines, building a better me.  Through this, I have found purpose; it is to live as long as possible and be healthy throughout my years so I can experience as much as possible.  I am here to explore this world and improve everything I can while here and I plan to do that. My Grandfather lived to be 101 and I want to take that to the next level, that is my purpose, it means I have another 61 years to go, plenty of time to find a new better job, fix my credit and obtain my Doctorate.

I can’t fault those people I have mentioned the thing is despite being educated they just haven’t grasped the concept of value in all life and how that is necessary to value their own life and to see how through caring for the entire world and what’s positive you improve life the entire world every molecule in every form they take.  They try to be comfortable doing what they do, though if you look there’s the fear of losing their positions or place in society, it’s not that they want to do wrong by those less fortunate, its this fear of losing their place and not getting it back that blocks them and prompts them to seek comfort in food, substance, sex etc.  I know, because that has been my struggle, I used in the past and currently have loss my position a fairly prominent one in this community and I won’t get it back, the difference is I am not afraid, I am confident that I will obtain a better position in the future, it just won’t be here it might not be right away but with patience it will happen.  

I know for a fact that body/mind building is what separates me from those I have been around, often they would demonstrated how uncomfortable they were around me, through attempts to pursued me to drink after work or eat the garbage around the office.  I often found it interesting how people would justify their actions in relation to mine or insist I join them so they could feel better about what they were doing.  I am glad to have moved away from those people it is obvious that although I may have had some positive influence, I could not for-fill my dreams and remain their.  The sad thing is, it is much easier to be pulled down then to lift someone up so, when trying make sure they are helping you pick them up or your in for the battle of your life; be prepared.  

With that said, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to help our fellows just need to make sure we are prepared and on solid ground first.  Of course as with those mentioned here they see nothing wrong in what they are doing to themselves or those they are paid to assist and because of their past education and in their view experience (based only on those ancient ways) change is almost impossible.  They know better then other’s, I often asked if experience is so important then why do they have higher education such as a Master’s and Doctorate?  It would seem to me that if although valuable, I prefer my experience with a strong dose of continued education. Especially from any one I am looking to for assistance.  Just like in the gym if you don’t continue to look at your form, routine, food intake, supplementation and educate yourself you won’t continue to grow, that can be applied to all aspects of life, as noted above.

I am lost, I look around this site and read the posts, where people talk about drinking, loan sharks after them, masturbation, degrading women, then I look at pictures of women with their legs spread in the hay, see through panties, where is the dignity, respect for you body.  

Are people that desperate for attention, I mean the best is 2,467 friends; how many of these people even know the names of 50-100 of those friends, hows there progress going, what can you tell me about them?  Yea Yea, what-ever you want to tell yourself the reason is.    If your selling something you would want 1,000,000 friends but what the hell are you selling, nothing what is the point other then to stroke ones ego.  I keep thinking I’m on My Space, with all this little kiddy stuff.  What is it about having all these friends, is it an ego thing? Do you need big numbers to make you feel good about yourself, it’s not like the people who you add mean anything to you, I’ll bet anything that 70% of the members didn’t even visit the site of 80% of the friends they added,  I could guarantee if they did visit the site it was only once at the time they agreed.  

I just read a blog and it was praising an icon of the sport while disrespecting the icons in the making, claiming that the body builders of today have distorted the vision of the past and made it ugly and disproportionate.  They said the the body building champions of today are too big and have no symmetry. Did I really read that?  The best is people where agreeing with it, HAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAH I have to laugh at the ignorance.  But then again I see it everywhere, I am a very well educated person and you know what; because of my piercing, body configuration, cloths, hair, in my field the peers think I am a dumbbell while the consumer’s I serve praise me because I look like them but can logically out talk the nerds across the table talking down to those I serve, I won’t allow it.   You know what; the MAN has a sure fire system, an economic prison.  LOOK AT IT AROUND YOU, and lack of education and willingness to change and to be more then those before us is exactly what the MAN wants, it is what keeps us as a people; dumbbells.    

It reminds me of a few things; first is how people need to cling on to the past and put down the things they can’t understand or can’t compete with.  Of course people would aspire to Frank Zane his physic is much easier to obtain in this day and age, but to be as big as,Ronnie, Cutler, Trey Brewer or any of those guys is a feat beyond comprehension, talk about educated and determined individuals.

To say something like that just shows a lack of education, of vision, Joe Wielder has been preaching change for 60 years begging society to embrace it, to reach even further as Jay and Trey have done and are doing to continue to take this sport to the next level.  

If you think for a second that Frank Zane, Arnold or any of the past icons would have been any different if they had the knowledge, technology, and supplementation that could get them to where the body builders of today are in their time that they wouldn’t have done the same exact things and pushed themselves to be as huge as possible; then you are truly delusional.

This sport is more then just pushing weight, Arnold is not the governor of the 5th largest economy in the world because he is some dumbbell body builder.  He not only built his body he built his mind, he had dignity, class and respect, as have and do all the champions in this sport.  

I read an article in the NY Times that stated the education gap between the rich and poor is getting wider, that less people are reaching for a higher education.  The average reading level in my County of 50,000 people is 5th grade, 90% of these people are also unhealthy, I wonder if there is any correlation with these two facts.  It’s funny because it’s easy to see the posers and pros on this site and just because you look fairly good doesn’t mean much because bodybuilding can only take you so far, eventually you have to strengthen you brain, embrace change, grow open your eyes and your mind to what could be if you dream and put in the work.  

You know what my problem is?   I don’t know that I have patience, I think that I want what I want when I want it.  When I was young as stated before, if I wasn’t an instant pro I moved on.  I can feel that sneaking in with my current eating plan, its only been three weeks and I have lost 7lbs but my body fat percentage seems to hoover, I’m not happy, I’m not chiseled, my arms are taking too long to grow. I am only supposed to lose body fat not weight, what’s the problem?

I find it amusing how after all these years for brief moments I revert to that sick thinking that certain things should happen regardless, they should go my way with out me directing them.   The best part is, I know that all my accomplishments in life took time and effort to achieve.  I didn’t get my masters a week after I entered undergraduate school it actually took me longer then it should have because I was goofing off partying like a moron and not going all out after it like I should have.   The story of my past life, when it came to partying I was balls to the bar stool, pounding the alcohol and other substances like a real man, so I thought at the time; now I know what a loser I was.

I have been lifting weights for 9 years now and look what I have to show for it, who should I be mad at for not being where I want to be?  Obviously, I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for my self like a little baby (poor me) and be patient and diligent doing whatever I need to to reach my goal, nothing can stop me from getting where I want to be 100 years old and ripped.

If I would have done what I have always known needed to be done I would have my chiseled stomach and 19" arms.  But, I didn’t so, I need to move on get it together and do what I need to do, stop lying to myself and disillusioning myself with false reference points.  I have a lot of fat to lose which means I am going to lose weight, that’s a fact.  I am building muscle mass and that’s also a fact so, what is my problem?  The problem is in my head, "all the time it was me, me against me against me; " (Project 86, 2002)  

Society has ingrained in me that life is easy and there is a pill to make me happy, a drink to make me large, a diet to make me lovable, hey there is a cure for everything and all need is enough money to buy it.  The best part is; my family has fought this belief, teaching me since I was a wee lad that anything worth having, you earned with blood, guts, sweat and tears.   I respect nothing that is handed to me, if I didn’t earn it, then I don’t want it.  The bottom line is I will have my 19" arms and chiseled stomach this summer and all of you will see it and all of you will know the work put in to get it.

The saying goes you are right where you are supposed to be in relation to the choices you have made up to this point; if you want to be somewhere different in the future then you will need to make the choices needed to get you there.  The choices are being made; finally, I have found the Patience my father modeled for me my entire life, Thanks Dad,  sorry I didn’t listen sooner    I love you.

Three weeks ago I decided it is time to do put my knowledge to work once and for all get real with this quest.  There is no grey in bodybuilding it is black and white and I want to be one solid color.

My new diet is calorie oriented consisting of 2652 on off days which is 306 grams of protein and then the fat and carbs are not tracked but are well balanced.

On work out days I lift 10 sets 3 reps max weight 8-10 exercises for two body parts with 20 second rest between sets on chest and back day I super-set, Arms is Bis. Tri’s and Forearms so that is 12 exercises this routing takes 2.5-3 hours with no goofing off.  

On workout days I add 1270 calories and 130+ grams of protein.

This is the meal and sup plan exactly as written in the book.

I try to drink 10oz of water with each sup or food intake getting no less then 128oz each day

Before I wake 5g Arginine

When I wake 48g Whey, 20oz gatorade, 1.5g L-Carnitine 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

Meal 1= 4 slice Canadian bacon 7 eggs 3 with yokes I eat half of this 30 minutes after I wake with a multi vitamin w/ minerals, calcium and Chlondriotine  Glucosamine and the other half an hour later portion split varies.

Meal 2=  one serving of mixed beans high protein/fiber about 2 hours after last meal

Meal 3= Chicken breast 6-8oz on a wheat wrap with a serving of diced tomato, onion & peppers; tablespoons of Flax seed, balsamic vinegar, sesame seed and 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

Meal 4= one serving of raw spinach

on work out days 1 hour prior to start 5g L-Arginine and 200mg caffeine

30 minute later 24g Whey 5g creatine 1.5g L-Carnitine and 55g of whole grain cereal with skim milk

Post work out 48g Whey 48g Casein 5g  Creatine, 1.5g L-Carnitine 32oz Gatorade and 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

Meal 5=10oz Atlantic Salmon with a steamed veggie and sweet potato

meal 6= serving of unsalted shelled peanuts

1.5 hours later 9g of L-arginine, 3g Melatonin  and ZMA pill

1 hour later at bed time 24g of Casein 2 servings low fat cottage cheese and 100mg Beta-ecdysterone

On off days I don’t take the pre and post sups and thats my diet started it diligently 3 weeks back prior to that I did sups for 3 months but didn’t track calories and that wasn’t working.  

Yesterday while working out I was thinking about my life as an alcoholic and the influential people I have met throughout.  I thought back to my years framing homes specifically my time in the union.  I realized that I have not met many people who take pride in themselves or the things they do.  Unfortunately, I know I will never totally escape people of this nature, since there are some in my family, work and all walks of life.  

There are people I need to thank like my boss and his father whom I worked for 10 of the 16 years, I framed homes.  These men were so anal in regard to the quality and precision of every aspect of the homes I built with them there was no way I wouldn’t be affected.  They also loved their booze and promoted it especially in opposition to marijuana (influence in my progression with alcohol mostly smoked prior to meeting them).  Neither of these men would settle for anything less then perfection from their workers regarding the homes we built and their reputation was of the utmost importance (they were always hard on me).  

I need to thank my parents despite all their flaws they taught me respect, patience and the most import thing in my life; that I am only as good as my world.   Regardless of anything I have, money, degrees, if people can’t count on me and believe me when I tell them something, then what good am I.  How else could I earn their respect?  What type of influence would I have?  How would I build a positive reputation?   Even when I used drugs/alcohol my word was always important, I never lied about my use and I tried to be as honest as possible with everything else although while high this proved difficult.  

I learned some valuable lessons each time I left those employers to work for other framers; in a few of those incidents I was unable to work with some crews because none of the workers took pride in the job they did.  I learned that there were a lot of poorly built homes out there and that people buying them had no clue.  There was a time I actually left a site due to the atrocity being committed it was so bad I wanted to leave a letter in the homeowners mailbox letting them know what was going on (regret) I didn’t because these where guys I grew up with.  When I reflect back on the older homes I worked on; every-time we took one apart to do an addition we would find some thing that just wasn’t right in relation to it being level, square or secure.  Yet these homes somehow survived for years prior to us and although we weren’t paid to fix it, we always tried as best we could to secure it and make sure our work was done well.  

While in the NYC Brotherhood of Carpenters local 902 the forman (a Norwegian) loved me (called me, half breed) and would have me lead the others in the areas that meant the most.  We built a lot of low income housing projects in poor sections of Brooklyn, Bronx, and Queens, I remember my union brothers (95% who were drunk on a daily basis) would screw things up and just leave it, laughing.  I would be so disheartened stating people are going to live in these homes,  asking them if they took any pride in their work; maybe 2% did or cared what I was talking about.  All of these experiences taught me and I am thankful that I always took pride in my work, that I learned regardless of what others choose to do; I would always do the best job I could.   It has taken me time to relate this consciously to other aspects of my life though the seed of pride was planted for certain in my life and was growing (slowly).

Luckily for me, unknowingly this filtered into my recovery, at the very start I put everything I had into this aspect of my life.   This was and still is the most important aspect of my life, without it, there is nothing.  This is the reason for many of the accomplishments in my life.  It is obvious that for me, without determination a successful/fulfilling life in recovery would have been impossible to obtain.  This is something that is proven to me daily watching and working with others in recovery and my profession.  I am fortunate this filtered into my academics as well; although I wasn’t a 4.0 student, my 3.5  ( despite using some of that time) was instrumental in my acceptance to graduate school and will also help me with obtaining my doctorate.    

I mention all over my site that I want to bring it all together in my life, realizing now that by taking more pride in my self; the discipline comes so much easier.  For years I studied the literature took supplements and worked out religiously but never held firm to my diet always slacking here and there with sweets and empty carbs.  This is in-spite of one fact, I always knew;  half measures avail us nothing,  I guess I thought 3/4 measures would;  that I could meet my goals despite cutting corners (lol).  

Everyone successful I know in any aspect of life gives 100% and takes pride in their work; all the great people in history took pride in what they did, were they perfect; no but they worked hard.  My limitations regarding pride, have held me back in life.  In writing this, I realize that my concept of pride was limited, that the level of pride I have in each thing I do will be instrumental in its outcome (that’s a fact).  I was actually told by an AA member the other day that I am too passionate about the program and it’s ability to help people recover that I am to forceful and should be easier on people (enablers feed dependance). This is a person who is over weight, smokes and has other health problems.  I didn’t argue, instead I told him that if he doesn’t agree with the path I follow then he should just ignore me that I see no need for a discussion (especially with someone who is so unmotivated).  This guy shares how his doctor told him his smoking is enhancing his health issues yet he still smokes, a person who’s organs had to begin failing for him to quit (sad).  On his behalf he does have seven years clean he is just so bitter.  

It’s interactions like this that show me how valuable taking pride in everything I do is how being optimistic is so important (pessimism is worthless).   I couldn’t see pessimism being a part of this site since in order to be physically fit you would have to be completely dedicated and optimistic.   I also know their is no possible way such dedication wouldn’t filter in to everything we do.

The reason I do not debate my beliefs with people is it doesn’t help; in order to challenge ones beliefs you first must develop trust/rapport.  I am confident that I am doing what’s best for me and by doing this I am  positioning myself to empower others through modeling.  For those who are threatened by my desire to succeed; hopefully they’ll see their own unwillingness to fight is the true problem not me, that I just represent those things they’re not doing. In recovery I attend meetings so someone is there for the person who comes in and wants it bad, as bad as I did and is willing to do whatever it takes to succeed, as I was.  I think someone there needs to push people to stand up, take responsibility for their life and do the work needed to recover (take pride in yourself).  During my 9 years clean there has been maybe 2 people who have had the desire to succeed no mater what (their lives are blooming).

This also holds true in my work as a Medicaid Service Coordinator few of the people I work with are willing to push, the majority of work I do is helping them overcome the stigma that they can’t.  There are some of these people and their families who do show a strong desire to overcome and with them my job is a blessing.  The main goal in my job is to remain separate and non-judgmental to focus on providing information/empowerment, the rest is up to them.  I can only share what I know and lead by example if someone wants to follow, awesome if not there is nothing more I can do.   I have a lot of compassion/pride for the profession of social worker and want to be absolutely certain I am always a strong positive representative of my discipline.

Despite my strong belief in what I am doing and the pride I have in myself and my path (Gods Path for me) I need to be around positive motivated people.  Those like me who look to overcome adversity and will do whatever it takes to succeed and reach their goals in some aspect of my life.

This is why I believe God showed me this site at this point in my life, I am not surprised I haven’t picked up on it sooner despite subscribing to MF for years now.  Currently I have been working to put more influential people in my life and been backing away from those who lack gratitude and are full of self-pity, (unless they ask for help, are willing to do some work or are on my case load) how could anyone in that state of mind succeed?  It is this mentality that I work to eliminate in as many people as I can, it is why I became a social worker.   I quit using and got help because I knew I couldn’t help anyone if I couldn’t help my self and that I also needed help.  I want to confront this mentality in a positive manor leading by example and backing everything I say with personal action (how can I say something to you if I’m not doing it).
  
The thing is in order to actually help others, I have to take care of myself,  take pride in my development, continuing to strengthen my mind body and spirit that is Gods path for me. It is through my strength others shall also have strength.  Through the strength of a higher power and the strength of those placed in my life as inspirations, I will gain strength and with this there is no way I can fail.  My faith in this point of view and the pride I have living this way of life; I am ensured success in all my endeavors.

For the past 3 month I have been busting butt; my routine has been 10 minutes cardio at 80% of max heart rate before and after my chest and back day, on the following day 40 minutes cardio at that rate, next day shoulders and traps with 10 minute cardio pre and post, next day 40 minute cardio, next day biceps, triceps and forearms also 10 minute cardio pre and post.  If at the end of this rotation I feel real tired I rest for a day or two other wise I would start the rotation over the following day.  Oh, and prior to post cardio on weight days I would do 2 stomach exercises 4 sets.  

During the past 5 days I have eliminated the 40 minute cardio day because two of those five days I was out doing heavy yard work (since I am a desk man and old now, an 8 hour physical day wipes me out so, I considered that my cardio); I also rested one of those five days.  I have also been considering talking to my doctor because for the past 7 weeks I have had a sharp pain in my lower back and upper shoulder on the opposite side.  Sometimes I struggle to bend but when I am in the gym, I just push right through, I was hopping to just work it away.  The yard work really made the back pain come to life but with all my years building homes where the reality was; if you don’t work you don’t get paid.   When you got hurt you had to just keep going if you wanted to make your bills; no time for crying there.  With this mentality in the back of my head and knowing that’s why I wanted out of that business adding college to the chaos figuring might as well totally suffer now with the hope it will get better; and it has.  The problem is, now I don’t know when I am being a baby or am I using my caveman philosophies, have I become less of a man now that I am an office worker or a smarter man?  

My uncle told me when I started with him; "as a teen I thought I was invincible and would push hard" he said this was wrong because he injured his shoulder and still has problems with it 20 years later.  I was also always told to work smarter not harder and this was important building homes because you could get seriously injured there.  The thing is this has been difficult for me to balance in body building because I need to push to gain.  My uncle also stated that if your hurt, you can’t lift, how does this help you?  I felt this first hand when I crashed my Buell ridding wheelies and broke my clavicle.   It was 5 months before I was able to get back in the gym (the worst injury I ever had) and I had lost a lot of my strength.  I do not want to be out again and this is why this back pain bothers me, I also read that for exercises that stress the spine a weight belt is beneficial and wonder if this is what happen to my back even though it’s off to the side of my spine.  It is hard to tell if it is a nerve or a muscle pain nor am I sure what to do about it.  Bottom line is, I need to keep training with no lapses, I need to learn which pain needs quick outside attention to remedy and which can be ignored because it will work itself out.  

Yesterday, I got back to my leg workout, I have decided that I will not do the 40 minute cardio regularly plus, I hate running/jogging in any manor, I do it because everywhere I read says it’s good (uncle Bob never does cardio and he’s huge).  I want to get my cardio during my weight training (like Bob says) and I want to work legs.  When I  do all this cardio it’s hard to do legs and I don’t want to over train them (my legs always hurt and are tight,).  I have decided to continue the pre and post cardio to warm up but will drop it down to 65% of my max something mentioned on this site as best practice and then maybe do no less then 20-min here and there on rest days; if I am in the mood.  

This is the first time in weeks I did a full leg routine (wow) am I hurting and cramping.  I can’t even bend without wincing, but I love this pain I know it’s good, I also know this leg pain is not the same as the back pain.  By writing this I’ve decided I am going to keep pushing and hope for the best until I talk with my doctor and then a P/T.  Prior to writing this and reading articles on this site last night I set on starting a one day lifting and one day off regiment and make it a life routine.  Then last night I read that for strength and size I should go heavy 10 sets 3 reps, I like this idea, but was thinking if I do chest and back 5 exercises each at this rate; I’d be in the gym a long time (good thing it’s at home).  Then I have shoulder/Trap day and Biceps, Triceps and Forearm day should I break this down into 6 days and just rest every 3rd day?  Obviously, I can complicate the hell out of the pain thing, finding routine and supplementation (we won’t go there today).  There is just so much different information; what is right for me?  (Whining?)  I just need to pick something and stick with it.  

As I write this I definitely think I am whining about the back, I’m on course with the doctor; it didn’t work itself out, I gave it 6 weeks and it has yet been enough to stop my workouts so, I keep working out and talk to the doctor; simple.  I am going to break down my body parts into six days and incorporate the 10 set 3 rep heavy weight into all my exercises doing Forearms with traps, keeping Biceps and Triceps together and giving chest, back, shoulders and legs their own days.  I will rest every fourth day of the rotation continuing with the pre and post cardio at 65% max heart rate and do one stomach exercise just before the post cardio every session.

I totally enjoy this blog concept writing this has truly helped me; throwing it out there in the mix keeps me real because now people know what’s going on and if I am truly a man of my word they’ll see the results.  I do not want to be a whiner and need to work these thing out,  because I also don’t want to injure myself and be out of the game for any amount of time.  I do this to enhance my life not to put it on hold.  As I reflect on this I know people other then my uncle who are younger then me and train like crazy for Ironman competitions to the point of needing a replaced knee at 26; for what?  What is gained in working so hard for something that causes permeant damage?  Is a fake body part (other then boobs) better then the original?  Some of my friends would work so hard to be the strongest they had torn muscles, huge scars and now have to compensate for it.   The Kurt Angle article is a good example in regard to his neck injury.  I am sure; I don’t want to live like that, I remember being drunk getting hurt real bad and refusing to get help hanging out bleeding profusely or with broken bones.  Working with infected cuts oozing puss and having co-workers try to squeeze the puss out because I couldn’t get a good grab, we would all laugh at how much came out and the pain on my face as they squeezed it, yelling be a man.

I am eager to find a balance where I can appropriately push my body without being a neanderthal and destroy it, in what I see as meaningless quests.  At least Kurt gets paid a lot of money as a result of his injury the ironman guys reward is accomplishment;  from my view a great expense for such a small reward.  As I got older building homes I realized the money I was making wasn’t worth the damage to it was causing my body (I was so tan people thought I was black).  Eventually, I didn’t let things get infected or wait to seek medical help.  I am worried I am turning into a wimp, I need to push myself in a beneficial way, learning where that is for me is knowing when it’s legitimate and when I am whining.  I also do not want to judge people if they want to push themselves to the brink that’s there gig. thinking of those runners who died this year in the chicago marathon, how did that work out for them and their families.  That was always in my mind later on while I was framing homes I didn’t want it to end there, doing that.  I guess those runners died doing what they love, that’s what I say about my bike but I take safety courses, read and keep the bike in top running condition, who knows; obviously not me.

One of the most difficult things for me to learn in life has always been patience (I’m sure my substance use played a role).   For some reason; I used to think that things should just be right there for me.  When I was a child and tried various sports if I wasn’t good right out of the box, I would quit, I would never practice, work at it never gave it a second glance; if I wasn’t good first  try then I was done (wish I wasn’t good at using).

   Maybe things would have been different for me if someone explained that anything worth having, requires effort and even those who may be naturals still need to work at their kraft if they want to improve. Since no one was there to provide me with this valuable intel I make certain that every chance I get, I provide it.  Later  in life I learned I actually have some athletic attributes (of course this came in sobriety), turns out that if I had just give myself a chance (put in a little effort), I may have surprised myself.  

     Right now in my life this lesson has never been more important to adhere to especially if I am truly commitment to improving my physical presence.  I love this site and as I look at all the members and their physical presence, I am eager to remain patient and stick to my guns.  I was talking to a good friend in sobriety today and they brought up patience and how they notice my struggle.  We talked about how it is not as prevalent as before nor dose it affect as many areas though it is still present.  I have mentioned in previous blogs my desire to take control of my life by remaining firm in the presence of my challenges.  The most important thing for me to focus on is the fact that the less focused and diligent I am in my endeavors what ever they may be; the longer it takes for them to come to fruition and the greater the chance I have of becoming disenchanted and letting those obtainable goals slip through my grasp.

I know that I am not going to meet my goal in a week, so I will need to remain focused and patient and that is true for all my present goals and those in my future.  This is also one aspect I know will just become easier with dedication and as with everything else at some point will just be the way it is.