TDetroit’s ramblings and nonsense

I am picking up anergy and lifting a bit heavier now.  Actually did 2 sets of 10 at 225 on the squat rack.  Real good form, all the way level.  It felt great.

The meds were killing me.  First there was the screw up with ativan (my fault) which was like not taking anything.  So we upped the dose and returned to xanax - a wonderful drug with a sleepy side effect.  Then the shrink said I needed to tell the doc to increase my dose of lexapro because i was still too depressed.  Well, lexapro helps benzos work better, the the xanax was kicking my ass and had my pinned to the couch.

Went in to the doc the other day for a 4 week progress report.  I told him it ws kicking my ass.  He didn’t like what he had to do - i can tell, I am a master salesman.  He decided to try an older drug, it works - and he left the word hanging, he wanted to say, "but…"

if it is older than xanax and ativan, then why do we have the latter ones.  easy, it must clearly have a bad side effect.  what could that be?  I’ll bet it is the most addictive benzo.  that’s why he doesn’t like it.  but, no sleepy.  I am doing pushups like a mad man.  getting stuff done. etc.

I guess we can deal with the addiction when it happens.

that’s the update from Detroit

I got all messed up with my medications.  Because they knock me out, I have to plan ahead.  Push an hour here, delay and hour there.  I have to think 3 days ahead and plan for the best schedule.  I take one every 8 hours unless I am sleeping the night.  There’s the problem.  I sleep through the pill time and then wake up and can’t sleep.  So now I am taking one 4 hours late and I am totally shifted.

Weekends are not what they used to be.  There used to be another adult here.  We could plan.  I will go to the gym, when I get back you go shopping.  Now, it’s I’d like to go to the gym and do the shopping, but who will be here to stop the kids from fighting.

I wish winter would end.  We are snapping at each other over everything.  We are all locked in here and bothering each other. 

I am getting some muscle back.  I posted new pics the other day.  I’ve lost a lot of size.  Sucks.  170 again this morning.  Can’t break out of this cycle.  In fact.  I am going to stop typing now and go make an omelette….

Meals for the day.

Protein shake - 1 scoop, banana, 3 strawberries, and a bit of honey

Cereal - 1 cup raisin bran, 1/2 whole milk

then in the car

protein bar and fruit and nut bar

then a bit later in the car

protein shake RTD

got home

1 cup shrimp with cocktail sauce

plate of baked french fries from frozen with mozzeralla and groovy (it’s a canada thing I learned to eat)

that’s quite a few cals and mostly clean

more food to come yet, it’s still early

stopped in at a machine shop owned by a high school friend.  I need four plexy lids for vases.  each vase contains dried flowers - 3 from the hospital when she was diagnosed, and 1 very large one almost 2 feet tall with flowers from the funeral home, it is topped off with two red roses one for me and one for her.  With the plexy lids, I can seal them for preservation.  the big one is now my most prized possession.  Bob thinks he can do it for me.

Stopped in at a cabinet shop.  I had always promised Audrey I would buy an Island cabinet for the kitchen.  We never had the money, well I have two life insurance checks coming in, so I am buying her island cabinet.  the counter top will hangover 6 inches so I can put 3 stools next to it for a very family like gathering spot.  I know she is watching and will love it.  I breaks my heart that she can’t be here physically to enjoy it.

went to a client’s store. a religious bookstore.  she is going out of business.  everything is internet now.  I bought two Bible Promise for Men books for the boys, two similar books for the girls, and a Bible Promise for Men book for me bound in faux leather.   I also bought a monogrammed white bible for my youngest one who will be celebrating her first communion in a few months.   Karen wanted to give them to me for free.  I said, "I didn’t drive all this way to put you out of business."  she just laughed, we are going out of business anyway.  Still.

Stopped in to see my grumpiest client.  his biggest mistake is not listening to me, now he blames me, go figure.  oh well, he’ll still be my client anyway because he is loyal to my family and couldn’t bare to use someone else.  Still, would be nice if he would take credit for saying no when I said you should sell.

went grocery shopping.  still don’t know what I am doing there.  I know how to feed me, but how do you feed 4 kids.  that was never my job before. 

i have tomorrow planned out.  get the kids out.  got to the shrink.  go to the gym (first time in over 2 months, and my last time was just to cancel membership at the old gym).   come home to shower.  go to job interview.  meet old friend for coffee (not allowed to drink alcohol, i risk going into a coma from the scrip drugs).  then go to a board meeting for a club.  first full day away from the house.  mother-in-law is coming for 3 days to take care of me (and the kids).  On my own on Friday and the weekend.  At least I am going to the gym one time.

You would thnk sitting around all day eating carbs and watching football would cause a person to gain weight.

That’s it!  I am starting on a diet of strick potato chips.  Morning noon and night.  6 meals a day, just chips with salt, keetle chips too.  6000 cals a day.  artery clogging trans fats.

Unless someone says something inspirational to talk me off the ledge…

I was looking at my cereal boxes on top of the fridge.  You know when you are staring at something and not thinking - well women don’t know what I mean, they are always thinking.  But guys, you know when you are not thinking?

Anyway, a thought popped into my head.  When I was weak and could barely lift any respectable weights, I knew that I had smarts, and I could at least figure out the diet thing.  breakfast used to be a protein shake and 1 cup of cereal with 1/2 cup of whole milk.  I was putting on weight - muscle not fat - and getting stronger and more muscular. 

I got away from the cereal to try and lose the fat around the mid section.

so, here I am, eating junk food daily to preserve my precious pounds.  2 protein shakes per day.  some sort of meat once per day and lot’s of carbs - and barely holding that line at 169/170.

A thought occurred to me, why am I not eating the cereal.  Raisin Bran.  It’s good for you, it has vitamins and minerals, the raisins are super good for you, bran (what can you say, especially with all the drugs I am hopped up on), milk - and most importantly, calories in the morning.

Always, at the worst time in my life, I would say, "go back to the beginning."  Meaning go back to before it got bad.  Then fix it.  well, I can’t fix this that’s for damn sure.   but I can go back to the body beginning.  I need to stay healthy for just 15-18 years.  by then the youngest one will be settled in her life and on her own with all the instruction I can ever give her and the other 3 kids.  

Then who cares, I don’t want to be here after that.  I want to be there, you know the place where there is no pain, and love grows on trees.   Bells ring and angels get their wings.  don’t worry, I know the rules - If I force the issue, I have to go to the other place.  I am stuck here until I get my precious ticket.  the most wonderful thing a person can ever get.  it is not a time of sadness for the one leaving, look where they get to go.  It is only sad for those of us who didn’t get a ticket.  It is not envy, it is disappointment at not being chosen.  Why not me?  I promise to be good.  Just let me in. 

Not for me, I am here for the long haul.  confused as hell.  scared of my own shadow.  hopped on drugs so that I won’t be a danger to the kids.   But here, until I get called. 

So, I eat cereal and stay healthy.  that’s my job for today.  tomorrow I will be a better mom - boy did I nearly f it up today.  It was a close one.  I hope no one calls social serices because I am so bad at this.  I needed scissors to be able to comb her hair, and I was watching for the bus at the same time while making her scream everytime I accidently yanked a tangle.  oops.  Better planning next time - that would be tomorrow.

I go tso distracted with everything else.  I was putting away Christmas decorations.  but what really got me was that my mom was coming over to open the envelopes and help send out the thank you cards.

I have been so terrified of those.  they represent finality!  once those are done, it really will feel like it’s over and she is gone. 

OK.  I have to get off the couch and decide what will be for dinner tomorrow.  And I should probably eat some carbs too.  don’t worry, I have some shrimp already thawed and RTD’s at the ready.

here’s a new endocrinology lesson for you.

My sister-in-law believes I should be taking Effexor at this time because it works on serotonin and norepinephrin.  My Doc has me on Lexapro, it works just on serotonin.  She’s a almost psychologist who got bit by a deer tick and has limes disease, so she just sleeps most of the day.  He wants the Lexapro because it works faster.  I am going with the Doc until my pschologist sends me to a pschiatrist for a medical evaluation.

Anyway, not enough to just take pills, I go do the research.

OK, let’s back up just a bit.  Remember cholesterol is your friend.  It repairs your arteries (if you have the right ratios of HDL, LDL, and VLDL), and it is the basic building block to all hormones.  There are hundreds of hormones in your body, not just T, E, and Progesterone.

Got that?

Turns out the second building block to hormones is trytophan.  (Turkey)  Someone posted recently that the turkey/trytophan link is a myth.  Wrong.  Tryptophan is present in anyway you get protein - meats and legumes. 

Trytophan is the most important part of serotonin.  What is serotonin.  We cannot watch or sample a living brain, but in depressed people, serotonin levels in the blood are lower.  so by inference (best guess) they must be lower in the brain.  Serotonin is what creates the pathways in the brain to keep things moving.  The hypothalmus must send messages to the different lobes and glands in the brain to keep your happiness, without serotonin, that can’t happen.

So, eat tryptophan and all problems are solved.  Wrong.  Tryptophan is so in demand, your body will use it for your physical health prior to your mental health.  ( I learned that when I lived in the hospital with Audrey- the heart and lungs are very greedy, and they will kill the rest of your body if there is a threat to their supplies). 

So, to get the tryptophan to get used for serotonin, you need to eat carbs.  Carbs will energize your body and trick it into letting the tryptophan go to serotonin production. 

Now let’s look at what happens in 2 situations.  Depression and Ketosis.

Depression.  You land on the couch like me, forgetting to eat, feeling weak, not thinking about anything productive.   Without the carbs, the little nutrition I get gives me my tryptophan, but none is going to serotonin to make me happy.  Ergo the SSRI Lexapro.  Until my eating regulates and my energy comes back, I will need pharmaceutical supplementation. 

Ketosis.  You are depriving your body of carbs, so all of your tryptophan goes to the rest of your hormones, but the brain get’s no serotonin, and you get bitchy - even the guys.

Now it all makes sense.  The mess is in your head, and it is real.  For the competitions, just get through it.  I always tell people to apologize beforehand, this way you’ll still have friends afterward.

for depression, get your nutrients, especially your carbs.  go back to the 30/50/20 ratio.  30 protein, 50 carbs, and 20 fats.  notice how I flipped the competition numbers there.  When you are depressed, you need to fix your head instead of maintaining your body.  Go for the carbs with just enough protein to keep it all going.

Now, can anyone tell me how to get off this damn couch.

I ate good, I swear it.  There were a lot of calories yesterday.  I should have gained weight, not lost.  I nearly puked eating that food.  I don’t think I could possibly stomach anymore.

I know that this kind of stress causes adreniline and cortisol to surge.  I felt it yesterday, I skipped my moring xanax because I had to drop the kids off in Flint and then drive to Troy.  Just on the drive my legs were flying.  My body was out of control.  I could feel the hormones raging.  No, not withdrawal, the same hormones that were raging before I started my meds.  Yes, I know you are saying, "quit being so anti-pharma and take your meds."  I get that, but practical is practical.  You can’t drive 4 kids around while on xanax and lexapro. 

Yesterday there a quartere punder meal at McYuckles in the mix, surely that’s enough cals to overcome any and all stress. 

Admittedly, now would be the time to take pictures of my abs.  This is the best I have ever looked, it’s also the worst I’ve ever felt. 

today is day 19.   my friends are coming over tonight to "distract" me.  I have to time my pills so I don’t wander off and fall asleep right when they get here, plus give them a few hours to enjoy my company.  Probably should have taken one at 3:30 am.  Today was the first day I didn’t wake up at 3:30.  Of course the pill schedule had me awake until 1 am, so I didn’t sleep anymore last night than any other night.

Today is pull day.  I’ll try to get some overhead and legs too.  Let’s see how I feel.  Why does every inch of ground have to be so painful to crawl over? 

Addendum:

I was just posting a reply to MsFitness’ blog.  I just realized, I’ve never lived without a woman in the house.  Went from home to married: June 19th, 1993.  Holy crap!  I hope this place doesn’t turn into a bachelor pad with 4 undisciplined, uncared for kids wearing dirty clothes and eating off dirty dishes.  I keep forgetting that they are supposed to eat.  I am such a man.  Shrink told me I am not the mom, I am the dad - well then who the f*** is the mom?

I got off my ass a bit.  Did a full workout with perfect pushups.  160 total.  it’s like doing over 250 pushups.  Most people who use it can only do 50-60% of the max of normal pushups.  so I did that.

Had a shake in the morning.  1 cup shrimp a little later.  got sucked into McYuckles with the father-in-law and kids (at least it has calories).  then a friend took me to lunch and let me vent over a piece of salmon and a salad. 

I suppose I should eat again, but I feel so sick from eating so much already.  I know, i didn’t eat much.  Still, it’s so tedius to keep going.  Like living in syrup. 

skipped my happy pill this morning because I had to drive over 100 miles today.  My adreniline and cortisol were raging.  I could feel it.  I couldn’t stop shaking.  No, it’s not addiction.  I keep forgetting to take the pills, that doesn’t sound addicted to me.  Pills don’t work much anyway.  supposed to take one every 8 hours, but by 5 hours I am agitated.  Then I spend 2 and half hours trying to remember to take the next one, and finally take it 2 - 3 hours late.  I am terrible at scheduling these things.  Maybe I should set an alarm.

I got to thinking today.  What is more stress?  Living with her and the issues she had - you wouldn’t believe me so I won’t go into it (lunch today was with a friend who is a doc and he spent the whole time trying to pick his jaw up off the ground), or dealing with the grief of trauma of her going home to see God.  One day, my body will return to it’s normal relaxed self, and maybe we’ll be able to determine the answer.

Yes that’s me, popping happy pills that don’t do anything other than put me on the couch and doing pushups when they wear off, because not doing anything drives me up the walls.

I had the debate with my sis-in-law, who’s major was in psych, regarding happy pills, depression and depression-like.  Her arguement is that if it looks like depression, than the pills are necessary.  My arguement is that depression is when the chemicals and hormones go haywire for not reason - take the pills- but if the chemicals and hormones go haywire with reason, the pills won’t work.

Living proof right here.  The pills are not curing mydepression, because I am not depressed.  I am depression-like, that is: I am stricken with grief.  As long as the grief is here, all the pills will do is knock me out, which is pointless, my life goes on either way.  What I need is knock out pills before bed, preferably something that lasts the whole 8 hours instead of just 4 and half hours.  And I need to get over the grief, which is unlikely at this point.  I am planning a cathartic event for summer involving her friends from high - the last time her life was normal.  Until then, it looks like the couch and a disabled life.

The pushups.  I am getting weaker, not stronger.  You can only not eat for so long before your body starts to breakdown and not heal.  I do get the shake in the morning, and I am getting my cals up, but I am still way behind on cals and the right food.  It’s making me more exhausted to keep going.  I work out to exhaustion, take in not enough energy to recover and then repeat.

My vote, married couples should live long lives and then go out one day, hold hands and step in front of a bus.  This way, one won’t have to live without the other.  I promised to be with her forever, now we are apart until I get my ticket.  How much does it cost?  I’ll sell everything and buy it now.  I guess it doesn’t work that way, I have to wait for the conductor to come around and tell me I am allowed on the train.  ****, I hate waiting in lines.