TDetroit’s ramblings and nonsense

It was right after therapy.  I swear the woman breaks me down intentionally.  It’s 10 minute drive to the gym from her office, I was still crying when I got there.  She told me that at my next Doc appointment, I need to ask for a higher dose of anti-depressants.  Apparently, breaking me down is too easy.

So I was there in the wrong frame of mind.  Sadness can make you weak.  You should try it sometime.  Hold your arms out (make a T with your body), think the saddest thought you can and then have a friend press your arms down to your sides.  You should try to resist while you think these thoughts.  Your frined will find it easy to press your arms down.  Then do it again while thinking happy thoughts especially thought about when you did something your are proud of.  Your frined will not find it so easy this time.  I saw a weak old man do it to Derek Engler.  He played fo-line or the New York Giants when they won the Super Bowl in 2000(?) or 99.  His positive thought was the touch down play that went through him.  O don’t remember the weak thought, but the old man pressed this giant’s arms down like the giant wasn’t even trying.

So, here I am in the gym, with teary eyes trying to lift.  I was embarrassingly weak.  Shit stuff I did for warm ups I couldn’t do the sets for a real work out.  I was doing 3×10 squats at 225 with a quarter rep between each rep.  (that’s a serious work out with those quarters)  All I did was 1×5 at 205 with quarters.

By the end, I had left it all on the floor, but these were not the lifts I was doing 2 months ago. 

The good news is that a bunch of the new tunes came up on the iPod.  So that cheered me up.  Hungryy for Heavan by Dio.  If you only knew…  No, I don’t want to die, I just want to go see Audrey.  It would be nice if there were visitation rules or at least a phone call once a year.

Surfacing by Slipknot.  F*** you all!  that will pump you up.  It’s an angry song.  I believe that song ws playing just before the Premier took his oath to enslve all of us in equal poverty.  You goot alove that Joe the racist Biden was actually in charge for 10 minutes.  He’s the handler you know.  There are no elitist democrats who honestly believe a black man can hold the White House efficiently.  Not like us conservatives who have a dozen that we have lined up only to get shot down by dumb liberal voters.  Michael Steele was being groomed for the Presidency, but he MA idiots who vote blindly voted against him and derailed the dream.  The good news is no one shot Obama before the oath.  Could you imagine Biden in the big chair.  We would all have to move to Australia to escape the hypocrisy, and elitism, and aristocracy - and don’t forget he’s a racist.

Anyway, these are the thoughts in my head my head while trying to work out.  I was embarrassingly weak, but…. I was the big in the gym.  The DB’s at my end of the rack were all mine, no one elses.  The other guys were working out with light weights.  I didn’t see anyone breaking a sweat.  Then there are the lifts that I do.  These guys have apparently never seen bent over DB rows before.  Or Arnold Presses.  The squat rack was a bit confusing, but they have a sweet neck pad, it is so nice, it makes the changes of gyms more worth while than the money.  It actually has a valcro strip to hold it on.  Lifetime had these pad the just sor tof hung there.  I would spend so much time trying to keep them on the bar, it was a real pain in the ass.

The dead lift rack keeps the bar too high though, so I had to drag it to the middle of the floor to be able to get low.  I saw one guy doing DLs with 95 lbs.   When he was done, I warmed up at 135 and then did 205 for 2×10. 

By then end I felt good about myself and my weak work out.  I wonder I will run iinto any big guys on the weekends or nights when I go?  It was good to be the king for an hour.  I went home and got depressed for a couple of hours.

It just occurred to me to say Thank  you to all of you who have said some nice things or not said anything, just commented here and there.

On another website, there is a group of "Recently Widowed".  We complain to each other about some of the things people say.  No, it’s not anyone’s fault and in most cases there is no intent.  But still, hearing some things can really set us off.  Like,  "is there something I can do?"  We know what you mean, we really do, but unless you can turn back time, don’t say that.

A friend came over the day before my birthday.  After she left, she sent me an e-mail telling me how painful it was to not talk when she wanted to say something.  It seemed everything had a good shot at being worng t say.  I told her it probably would have been wrong to say.

But here on BB.com, it’s different.  No one here can say, "is there something I can do?"  Because you can’t, so why say it.  You are not offering to come over and clean the house, because you have no idea where I live.  So you have to come up with something else to say, for instance, "glad you are getting back in the gym" or "don’t worry about the weight, you can get it back later".  The impersonal nature of this place is a perfect comfort. 

So Thank you for caring.

Michel

Meals for the day.

Protein shake - 1 scoop, banana, 3 strawberries, and a bit of honey

Cereal - 1 cup raisin bran, 1/2 whole milk

then in the car

protein bar and fruit and nut bar

then a bit later in the car

protein shake RTD

got home

1 cup shrimp with cocktail sauce

plate of baked french fries from frozen with mozzeralla and groovy (it’s a canada thing I learned to eat)

that’s quite a few cals and mostly clean

more food to come yet, it’s still early

stopped in at a machine shop owned by a high school friend.  I need four plexy lids for vases.  each vase contains dried flowers - 3 from the hospital when she was diagnosed, and 1 very large one almost 2 feet tall with flowers from the funeral home, it is topped off with two red roses one for me and one for her.  With the plexy lids, I can seal them for preservation.  the big one is now my most prized possession.  Bob thinks he can do it for me.

Stopped in at a cabinet shop.  I had always promised Audrey I would buy an Island cabinet for the kitchen.  We never had the money, well I have two life insurance checks coming in, so I am buying her island cabinet.  the counter top will hangover 6 inches so I can put 3 stools next to it for a very family like gathering spot.  I know she is watching and will love it.  I breaks my heart that she can’t be here physically to enjoy it.

went to a client’s store. a religious bookstore.  she is going out of business.  everything is internet now.  I bought two Bible Promise for Men books for the boys, two similar books for the girls, and a Bible Promise for Men book for me bound in faux leather.   I also bought a monogrammed white bible for my youngest one who will be celebrating her first communion in a few months.   Karen wanted to give them to me for free.  I said, "I didn’t drive all this way to put you out of business."  she just laughed, we are going out of business anyway.  Still.

Stopped in to see my grumpiest client.  his biggest mistake is not listening to me, now he blames me, go figure.  oh well, he’ll still be my client anyway because he is loyal to my family and couldn’t bare to use someone else.  Still, would be nice if he would take credit for saying no when I said you should sell.

went grocery shopping.  still don’t know what I am doing there.  I know how to feed me, but how do you feed 4 kids.  that was never my job before. 

i have tomorrow planned out.  get the kids out.  got to the shrink.  go to the gym (first time in over 2 months, and my last time was just to cancel membership at the old gym).   come home to shower.  go to job interview.  meet old friend for coffee (not allowed to drink alcohol, i risk going into a coma from the scrip drugs).  then go to a board meeting for a club.  first full day away from the house.  mother-in-law is coming for 3 days to take care of me (and the kids).  On my own on Friday and the weekend.  At least I am going to the gym one time.

It’s out there, I know it.  but there is all this white stuff on top of everything.  Planning on sending my sons out to find it momentarily.  I’ll probably go too, purely for the pleasure of throwing snowballs at them while they work. 

Shut up!  These are not your kids!  I can raise them anyway I want!  I choose to pelt them with snowballs - Ha!

afterward I will make some scalding hot chocolate and laugh when they burn their mouths.  OK, that’s a bit over the top.  Besides, I want to drink some too….

Now, once we find said vehicle, we will need to work on the entire 120 x 16 driveway, so that said vehicle will be of use tomorrow in the am. 

We also have to find the stump where we tie out the dog.  Either that or someone has to stand out there in the cold and wait for her - and it won’t be me.

I am a lot weaker than I was, but I can still hammer curl 40 lbs in alternating arms for 4 reps each.  Then I backed it up without stopping and doing 10 bent over rows at full bend.  It felt good.  I think there will be more sets today.

However, the eagle has landed…. on the couch…. again!

Watching the President doing his last press conference.  He wishes the premier elect all the best.  I don’t.  I hope he fails miserably - yes I know that would be bad for me, but if he is successful, it would be worse for me, so…..

I have the diary (oh I am sorry, men call it a journal) that my firend Suzanne gave me.  She wants me to continue writing.  Did you know Francis Scott Keyes wrote poetry when he was nervous.  He some some of his best work while sitting in the defending attorney spot for Raymond Burr when he dueled and killed Alexander Hamilton.  What a shame, Hamilton would have been a great President - of course the civil war would have been in 1820 instead.  Anyway, I do my best stuff when nervous too, but lately, even being nervous doesn’t do it.  I guess there won’t be any Star Spangled Banner type stuff any time soon.

I will get soon, I promise.  I have to go to the post office.

DB raises with 40’s 1×10

Bent over rows with 40’s (full bend) 1×10

now that my meds are proper, I am feeling like doing things.  I actually get up more.  Still have my breakdowns - why are there so many songs on the radio that do that?

Taking the kids to their first shrink appointment today.  That sucks that they have to do this.

My sister-in-law and I were IMing last night and we decided to look up "fear of crowds".  ready for it, here it comes - enochlophobia. 

No, I don’t have a fear of being trampled, or contracting a deadly virus.  I just feel small and insignificant.  At least at home, I am the master of my living room.

Some days I leave the house, I am out there, my heart starts racing.  I think, "I shouldn’t have left the house."  not to mention all the times I get lost look for familiar places.

At least though, I did 2 sets.  And I gained one pound eating mostly protein.

today I didn’t even make it here for the morning, I just stayed in bed.  finally had to get out of bed for a Doctor appointment.  then I cam home and plopped on the couch.

I am doing well.  Actually made dinner for the kids today instead of wondering why they were so noisily destroying the kitchen at 6pm.  One is snacking right now - OK it wasn’t that good of a dinner, but it was almost like I was a dad for a few minutes there.

Soon, one of my friends will IM me that it is time to turn over so I don’t get bed sores.

but as soon as my daughters got on the bus, I landed on the couch. 

I am overcome with fear right now.  Just don’t make me go out there.  there are all those people.  it’s too scary.

watching Married with Children now.  let’s see if that cheers me up.

I moslty just sat on the couch.  There were times when I got up and did some housecleaning.  A few phone calls.  Tried to fix the TV, there is a lot of static coming through the speakers.  On the whole, yesterday was not much of a day.

Did sleep last night though.  Was planning to go to work today, really tried to mentally prepare.  Now that today is here, I want to crawl under the covers again.  It looks cold out there.

I will go out and do some exploring though, I have a couple of banks to get to.  And some important phone calls.   and the post office.  it appears to be time to open the envelopes from the viewing now.  I am getting nagged about it a lot, so time to geet a clue.

No workout today.  Same weight as yesterday.  Still feel nauseous.  Will try to eat better today.

Today, at some point, I’ll do the next pushup workout.  Let’s just see how things go.

It was a tough night last night.  My friends came over to hang out.  We got rid of the kids and had some "fun".  I’ve never been the center of attention before.  It was weird to want to tell a story, and everyone wanted to hear it.  I didn’t like it much and though the stories were funny, everyone laughed but me.  I just smiled. 

Took my 8 hour pill at 7 pm thinking it would last until they left.  Good idea, bad idea.  You see, the pill affects me for 5 hours not 8.  Then I sit there and feel my adreniline and cortisol start to rage.  I end up wide awake and generally lethargic (that’s an oxymoron).  My legs and arms start the agitation, and I just sit in one place, usually just typing on the computer.  Then at about the 7 and a half hour point, I get confused and instead of taking the next pill, I forget and go 10 hours in the agitated state. 

This time, I was wide awake from 11:30 pm until 2:30.  The exhaustion got me and I fell asleep on the couch after a long IM session with my cousin (I gave her marriage advice, she needs it bad)  Yes, everyone wants relationship advice from me now.   Apparently losing the love of my life has given me total clarity on relationships.  My regrets and shames and successes are what everyone else wants to learn.

Then I woke up and fell asleep and woke up and fell asleep etc for the next 4 hours.  as I sit here, on 4 hours of sleep, wide awake because I am too lazy to go get another pill, I am wathcing one of my favorite movies (Braveheart) and I am not entertained at all.

Time to go get that pill.

That’s it for endocrinology today.  Class dismissed.