TDetroit’s ramblings and nonsense

He used to be in the newspaper business, he was a columnist and a reporter.

I had a blog on carepages.com for the last week of her life and one week afterward. people posted comments.

the funeral home had a website and people posted comments.

the newspaper he worked at had a website with people posting comments

i asked her older sister to deliver a eulogy about her childhood and then I took it from there and told our love story in a eulogy.

there was the Obit he wrote and the history of her cancer from diagnosis to chemo to remission to the cancer coming back to the wasting away. her vacations: tennessee, disney, and our second honeymoon.

he put it all in a book with some pictures, and had books bound. He gave me 8. I love these treasures.

And the crowning touch. the cover was designed by Audrey’s sister’s daughter in her computer design class. Audrey and mine niece. It makes me cry happy tears to look at it.

It was the worst day of my life until this past December 15th. 

I had to go work at a place I absolutely hate.  It is a horrible deplorable place.  she called later to ask when I would get there, and I told her 6:30.  It was cold and I ran across the hospital parking deck.  She was no longer in the emergency room where I left her the night before.

When I walked in, she said the Doctor will be here in a minute.  He walked in instantly, he turned to me and said, "Hi, I am Dr. Aslam".  Then his phone rang, he looked at it and said he’d been waiting for that call all day.  He excused himself from the room

She looked at me and said, "It’s cancer."  I was sitting in a chair.  I became paralyzed.  She said, "it’s colon cancer, and it’s in 80% of my liver and it’s in my lungs."  I knew that was bad.  She kept talking to me, it took some time before I could get up and go sit on the bed with her.

The Dr came in and explained that there could be no operation because what he would have to take out, she could not survive the operation.  He said we would start chemo right away, and that he hoped she would be his patient for a long time, but he didn’t know how long that would be.

It doesn’t hit you right away, infact it didn’t hit me until she was gone.  Sure, I was sad for the whole year, and worried about her and fretted over her and made it the best year of her life.  But, that day was just confusion and lot’s her great perfect hugs and the two of laying in the hospital bed trying to not let the other one know how sad we were.

All of Audrey’s friends who made it to the funeral told me to call anytime - I am an honorary chick now after how I handled the blog we kept for the two weeks in the hospital.

They gave me an envelope with all their contack information.  Funeral was on Saturday, and by Sunday, I needed help.  So I sent out an e-mail to all of them.

The one response that I treasure most is the one from Audrey’s friend Joan.  Her husband passed away 2 years ago in a car accident.  I won’t go into the details, but I didn’t go to the funeral.  So this time, I apologized to Joan.  It was disrespectful to her to not go for the reason that I didn’t.

Now we pass each other on Instant Messaging all the time.  It is so good to have a mentor at a time like this.  What makes it even better, is that our lives are so close.  We have memories together.  These gilrs, who were all high school friends, would get together for a major reunion every couple of years, and they would put all their husbands together and tell us to go have fun.   So we did - barely knowing each other.

Joan went to high school with Audrey, so everything Audrey told me about high school, Joan was there.  It is a blessing to have her little yellow light on my e-mail system. 

What’s amazing though, I never really talked to her before.  8 girls and all their husbands and all the kids.  There was no chance any of us guys really became friends with our wive’s friends.  We just can put the name to the face.

Friends.  Joan has moved to the top of my list for now.  If it is temporary, that’ll do.  I thank God she is here for me.

Tomorrow, I have to go back to the same funeral home.  One of my best friend’s mom passed away on Christmas Eve.  Mrs. N is one of those mom’s who was a mom to all of us.  She kept track of all of us since high school, never missed a wedding,  knew the names of our kids by heart.  I told my friends, all 3 of her sons, I would try to sneak in for a minute, but I just don’t feel social right now.  I don’t like being in public, especially since I keep getting lost when I drive.  But I can’t let tomorrow go without one more time seeing her.  Wish me luck, every task is a struggle.

 Thanks,

 Michel

Well, it happened on December 15th, 2008 at 10:58 pm.  I sat by her side all day.  She couldn’t tallk at first, just laid there doing the heavy breathing called Cheynes-Stokes.  When the breathing starts, it’s just hours away.  She start at 8 am.

It really hurt when her mom leaned in close to her and spoke loudly, "Audrey, it’s ok to let go.  You can go now".   She did that several times over the hours.  I was screaming inside to  stop her, but it was true.  It was time to go. 

She was on the bed, and the nurses positioned her so her head was turned to me.  All she could do all say was stare at me.  I spoke to her and kissed her so many times.  I told her I loved her, she knew that already.

Those last breathes were so peaceful.  She was not desparate, she was in a coma.  She could still hear, so I leaned in and beg her to let go, and go wait for me.  I told her I would earn the right to go be with her.  I hugged that little frail body.  She wasn’t hurting anymore, so I was fianlly after two weeks able to put my arms around her the way I wanted.  I hugged her tight.  Then I set her back down. 

Afterward I was still kissing her cheek over and over.  I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just giving up on her.  If she was still in that body, I wanted her to know I was still there.

I am alone now.  I have all these people who are frineds and family, but it is not the same. 

today, I finally worked out.  Doctors orders.  I have to get the adreniline and cortisone out fo me, or I will explode.  I am so weak.  I have lost fifteen pounds from not eating.  Simple workouts of before are hard now.  I worked so hard to get where I was, now I have to start over.

i am spending the night at the hospital tonight.  my wife had a "rally" yesterday.  that’s when the cancer patient exhibits energy and stregth.  she got out of bed, with help, and sat in a chair.  she tried it several times, but was unable to do it again.

tonight, she breathes regualar for 30 secs, then switches to apnia for 30 secs of 5 or 6 secs between breathes.  I told the nurse, and now she pops in here every 10 -20 minutes to assess.

the next step will be coma, and then a quiet.

it’s 10:30, but I am not tired yet.  i had a starbucks capucchino a bit ago, so i’m in for the haul.

We had the results of the PET Scan today.  My wife’s tumors are growing and spreading. 

The doc broke the news that approved chemotherapies are no longer an option.  they are of no value.  he is not a research oncologist, but he knows many.  he contacted a friend in colo-rectal and gastro oncology to ask if he is participating in any studies for expiremental therapies.  nope.  but he did give up a name of another doc who might be.  my wife’s doc is going to follow the trail as far as it goes.

she is a candidate for being a lab rat becasue she is at the epitomy of health.  everything works great, but she has a lot of tumors that no longer respond to chemotherapies approved for human use. 

gong in for the expiremental stuff could speed things up or slow things down, or just make things incomfortable.  who knows.  the point is there is no approved cures for her condition.  she has looked into the alternative stuff, most cross themselves off the list of possibilities by virtue of what they do versus what she has.  a few try to keep themselves in the game, but a little research and you can see why no one has ever heard of it. 

anyway, what get’s me is my reaction.  i don’t feel anything.  a co-worker shared that when his wife was diagnosed, it was like he had the funeral that day and had to wait for the actual event.  maybe that’s it.   I know I am not in denial.  I seem to be the only person in the room who understood what the doc was saying.  he’s done all he can do.  if he can’t find an expirement for her to donate her body to, then she just needs to go home and wait.

so, am i normal?  is it ok to be so jaded?  is there something wrong with me?  i sure hope not. 

the wife has gone into emergency mode.  she thinks she will be gone in a few weeks.  doesn’t matter what anyone says, she keeps fixating on it.

the doc appointment is tomorrow morning.  I keep trying to get her to wait until then to pass judgement on her life coming to an end, but she is worried like a mother hen. 

I had a conversatin with a friend who is a veteran survivor, she said she will call and talk to my wife and give her a kick in the ass.  you can’t think about stuff like that.  keep busy with projects or doing things you always wanted to do.  the idea is to be too busy to die.  it really works too.  all science ponts to just keep going. you can trick you body into not being ready to go.

she’s all busy writing down her schedule and the kids schedule and scolding me for being too demanding of the kids to clean their rooms and eat everything on their plates.  she thinks they are not ready for that.  I think at 14 and 12 and even the 10 year old, those demands are not too much.  the 7 year old, I give a bit of leeway, but she get’s hers too.  really, it’s just different upbringings.  I grew up on a farm with unreliable electricity.  we were always prepared for the power to go out in the winter and we would be on fireplace power for a few days. 

at their age, I was carring bushells of potatoes and tomatoes across the feild to the house.  I was feeding the cattle and chickens without being told.  I slaughtered over 1000 chickens per year.  my kids unload the dishwasher once in a while.

My wife grew up in a subdivision.  they had a pool and spent all day playing. once in a while they had to unload the dishwasher.

so the hard part is to convince her that it is ok to demand the kids do some work - especially homework.

the condensed time frame we are dealing with is coming out in the form of different expectations of the kids.  she is afraid I will win by default - I guess I will, but that is not something she should be threatened by.  I want her to concentrate on keeping busy.

any advice?

when we got home from gatlinburg, we unpacked and got the kids settled.  she was brushing her teeth, and I came in and sat down and watched her.  she was real suspicious.

when she came over, she had a pissy attitude.  she new what was coming.  i had her sit on my lap and told her I had something to tell her.  she sat down, and siad, "you did talk to the doctor didn’t you?  and you didn’t want to ruin my vacation."

yeah.  I told her I just wanted her to enjoy her time with the kids and not worry about the cancer and the up coming chemo.  I set her appointment with the oncologist for tuesday morning, and called her mom to come to that appointment.  everything was all set.

there was lot’s of crying.  she thinks this is the end.  she is all worried that I don’t know the kids schedule.  of course they haven’t even started school yet, so she doesn’t know it either, but don’t let that stop her from worrying about me not knowing it.

I set up her computer a long time ago for her to be able to write letters to the kids in an organized fashion for me to distribute them later.  she said she doesn’t know if she can do that.  so I said, start with one that is a long way off.  like our youngest one’s wedding.  she know’s intuitievely there is no way she will be there for that whether the chemo is succesful or not.  so it is an easy one to do.  then work from there.  she agreed.  hopefully this project will be a success.  I don’t want to raise them without her.

Sunday is the day I do squats.  sometimes I push it off until monday.  but the bronchitis has me out of the gym for a few days.  so I’ll be late to the gym for squats.  with the dead line for the charity coming up, I only have this workout left to train for my new max.  I already know I blew away my goal, but it would be nice to get that last session in and really hit it hard.

instead, i am at home with my head feeling like it is going to explode.  the antibiotics are leaving a taste in my mouth like I’ve been licking a copper pipe coated in amonia.  my whole body hurts and I don’t think I have teh balance to do squats and won’t have it for a few days.

but I did spend a lot of time organizing the pics on my computer.  with the wife having cancer, I have taken a lot of pics (just for me type - to remember her)  and I made a movie of her on movie maker.   it won’t be the same thing, but i confess, as much trouble as she is, I will miss her like few people can understand.

The old lady came home from the hospital late last night.  Well, 6 pm, but we live far enough that going back to town to go to the gym is a waste of gas, so I’ll go today after work.

The long and short of the visit.  To ba able to look at her appendix appropriately, they had to do a Catscan.  The tumor in the cecum looks normal, and is still pushing on the appendix.  The appendix is still a little inflamed, but it is within the tolerance of normal inflamation.  The surgeon, doesn’t want to do any unnecessary surgeires.  (weird, he turned down business because of honesty - who would’ve thought). 

He looked at the catscan, and decided there is no threat to lifef from the appendix and therefore there should be no surgery - especially for a stage 4 cancer patient.

Then the oncologist office called yesterday, they look at the tumors in the liver.   Apparently, there is just one tumor that decided to grow since the end of chemo.  The doc wants her to come in right away.  Could be going back to chemo, or something else.