TDetroit’s ramblings and nonsense

NO! not woohoo!  Damn.

No food for 36 hours, except water, tea and 64 oz of gatorade loaded with laxatives. 

Sit on the toilet and let the flourescent yellow gatorade flow straight though - I doubt it was drinkable.

I will eat a lot around 10 am.  Surprisingly, I am not all that hungry, 64 oz of gatorade does that to you.  I have supplies in my coat pocket - chocolate, chocolate, starbursts, chocolate.  You need these things after you loose your virginity.  That’s what I’m told.   Though it would be more romantic if the Doctor bought the chocolate…

I wish me luck.  If you want her to go easy on me, wish that.  If you want her to slap my ass and call me bitch… well same to you too.

No, not with a woman.  No, not with a man. 

It’s a 9 foot long cameral.  Yes, colonoscopy time.  woohoo! 

They told me I won’t remember anything.  Darn!  I really wanted to remember losing my virginity.

My last meal was last night at 10 pm.  RTD Protein shake.   I figured to get started on the all liquid stuff right away. 

For the rest of today, it’s all clear liquids.  Tea, water, fruit juices.  I have learned from previous experiences that San Pelligrino and Perrier are great for a cleanse.  So I have two bottle of SP.  I will be ready for my well endowed date by tomorrow morning - though I will be a bit tired and weak.  I hope he goes easy on me.

Oh, it’s a she.  I forgot.  The Doc is a she.  That makes it so much better.  A woman with a 9 foot long strap-on. 

How does one choose to be a Doctor with this specialty.  Now I’m scared.  She could have been and OB, or a Plastic Surgeon, but she chose to weild a 9 foot long strap-on.  Hmmm.  So, I will be unconscious and at the mercy of a nutcase woman with a domination complex.  I am not sure about this.  I hope she has a good shrink who keeps her on the proper meds.  If she slaps my butt and calls me a bitch, that should be a clue - don’t you think.

Do you think she’ll be wearing thigh high spiked heeled boots and bustier.  that would make it worth it - maybe.  Oh, and that bright red lipstick.

I hope I get an erection.  No I don’t.  Wait.  What’s the protocol on this one.  Should I be excited about the woman with the 9 foot long strap-on, or repulsed by the 9 foot long strap-on, irrespective of who it is strapped to. 

I need some male input on this.  I don’t really know the rules on this one.  Never encountered it before.  I sure as hell don’t want to get kicked out of the club for getting or not getting an erection inappropriately.  It’s difficult enough to control that thing when I do know the rules.  Now I have a situation where I don’t know the rules.  WHAT ARE THE RULES?

national gym chain.  I looked at the map, there are a lot clustered in the Detroit area, and a lot spread out in California - so if I ever get to the land liberal intolerant people, at least I’ll have a gym.

it was funny, she was giving me the prices and she was nervous like- this is expensive and another person might turn me down.  I was thinking, "I just came from lifetime.  What I paid there in 3 months is more than my whole year here.  Sign me up before you figure it out."

it is not as lifestyle like as lifetime.  there is no spa, cafeteria, massage rooms, tanning beds or even locker rooms.  The lockers are out in the open and there are 2 changing rooms nearby.  that’s it. 

she was laughing about the segragation.   "here is all the cardio the women use.   and here is the weight area for the men."  at least she got that part right.  

it is not 24 hours like lifetime, but I was not a middle of the nighter anyway.  though the early closing on Saturday and Sunday may come into play (7 pm)  I’ll have to bug them about it. 

I wonder if they offer franchises.  Maybe I can do that instead of my current employment.  let’s face it.  single parents cannot have variable schedules.  hmmm.

anyway, I joined a new gym.  See, I actually did do something for me.  let’s see how it goes.

I was looking at my cereal boxes on top of the fridge.  You know when you are staring at something and not thinking - well women don’t know what I mean, they are always thinking.  But guys, you know when you are not thinking?

Anyway, a thought popped into my head.  When I was weak and could barely lift any respectable weights, I knew that I had smarts, and I could at least figure out the diet thing.  breakfast used to be a protein shake and 1 cup of cereal with 1/2 cup of whole milk.  I was putting on weight - muscle not fat - and getting stronger and more muscular. 

I got away from the cereal to try and lose the fat around the mid section.

so, here I am, eating junk food daily to preserve my precious pounds.  2 protein shakes per day.  some sort of meat once per day and lot’s of carbs - and barely holding that line at 169/170.

A thought occurred to me, why am I not eating the cereal.  Raisin Bran.  It’s good for you, it has vitamins and minerals, the raisins are super good for you, bran (what can you say, especially with all the drugs I am hopped up on), milk - and most importantly, calories in the morning.

Always, at the worst time in my life, I would say, "go back to the beginning."  Meaning go back to before it got bad.  Then fix it.  well, I can’t fix this that’s for damn sure.   but I can go back to the body beginning.  I need to stay healthy for just 15-18 years.  by then the youngest one will be settled in her life and on her own with all the instruction I can ever give her and the other 3 kids.  

Then who cares, I don’t want to be here after that.  I want to be there, you know the place where there is no pain, and love grows on trees.   Bells ring and angels get their wings.  don’t worry, I know the rules - If I force the issue, I have to go to the other place.  I am stuck here until I get my precious ticket.  the most wonderful thing a person can ever get.  it is not a time of sadness for the one leaving, look where they get to go.  It is only sad for those of us who didn’t get a ticket.  It is not envy, it is disappointment at not being chosen.  Why not me?  I promise to be good.  Just let me in. 

Not for me, I am here for the long haul.  confused as hell.  scared of my own shadow.  hopped on drugs so that I won’t be a danger to the kids.   But here, until I get called. 

So, I eat cereal and stay healthy.  that’s my job for today.  tomorrow I will be a better mom - boy did I nearly f it up today.  It was a close one.  I hope no one calls social serices because I am so bad at this.  I needed scissors to be able to comb her hair, and I was watching for the bus at the same time while making her scream everytime I accidently yanked a tangle.  oops.  Better planning next time - that would be tomorrow.

I am a lot weaker than I was, but I can still hammer curl 40 lbs in alternating arms for 4 reps each.  Then I backed it up without stopping and doing 10 bent over rows at full bend.  It felt good.  I think there will be more sets today.

However, the eagle has landed…. on the couch…. again!

Watching the President doing his last press conference.  He wishes the premier elect all the best.  I don’t.  I hope he fails miserably - yes I know that would be bad for me, but if he is successful, it would be worse for me, so…..

I have the diary (oh I am sorry, men call it a journal) that my firend Suzanne gave me.  She wants me to continue writing.  Did you know Francis Scott Keyes wrote poetry when he was nervous.  He some some of his best work while sitting in the defending attorney spot for Raymond Burr when he dueled and killed Alexander Hamilton.  What a shame, Hamilton would have been a great President - of course the civil war would have been in 1820 instead.  Anyway, I do my best stuff when nervous too, but lately, even being nervous doesn’t do it.  I guess there won’t be any Star Spangled Banner type stuff any time soon.

I will get soon, I promise.  I have to go to the post office.

I go tso distracted with everything else.  I was putting away Christmas decorations.  but what really got me was that my mom was coming over to open the envelopes and help send out the thank you cards.

I have been so terrified of those.  they represent finality!  once those are done, it really will feel like it’s over and she is gone. 

OK.  I have to get off the couch and decide what will be for dinner tomorrow.  And I should probably eat some carbs too.  don’t worry, I have some shrimp already thawed and RTD’s at the ready.

DB raises with 40’s 1×10

Bent over rows with 40’s (full bend) 1×10

now that my meds are proper, I am feeling like doing things.  I actually get up more.  Still have my breakdowns - why are there so many songs on the radio that do that?

Taking the kids to their first shrink appointment today.  That sucks that they have to do this.

My sister-in-law and I were IMing last night and we decided to look up "fear of crowds".  ready for it, here it comes - enochlophobia. 

No, I don’t have a fear of being trampled, or contracting a deadly virus.  I just feel small and insignificant.  At least at home, I am the master of my living room.

Some days I leave the house, I am out there, my heart starts racing.  I think, "I shouldn’t have left the house."  not to mention all the times I get lost look for familiar places.

At least though, I did 2 sets.  And I gained one pound eating mostly protein.

here’s a new endocrinology lesson for you.

My sister-in-law believes I should be taking Effexor at this time because it works on serotonin and norepinephrin.  My Doc has me on Lexapro, it works just on serotonin.  She’s a almost psychologist who got bit by a deer tick and has limes disease, so she just sleeps most of the day.  He wants the Lexapro because it works faster.  I am going with the Doc until my pschologist sends me to a pschiatrist for a medical evaluation.

Anyway, not enough to just take pills, I go do the research.

OK, let’s back up just a bit.  Remember cholesterol is your friend.  It repairs your arteries (if you have the right ratios of HDL, LDL, and VLDL), and it is the basic building block to all hormones.  There are hundreds of hormones in your body, not just T, E, and Progesterone.

Got that?

Turns out the second building block to hormones is trytophan.  (Turkey)  Someone posted recently that the turkey/trytophan link is a myth.  Wrong.  Tryptophan is present in anyway you get protein - meats and legumes. 

Trytophan is the most important part of serotonin.  What is serotonin.  We cannot watch or sample a living brain, but in depressed people, serotonin levels in the blood are lower.  so by inference (best guess) they must be lower in the brain.  Serotonin is what creates the pathways in the brain to keep things moving.  The hypothalmus must send messages to the different lobes and glands in the brain to keep your happiness, without serotonin, that can’t happen.

So, eat tryptophan and all problems are solved.  Wrong.  Tryptophan is so in demand, your body will use it for your physical health prior to your mental health.  ( I learned that when I lived in the hospital with Audrey- the heart and lungs are very greedy, and they will kill the rest of your body if there is a threat to their supplies). 

So, to get the tryptophan to get used for serotonin, you need to eat carbs.  Carbs will energize your body and trick it into letting the tryptophan go to serotonin production. 

Now let’s look at what happens in 2 situations.  Depression and Ketosis.

Depression.  You land on the couch like me, forgetting to eat, feeling weak, not thinking about anything productive.   Without the carbs, the little nutrition I get gives me my tryptophan, but none is going to serotonin to make me happy.  Ergo the SSRI Lexapro.  Until my eating regulates and my energy comes back, I will need pharmaceutical supplementation. 

Ketosis.  You are depriving your body of carbs, so all of your tryptophan goes to the rest of your hormones, but the brain get’s no serotonin, and you get bitchy - even the guys.

Now it all makes sense.  The mess is in your head, and it is real.  For the competitions, just get through it.  I always tell people to apologize beforehand, this way you’ll still have friends afterward.

for depression, get your nutrients, especially your carbs.  go back to the 30/50/20 ratio.  30 protein, 50 carbs, and 20 fats.  notice how I flipped the competition numbers there.  When you are depressed, you need to fix your head instead of maintaining your body.  Go for the carbs with just enough protein to keep it all going.

Now, can anyone tell me how to get off this damn couch.

today I didn’t even make it here for the morning, I just stayed in bed.  finally had to get out of bed for a Doctor appointment.  then I cam home and plopped on the couch.

I am doing well.  Actually made dinner for the kids today instead of wondering why they were so noisily destroying the kitchen at 6pm.  One is snacking right now - OK it wasn’t that good of a dinner, but it was almost like I was a dad for a few minutes there.

Soon, one of my friends will IM me that it is time to turn over so I don’t get bed sores.

but as soon as my daughters got on the bus, I landed on the couch. 

I am overcome with fear right now.  Just don’t make me go out there.  there are all those people.  it’s too scary.

watching Married with Children now.  let’s see if that cheers me up.