TDetroit’s ramblings and nonsense

I got all messed up with my medications.  Because they knock me out, I have to plan ahead.  Push an hour here, delay and hour there.  I have to think 3 days ahead and plan for the best schedule.  I take one every 8 hours unless I am sleeping the night.  There’s the problem.  I sleep through the pill time and then wake up and can’t sleep.  So now I am taking one 4 hours late and I am totally shifted.

Weekends are not what they used to be.  There used to be another adult here.  We could plan.  I will go to the gym, when I get back you go shopping.  Now, it’s I’d like to go to the gym and do the shopping, but who will be here to stop the kids from fighting.

I wish winter would end.  We are snapping at each other over everything.  We are all locked in here and bothering each other. 

I am getting some muscle back.  I posted new pics the other day.  I’ve lost a lot of size.  Sucks.  170 again this morning.  Can’t break out of this cycle.  In fact.  I am going to stop typing now and go make an omelette….

He used to be in the newspaper business, he was a columnist and a reporter.

I had a blog on carepages.com for the last week of her life and one week afterward. people posted comments.

the funeral home had a website and people posted comments.

the newspaper he worked at had a website with people posting comments

i asked her older sister to deliver a eulogy about her childhood and then I took it from there and told our love story in a eulogy.

there was the Obit he wrote and the history of her cancer from diagnosis to chemo to remission to the cancer coming back to the wasting away. her vacations: tennessee, disney, and our second honeymoon.

he put it all in a book with some pictures, and had books bound. He gave me 8. I love these treasures.

And the crowning touch. the cover was designed by Audrey’s sister’s daughter in her computer design class. Audrey and mine niece. It makes me cry happy tears to look at it.

Yesterday I went to the gym.  no cardio, just a full body work out. 

I did my favorite calf work out.  standing bb calf raises, with toes on a plate.  so imagine it.  your feet are negative and you are holding a bb with a lot of weight.  warmed up with 135x 10, then went to 185 2×15.  weak.  I was doing 3×15 at 245. 

My calves are sore today.  can’t wait for next week, hope to get the weights higher and higher and get back to normal.

 Got my weight up to 173 as well.  getting back in shape - physically.  mentally still a mess.

It was the worst day of my life until this past December 15th. 

I had to go work at a place I absolutely hate.  It is a horrible deplorable place.  she called later to ask when I would get there, and I told her 6:30.  It was cold and I ran across the hospital parking deck.  She was no longer in the emergency room where I left her the night before.

When I walked in, she said the Doctor will be here in a minute.  He walked in instantly, he turned to me and said, "Hi, I am Dr. Aslam".  Then his phone rang, he looked at it and said he’d been waiting for that call all day.  He excused himself from the room

She looked at me and said, "It’s cancer."  I was sitting in a chair.  I became paralyzed.  She said, "it’s colon cancer, and it’s in 80% of my liver and it’s in my lungs."  I knew that was bad.  She kept talking to me, it took some time before I could get up and go sit on the bed with her.

The Dr came in and explained that there could be no operation because what he would have to take out, she could not survive the operation.  He said we would start chemo right away, and that he hoped she would be his patient for a long time, but he didn’t know how long that would be.

It doesn’t hit you right away, infact it didn’t hit me until she was gone.  Sure, I was sad for the whole year, and worried about her and fretted over her and made it the best year of her life.  But, that day was just confusion and lot’s her great perfect hugs and the two of laying in the hospital bed trying to not let the other one know how sad we were.

It was right after therapy.  I swear the woman breaks me down intentionally.  It’s 10 minute drive to the gym from her office, I was still crying when I got there.  She told me that at my next Doc appointment, I need to ask for a higher dose of anti-depressants.  Apparently, breaking me down is too easy.

So I was there in the wrong frame of mind.  Sadness can make you weak.  You should try it sometime.  Hold your arms out (make a T with your body), think the saddest thought you can and then have a friend press your arms down to your sides.  You should try to resist while you think these thoughts.  Your frined will find it easy to press your arms down.  Then do it again while thinking happy thoughts especially thought about when you did something your are proud of.  Your frined will not find it so easy this time.  I saw a weak old man do it to Derek Engler.  He played fo-line or the New York Giants when they won the Super Bowl in 2000(?) or 99.  His positive thought was the touch down play that went through him.  O don’t remember the weak thought, but the old man pressed this giant’s arms down like the giant wasn’t even trying.

So, here I am in the gym, with teary eyes trying to lift.  I was embarrassingly weak.  Shit stuff I did for warm ups I couldn’t do the sets for a real work out.  I was doing 3×10 squats at 225 with a quarter rep between each rep.  (that’s a serious work out with those quarters)  All I did was 1×5 at 205 with quarters.

By the end, I had left it all on the floor, but these were not the lifts I was doing 2 months ago. 

The good news is that a bunch of the new tunes came up on the iPod.  So that cheered me up.  Hungryy for Heavan by Dio.  If you only knew…  No, I don’t want to die, I just want to go see Audrey.  It would be nice if there were visitation rules or at least a phone call once a year.

Surfacing by Slipknot.  F*** you all!  that will pump you up.  It’s an angry song.  I believe that song ws playing just before the Premier took his oath to enslve all of us in equal poverty.  You goot alove that Joe the racist Biden was actually in charge for 10 minutes.  He’s the handler you know.  There are no elitist democrats who honestly believe a black man can hold the White House efficiently.  Not like us conservatives who have a dozen that we have lined up only to get shot down by dumb liberal voters.  Michael Steele was being groomed for the Presidency, but he MA idiots who vote blindly voted against him and derailed the dream.  The good news is no one shot Obama before the oath.  Could you imagine Biden in the big chair.  We would all have to move to Australia to escape the hypocrisy, and elitism, and aristocracy - and don’t forget he’s a racist.

Anyway, these are the thoughts in my head my head while trying to work out.  I was embarrassingly weak, but…. I was the big in the gym.  The DB’s at my end of the rack were all mine, no one elses.  The other guys were working out with light weights.  I didn’t see anyone breaking a sweat.  Then there are the lifts that I do.  These guys have apparently never seen bent over DB rows before.  Or Arnold Presses.  The squat rack was a bit confusing, but they have a sweet neck pad, it is so nice, it makes the changes of gyms more worth while than the money.  It actually has a valcro strip to hold it on.  Lifetime had these pad the just sor tof hung there.  I would spend so much time trying to keep them on the bar, it was a real pain in the ass.

The dead lift rack keeps the bar too high though, so I had to drag it to the middle of the floor to be able to get low.  I saw one guy doing DLs with 95 lbs.   When he was done, I warmed up at 135 and then did 205 for 2×10. 

By then end I felt good about myself and my weak work out.  I wonder I will run iinto any big guys on the weekends or nights when I go?  It was good to be the king for an hour.  I went home and got depressed for a couple of hours.

It just occurred to me to say Thank  you to all of you who have said some nice things or not said anything, just commented here and there.

On another website, there is a group of "Recently Widowed".  We complain to each other about some of the things people say.  No, it’s not anyone’s fault and in most cases there is no intent.  But still, hearing some things can really set us off.  Like,  "is there something I can do?"  We know what you mean, we really do, but unless you can turn back time, don’t say that.

A friend came over the day before my birthday.  After she left, she sent me an e-mail telling me how painful it was to not talk when she wanted to say something.  It seemed everything had a good shot at being worng t say.  I told her it probably would have been wrong to say.

But here on BB.com, it’s different.  No one here can say, "is there something I can do?"  Because you can’t, so why say it.  You are not offering to come over and clean the house, because you have no idea where I live.  So you have to come up with something else to say, for instance, "glad you are getting back in the gym" or "don’t worry about the weight, you can get it back later".  The impersonal nature of this place is a perfect comfort. 

So Thank you for caring.

Michel

Meals for the day.

Protein shake - 1 scoop, banana, 3 strawberries, and a bit of honey

Cereal - 1 cup raisin bran, 1/2 whole milk

then in the car

protein bar and fruit and nut bar

then a bit later in the car

protein shake RTD

got home

1 cup shrimp with cocktail sauce

plate of baked french fries from frozen with mozzeralla and groovy (it’s a canada thing I learned to eat)

that’s quite a few cals and mostly clean

more food to come yet, it’s still early

stopped in at a machine shop owned by a high school friend.  I need four plexy lids for vases.  each vase contains dried flowers - 3 from the hospital when she was diagnosed, and 1 very large one almost 2 feet tall with flowers from the funeral home, it is topped off with two red roses one for me and one for her.  With the plexy lids, I can seal them for preservation.  the big one is now my most prized possession.  Bob thinks he can do it for me.

Stopped in at a cabinet shop.  I had always promised Audrey I would buy an Island cabinet for the kitchen.  We never had the money, well I have two life insurance checks coming in, so I am buying her island cabinet.  the counter top will hangover 6 inches so I can put 3 stools next to it for a very family like gathering spot.  I know she is watching and will love it.  I breaks my heart that she can’t be here physically to enjoy it.

went to a client’s store. a religious bookstore.  she is going out of business.  everything is internet now.  I bought two Bible Promise for Men books for the boys, two similar books for the girls, and a Bible Promise for Men book for me bound in faux leather.   I also bought a monogrammed white bible for my youngest one who will be celebrating her first communion in a few months.   Karen wanted to give them to me for free.  I said, "I didn’t drive all this way to put you out of business."  she just laughed, we are going out of business anyway.  Still.

Stopped in to see my grumpiest client.  his biggest mistake is not listening to me, now he blames me, go figure.  oh well, he’ll still be my client anyway because he is loyal to my family and couldn’t bare to use someone else.  Still, would be nice if he would take credit for saying no when I said you should sell.

went grocery shopping.  still don’t know what I am doing there.  I know how to feed me, but how do you feed 4 kids.  that was never my job before. 

i have tomorrow planned out.  get the kids out.  got to the shrink.  go to the gym (first time in over 2 months, and my last time was just to cancel membership at the old gym).   come home to shower.  go to job interview.  meet old friend for coffee (not allowed to drink alcohol, i risk going into a coma from the scrip drugs).  then go to a board meeting for a club.  first full day away from the house.  mother-in-law is coming for 3 days to take care of me (and the kids).  On my own on Friday and the weekend.  At least I am going to the gym one time.

You would thnk sitting around all day eating carbs and watching football would cause a person to gain weight.

That’s it!  I am starting on a diet of strick potato chips.  Morning noon and night.  6 meals a day, just chips with salt, keetle chips too.  6000 cals a day.  artery clogging trans fats.

Unless someone says something inspirational to talk me off the ledge…

It’s out there, I know it.  but there is all this white stuff on top of everything.  Planning on sending my sons out to find it momentarily.  I’ll probably go too, purely for the pleasure of throwing snowballs at them while they work. 

Shut up!  These are not your kids!  I can raise them anyway I want!  I choose to pelt them with snowballs - Ha!

afterward I will make some scalding hot chocolate and laugh when they burn their mouths.  OK, that’s a bit over the top.  Besides, I want to drink some too….

Now, once we find said vehicle, we will need to work on the entire 120 x 16 driveway, so that said vehicle will be of use tomorrow in the am. 

We also have to find the stump where we tie out the dog.  Either that or someone has to stand out there in the cold and wait for her - and it won’t be me.

I am wondering what all those women thought of a guys ass that can squat 350 lbs.  My wife took some pics for me - no, I’m not allowed to post them - but I was sure impressed with it.

Anyway, I am no longer a virgin, and I have pictures to prove it.

All "clean" bill of health.  Prescription to come back in 5 years.  Apparently she likes me. 

Nope, I don’t feel uncomfortable.  So guys, if a woman says …. well…. tell her I said it’s no problem.

The only problem was going off the anti-anxiety meds for the procedure.  I am supposed to take a happy every 8 hours.  the last was at 10:30 last night.  by the time I was laying on the bed waiting, I was a mess.  Plus, being the same Doctor who was trying to diagnose Audrey - even though it would have been way too late - I was even more emotional.  I was crying the whole time before and after.  Couldn’t stop.  Dr B was so nice.  She came over just to hold my hand.  She was heart broken that she couldn’t have been called 2 years or more earlier to save Audrey.

I remembered while I was there.  Years ago, I had complained about some stomach pains.  I didn’t think much of it.  Audrey got me in to the Doctor.  They scheduled a sigmoid (that’s a small 18 inch strap-on) and a Barium enema (that’s for taking pictures).  It occurs to me.  Look how she took care of my colon.  How could she have possibly forgotten to ask for her own tests?   The nurse there told me, "because she was too busy taking care of everyone else." 

I don’t know what to say to that.