TDetroit’s ramblings and nonsense

Still in a "the hole", still sitting on the couch. 

I did manage to do 3 of the 4 supersets on the perfect pushup this monring.  Just can’t get off the couch to do that last one.

I ate better today.  Got my calories.  Had a shake for breakfast.  Left over Turkey, Stuffing and Potatos with gravy for late lunch.  and Tyson chicken nuggets and caramel popcorn just now for dinner.   Later will be icecream with rootbeer, maybe a slice of pie or some pizza rolls.  Hey, at least I am getting my calories, I can clean up when I climb out of "the hole".

I said her favorite prayer today.  for the last 3 days I’ve been wondering where her keys got lost to.  She was always losing things, and she would pray to St. Anthony:

St. Anthony, St. Anthony

Please come around

Something was lost

and needs to be found.

I said it, and walked into the kitchen, the keys were on the countertop next to a stack of her papers that were leaning slightly over top of the keys, slightly obscurring them.  I know I would have seen them over the last 3 days…

I am awake and hungry and can’t stand the thought of eating.   Laying in bed with the laptop on my knees doing nothing productive.

I did manage to eat some yesterday.  I think I manage 1000 calories give or take.  It was such an effort to get to 169 lbs in the first place - exactly 21 years.  Now I am back to it, down from 184. 

Yesterday was supposed to be pull.  Back excercises.  I did move the DBs out of the way.  does that count?  I don’t think so.  Just a bunch of couch work and some shivering - thermostat must be set too low. 

Most of my food is liquid protein, so the waste isn’t all that fun either.  I just feel sick.  Audrey loved this time of year, it isn’t fair that she couldn’t be here to do her own Christmas.

What’s really amazing is that for the few days that I have actually been left in charge of the kids, no one got hurt.  Audrey was the parent, I was just this guy who wandered in in the late evenings and stayed around for weekends.  I don’t know jack about this stuff.  Over the summer and the beginning of the school year, I really thought my training was coming along.  she was letting me handle a lot of this stuff.  Training is no where near like the real thing.  I can’t just wander into the kitchen when I am hungry, I have to think about meals all day long, and plan the next few days in advance - all while being sick to my stomach with stress. 

forgot to take my happy candy yesterday.  I am not even a good addict.  the candy is highly addictive and I’ve been on it long enough to be hooked, probably will need a 12 step when it’s all said and done, but I forget to take my candy at the time.  then when I do take it, it wears of 2 hours early and all I can think about for an hour and a half is my candy.  then the last half hour I forget and take it 2 hours late, or like yesterday, 8 hours late.  How crappy is that.

Going to get up soon.  Today is push day.  That means perfect pushups.  Hopefully I’ll get a full work out.  My go to the basement and get on the machine.  It has 2 positions, one for leg work - kind of a cardio/bodyweight leg press, or back work - bodyweight rowing.  If I can do a few sets at 3 min in the leg position, maybe my legs will stay in the game until I am out of this hole.  (that’s what we in the widow world call it)

Audrey was diagnosed on January 25th, 2008.  As she went throught the chemo, she developed sensitivity to hot and cold.  So I adjusted the shower to make her comfortable.  Mostly I turned down the hot so that she couldn’t scald herself, and the cold stayed where it was - the shower stayed mostly warm when she used it.

Well, as the weather warmed up, not having too hot of a shower was really nice.  When it was summer, even turning the heat all the way up was still cooling for me in the summer and it was always just right for her.

Then we head into Thanksgiving, it was still warm outside.  We left the next day for Florida, it was cold that day and I was thinking, "why can’t I get hot water".  for the past month, I’ve been taking these luke warm showers trying to figure out what happened.  sitting here all day on the couch, I just realized it.  I’m still too lazy to get up and do something about for tomorrow’s shower, but at least I now know.   Maybe I’ll fix it at 3 am when I have nothing else to do.

I fell in the hole.  the hole you fall in when stricken with grief.  So I am just sitting here watching the boring stuff on TV.  Do the network execs really believe people want to watch this crap?  do people actually watch this crap?

anyway, no workout, body weight fell to 170 again, heart is pounding solidly, I believe it is time for happy candy, that should put me to sleep, maybe I’ll make dinner for the kids.

I would eat, but I feel like I want to puke.  Had a shake for breakfast, and a small sandwich for late lunch.  We’ll see about later.  I am hungry but I can’t do it.

Got the life insurance form in the mail today.  it is here next to me on the couch…

decided to let my CFP designation lapse.  i just did it for the bonus the company was paying, I never had any respect for those folks anyway.  I know a lot of CFPs, I am not impressed. 

The power was out up here in Detroit.  By this morning it had been 24 hours.  I did manage to get a turkey cooked and mashed potatos and stuffing and gravy and some green beans too - sent it all to my mom’s.  When my sister-in-law and her husband got here they were amazed I was able to do all that with no power.

We ate in the dark by candle light and then sat by the fire with 6 kids running around and playing hide and go seek.

Anyway, this morning at 6:45, I woke and dragged my frozen nose out of bed.  Took the dog out and did my workout.  Perfect pushups is the thing I am doing for a while.  Did that in 40 degrees in the dark- actually one small candle.  Not bad really.  Got almost all the way through the workout before it was too late and I had to leave for the Doc office (she wasn’t even there, her power was out too - oh well).

My gym membership at Lifetime expires in 4 days as planned.  I wanted to change gyms anyway.

The last few days, I’ve been using my DBs and the Perfect Pushup to start up again.  Today, I will hopefully finish 1 workout with the Perfect Pushup.  Half way done already - typing between sets - hold on…

Over the past few days, I’ve been doing DB bent over rows and DB raises with 40 lbs each.  Just seets here and there.  Looking and Bert Landry’s profile helped get me thinking right last night.  JeddiBB.  I was showing hiw workout to a friend - those are some amazing numbers.

I am not to the point of kicking my own ass like I used to though.  My mind is not right yet.  There are no consistant concentrations to keep me going.   Hold on…

It probably doesn’t help that these windows gadgets on the right of my computer screen include a slide show of just Audrey.  People are already trying to get me out there and seet me up. Like duh!  I am so not ready to think about other women.  Take your top ten BB.com model wanna be’s and bring them here for a strip tease - there would be no reaction - I don’t want them, I want Audrey.   Not that I would turn down the strip tease.

I am down 15 lbs.  Not too much to worry about, the 5 above 180 were just hospital food.  What a gig they have there.  When visitors come to visit the patients, the cafeteria turns the visitors into patients thus creating a never ending circle.  I talked to a lot of hospital personnel down in that basement over the two weeks I lived there.  They didn’t care much for the healthiness of the food either.  It’s like McYuckels with more variety and less expensive - so you buy more unhealthy food and cement your future-patientship in your arteries.

Hold on, time to do the first set of close position pushups - these are the hard ones, first set is 20…

2 sets to go, 12 and 8.

My head is spinning, wasn’t ready for this workout.  Maybe typing this blog is the distraction I need.

It’s my birthday today.  First happy birthday came in at midnight from Ultimate-Guitar.com  the second was from bb.com (10% off at bb.com store). 

There is a party at Audrey’s best friend’s house tonight.  Ev told me it’s just like last year where the kids all get to play and the adults sit upstairs.  Trouble is, I am not stupid, there was no party last year.  Audrey put Ev in charge of me.  Ev is supposed to get me hooked up and married right away so that I won’t be lonely.  That hurts to type it, you should see me when I say it.  I am going to have to have lunch with Ev, she needs to know that this is a promise she is allowed to break, since fulfilling it will only cause me pain.  My new paid friend told me I am in deep doodoo with women.  Apparently I like the mental abuse, if I married Audrey it must be true - this is the shrink talking here - because no one would date Audrey that long and maarry her for 15 years and refuse to get divorced unless that was true.

don’t blame Audrey, she was sick.  She needed me to help her, but I didn’t understand.  Not smart enough to figure it out.  I get to spend a lot of time in a small room talking to nice lady about my childhood.  Oh it sounds like so much fun, and it only cost $30 copay per hour.

hold on…

Damn, I get a lot of arm work from that close setting.  Head is spinning again.  Probably from not eating for a week and a half.  Just protein shake in the morning and a sandwich in the afternoon.  sometimes a later snack - slice of pizza or a muffin or a cookie.

The church sent a year of food to the house on Christmas Eve.  That will help the grocery bill.  I don’t have a place for this food though, it is stacked in boxes on top of the fridge, the kitchen table - I always wanted an island countertop in the kitchen, now I do.

Christmas presents everywhere.  With four kids and 2 churches and a set of friends and the school adopting our family, you bet.

Last set…

Sorry ladies, time for me to get dressed now.  Show’s over.  It was nice to wave to you.  Bye.

Well, there is no mom anymore, and I can’t be 2 poeple.  My son wanted to make some soup.  He boiled the noodles, but couldn’t strain them because the pan was too heavy.  So I strained the noodles, but to the weights we went.  You need to use these 8 lb orange ones here.  When you curl, make sure you get your elbows in front of your hips, etc.

Then my older one was playing on the computer.   He was hunched over.  time to take a break kid.  let’s hit the weights and talk about bent over DB rows.

Today my friend from high screwel came over to give me outlet.  Gave her a hug, I could feel she needed her back adjusted, so I did it.  She said "wow, how did you know that was hurting?"  I just do.  You need bent over DB rows, at 2 different inclines.  90 degrees bend at the waist to hit the mid rhomboids where that adjustment is at, and 25 degree bend to hit the upper rhomboids and improve posture.

Where did I learn all of this?  It just keeps coming to me as I train my own body more and more.  come here to look things up, and go to other websites to learn physiology and endocrinology.  I can tell you about supplements.  did you know Enzyte is a perfectly logical supplement.  If it doesn’t work for a man, then he has a problem that needs a doctor.  It is an estrememly logical pill.  the target is the niacin.  they want to increase the niacin for the sexual health, the zinc helps metabolize that, but zinc inhibits the metabolization of copper.  the copper inhibits the metabolization of the zinc.  so, they came up with an idea.  overload the zinc and copper, add a bunch of niacin and pray the body repsonds.  it’s a cool idea.  it should work.  then to make it expnesive, they added a bunch of useless stuff.

do you think I am over researching everything I do?

All of Audrey’s friends who made it to the funeral told me to call anytime - I am an honorary chick now after how I handled the blog we kept for the two weeks in the hospital.

They gave me an envelope with all their contack information.  Funeral was on Saturday, and by Sunday, I needed help.  So I sent out an e-mail to all of them.

The one response that I treasure most is the one from Audrey’s friend Joan.  Her husband passed away 2 years ago in a car accident.  I won’t go into the details, but I didn’t go to the funeral.  So this time, I apologized to Joan.  It was disrespectful to her to not go for the reason that I didn’t.

Now we pass each other on Instant Messaging all the time.  It is so good to have a mentor at a time like this.  What makes it even better, is that our lives are so close.  We have memories together.  These gilrs, who were all high school friends, would get together for a major reunion every couple of years, and they would put all their husbands together and tell us to go have fun.   So we did - barely knowing each other.

Joan went to high school with Audrey, so everything Audrey told me about high school, Joan was there.  It is a blessing to have her little yellow light on my e-mail system. 

What’s amazing though, I never really talked to her before.  8 girls and all their husbands and all the kids.  There was no chance any of us guys really became friends with our wive’s friends.  We just can put the name to the face.

Friends.  Joan has moved to the top of my list for now.  If it is temporary, that’ll do.  I thank God she is here for me.

Tomorrow, I have to go back to the same funeral home.  One of my best friend’s mom passed away on Christmas Eve.  Mrs. N is one of those mom’s who was a mom to all of us.  She kept track of all of us since high school, never missed a wedding,  knew the names of our kids by heart.  I told my friends, all 3 of her sons, I would try to sneak in for a minute, but I just don’t feel social right now.  I don’t like being in public, especially since I keep getting lost when I drive.  But I can’t let tomorrow go without one more time seeing her.  Wish me luck, every task is a struggle.

 Thanks,

 Michel

Well, it happened on December 15th, 2008 at 10:58 pm.  I sat by her side all day.  She couldn’t tallk at first, just laid there doing the heavy breathing called Cheynes-Stokes.  When the breathing starts, it’s just hours away.  She start at 8 am.

It really hurt when her mom leaned in close to her and spoke loudly, "Audrey, it’s ok to let go.  You can go now".   She did that several times over the hours.  I was screaming inside to  stop her, but it was true.  It was time to go. 

She was on the bed, and the nurses positioned her so her head was turned to me.  All she could do all say was stare at me.  I spoke to her and kissed her so many times.  I told her I loved her, she knew that already.

Those last breathes were so peaceful.  She was not desparate, she was in a coma.  She could still hear, so I leaned in and beg her to let go, and go wait for me.  I told her I would earn the right to go be with her.  I hugged that little frail body.  She wasn’t hurting anymore, so I was fianlly after two weeks able to put my arms around her the way I wanted.  I hugged her tight.  Then I set her back down. 

Afterward I was still kissing her cheek over and over.  I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just giving up on her.  If she was still in that body, I wanted her to know I was still there.

I am alone now.  I have all these people who are frineds and family, but it is not the same. 

today, I finally worked out.  Doctors orders.  I have to get the adreniline and cortisone out fo me, or I will explode.  I am so weak.  I have lost fifteen pounds from not eating.  Simple workouts of before are hard now.  I worked so hard to get where I was, now I have to start over.

It’s really nice that they let a family member stay all night in the oncology/hospice ward, but this pullout chair is 2 feet too short and a real painn in the ribs.

After 2 days of no sleeping, it still wasn’t difficult to pass out though.

I had midnight pizza, and before that was some questionable "meat"loaf with groovy stuff on top. Before that was a pizza.  hey that’s all they have in this place.  In the Detroit area, this hospital was built on a county line in the northern suburbs back in the 70’s.

my mom was the first ER patient - she was getting brownies out of a pan with a knife and shoved it through her hand.  The Doc said, "You are Italian right?  Ever heard of a spatula?"  She runs into him around town once in a while and they laugh about the spatula joke.

Anyway, the location on a county line where one is red and one is blue, has put a strain on development, the blue county, for years did not want the red county to have the successful hospital, so developers were shunned from development on their side of the road.  The red county did not want to create defacto need in the blue county, so they also allowed very little development near the hopsital.  Fianlly, just recently and after 30 years, the hospital agreed to buy the land opposite in the blue county and build a hospital there with a bridge across so it’s 1 hospital in 2 counties.  Now we are getting development nearby, but there aren’t enough restaurants nearby to warrant warming up the car in 9 degree weather and travel out at 11 pm to find food.  So hospital food it is.

wasn’t that a long round a bout explanation of the bad food I am forced to eat.  lot’s of fun.  goodtimes.