SweetNightshade’s BodyBlog

So, after the withdrawal period, I was healthy as a horse about a week. I was experimenting with veganism (been vegetarian since Februrary) and working out every day. Even got my endurance so I high that I walked to the bookstore 2.3 miles away, and back, in the middle of the day. My tolerance for heat, and my asthmatic lungs normally aren’t too happy about something like that. But I used to be super athletic and outdoorsy as a kid, and being able to do that made me feel amazing, like I’m making real progress. And then I went back to school. And now I think I have the flu. Now, I got a flu shot, my symptoms include stomach issues, H1N1 is going around campus, and yesterday a girl in class was coughing like crazy - right next to me. So my guess is it’s H1N1, which sucks. Not to mention, it’s Friday, so the doctor’s office is now closed and I’ll have to wait till Monday to get checked out. I’m sure you understand that I’m about ready to pull my hair out with all the health issues and set-backs. At least I’m steadily making progress in the endurance area, but all the interuptions are leaving me with little progress in the toning or weight-loss departments. It’s especially difficult for me not to feel inadequate when I have friends who work in warehouses and get beautiful bodies just by going to work. I’m not giving up, and I’m trying to focus on all the health benefits I’m reaping, but I want so much to be ripped. On the upside, at least my writing can be done from the bed. My first column hit the university paper today. I should be thrilled. I am thrilled. It’s just hard not to let so much sickness get me down. But that’s why I’m posting to you guys. I’m keeping myself accountable, even through all these issues. The moment I stop reporting to you guys, stop saying "one day soon, I’ll be able to hit the gym again," then I’ve given up. I might not be there now, but I’ll have my BB body some day.

Life just keeps throwing ‘em, but I’m still here.

I had a very severe and very rare reaction to the anti-depressants called "tardive dystonia." Physically, it’s like having seizures except you are conscious the entire time. Needless to say, I’ve started weaning myself off the meds. Now I’m dealing with withdrawal symptoms - nausea, lightheadedness, etc. - but hopefully they won’t last way too long. It’s been next to impossible for me to workout while going through this, but I’m refusing to let myself be beat by anything anymore. I’m just going to weather the storm, and then get right back to my routine when it’s over.

How do you guys make the most of sick time?

I bought a little black dress yesterday while I was out - size 5. It’s a great reminder of how far I’ve come. When I was in middle school, I was a size 16. Besides, since I’m trying to focus on toning up my limbs, I decided I needed something to show them off when I reach my goal. It’s all about keeping up the motivation.
Exercise: Quick weight set, lower-body focus
Liquid: 4 cups (I’m going to get 8 today!)
B: Steel cut oats w/honey, cinnamon, & soy milk.
S: PB
L: 2 soy patties w/BBQ sauce, bell peppers, & onions.
S: PB
D: Spaghetti
S: PB (up late, needed more food)

I did some arnolds last night before bed and woke up feeling my biceps and pecs. I’ve been reading a lot about mindfulness in my efforts to improve my mood, and physical mindfulness feels just as rewarding. Being aware of my muscles when I stretch at the office, feeling my legs burn when I walk up the stairs to my apartment - it reminds me that I did a good job yesterday; it reminds me that I’m alive.

To keep up the momentum, I’m going on a little fitness shopping spree after work. I need supplements, an exercise ball to replace my desk chair, a yoga dvd for cool-down, and a cute new workout outfit for my progress pics at the end of each month, starting in August. Getting back to recording everything also helps me keep focused. I can see where I need to focus (water, lighter snacks) and where I’m doing well (breakfast, weights). I don’t intend to let myself fall back in a slump again, so I’ve made a promise to myself to post here every day, even if it’s just my log. I need to keep myself surrounded by positive people. If you guys can get ripped, with jobs and families and obligations, so can I!

Exercise: Quick weight regimen, upper-body focus.
Liquid: 3 cups.
B: Steel-cut oats w/honey, cinnamon, and soy milk.
S: PB
L: 2 soy patties w/bbq sauce, carrots.
S: PB
D: Veggie & cheese panini, broccoli slaw, small cupcake.

I know many of you are probably wondering where I went. Shortly after my last post, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The months since then have been hellish and embarrassing. I feel guilt and shame for being depressed, which in turn makes me more depressed. Working out, something I used to love to do, has become a chore. I am on medication that permeates every day with fatigue. I have finally found a therapist I like and a system I trust (The Depression Cure). The science behind it is comforting, as I’m sure all you supplement-addicts can understand, and it utilizes exercise. I seem to have the tools, but I still feel utterly in the dark.

I’m not ashamed to admit this to you. You have been here for me through plateaus and binges. You have seen me struggle with my greatest weaknesses, known me as a human being, and responded with love. You look up to me, call me inspirational, call me beautiful. You amaze me, and I’m asking for your help yet again.

Any support or advice will be cherished. Tell me how you get pumped, get angry, refuse to let life crush you. Tell me how you laugh at obstacles, lift them over your head rather than go around them like non-lifters. Tell me how you feel passionate and confident again. Tell me how you know you can do it.

I couldn’t possibly name every person on here who has supported me. You all make me smile every time I read a comment from you. You all make an impact on my life. But I’d like to say a special thank you to vmvbwozniak for nominating me as inspirational. You manage to make me feel strong in my weakest moments.

Thank you.

I want to thank everyone for all the support. I’ve been talking a lot with my father, journaling, and reevaluating my goals. I’m happy to say that I worked out yesterday: 30 minutes on the bike in the morning and a bunch of strength exercises during evening television. I’ve also been switching to eating more whole, healthy foods, but my appetite is still a little off. Nevertheless, it’s progress.

I’ll keep you all updated.

To say that the past month has been stressful in the family department is an understatement. I’ve long known that this lingering, awful cold is from all the stress breaking my immune system down. What I haven’t been facing is where some of the other ’symptoms’ are coming from. I’ve been sleeping an excessive amount. It takes me an hour to get out of bed in the morning. I feel ugly when I look in the mirror. I have no motivation to workout, much less do other things. My appetite ranges from being non-existent for 24 hours, to forming random binge urges (both I’ve which I’ve been keeping under control, thankfully.) Sometimes I just feel like crying for no reason. These things all get better when I’m not secluded at home. I have to face it. I’m lonely. But not just lonely, depressed. And it’s screwing with my training.

I’m going to the college counselors this week, because though I feel like crap right now, I have enough clarity of mind to not let this become a permanent thing. I’ll still reach my goals, this is just a small setback. I’m sure I’ll have weights in my hands again in a week or so. I just have to keep feeding myself as much positive thinking as I can manage.