Random thoughts

You work in an office sitting on the same chair staring at a screen for 9 hours a day.  Your surrounded by people who think you have a fitness obsession and a eating disorder because all you eat every 3 hours are protein shakes and healthy foods and then you go to the gym after work everyday.

You’ve been in the job a few years now and you know that this is definitely not how you want to spend the remaining years of your life… and you have a plan to get out and start your dream career but you have some time to kill before you can leave your job and move towns to where you can’t wait to be.

So how do you kill this time you have at work? Have you ever had those times at work where a minute feels like an hour, an hour feels like a day and a day feels like an eternity?

That is how I am feeling at work right now.  I can do my days allocated work in 1 hour but I need to drag it out over 9.  Don’t get me wrong I am a hard worker and can produce large quantities of quality work and if I believe in what it is I’m doing I have a great work ethic.  I work for the Govenment and most people make this out to be a busy hard important job.  The truth is its not, it’s just full of people that need to follow processes and and can’t take accountability for anything they do.  That is why so much stuff is ‘lost’.

So I try to pass the time with other things but I do not have access to the internet as the PC’s are restricted, there are no games or good applications on the PC, just the boring old programs that I have to use for work.  I can only get out of the office for short periods of time otherwise they start to notice that I’m missing and keep a tighter watch on what I’m doing.  They know there is not that much work but for some reason they still keep expecting you to bust your ass working all day long.  If I was to ask for more work they would just find me something so bad that I would wish I’d never asked.

So the only things I have found that I can do to help pass the time are wire my ipod up my shirt and listen to it in one ear.  Play the applications on my iphone and load up some articles onto my ipod so that I can sit there and read and hope that no one pays much attention to me.  There are a few alright people to stir things up with in the office but if I do that too much I end up getting moved away from those people and that would be even worse, believe me there is nothing worse than sitting next to that smelly strange anti social person in your office all day!

Anyway… this is why I look forward to the gym so much after work.  It takes away the feeling of being a useless fat piece of crap away and reminds me that things are going to be good and really, really soon.  Not long to go and I will never have to do this again.  I just can’t understand how people live their lives in these terrible jobs that are an excuse for an existence, so what if you job is secure and you have a little bit better than the average wage.  How can you live your life if your already dead inside?

Honestly when I get up and get ready for work in the morning I think I look alright, but by the end of a **** day I look like a cat that has been smashed up by a speeding bus full of fat people that are late for a pie eating contest, lol, I only look like this after a bad day of work.

Anyway, enough ranting… If anyone has any suggestion for me to occupy myself for my remaining days in the office please let me know…

Its funny how we work so hard to get something that we "think" we want really badly only to realise later that we don’t really want it at all.  This has occured in a few instances during my life; like that job I wanted so badly and worked hard to get to then realise that its not what I thought it would be.  That house that I had to have because it was new and "perfect" only to
find after living there that it was so overly perfect that it was sterile, had no character and it couldn’t feel like home no matter what I did.  That someone I admired and thought the world of and did anything for their attention then only to realise that, that someone was not who or what they pretended to be.

Today at the gym I had another realisation, but a good one.  I was jogging on the treadmill and I could see this woman on the equipment in front of me.  Yes, I check out other women and how they look and what exercises etc they do at the gym.  I’m probably as bad as the guys but I’m sure I’m not the only chic that does this.  This woman must have been in her late 30’s or early 40’s and she was really fit, a lot fitter than me.  She was probably the
leanest and most muscular chic that I’ve seen at the gym, her entire body is bulging with muscle and must not have an inch of fat or curves.  I then realised that this was not what I wanted even though for the past 12 months I thought that it was.  Although I appreciate and admire how hard this woman has worked for her physique, at a glance you would think that she was a man which is what I initally thought.

I thought about how much I love my womanly curvy body and realised how I don’t want to let it go.  I usually critisize myself for not being as fit and muscular as I thought I should be but for the first time I was really satisfied with the way I have progressed and realised I am much closer to my fitness goals than I thought.  This is a good feeling and its given me that extra motivation to just tone (not build) what I have with a focus on my legs and only build my shoulders, arms and back just a little bit more for proportion.  So this is what I want NOW.
It will be interesting to come back and read this to see if what I want changes again.  I will come back and post another update if it does

I wanted to stop by and write this today as I’ve just got back from a hiking trip and I want to write how I feel while this is still fresh in my mind.  I went hiking in Tasmania on the Overland Track, I did this over 5 nights and 6 days and did the side trips up the mountains and to the lakes each day.  Most of the people that started the track the same day I did competed it at a similar pace, most of them were between 20 to 40 years old.  There was one guy I met right at the start, he was 71 years old and he come across as a really really fit 50 year old.  After getting to know this fella throughout the hike I learnt a lot about his life and lifestyle, he was in the army for some years then the special forces in Germany.  He never smoked and only drank on special occasions.  His diet was most foods in moderation but very low in fat and almost no processed foods with a lot of it coming from his own organic vege garden.  He swears that he has not been sick in almost 15 years, no colds, flus or anything and if you seen this guys health you would believe everything he had to say.  Although to some people it may seem like he had sacrificed a lot of the good things in life, to me after hearing about some of his life experiences it seemed like he had lived the most fulfilling life ever.  He makes me want to be a better person and live the healthiest life possible so I can to enjoy good health when I’m old and be as active as possible. My hat comes off to you Hans as you are my biggest inspiration!

Its weird how one comment can affect someone and others just pass us by.  Today I witnessed something that opened up one of my fat scars.  I don’t think I will ever forget how much this one hurt.  When I was 16/17 I didn’t do any exercise except walking to the mall and dancing my ass off when I was drinking and my diet consisted of anything that contained saturated fats and alcohol.  I’m short so any extra weight on me makes me look chubby really easily.  When I was that age I had skinny fat arms and legs, massive boobs (they were 2 sizes up from what they are now) and a little bit of a pot belly from my bad lifestyle.  Anyway I remember being 17 and going out for dinner with my best friend one night to eat anything and everything we wanted.  After dinner we did some late night shopping and while carrying our bags this guy ran up to me saying "OH MY GOD put those bags down now, let me carry them for you" I was really confused and was asking what? why? and he stared back at me like he was dead serious and replied ‘’A pregnant woman shouldn’t be allowed to carry bags like this".  It felt like everyone was staring at me.  To this day I don’t know if it was a cruel joke or he actually thought I was pregnant.  I didn’t say a word but my friend told him where to go.  My friend tried to convince me that I was hot and he was just an ******* making a joke.  As much as these fat scars hurt, they remind me where I come from and why I will never go back to a lifestyle like that. When will people understand that words can cut as sharply as any blade, and that those cuts leave scars upon us.