Day 2 : Mental
I suffer from anxiety due to high amounts of stress in life, being abused by an ex etc. I left him, but my body became accustomed to the extreme levels of stress, I am now on alert 24/7, I cant relax, its almost like post traumatic stress without the flashbacks, my body and mind are remembering how i felt, and how i felt has now become the norm for me, on edge, still the walking on eggshells feeling.
I’m going through custody stuff with my ex, he wants full rights, i dont want him having full rights, I want final decision making, its high conflict, he’s still mentally abusive, manipulating, bullying, etc, and i dont want to deal with that in day to day decisions. So my stress level is high, ive been to the doctor 22 times in the last two years for stress/anxiety related issues.
Ive been tested by an ENT, had blood work to check for diabetes, iron levels, thyroid, etc, etc, etc…anything to figure out why i was feeling physically the way i was. (i’m a bit better now but its creeping back up again and i’ll say why later)
An average physical day for me when anxious:
Shaky, apprehensive, on edge (almost like im hyper and cant sit still but i have no energy at the same time), want to crawl out of my skin, butterflies in stomach (leading to fears of panic attacks, thats how they start for me, a rush in the stomach and then rushing through my body, this hot chill adrenaline rush), goosebumps, depersonalization, derealization, cant focus on anything, have to reread things, cant concentrate on anything, i get overwhelmed very easy, headaches, stomachaches, IBS type stomach, sore joints, stiff neck and shoulders, stiff hands, aching legs, phantom chest pains, severe head pressure/sinus pressure, ringing ears, pressure and popping in ears, eye strain/pain/dryness (contacts), no appetite to excessive appetite, moodiness, very little patience when i’m really anxious whcih comes out as anger but its actually fear…this is just what i can think of off the top of my head…
on a mental level, i deal with obsessions (OCD) daily, some days better than others, you can watch my videos when I do them about OCD if you want to understand it better, its hell to live with. Ive also dealt with agoraphobia which is getting better, I was able to go to England last May for a week with no panic attacks, so that was exciting for me. Anxiety high but it didnt escalate into any panic 
now people can kind of understand why exercise has not taken the forefront for a while…its hard to function and excel when feeling like that 24/7.
Now, any change will trigger anxiety in me. stress, good or bad, of any kind, will trigger anxiety in me. This will get better in time once i start implementing proper nutrition, exercise and relaxation techniques (yoga). but for now i have to deal with what i feel.
i start exercising, or even eating right, i make any little change and my anxiety escalates…so i normally fall off a diet or exercise plan just to avoid the anxiety spikes, and go back to my ‘comfort zone’…so starting this plan and program is like fear factor for me LOL, its using the technique, feel the fear and do it anyway
most people cant understand that, i mean what is so frightening about nutrition and exercise right? well to one person, flying isnt frightening, but to another its terrifying, just depends on the person. and me, any changes in my life, my mind and body react. but ill just push through and make this my new comfort zone, i cant live behind the mask of anxiety forever.
What ive learned is, everyone with anxiety needs to figure out the reason they hang onto it. most say, why would i hang onto it? i hate it, its ruined my life. yes, but you do hang onto it. i didnt want to admit it myself but its true. ive hidden behind anxiety because of lack of self esteem and a fear of failure. i could use anxiety as my excuse to not try new things, it protected me…i didnt have to meet new people, i wsa anxious, therefore no one could hate me or judge me (which they do anyway lol), i didnt have to change jobs, take new bigger steps in life…it was a security blanket for me, and now its going to be tough to change that, its always tough for a baby to give a security blanket, we all know, this is the same thing
but more than doing it for me, i want to do it for my kids, i want them to know the world is not a fearful place like i was taught it was…i was raised to feel guilt, shame and fear, although my mom did love me, this was her message and not her fault either. i dont blame her, im not a perfect parent either, but i hope to learn from those mistakes and not pass them on. because me being aware of them and doing them anyway, would make it my fault if i passed it on. my duaghter has anxious tendencies and she has done amazing in raising her confidence, she is now 6 and trying new things and ive taught her to tell herself, i can handle it, no matter what she is afraid of, she says, i can handle it, try again, etc…
shes gone from this shy little girl, afraid to even climb a bunk bed just over a year ago, to riding her bike with no training wheels, not shy at all, trying rock climbing at the ‘Y’, go carting, always taking chances and trusting us that we wont take her anywhere she will get hurt, its such a night and day in her, its so awesome!
x
