Riot_Girl_XXX’s BodyBlog

I suffer from anxiety due to high amounts of stress in life, being abused by an ex etc.  I left him, but my body became accustomed to the extreme levels of stress, I am now on alert 24/7, I cant relax, its almost like post traumatic stress without the flashbacks, my body and mind are remembering how i felt, and how i felt has now become the norm for me, on edge, still the walking on eggshells feeling. 

I’m going through custody stuff with my ex, he wants full rights, i dont want him having full rights, I want final decision making, its high conflict, he’s still mentally abusive, manipulating, bullying, etc, and i dont want to deal with that in day to day decisions.  So my stress level is high, ive been to the doctor 22 times in the last two years for stress/anxiety related issues.

Ive been tested by an ENT, had blood work to check for diabetes, iron levels, thyroid, etc, etc, etc…anything to figure out why i was feeling physically the way i was.  (i’m a bit better now but its creeping back up again and i’ll say why later)

An average physical day for me when anxious:

Shaky, apprehensive, on edge (almost like im hyper and cant sit still but i have no energy at the same time), want to crawl out of my skin, butterflies in stomach (leading to fears of panic attacks, thats how they start for me, a rush in the stomach and then rushing through my body, this hot chill adrenaline rush), goosebumps, depersonalization, derealization, cant focus on anything, have to reread things, cant concentrate on anything, i get overwhelmed very easy, headaches, stomachaches, IBS type stomach, sore joints, stiff neck and shoulders, stiff hands, aching legs, phantom chest pains, severe head pressure/sinus pressure, ringing ears, pressure and popping in ears, eye strain/pain/dryness (contacts), no appetite to excessive appetite, moodiness, very little patience when i’m really anxious whcih comes out as anger but its actually fear…this is just what i can think of off the top of my head…

on a mental level, i deal with obsessions (OCD) daily, some days better than others, you can watch my videos when I do them about OCD if you want to understand it better, its hell to live with.  Ive also dealt with agoraphobia which is getting better, I was able to go to England last May for a week with no panic attacks, so that was exciting for me.  Anxiety high but it didnt escalate into any panic

now people can kind of understand why exercise has not taken the forefront for a while…its hard to function and excel when feeling like that 24/7. 

Now, any change will trigger anxiety in me.  stress, good or bad, of any kind, will trigger anxiety in me.  This will get better in time once i start implementing proper nutrition, exercise and relaxation techniques (yoga). but for now i have to deal with what i feel. 

i start exercising, or even eating right, i make any little change and my anxiety escalates…so i normally fall off a diet or exercise plan just to avoid the anxiety spikes, and go back to my ‘comfort zone’…so starting this plan and program is like fear factor for me LOL, its using the technique, feel the fear and do it anyway

most people cant understand that, i mean what is so frightening about nutrition and exercise right? well to one person, flying isnt frightening, but to another its terrifying, just depends on the person.  and me, any changes in my life, my mind and body react.  but ill just push through and make this my new comfort zone, i cant live behind the mask of anxiety forever.

What ive learned is, everyone with anxiety needs to figure out the reason they hang onto it.  most say, why would i hang onto it?  i hate it, its ruined my life.  yes, but you do hang onto it.  i didnt want to admit it myself but its true.  ive hidden behind anxiety because of lack of self esteem and a fear of failure.  i could use anxiety as my excuse to not try new things,  it protected me…i didnt have to meet new people, i wsa anxious, therefore no one could hate me or judge me (which they do anyway lol), i didnt have to change jobs, take new bigger steps in life…it was a security blanket for me, and now its going to be tough to change that, its always tough for a baby to give a security blanket, we all know, this is the same thing

but more than doing it for me, i want to do it for my kids, i want them to know the world is not a fearful place like i was taught it was…i was raised to feel guilt, shame and fear, although my mom did love me, this was her message and not her fault either.  i dont blame her, im not a perfect parent either, but i hope to learn from those mistakes and not pass them on.  because me being aware of them and doing them anyway, would make it my fault if i passed it on.  my duaghter has anxious tendencies and she has done amazing in raising her confidence, she is now 6 and trying new things and ive taught her to tell herself, i can handle it, no matter what she is afraid of, she says, i can handle it, try again, etc…

shes gone from this shy little girl, afraid to even climb a bunk bed just over a year ago, to riding her bike with no training wheels, not shy at all, trying rock climbing at the ‘Y’, go carting, always taking chances and trusting us that we wont take her anywhere she will get hurt, its such a night and day in her, its so awesome!

x

In my Day 2: Nutrition post, i posted my nutrition plan, diet plan for the next four weeks

I should add, I intend to follow only that plan for four weeks, not only to lose weight but to detoxify my body, and cut an addictions to processed foods/sugar that I may have.

After four weeks, I will begin adding in a cheat meal once a week (one meal not one day lol)

After eight weeks I will start cycling calories so my body doesnt get used to everything, I will alternate between high calorie and low calorie days, adding back in foods I’ve eliminated, in moderation (cheese etc, and chocolate milk after training), to spike calories on leg days especially as I will be lifting heavier by then

x

I tweaked my diet plan…

Five days a week for the first four weeks, I’ll be getting 1274.5 calories a day, it looks like this

1274.5 calories

121.7 protein

164.8 carbs

17.9 fat

it ends up being approximately 35%/55%/10%  (P/C/F) my fat is a little low but i also take EFA’s

on leg days (2x week) i boost my calories up to 1333 just for a little extra protein

the diet looks like this…

Five days a week:

1/3 cp oatmeal

1 scoop protein powder

1/2 grapefruit with stevia

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1 cp strawberries

1/4 cp almonds

1/2 cp cucumber

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1 cp cottage cheese

1 cp grapes

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1 cp cottage cheese

1 cp strawberries

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salad with spinach, peppers, celery, tomato

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Protein powder (1 scoop)

water

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1/2 cp brown rice

broccoli

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1274.5 calories

121.7 protein

164.8 carbs

17.9 fat

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Leg Days, the same as above but add in 1/2 cp egg whites

1333 calories

134.7 protein

165.8 carbs

17.9 fat

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MY BMR, WHAT I NEED TO MAINTAIN MY WEIGHT BEING SEDENTARY IS 1926 CALS APPROXIMATELY A DAY…

SO I BURN APPROXIMATELY 13,237 CALORIES A WEEK

THIS MEAL PLANS GIVES ME AN INTAKE OF 9038.5 CALORIES A WEEK

ADD IN MY EXERCISE SIX DAYS A WEEK I BURN AN EXTRA 6642 CALORIES A WEEK

ADD IN MY EXERCISE ON SUNDAYS (1 CARDIO, YOGA, PILATES) AND I BURN AN EXTRA 600 CALORIES A WEEK

WHICH MAKES MY CALORIE DEFICIT A WEEK, 11,440.5 CALORIES A WEEK, WHICH TO BURN FAT (3500 CALS PER POUND), WOULD BURN 3.26 PDS A WEEK

AT THE END OF FOUR WEEKS, I SHOULD HAVE LOST 13 POUNDS, MATHEMATICALLY SPEAKING

X

Had made a diet plan, then tweaked it by the end of the day.

Yesterday my diet consisted of:

1/3 cp oatmeal, 1 cp protein powder, 3 tbsp hemp seeds

1 grapefruit with stevia

1 cp grapes, 1 cp strawberries, 1/4 cp almonds

1 cp cottage cheese, 1 cp grapes

tried mixed beans and broccoli, i cant stomach beans at all

had a severe craving for quizno’s bbq chicken flatbread last night lol but since im going back vegetarian and its not healthy, i settled for toast with peanut butter

drank only water and chamomile tea with stevia

 my total caloric intake was around 1600, a bit higher than i wanted, wasnt counting on that late night carb craving, but one day at a time

much healthier than the junk i usually eat

I didnt do any training yesterday (day one), being Sunday, just eased into my new diet plan.

Music is a major motivator for me and any way i can pass motivation on to anyone else i will…

I’m just going to randomly post songs for me that put my right in training mode and anything else I found that motivates me….

Motivational song 1

Riot - Three Days Grace

GET IT!!

x

I slept in today, it was nice, its Sunday, i’m allowed, lol.  I just had breakfast, 1/3 cup oatmeal, scoop of protein powder and 3 tbsp hemp seeds.  Since i’m so used to sugar, it was bland to me but it did have flavor, the hemp seeds give a slight nutty taste, so I’ll get used to it.  Gym was closed at noon today for the long weekend so I wont be doing weights today which is fine because Sundays are not weight training days for me anyway. 

I’m starting my video blog posts today, I’ll learn how to upload them here.  I have an account on youtube that I’ll be posting them on aswel.  I’ll be posting a daily blog about my fitness transformation (making yourself publicly accountable is a major motivation technique lol), and daily blogs about what its like to live with OCD and anxiety and agoraphobia and the progress i’m making on each.

I’m going to try posting a few different blogs a day, one for training, one for nutrition and one for random thoughts to try and keep them organized and separated.  I find journaling not only very therapeutic but it helps keep things organized and in perspective and when I get down and forget what I’ve achieved, whatever small, I have a reminder of all those little things.

So for today, I’m pumped, still trying to get things organized house wise, get the house organized, we’ve had such bad living habits.  I’m still trying to find my comptuer cable for my mp3 player, the data cable, may have to buy a new one but I definitely need it for the gym, I cannot train without music…one, it keeps me motivated, and two I can drown in the music and focus on what I’m doing with no distractions from people chatting in the gym or some crappy music playing (my gym is full of chatty women and it drives me mad when I’m trying to focus)…plus if I start feeling insecure in the gym, I get lost in the music and forget anyone else is even there, I just close my eyes, listen to the music and train.

So for now, just drinking my water, cleaning house, writing out my training and diet plan to carry around with me.  I bought all my groceries I will need this week.  Took my iron this morning, I’ll ease into all my supplements slowly. 

Multivitamin, chromium, iron, silica, EFA’s, valerian or an herbal nerve tonic, umm I’m trying to remember off the top of my head, I’ll have it all wrote down and will post it all in a nutrition blog.

hope you’re all reaching your goals day by day

much love

x

SOME EXPERTS BELIEVE KICKING SUGAR IS HARDER THAN KICKING CIGARETTES OR EVEN HEROINE! 

 I read this and found this fascinating and all too true for myself.  I am a sugar addict for definite, even so far as having to have soda every day.  As they say, it was my comfort food and I used it to self medicate, and without it my moods became worse (and dealing with anxiety every day, this became a dangerous cycle).  I not only want to get back into shape but most importantly I dont want to be teaching my children bad habits or developing diabetes.  I am being tested for PCOS right now and its directly related to insulin levels in the body and reactions…if I do have it, its extremely mild and I can prevent any development of it but still, sugar isnt good for anybody.

Here is what I read: (I knew this before but as most people do when they arent ready to change or give up what they love, it put it to the furthest regions of my mind)

Human researchers are fascinated by the behavior of lab rats in response to food rewards, but few humans are willing to closely examine their own behavior in relationship to sugar. Most people living in western societies (the U.S., Canada, UK, Australia, etc.) are truly addicted to sugar, and they use it as a form of self-medication to temporarily boost their mood and energy. The frequency and context in which these people press a button on a soda machine is eerily similar to the way lab rats press a lever to produce a food reward.

This CounterThink cartoon attempts to ask, "What would an outside observer think of modern human behavior in relation to sugar?" The answer is not difficult to predict: They would think humans were strange animals to be so utterly controlled by a crystalline white substance. Refined white sugar is like dietary crack, and it rots out your teeth just like meth, only slower. To get the real story on white sugar, read the pioneering book, Nutrition and Physical Degeneration by Weston Price, or check out the Price-Pottenger Foundation.

Of course, most people reading this cartoon will insist, “I’m not addicted to sugar. I can quit eating sugar anytime I want.” Really? Prove it! See if you can go sugar-free for just ten days. That’s a real eye-opener for most people, because even if they have the determination to attempt such an experiment, most soon find themselves crawling back to the pantry, desperately seeking a soda beverage loaded with high-fructose corn syrup (liquid sugar) to end their withdrawal symptoms.

The truth is, most American consumers are so addicted to sugar that they will deny their addictions in the same way that a crack or heroin addict might. And yet, when it comes down to it, sugar controls their behavior. If they don’t have their sugar in the morning (in their coffee, pancakes and cereals), sugar at lunch (in the salad dressing, pasta sauce, soda and restaurant food) and sugar at dinner (there’s sugar in pizza, ketchup and BBQ sauce, plus virtually all restaurant foods), then they suffer serious withdrawal symptoms and go crazy with moodiness and irritability. They start blaming everyone around them for silly things, and they may even become sweaty and light-headed.

Curious, isn’t it? That’s what happens when you take a substance out of nature and refine it to maximize its chemical surface area and biological activity. Cocaine is a drug that’s refined from coca leaves. Opium is a drug that’s refined from poppies. And sugar is a drug that’s refined from sugarcane. And while we have a “war on drugs” against cocaine and heroin, our taxpayer dollars actually subsidize the sugar industry, making refined white sugar cheap and widely available to the entire population so that everyone can be equally hooked.

Refined white sugar is a pleasure drug. If you don’t believe me, just put a spoonful on your tongue and observe the instantaneous effects. You’ll experience a warming, comfortable feeling that makes you feel safe and happy. They’re not called “comfort foods” by accident.

Sugar is, essentially, a legalized recreational drug that’s socially acceptable to consume. And yet, just like other drugs, it destroys a person’s health over time, rotting out their teeth, disrupting normal brain function, promoting heart disease and directly causing diabetes and obesity. The argument that “street drugs are outlawed because they’re dangerous to a person’s health” falls flat on its face when you consider what sugar does to the human body. It’s a lot more dangerous than marijuana, for example, and yet marijuana is illegal to possess or consume.

Isn’t it curious how, in modern society, we fight a war against certain drugs (like cocaine), yet subsidize others? (Like sugar.) The difference, of course, is that the sugar industry has a powerful political lobby and is universally abused by virtually the entire population. Drugs that are abused by only a few (such as heroin) get outlawed, while drugs that are abused by everyone (such as caffeine and sugar) receive legal immunity. It’s mob rule. And the mob is addicted to sugar.

GOOD NEWS, IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, HAVING SUGAR CRAVINGS AND ADDICTION LIKE MOST OF OUR POPULATION, HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO OVERCOME IT!

1. Know all the sneaky names for sugar. Read food labels and get rid of condiments, sauces, and dressings with sugar in them. Learn to make condiments and dressings with out the sugar.
2. Eat fruit. Fruit is a great way to eat something sweet, and control calories. Just stay away from dried fruit or sweetened fruit.
3. Avoid artificial sweeteners. These are just a crutch. They keep you from learning to enjoy the natural sweetness of real food. There are also studies that show that they can make you crave sugar, not to mention the studies that show other dangerous health effects like cancer.
4. Eliminate the white stuff. White flour, white rice, and white potatoes. These have the same affect on blood sugar as sugar, and this will make sugar harder to kick. These foods keep you on the insulin- low blood sugar cycle.
5. Avoid juice. Even 100% juice is sugar water in disguise. Drink water, and if you must, only a splash of juice for flavor.
6. Try stevia. Stevia is an herb that is very sweet and has a slight licorice flavor. While it is a stretch to make a whole dessert with stevia, it is great in coffee and on cereal. It may take some getting used to, but it is way better than loading your food with sugar or known toxic chemicals.Tip: Look for stevia in the dietary supplement section. It will not be with the sweeteners.
7. Learn to use honey. If you really need a sugar fix, eat some honey. Learn to cook with it. Learn how to drizzle it in thin steams. It is very high in sugar but, has other benefits that sugar does not and it is all natural.Tip: Buy honey local to your area. The local pollens the bees use to make the honey could help prevent some seasonal allergies.
8. Limit alcohol. Alcohol is made from sugar. It acts like sugar in the body. Especially when you first are trying to kick sugar stay away from any alcoholic beverages.
9. Bring a low sugar dessert to share. Temptations are everywhere. Show others how delicious a low sugar life style can be.
10. Keep it out of the house. Do not temp yourself with your child’s pop tarts or your husband’s ice cream. Tell your family what you are doing and then put your foot down. It is hard enough with out sweets calling your name all day long.
11. Eat sweet potatoes, red potatoes, and brown rice with meals. These are the foods to replace the white foods with. Sweet potatoes make a yummy dessert with a little yogurt. Steam small red potatoes or some brown rice to eat with dinner. If time is an issue, cook these items ahead of time.
12. If you must eat sweets, eat them after meals. After meals sugar has less of an effect on blood sugar. You will be less likely to crash and crave more later

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