Vanilla Sie

So, I will be posting my final pics for the LG competition in a few hours. In the past 12 weeks, I gained some muscle and lost a little fat. Hells ya.

Now I am trying to decided what to do next. I am going to keep building muscle, no question about that. I want lots more muscle. I also have enjoyed keeping my log over the last few weeks, and I am thinking about starting another one.  This may seem silly, but I can’t decide which journaling section to put it in.

I put my first log in the female section, and I enjoyed the feedback. However, by putting it in a different section I may expose my journal to other opinions and feedback not normally received in the female journaling section, or I may expose it to shenanigans.

I want to put it in a place where I can get serious feedback about gaining serious muscle. I haven’t spent much time in the big workout journal section. Maybe I should search for some female journals in there and look at their quality. I know the female section has some strong journals from some great females.

Or maybe I should just put my training and nurtition in this blog. That would work, but I would probably get less feedback.

Eh. So, any advice here will be considered.

I am thinking about plans. About wants versus needs, dreams verses reality. I have decided it is time to put the ‘pen’ to the ‘paper’ and write about what I want. In all categories. Fitness goals, life goals, relationship goals. I think I tend to lose focus and get distracted with the short term goings on and I make compromises in what I want and what I really need. Where to I want to go versus where am I headed……I going to try to keep it simple and sweet without leaving too much out.

Category Fitness (Since this is on BB.com, I’ll start here….LOL)

My fitness and health is a big part of my life. Especially as a recovered ED person.  Right now I am very focused on building a strong, muscular body. I am eating enough and mostly eating healthy. I refuse to be super strict because of my past ED.  I want to be between 140-150 lbs and around 12% body fat. This is my tangible goal. My intangible goal is to feel strong and confident by continuing to build muscle and keeping my motivation high.  Right now I feel like I AM headed in the right direction for this goal.

Category Career & Hobbies (Not including fitness)

I have always been one of those people that like A LOT of different things and can learn quickly. However, I can get bored with a job almost as quick as I can learn it. I am lucky enough now to have a job that I like and gives me enough freedom not to get bored. However, I like to have art projects and ways to express myself. I would consider my tattoos to fit into this category. They are a hobby and an artistic expression that keep me sane. Photography is another. Really, I appreciate almost any artistic outlet and would love to have more time to dedicate to these activities. My tattoo work will get added onto when we get the $$ (which isn’t anytime soon. Sigh). I have a cheap camera I play with and I love to spend time messing with Photoshop. I recently started working with a photographer that wanted to photograph people like me. This really my quells my artsy urge. It’s like I have this need to create. I keep having to find new ways to fill this void. This is one area I want to improve on.

Category Living, Life, and Wishes

I don’t need to get rich. But I don’t want to be poor. I want to get out of debt so we can buy whatever we want at the grocery store. I don’t need a fancy house or car. But I would like to live somewhere with nice weather and mountains. And nice people (Is this possible anymore?). I want to travel. I want to experience the world before I am not able to. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband to share this life experience with and even if we always struggle at least I struggled with him. Probably our biggest goal is to get out of debt. This also seems so unrealistic at the moment. It’s hard to get out of debt when you can’t afford the minimums on everything. We lost a small business due to economic decline and were left with loads of debt. And got in even more debt trying to get out of debt (relocating, new job, etc). Gah. If we can ever just get that snowball rolling I will start to feel better about it all. This area is in the seriously needs improvement category. LOL.

Category Miscellaneous (Final thoughts and desires)

I want to know what it is life to be able to follow my whims. Spontaneously catch a plane to a place determined by a dart throw. Create all sorts of art whenever I feel like it.  Go camping in the mountains over and over again. Finish my tattoo work and be in a tattoo magazine. Learn to dance.  Write a book. All these things have one common denominator. Freedom. Such a simple yet very unattainable concept. Maybe this is why I have so many bird tattoos. I feel like a caged bird at times. Trying to find the combination to the lock on my cage.

For anyone who actually read this entire ramble….wow. Maybe some of you can relate. I’m sure I am not alone in this. Obviously I tried to keep it short enough to be somewhat digestible. I just needed to get some of this out there. Write it down. Hear it in my head. That way I can keep focused. Goals and patience go hand in hand. And I am not known for patience. So that is a new goal of mine. Work on my patience. Ha.

This post was inspired after watching several videos on YouTube about women doing drastic diets in order to obtain a size 0. My husband watched my jaw drop as I saw the horrible food habits these women were picking up for the sake of what? Journalism? Image? Curiosity?

As I watched show after show like a train wreak over the past day, I quickly realized that not only did none of these women know what they were getting themselves into, but they also did not take the Dr’s warning seriously. Why?

After struggling with anorexia and bulimia for several years I was horrified that these women were ‘experimenting’ with such dangerous practices. I saw tell tale signs of EDs appear as the dieting weeks progressed in every case.

It is obvious that people do not realize that you can give yourself an ED. And EDs are not something you can just snap out of. The mental anguish and physical pain is just torture, and it is no way I want to live.

EDs only function to keep women weak and too concerned about calories and weight to be a threat. Since when did weak and frail become beautiful? Size 0? Ridiculous!

The young in our society are being increasingly exposed to the media and propaganda. Girls are focusing on weight at younger and younger ages. They are not only being robbed of their youth, but potentially their lives as well. Figuratively and Literally.

The show I have linked below is only one of the several like it out there. The familiar ‘habits’ and mindsets that appeared with these women during their diet was disturbingly familiar and reinforces my goal of gaining muscle and becoming strong. With every day I put my ED further and further behind me, but it is there in the back of my mind. Waiting. And I know if I am not diligent I could sink back into the misery.  These women just have no idea what kind of fire they are playing with. Eating disorders are talked about, but obviously not understood by enough people. They are a sign of sickness. Not something to be so admired and considered sexy. Health is sexy. Muscle is sexy. Bones are not. Vomit is not.

So I have recognized that I seem to have been slumping a little bit here in the last few weeks. My energy is down and my motivation is a bit down too. I am still hitting the gym regularity, but my food on the weekends is slacking a bit. Less protein, more carbs….that type of crap.

I think one thing that is getting me down is my arms just aren’t growing fast. My relaxed measurements are the same as they were a couple of months ago and my flexed is only 1/4" bigger.

Yes, I can see more muscle everywhere. Yes, I do have more arm definition. I CAN see progress. But I want MORE. I want to gain lots more muscle and it seems like I have been working my ass off and eating tons and seeing very little gains. Maybe I just don’t have a good idea of what is possible.

Maybe I am being unrealistic.

I don’t necessarily want to compete, but I want to look like I could. With bodybuilding too, not figure. I want muscle dammit. LOL.

I am not going to let this slow me down, but I am looking for ways to increase my mass. I am going to keep on keeping on and keep shoveling in the protein. I know it will come. Slowly. Sigh.

My log for the last couple of months outlines my routine and food. I think I have developed a good plan. I guess I am just impatient.

Well, I am headed to the gym to work on my chest and biceps. I just felt like putting this out there for some strange reason. I don’t really expect a response, but maybe just putting my frustration on "paper" will help me overcome my doldrums.

Soooo, I just signed up with a local gym and the manager is starting me on a training program.

I had my first workout with him today, and WOW WOW I really felt like I got something accomplished. He made me feel like my workouts at home were pussy workouts! Lol.

Since I am trying to really build some muscle I need a trainer like him! Form is important and he is not afraid to tell me I am doing it wrong and to do it over. Ha! I like that.

I have also signed up for the LG Sciences 12 week transformation contest, and with him as a trainer I think I just might win!

So if anyone is looking for a trainer in north virgina, LarryBraithwaite at Fitness First. He rocks!

So, been a few weeks since I posted, but I’m still on track! The beginning of my 8th week started out with a bang when I did 20 push-ups for the first time EVER! When I started I could do 2…maybe 3 if I was lucky. Every week I am experiencing strength increases and feeling the firmness. Oh yeah!

Now I have decided to dub December as the "Get a Six Pack, Loose the Love Handles" month. I figure since I really don’t need to lose a lot of fat to see some nice definition, I can focus on loosing a little fat without seeing a negative impact in the muscle department. So I am cutting the cals a bit (just a bit, I’m not getting all eating disordered on your guys) and upping my cardio! Bang, off to the races!

But I must make a confession:

I have chosen this month in particular because my husband is out of state for a few weeks and I want him to be surprised when he comes back….so hunny if you are reading this (which I’m sure you are ) be prepared for some serious hotness.

Now, the question remains….do I post weekly progress pics (that my hubby will see) or should I wait until he comes back and leave him (and everyone else) in suspense? I do like drama……ha!

I’ll leave this one up to you guys (an gals)….just leave a comment with an explanation and I will select the best answer and post it at the end of this week with my decision and maybe a pic (depending on my choice of course!)

Tonight I had the itch. That craving to move. So after my protein shake dinner I decided to time a two mile run. I wasn’t even going to attempt a longer run like last week. I just didn’t have the energy since I just finished my work week.

I just told myself, "Hey! Your time last week was a 12 min mile. You can at least do that. And it should only take you at most 24 minutes. You can do that". So at that point I just put on my running clothes and didn’t give myself an option. I was going go on a two mile run. Then I could relax.

We all have (at least, ha ha) two voices in our head. And they usually have conflicting opinions or demands. The art of bodybuilding, fitness, or any thing that requires self discipline requires you to turn off or ignore the dissenting voice. That voice that says you are TOO tired to work out or eat just ONE more cookie (yeah right).

So once my protagonist voice has decided to do something, I am getting better at instantly eliminating all other options. If I don’t even consider the alternative (or at least minimize its impact), and only concentrate on HOW I am going to achieve that particular task, I am much more successful.

Even though I was tired, even though today was leg day, and even though it was chilly and windy. I ran. And not only did I run, but I beat my time from last week. Two miles in 20 minutes. Sweet.

The feeling of taking control, pushing yourself, and beating personal challenges is empowering. Every time I push through a moment such as this, the next one is easier because I remember how great it felt the last time.

Motivation and discipline must be worked like muscle.

So whether it is running an extra mile, eating one less cookie, or finding energy during ‘one of those days’, just keep challenging your motivation and self-discipline. Just like your muscles, they will get bigger the more they are worked.

I am now beginning my 5th week of weight training. I am starting to see results and my confidence is way up. I feel like I have a good workout plan. However, I have been having trouble regulating myself with my new found appetite.

Don’t get me wrong now, I am not worried about how many calories as much as the quality. I have been planning meals and eating clean for the most part, but I have a few bad habits that I feel are impacting my goals.

The first is one many of you can probably relate to: Free food at work. This is a fairly new situation for me. Until my husband and I moved to Virginia 7 months ago, we were self employed so work food was never as issue. I had complete control. But now with my newish job, people are constantly bringing in all those refined carb crap foods. I do eat my healty meals, but I have had a tendency to snack. Arrrg.

The second problem which is all too common is sneaking bites of easy to grab food in the eveings. A handfull of mini-wheats here, a spoonfull of peanut butter there. It adds up.

This snacking is more habitual and compulsive due to prior eating disorder issues. Every now and then I still have issues with bingeing but I don’t beat myself up like I once did.

So I have devised a diet plan for the next 4 weeks (or weeks 5-8 of my training) to help me eliminate the extra snacking and unclean foods so my macro percentages will be spot on. I will still be consuming between 1700-2000 calories a day, but I am making a commitment not to eat free work food, not to snack on my husband’s cereal, no refined carbs or processed foods. Unclean foods are really a very small part of my diet as it is, but these tend to be trigger foods for me. As a result, my carb intake has been creaping up and my protein percentage has been falling some.

I plan on keeping my macro levels at approximatley 30% protein, 30% fat, and 40% carbs. Lately it has been more like 20% protein, 20% fat, and 60% carbs.

Because I am such a nerd, I have these sheets I made so I can fill out my daily macro levels and I have a check list of ‘off-limit’ foods that I mark where or not I have eaten these foods each day. That way I have a visible progress sheet which helps me stay motivated. I also keep a food diary.

Training not only involves the body but the mind as well. Motivation has to be there on all levels and having a plan is a must. Repeat success does not come by accident.

Well, I got my weekly run in tonight! I am amazed at how much endurance I have after only 1 month. I ran a total of 4.2 miles in 50 minutes. Which is about a 12 minute mile. Sweet.

I have this thing for running or biking at night. My husband and I are already night owls, and my work schedule only exacerbates the problem.

But I think I prefer the peace and solitude of the night verses the day. I find it very soothing to put my headphones on and run or bike under the stars with a cool breeze. Only seeing a car every now and then. Maybe a stray deer or bunny (as I did tonight). It’s like meditating. It grounds me. Brings me back to reality since I tend to stay in the clouds.

It is such a rush to be capable of just running and running. To feel my heart beat. My lungs filling with the night air. It is a very surreal experience yet at the same time it couldn’t be more real. So what does that say about our lives? Our perception of reality.

We go though life like a story, adding pages every day. Running to me is like pausing and reading what you have written. And then you can either pick up where you left off or you can change the story. It makes me be more honest with myself.
I think about where I have been and where I am going. I think about how I can change my journey for the better. Now how can that be bad? Self reflection is far too underrated.

Since I finally made an appearance in the Female Forum, I figured it was time to put up my first post.

To summarize my journey thus far would take pages, but the gist of it (like so many other females here) is that several years of disordered eating left me with very little muscle and a higher that expected body fat percentage given my skinny appearance.

I have been obsessed with nutrition for years, but struggled with eating enough. I feared fatness. Ironically I ended up with the same amount fat at 118lbs that I had at 128lbs in high school.
I finally decided that I did not want to live that way. I stopped thinking about changing, like so many times before, but actually DECIDED to change. This must end. No muscle. No strength. Suffering self-esteem. How can I possible build up confidence if stepping on the scale gives me anxiety and eating a couple of hundred extra calories makes me feel horrible guilty? 1200 calories is NOT maintenance.

I started my personal challenge in the beginning of October. I am lucky to have a very supportive husband who has always helped my motivation and preserverence.  I am at the end of 4 solid weeks of wight lifting and I can see progress. Slowly but surely. And it excites me!

My goals are muscle, strength, and muscle.

I am glad that such a supportive forum exist for women who are trying to change their bodies for the better. The super skinny standard societal image for women can be a tough one to fight. Weak bodies lead to weak minds.

I intend to take this challenge head on and build muscle like a WOMAN! Hell Yeah!