Ratha’s BodyBlog

The clear direction I talked about in my last post has been created.

However, I’m falling down old familar roads. It starts with too much fruit or any refined sugar and developes into a downward spiral of stressing myself out and eating because I "screwed up anyway". My body starts craving constant supply of simple carbs and it becomes incredibly hard to slow down the constant need for fuel. The worst is when I give in and think, "these cookies are worth more to me right now than any fitness goals I may attain in the far future".

After a couple hours my higher self is like, "damn, why’d I lose it over cookies? I don’t even really like cookies…may as well ate something real good like pizza…or pancakes with lots of maple syrup." That sounds kind of ridic. but when I let myself cheat I usually go for a carb-binge that’s what I’ve been craving, make it healthy as possible and not binge out afterwards. One meal a week tops and it feels good. I’m nice to myself on those occassions and it works. It’s when I do not give myself permission before-hand and I seem to leave my brain and my higher-self in another room and just mindlessly eat something horrible happens:

I become my worst enemy. I start hating myself. I think of all the progress lost. I think of starving myself…fasting…doing something extreme to get myself back on track, to show myself I have the willpower. So now I’m no longer friends with myself and starving, I get hungrier….and hungrier….then it happens again. I get all stressed out and on the downward spiral goes.

Simply, I need to keep mindful and keep being my own friend. Sounds corny, but it’s true. Dropping the ball isn’t the end of the world. I make progress when I chill out and stop obsessing. No counting calories, no starving, no dissing myself for lack of willpower, just having fun and feeling good. I know what a good clean meal that helps me lose weight looks like. I know how to plan ahead. I know how to turn my mind from those cookies and I know what too much fruit on it’s own does to my insulin levels. There shouldn’t be a problem.

So I’m going to stop making them.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a progress pic because there has been little progress. I’ve lost five to ten pounds and gained five to ten pounds. I do really well for weeks and then get on a sugar binge and see a huge weight gain. I then hop back on the clean-eating wagon. Around times I pressure myself to be more mindful of how much and what I’m eating I generally eat more, and eat to alleviate stress (that’s a joke). 

This is one of those times. I now have less than two months to prepare for a fitness test. All I want to do is maintain my strength and lose my body fat. I have been hitting the gym very hard lately, sometimes with gaspari superpump. I love the feeling, I love working out hard, especially when I have so much energy I have to cut myself off, not because I’m tired. I’ve been doing circuits very recently, and always incoorperate a good old sprint interval here and there. Working out has never been my problem area. 

It’s nutrition. And I know all the problems. It’s lack of meal planning, it’s eating still for emotional reasons, it’s my pms being a sugar-craving bitch and eating things that spur on my sugar cravings: too much fruit and/or any refined sugar. The rollercoaster from the surface is weight gain and loss, but from within it is simply emotional states and insulin levels. Both can be helped. So that is what I’m going to focus on. 

And hopefully in a couple weeks to a month I will have a progress pic that shows a clear direction.

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