Pssyctdoll21’s BodyBlog

One step at a time. Thank you to everyone for your kind words yesterday and encouragement! wow that made me feel so much better to know that I wasnt alone in this world that can be on consuming with being "perfect". I woke up today, discouraged at the scale. But I am vowing to not worry about it so much and maybe start checking my bodyfat. Its just so frustrating all of last week, I lifted 4 days a week, an increase in what i was doing before, cardio for 6 days. And I gain 2.5 pounds what the HELL!!!! I cant have that much muscle. I have no prob going to the gym at all or eating healthy food. I used to be a veg head so I can eat mass amounts of vegetables and not blink an eye. I guess my prob is meal planning and timing. I get sick and tired of having to make and eat tons of foood. That is where I get so frustrated. I just made a crap load of chicken on saturday, a big fosters chicken breasts pack from costco. I have 5 lunches made, I had 2 meals yesterday, plus husband had a meal, and dinner today, there is only 4 breasts left how is that possible! How in the world do people keep up, being a vegetarian was easier than having to make tons of chicken. I hate seafood so that whole food group is out, which really sucks, I wish I liked salmon, tuna, or any type of fish. Darn!

 Anyways! Sorry about my chicken rant. At least I had a really good workout today. Ive been blasting through them with help from this stuff I just bought. Its called Torque by Body Fuel, similar to No Explode. It felt so good, I pumped through my workout. Iweigh 134.5 pounds, tons of people here lift weights and weigh less, so I dont understand that my muslce could weigh that much. I really want to get down to 120 pounds, I feel like it will never happen, Ive been perpetually stuck in the 30’s for almost 2 years now. People please advise my diet!!! Err im so frustrated right now.

Workout - shoulders, triceps, abs, 30 min elliptical. - total takes 1.5 hrs

745 - apple, 2 coffees 1145- optimum power brand oatmeal (usually eat around 930 or 10am was in meeting today) i made egg beaters also but they were disgusting when i reheated them so i didnt eat them!

115- 4.5 oz chicken, 1 whole wheat pita, spinach, small tomato, broccoli & cauliflower  330- oats packet-sugar free, apple

5- torque pre-workout stuff   630- apex oatmeal raisin bar   745- made a gigantic salad - bag of green beans, some spring mix & romaine, 1 small tomato, 6 oz chicken (i measure out 4 oz for salad then i pick at cold chicken!), 2 tbs fat free balsamic dressing from trader joes (25cals)

830- 2 oz chicken (more picking)  All day drank tons of water - 1 gallon total plus 1 powerade zero after gym, 1 zero cal vitamin water, 3 teas during day, 2 coffees in morning

hi everyone, i just read amysuds blog, im sure other people have seen her on here. she has a great body, an inspiration im sure to lots of people. i figured she was just another perfect person on this website. I feel so unperfect and "good enough" when i come on here, but i decided to read her blog anyways and i found her to be so open about her faults and realized that no one is perfect no matter how perfect their pics look. sometimes getting there is a tough hard road, not an easy fix of just going to the gym. I feel like getting the body you want is more about overcoming your mental challenges more than anything else! she talked about the alcoholism in  her past, her openness made me realize that I should be open too about my issues, maybe it will help someone or maybe someone will have some advice for me.

Ive struggled with eating disorders since I was 18, I lost weight through not eating, then later bounced back and forth between anorexia and bulimia. When I met my husband, I recovered from a very difficult time of bulimia. I hated my life, myself, my body and I loathed food. I feel like I will never be free from that, because I always know in the back of my mind the quick fix or the way to lose weight quickly and now I eat healthy and I still count calories and I know that it still drives me nuts in some sense. Going out to dinners out, my disordered thinking always comes out, and that happenend to me last night and yesterday day. During the day, I had a good lunch, chicken, salad with balsamic, went ahead and ordered 2 champagnes. Had a couple onion rings from my hsubands plate. Then we went to this awesome new hotel and had 2 cocktails there. That loosened me up and I got home, pissed off about how I had "ruined" all my good diet work. I did something I havent done in ages, I binged, I bought ice cream and junk and purged. How emberassing it is to admit this I hadnt done that in over 2 years. Then I went to dinner out and came home and purged again. I felt like crap all day today, thinking about what I did and why. Why did I give in to my demons, so I am trying to get over my mistakes and realize that today and tomorrow, this week is going to be better days. And one relapse doesnt mean I have to go back to being like that. I ate a normal breakfast today, did 30 min cardio, although today was my day off, I just had to get some relaxation from my mind. I had 2 other meals today and I feel better and journaling this is helping me.  I feel ashamed, disgusting, but oh well I have to get over it and I’ll be okay. I know I will be okay!!!

I just love feeling better and making healthy choices. It makes me realize how important they are to my well being. It makes me feel like Im back to my old self and feeling normal. I just started reading Tom Venuto’s, lots of good info, that I have to say I already knew, but I really like he puts alot of the information. I read alot about nutrition, diets, training, Ive tried everything under the sun. My problem is actually following a plan and eating the food as I am supposed to. I have no problem doing workouts, thats my fave. Ive been doing it for years, but I know I am simply maintaing because of my diet. I’ve had eating disorders, so that mind set is very hard to shake. But with this book, I am actually going to try to follow his diet, which is basic knowledge, and eat every 3 hours. As of a few weeks ago, I was back to being a vegetarian but I found that I was just not satisfied. I really didn’t lose any weight despite the tons of vegetables, I was eating way too much and not feeling satisfied at all. Also eating lots of soy and salads, salad dressings which have a lot of sodium.

Things I know I shouldnt do but I do them anyways.

Eating breakfast late around 10 or 11am, when I wake up at 7am. Skipping meals. Waiting to long to eat after I workout. End up eating a lot at night. I eat healthy foods, like brocolli, cauliflower, veggies, salads, but I will eat tons around 7 and 8 because I am so hungry. But I tell myself its okay, its just vegetables. Or I get so hungry I pick at chicken or foods out of my fridge, and dont realize how much I am eating. I usually just eyeball it and guess how much I think it is. Weekends go half the day without eating, then snack all day till I am super full. Mind you most of my snacks are healthy. All bad habits that I am trying to break. Its going to take time, but i have to at least try.

Im going to try to post my food and workouts. Maybe I can get some advice.

Food Today:

9am- oatmeal packet, scoop lean dessert pp

12- 5.5 oz chicken, 8 asparagus, 2.5 oz sweet potato

330- at gym, didnt have anything to eat, so I bought a Apex oatmeal raisin pro bar instead of skipping. not the best but im trying. 150 cals, 3fat, 9protein, 23carbs.

545- had to clean my whole house!!! so mad. 3oz sweet potato before i cleaned

630- 7 oz. chicken, too much i was eating some while i made veggies, handful green beans, 3 baby carrots, 4 or 5 oz. sweet potato, 4 cauliflower pieces, sodium free salsa from trader joes, 1 tblspoon bbq sauce (i know bad but i needed some taste & i measured it)

next meal - ?? im full and i dont even know if i can eat anymore considering i get into bed around 930, sleep by 11pm, but its only 4 meals! oyy veyy, why is this so hard for me.

Workout-

Shoulders - lat raises, overhead press, rear flys

Triceps- pulldown, kickbacks, overhead extension

Abs- Supposed to do chest with this workout but I cannot due to my chest surgery. If I push myself with chest or back exercises, as of last week I was having pains so I have to lay low on those.

30 min elliptical (a weird new one), 10 min precor

Well i realized i never realy kept posting. I guess I felt like a failure, afraid to talk about how I failed. When I say failing, I wanted to see how long I could go without drinking. I did 2 solid weeks, since then been drinking maybe once or twice a week. Going on my mini detox made me realize I didn’t need to drink at every event and I didn’t need to drink tons when I went out for a night out on the town. I had been keeping strong at having 2 glasses of wine everytime I went out. Not ordering vodka drinks or anything else. Well last weekend, I went back to my old ways, drank lots with my husband, and then this weekend, drank all weekend cuz I had a long weekend to celebrate. I really drank too much, didn’t eat enough or balanced. But yesterday I made tons of chicken, veggies, sweet potatoes, and made a healthy dinner to get back on track. Although I still had in my mind the thought well, Ill just start on monday. So I had some wine last night, 2 granola bars. They are my downfall, my husband buys them and I dont really eat a lot of junk honestly, but when those are in the house and I have thrown caution to the wind, I end up eating them.

On a good note, I worked out yesterday, despite being the day after 4th of July I got up at 9am and worked out hard. I did shoulders, quads, and the stairclimber. Today, no workout I slept in. I usually work out every sunday, I woke up super late, everything caught up with me I think. I went to cheesecake factory, I had some bread, 2 margaritas, and a small salad. Ughh!! Like I said I said F’it, Ill start tomorrow, which I am. So my goal is to come on here, post more often, maybe get some tips and advice from others.

On another note, I weigh exactly the same as I did before. I wonder why, I havent been drinking my water, overall I had a bad eating and drinking weekend. Oh well. I will start tomorrow, I will get back to my old healthy self. Its not that hard, it was only 3 days of crappiness, not 3 months. I am trying to think positive, can you tell.

Stats as of Today: 7/6/08

Weight: 132.5 

Thanks to everyone for your support. You don’t know how great that is to see those comments after wantting to throw in the towel and say forget this! It’s a sign I guess Well im staying in tonight, watching movies and making dinner. No need to go out and drink, I just miss the socialization part as someone mentioned.

So another day not drinking. I just want people to know I am not in alcoholic im jsut trying to give up drinking for a while to give myself a little challenge. I’m just tired of always going to bars to have "fun" and ruining all my gains in the gym each week.

 Boy am I tired today. I havent done yoga in 2 years and I did a class today called yoga pump to get myself started. Its supposed to incorporate strenght training in it. Im proud to say I was able to get through all the poses and my strength was very good. Im just not as flexible as I used to be with yoga. I think im going to start doing it once a week, to challenge my muscles.

Workout today- 15 min precor., Yoga Pump class

Thirsty thursday and I would really love to go out with friends for a drink but nah its not worth it. I am already feeling leaner and better about myself

So I havent been very good at updating. i always come on here so I should update. My detox from alcohol has been going, its not FUN but I havent drank. There are times where Ive really missed it and then I wake up the next day feeling so much better and glad I didnt. I have been doing so good that I have motivated my husband to start as well. woo hoo!!

 Challeges so far:

Day 1-got invited to drink, declined

Day 3 & Day 10- usually drink wine on Wednesdays, none whats so ever.

Day 5- Friday, really wanted wine with dinner, Day 6- No mimomas with brunch, Day 7- no sunday night glass of wine or beer while watching game with husband

Gym has been going GOOD!

Yesterday

Upper Body, Super Sets, 20 min tread climber, 15 min elliptical

Today-

Legs, Super Sets, 20 min tread climber, 10 min elliptical

I decided today, actually this weekend that I want to give up alcohol. I have the last 15 pounds that I cannot seem to lose. I lost 7 pounds in april and I regained it back. Due to lots of nights consuming cocktails and coming home and binging on junk food. Honestly I know this is going to be hard. Drinking with my husband, going out with friends, wanting a release from my day, there has to be another solution than just drinking. I want to see if I will get better results. I work out hard and I eat right, but I cant lose any weight and I know its becuase I do good all week and come Friday I throw all inhibitions out the door. I am also trying to give up dairy, lets see if I can do this I think I can!

Today has been day 1- obstacles so far wanted cheese with salad, friend invited me to sushi dinner. Im not ready for that, I know I will drink its only day 1.

Workout

35 min elliptical trainer

leg lifts, squats, plie squats

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