“I Have Already Been Here!”
It’s 1:30AM..I am in bed n pretty tired since I was up at 730AM to get my hair done on only 3 hours of rest. I could not sleep for the life of me last night so I had coffee, vanilla whey, glutamine, a lil skim milk and a banana all blended together for breakfast. Must say it was very tasty! Today was my rest day and other than get up early get my hair done and get my CAR 
I did pretty much nothing. Yes..I said car 
No more biking or busing an hour for leg day to get to the gym for me! I am kinda happy I get to wake up and not have to rush for the bus.
Anyways I think I attempted to write a blog like three times today..each about the same thing but from a different perspective. I stopped each time because I realized what I was going to type would not solve anything. I basically was going to mention the fact that I have been thinking a lot about my competition, where I am at and where I have to/want to be. It discourages the living sh!t outta me because I know I do not look like I am 4 weeks out..at least this is not how I want to look! I have this vision in my mind of how I would allow myself to step on stage looking like and this aint it! I was not planning on stopping my contest diet I was going to keep doing everything the same except not as much cardio and bring up the calories a bit. However, after talking to a certain someone whom you can find in my inspirational ppl..I realized I can not just stop this journey..I have to keep moving forward! All my life I have been afraid to fail, afraid to not be good at everything I do. Perfection drives me and it can be an awful thing when you have that mind set. Also I think a lot of this doubt and discouragement has a lot to do with the fact that I allowed myself to gain 25 pounds in 2 years. I was at 157lbs in 2006 lost the weight in 2007 leaving me at 130lbs then life hit me HARD and instead of turning it into a reason to drive myself I allowed it too ruin me instead. So I gained back the weight plus close to 10lbs (did still workout so muscle was gained)..& now I am at 140-145lbs looking actually better than I did last time I was at this weight BUT I keep going to back to a specific fact "I have already been here". I get this feeling like I should never have allowed myself to gain that weight back in the first place and had I not I would look so great RIGHT now at 4 weeks out. THAT is the main issue that has been bothering me to tears..I feel embarassment, shame, regret and most of all disappointment. That is why I attempted to write this blog so many times..I wavered back n 4th about how i was feeling about this issue and why. Did I want to wait n be realistic and take my time n do it in May? Or did I want to finish what I started regardless of what I look like and prove to myself that not being perfect isn’t failing….so that is that. The competition is a go and I am going to work my a$$ off harder than I ever had to make sure I do not let myself down!
On a completely different note.. I am celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow with my family (only chicken breast, veggies and sweet potato for me)..but before that I am hitting the gym, I am going to train Chest and Back n of course do my Cardio. I am going to do 90 minutes just not sure when or in what way. lol! Anyways thats all for now!
Happy Thanksgiving wknd to all my fellow Canadians!
October 12, 2009 at 4:24 pm
We women tend to be very hard on ourselves. Having been in the wellness industry and now "fallen from grace," I have to admit that I struggle vehemently with much of the same sentiment. I am confident that you will work through it. Bodybuilding, I find, is not just working through physical resistance but also emotional. Hang in there. Fears tend to alter our perception of our progress.