Everyone stares at me at the gym, and all I can think is that my folds of fat are hanging over my shorts… I want to start wearing a sweatshirt for workouts, but I get too overheated.  Personal trainers have confronted me a few times in the past 2 months because most the time i spend between sets is grabbing onto the fat on my stomach.  I’m using a fat burner (MAN Scorch) but its not doing enough.

I’m really hoping I can pull myself together and build a body that I’m satisfied with soon.  I go back to school in a month, and I haven’t wanted to go out once this summer since I’m so ashamed of myself.  I haven’t dated once in 2 years, (I’ve already blogged about that), but at this point I don’t have the confidence to approach anyone, so I’m basically left with hoping someone will just come up to me and make things easy.

I’d like to think that I’m on a clean bulk since I haven’t cut my calories but to be honest, the thought of eating anything I see as ‘unhealthy’ is enough to make me sick.  I don’t want to deal with a therapist and don’t want to put my family through that, but I don’t want to be fat anymore.

Difficulty with flirting.

I’ve just kinda realized over the past few months that I’m really not a social person…  I went from being the guy that everyone knew in HS to some guy that people just watch from a distance.

I don’t really understand it; I catch people staring at me all the time, but no one ever actually talks to me… At the same time, I’m way too shy to instigate a conversation.

I’ve always been like this since I was a victim of the ugly-duckling syndrome, I missed out on social development in childhood and I’ve never had more than 3 friends at a time, or at least people I’ve considered friends… simultaneously, I’ve never considered someone a best friend.

I’d like to think that maybe I’m actually pretty and the girls on campus are just too shy because once again, I catch 9/10 girls that I walk by staring at me, and more often than not, they’re girls that I would LOVE to go out with.  Why can’t one of them just say hi to me?

The only time girls do flirt with me is either when they’re drunk or online, and more often than not, it’s a combination of the two.

I haven’t been on a single date since I broke up with my last girlfriend in June of 2006, and I haven’t had sex since August.  At this point, I could care less about sex, I really just want love.

I should also point out here that although I type at great lengths, I’ve never really been into Cybering…  Maybe I’ll get a webcam someday and that’ll change things.

My question to everyone:  Why won’t girls make the first move?  Even just as a kind change of pace?

Why I don’t Date/What I Look For In A Girl.

Ok, I know practically no one reads this, but I’m in the mood to write something down.

I suppose I’ll start this with a slight explanation of my social maturation.  You could say I was a "late-bloomer" into the dating world, since I used to be fat and had absolutely NO self-esteem, I didn’t even try to date until I was 16.  Although I had gotten skinny in time for 10th grade, I wasn’t used to people in high school actually giving me the time of day, or a second look in general.  I had to have it pointed out that apparently I was "hot."  If I were to actually accept that fate, I’d refer to myself as one with Ugly Duckling Syndrome, although I still think I’m hideous.

Since I had always been overweight, I missed out on the whole social skills building and formulating years of learning how to interact with other people, specifically the opposite sex.  I couldn’t tell the difference, (actually I still can’t), of someone flirting with me, or just being nice to me, so I remained oblivious for the first year, although I at least started making friends.  This was coincidentally when people started thinking I was gay, because I was absolutely clueless to the apparent droves of girls that were after me.

I had three first kisses.  I know this is somewhat against the rules, but let me explain.  The first "first" kiss was to my friend Kristen, and she was just that- a friend.  It was just a simple peck on the lips as you would give to a family member, and neither of us thought anything of it.  It was at an event for Marching Band, (yes I was a band geek in high school, and I still am at heart), and I don’t think I concentrated on her for more than 5 minutes of the night, so it was assumed that there was nothing to it.

My second first kiss was somewhat random.  It happened in Germany, either Heidelberg or Dinkelsbuhl, to a girl named Lauren.  We were on a chaperoned, (also band related), tour through Europe, and we happened to be on the same bus.  I was in a somewhat random but loving mood the first day I met her, as we were walking back to the buses after touring an old castle, after a quick introduction, I felt the impulse to ask for a hug to which she obliged.  After that, I suppose we flirted but I wouldn’t have known to think so at the time.  We run into each other a few times over the next few days, until one night we were all at the hotel pool.  Curfew was called, and I walked her back to her room.  She went in for the kiss which I only assumed would be to my cheek, so I turned just slightly enough to ruin the moment.  All may have been lost, but to the avail of an amazing rush of adrenaline.  It was two days later that we had the day to ourselves to tour a city still in Germany, when we had the idea to stop in the corner market by our hotel and get some foodstuffs.  I thought I was cool for pocketing 2 travel-size bottles of scotch, (although 15 at the time, still a year too young in Germany), I went to meet up with her, she was at the check-out with a handle of Jack Daniels.  Half the bottle was quickly gone between the two of us and a few others, we found ourselves in my hotel room.  My roommate for the trip quickly picked up the hint and left the room.  She came in for the kiss that I didn’t need to be an expert to know she sucked at it.  Pure Calculated Clockwise-Motion Crap.  It was emotionless and unsatisfying, only to be chalked up to the whiskey.  She had finished the bottle soon after and passed out, missing the concert we were to play that night.  I found out several days later that she had a boyfriend back home.

My third and final first kiss occurred on an actual first date, I suppose I’ll digress somewhat to give a background to how I found myself in this position.  Her name was also Kristen, a freshman when I was a junior.  We met at band camp, (haha, laugh it up… "one time, at band camp…"), she was in color guard, and I can’t quite remember but I’m pretty sure I found her attractive the first time I saw her.  I found out her last name, and was quickly made aware that I already knew her dad and brother through boy scouts, (a second break for laughter, yes I’m an Eagle Scout), and that was my ticket to strike a conversation.  Its not that I was any better at picking up on flirtation at this point, much less that she made it so wonderfully obvious that she liked me.  I had the full support of my friends to ask her out, and the aid of her best friend on a 3-way call to help me out.  Three weeks later, it was set for us to go see a movie.  At this point, I had found that she had a boyfriend of 6 months, Matt.  She was my first girlfriend-to-be, and I would be her 6th.  She dumped Matt, making some strange deal with him that she would go back to him under some strange condition that I don’t have enough patience to explain.  I finally asked her out on a Tuesday, and we went out to see "My Boss’ Daughter," or maybe it was that other similar Ashton Kutcher movie…whatever, on Saturday.  It was just a given; we were going to kiss during the movie.  There it was, about 45 minutes in, during a particularly dull scene, we locked.  We were officially a couple.

 My Past Girlfriends and the Wonderful Scars They’ve Left Me.

So, Kristen was an all-around good girl… when I met her.  She had a great body for a freshman, she was a swimmer, a singer and in marching band.  She had a cute face, and perfect American-Indian complexion.  She went to church every Sunday, a church to which she was very involved.  She was a virgin, and although I was her 6th boyfriend, she had never been passed first base.  I felt comforted by this, because I saw her as equal to me.  I respected her wishes, she had wanted to remain a virgin until marriage, and I wasn’t going to fight her on that.  I moved slowly, and I remember a specific day after school, three months into our relationship.  We were at my house just laying on my bed watching TV.  We spooned to take a nap together, and she moved my hand over her chest.  I didn’t know if she did it on purpose or not, but it was as if unlocking a secret in some video game; the chest was no longer off limits.  This quickly went from a sacred privilege to practically having my hand down her shirt in the school lobby before classes started, in front of all our friends.  Neither of us cared.  We had fun with this for a while, and eventually I started getting away with grabbing her ass too.  I remember it wasn’t until December 27th, that I got away with touching her pussy for the first time.  I was helping her carry gifts up to her room after Christmas, and we were just messing around standing in front of her bed.  I hadn’t even tried to push the envelope, my hand had scourged down the back of her pants and eventually found her little wet neighbor.  This opened all sorts of doors.  She learned from her friend Kayley how to give head, well… she learned the basic concepts; she was never that good at it, and from what I understand she still isn’t.  I learned the tricks of how to finger without going overboard, and I learned to go down.  She didn’t like the idea of it, so not only was giving her oral more of a gift for me, it never lasted that long.  It wasn’t until one night in April that I finally got my window.  We were dry humping in my bed, my parents were off somewhere as usual.  I had still respected her wishes to remain a virgin, but I knew how to push my boundaries.  I teased her, pressing in against her, barely going in.  When I could see that it was what she truly wanted, I asked if she was ready;  two seconds of thinking I hear, “do you have a condom?”  Of course.  And that was the night we lost our virginity.. I only wish it were more memorable beyond the fact that she never really had fun with sex.  Always under the covers and always missionary; I had to beg to keep the lights on.  So this was great, we started having sex CONSTANTLY, whenever we had the chance.  She started seeming more relaxed overall and I was a happy camper.  Shit didn’t hit the fan until that July, we were at the beach for 2 weeks, she woke me up with, “I haven’t had my period in 3 months,”  I noticed it wasn’t even 8am, so I told her to wake me up in 4 hours.  Later that day, we got two double-tests from a pharmacy; over the course of the next few days, all 4 tests showed up positive.  She was pregnant.  I worried about this for a while, but for some reason was content in believing it would work itself out somehow.  After we got back from the trip though, I realized something didn’t add up.  Not only did we never not use a condom, nor did one ever break, I did the math to when she said she missed her period, and it lined up with a weekend that I was out of the country.  We started fighting, although I never brought up the idea that the baby wasn’t mine, I was pissed at her.  I knew exactly who it was.  We kept fighting until 3 days after I turned 17, she was at my house and she screamed from the bathroom.  She had a miscarriage.  This was conveniently several hours AFTER her parents found out she was pregnant.  We broke up 3 weeks later, and it was nearly two years before I talked to her again.  To add insult to injury, she started dating the guy I suspected less than a week after I dumped her.  As slight revenge, I got her to cheat on him with me a month later, and went back to not talking to her.  We had dated for 364 days.

Amanda….  I don’t know if I ever expected anything good to come from my relationship with her.  She cheated on not one, not two, but three boyfriends with me.  Unlike Kristen, she was much more experienced than I was, and she loved to show it.  Not only did she love to give head, but she swallowed too… not too shabby for a 15 year old.  This was 3 months after by breakup with Kristen, I was a 17 year old senior, and she was a sophomore.  We were in a married and single life class together, and we were …friendly with each other.  If I sat behind her, I would give her a little massage, things like that.  We started off small, I would give her a ride home from school, and she’d give me a hug…. nothing wrong.  It was the 3rd time I went to drive her home, I was about to work up the courage to ask for a kiss, but by the time I opened my mouth, she had already started.  I knew better than to think this meant a relationship, especially because she was already in one.  We continued to hook up in private, in back hallways at school and whatnot.  Our chance was actually within the classroom with a mock wedding.  As the only straight guy in the class, I was picked as the groom and was allowed to pick the bride.  Of course, I picked Amanda.  We had actually received extra credit for actually kissing in the wedding, others had compromised with handshakes or hugs.  We kept our dating a secret, although we weren’t official until she had broken up with her last boyfriend.  We “dated” for 3 months, although we only actually went out 3-4 times.  We had gone to the mall on Friday night, I’ll never forget.  It was December 15th, we went to the mall, as was the cool thing to do at that age.  She didn’t realize, but I purposely parked next to her ex’s car in a crowded lot.  Its like we both somehow knew that we weren’t about to go inside.  I turned the car off and we started to make out.  I ended up going down on her, (not even in the back seat, but I’m flexible), and thank God, she actually enjoys oral, I had gotten enough practice by then to be referred to as a “Sex God,” specifically with oral.  After she came the third time, apparently it was time to return the favor.  This was the first time I had gotten head from her, and it was the most amazing thing I had ever felt.  It only took me about 25 minutes to cum, but she was such a trooper, I wasn’t used to the girl not backing away as soon as she tasted it; she sucked me dry to the point I could have passed out.  After we put “everything” away, she kissed me again, and then she started to laugh a little.  It hadn’t even occurred to me what that odd taste might have been.  We decided to go into the mall to stretch our legs and to get something to drink.  I found it quite ironic that after a quick bathroom break, I ran into my friend Laura who laughed at the idea that we had just had sex in the mall bathroom.  I told her we didn’t, but then that was the only thing in my mind.  Amanda asked me what I wanted to do, and without 4 words we were back out to my car.  We re-parked, and this time went to the back seat.  She rode me as well as one can in the back of a Civic sedan.  It was wonderful, and I was able to have something to show off, as she now has a permanent scar on her knee from the brush burn caused by the door panel.  A month later, she became very stand-offish, and basically didn’t want to see me.  As it turned out, she was back with one of her ex’s, and just “forgot” to tell me.  We broke up when I dropped her off after school one day, and she gave me one last kiss; the absolute worst thing I thought I would have ever felt.  I shouldn’t have expected anything more from someone who’s ambition was to work at Hooter’s or become a legal prostitute.  I feel better now to know that since then, she’s gained 60 pounds.

Kayley.. my last attempt.  Worse than either girl before her; the only girl to drive me to attempt suicide.. several times.  She had been Kristen’s best friend.  She was also a swimmer, also a singer, also in guard, and she also played flute and piccolo.  A tiny 5′0″ 98lb Irish-French girl with red hair and brown eyes.  Pulchritudinous looks, and a great personality.. to begin with.  She was a flirt; she said it was just how she was naturally, but the non-euphemistic term would be “attention whore.”  Long before I was with her, two boyfriend before me, she could be found sitting on my lap, or at least always within one of my arms.  She was always nice, always pleasant.  I had practically been best friends with her for the past year.  I picked her up for school every day, which I supposed hinted to her that I liked her, since I lived across the street from the high school, so I turned a 7 minute walk into a 45 minute drive, including paying for parking.  She would greet me each morning with a hug and a quick kiss, we would then pick up two of her friends who were only slightly more out of the way and head on to school.  Sorry for the anachronism, but she had actually pointed out that she liked me a little before the school year started, and it was actually a little before I had even broken up with Kristen- she just happened to be on a family vacation at the time.  Kayley and I had gone to the movies one afternoon, I believe it was a Thursday, to see Napoleon Dynamite, I picked her up, and she was wearing a short green skirt and a white spaghetti-strap tank top.  She had her hair in French braids- I’ll never forget how she looked that day.  We went to the movies as friends, I was completely oblivious to her ‘warning’ - “Just don’t try anything, because I don’t think I’d be able to resist.”  I took that as “OK, I better not try anything.”  After the movie, she explained to me that she was upset with her boyfriend at the time and wasn’t sure what to do, so I told her to dump him, and hinted that soon I would be dumping Kristen.  She dumped him 2 hours later, and asked for a ride home.  We had kissed for the first real time 3 weeks later at a school dance I randomly showed up to.  It wasn’t until April that we had really hooked-up for the first time.  April 2nd to be exact.  It was at our home Jazz show, raining heavily, we found ourselves running through the partially empty school.  She pulled me into the alcove in front of my favorite history teacher’s door, Mr. Carr, and kissed me without backing away.  Two other people that both liked her were with us, so we hid it from them.  We got progressively closer with this, although she was dating a prick by the name of Joe, who she had dated and dumped once before.  He was abusive, and I hated him more than anyone or anything else.  Kayley and I would make out intensely every chance we got, and it wasn’t until one morning in late April that she got into my car and had a bruise on her left temple.  I knew exactly what it was and found Joe at school immediately.  I beat him harder than I’ve ever done to anyone else.  I broke 3 of his ribs, his left arm, his jaw, his nose and fractured his right eye socket.  I think I even dented the lockers that I had him pinned against.  I was furious, but the beating helped.  He didn’t get a single hit in on me, but the teachers there loved me.  Even though the entire beating was caught on school surveillance, I remained unscathed.   Kayley and Joe were over, and on May 7th, Kayley and I were official.  We thought it’d be funny to save our first time with sex with each other until after prom since we had already decided on going with each other, so that was fun.  The problems didn’t hit until the following year that I was a freshman in college, and she was a junior in high school.  I came home every weekend, and we had sex nearly every time we saw each other, but apparently that wasn’t enough.  I found after breaking up with her that over the course of that year, she had cheated on me with SEVENTEEN guys.  This is a girl who I totaled my car in a desperate attempt to see her for 5 minutes.  I turned down going to the emergency room because I tried to walk to her house from the wreck.  Although I had left her, for some reason I felt horrible for quite some time, and she decided to use it as leverage against me.  Since I had hurt her feelings, she said she would never be with me again.  I tried to overdose with painkillers, but by a stroke of luck, I vomited before passing out.  I’ve since gotten over her.

I dumped her on June 29th, 2006 and haven’t been on a single date since.  I’m afraid the pattern will continue.

What I Look For In A Girl
I’ll try to keep this brief since I realize I’ve been writing for over an hour now.

I have relatively low standards, since its been such long time, I find myself attracted to just about any girl that gives me a second look.  But here’s some of the characteristics I like:

• Hair, I like it short-medium length, with almost no preference over color… blonde is my least favorite
• Body type, I like a petite girl, or at least a girl that definitely takes care of herself
• I will always go for a “Cute” girl instead of a “Hot” one
• I won’t touch a smoker
• I don’t really like tattoo’s, but I don’t hate people who have them
• I’m about the same with piercings, not a fan of any below the face
• I like short girls, seriously 5′0 to about 5′5…. dunno why
• I like a B or C cup, although I’m much more concerned about her ass

• I want a girl who isn’t materialistic
• A girl who doesn’t wear a lot of jewelry or makeup
• A girl who doesn’t wear Abercrombie or Hollister
• I want a girl who’s smarter than me
• A girl who won’t just want me to buy things for her
• A girl with a job and ambition
• A girl with her own car

But most importantly, I want a girl with a good personality who likes me for who I am and NOT for how I look.

As long as I’m at it, my view on Valentin.

Why isn’t there some unwritten, (although preferably clearly written), rule stating that you should not be allowed to talk about your plans with your significant other in the presence of someone who is clearly not going to be doing anything that night?  Exceptions maybe being unless one is asked what they’re doing, (although this is purely done to spike a dull conversation, I don’t genuinely care).  The media is bad enough, I hate all the jewelry commercials the month before this little Hallmark invention, the worst currently being the Kay Jewelers commercial about the guy without a dick who tracks down his ‘honey’s’ childhood desk ornament, and thats not considered stalkerish, much less absolutely LAME.  I hope that actor was castrated, he is undeserving of a sack.  I’m relieved it wasn’t on youtube to have a link provided.

I digress, I try not to be bitter this time of year, but its hard to avoid… nearly as bad as christmas, (in my family at least).  Although I’ve been in relationships for 3 of my 20 valentine’s days, I’ve never gotten anything out of it.

The first one, I took my girlfriend out to dinner in Center City, at a very nice restaurant, (The Prime Rib), which wasn’t exactly cheap for a (at the time) 17 year old, before walking over to see an off-broadway performance of Les Miserables.  I chose this play because I knew she’d like it, but she didn’t know it was and still is my absolute favorite show, so I could consider it a gift to myself.  I’m glad I did, because she decided to go the route of, “ohh, i didnt think we were going to do anything.”

My second girlfriend, I should have seen this coming because she didn’t even try to make plans, I got her 3 dozen roses because i couldn’t decide on 1 color, it was a school day and her mom was picking her up, so I hid the flowers in her mom’s car.  She dumped me two days later.  I’ll blog in further detail over my ex’s some other time when I’m less pissed.

My third and last girlfriend was my freshman year of college, and she was a junior in highschool.  I knew not to expect anything from her, so I didn’t mind this one.  It was a tuesday that year, so I called her mom while my ex was at school, to warn her of a surprise visit.  (For some odd reason, I’ve always gotten along better with my friend’s and girlfriend’s parents better than the friend themselves).  I finished my classes for the day up at school, took the train home, arranged for a ride to my house where I got my own car, picked up the traditional candy and flowers, and surprised her at her house.  My gestures were appreciated, but greeted with a foul garlic breath, I suppose i really did catch her off guard, but it was a genuinely nice night.

It was other actions from that last girlfriend that I won’t divulge quiet yet that drove me to not wanting to even go on a single date since, that have left me alone for the past 2 years.  I have to say, any guy that breaks up because he wants to be single for a while, you will get sick of it sooner than you think.  I enjoyed it for about 4 months, and I’ve hated the other year and growing additional months with no end in sight.

So for those of you with significant others, have a great valentines day, but if you must talk about it, talk to someone who isn’t going to be on the verge of slitting their wrists that night.

How Guys View Attractive Girls.

this is purely just my opinion, but i’ve never found a single guy that didn’t agree with this.  I’ll apologize several times throughout this blog because most guy’s aren’t actually this rude, myself included.  I’m just keeping this very blunt to be clear; I almost feel bad thinking that I’ll be posting this.

There are two distinct categories of girls that I’d like to talk about, and I’ve found that 99% of girls fall directly into 1 of the two categories:
-Girls to ****
-Girls to Date

Its a common misconception that these two categories blend together, or that one category is worse to be in than the other.  The term “attractive” doesn’t simply refer to physical beauty, (the pulchritudinous for us fancy linguists), it entombs all aspects of personality, looks and general disposition.  I could be attracted to one girl for her political views, while being attracted to her friend’s ass cleavage… it’s vague.  Since girls seem to be confused by our nearly instantaneous judgment, I’d like to break down the characteristics of the two aforementioned placements.  Additional notes will follow.

Girls We Just Want for Sex
About 98% of attractive girls fall into this category.  I don’t mean to sound like a dick because I’m really not one in real life, but I will be blunt to keep clarity optimal.
-We really don’t care about you:  I don’t care if I’ve known you forever or if we just met…  honestly, I could care less if I knew your name.  If you give us the slight inclination that you’d **** us, we’ll do/say pretty much anything we need to simply to increase that chance.
-If we call you a bitch, slut, whore, ho, or even just call you hot/sexy just remember that although we mean them as a compliment (in such context), but they simply reflect your looks… we don’t care what kind of person you are.
-If we met you at a bar/club/frat party:  Don’t be surprised if we don’t show any kind of respect, not limited to even making eye contact.  Don’t ask for our phone number, we’ll give it to you if we want you again for later USE.
-This is where the idea of objectification comes into play:  When we’re simply looking for sexual satisfaction, you aren’t a woman; you are a tool, a means to our end.
-Don’t expect us to cuddle:  Honestly, I’ve had sex with girls and refused to hug them.  Know that sex does not equate to a relationship and most of us don’t even associate sex with emotion whatsoever.
-Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about:  Usually its nothing anyway, but its really not your concern.  If you do ask, don’t expect to hear the truth.
-One thing you can expect is that we WILL push our limits to see what you’ll let us do.

REDEMPTION:  This is why you shouldn’t be upset to be categorized into this.
Respect or not, we will work our asses off to show you a good time.  You are seeing us at our absolute peak of sociality, not to mention our absolute best sexual performances because we don’t feel the need to hold anything back for a different time.  Be it, this may mean something will end up going in your ass, but whatever… there has never been a single girl that I’ve been with that didn’t end up loving it, (a little aside, a finger in the ass during doggy style is the difference between a good orgasm and an absolutely crippling orgasm).  You won’t have to deal with us trying to sugarcoat anything, and you won’t have to play therapist to our personal problems.  You don’t need to worry about us stalking you because we fully understand that unless otherwise agreed, this is a one time thing.  You can turn us into objects as well, should we give you our (real) number, you can treat us as badly as you want…  I’ve walked miles in freezing cold in a bad neighborhood for a girl that needed to be eaten out at 3am on a Wednesday night.  You do have that power, most guys actually enjoy being treated like a toy if we know that emotions aren’t involved.

Girls We Want to Date
The remaining 2% of attractive girls are in this elite group, and on a rare occasion one may be transfered from one group to the other.  You are the girls we will do anything for.  Not just for sex, 9 times out of 10, we’ll break our backs just to see you smile.  You’re the smart and funny girls that make us happy, and looks are just icing on the cake.
-You can expect us to call/text/IM/whatever you constantly:  We do this because even if we know we can’t hang out with you on some occasion, its nice to hear you’re voice.
-We do want to know how your day was:  If it included hanging out with another guy, we want every detail because we do get jealous easily.  Most guys will keep this bottled up for a while, so just because we don’t complain doesn’t mean we aren’t pissed.
-We trust you to an extent:  You need to earn our trust, and its not an easy task.  Its damn near impossible for us to trust you if its ever been broken too.  There’s no point to lying to us because guys talk to guys just as much as you talk to your girlfriends… if you’ve been screwing around, we WILL find out.  The least you can do is let us hear it from you.
-Its not that we like to argue:  I know girls that will continue to argue even after they’ve realized they were wrong.  Just remember, we ONLY argue when we KNOW we’re right, so yes that does make it feel like you always lose arguments but its not because we’re trying to be mean.  The second you crack a tear, we could care less about the argument.
-If you’re in a relationship, a guy feels as much pressure from every member of your family, (especially parents), as they do from you.  It can be hard, so don’t be upset if we’re hesitant to see/meet them.
-Guys do think about marriage before its mentioned:  We honestly do have a predetermined idea of whether or not we could marry you, but the second you start talking about it, it freaks us the **** out.
-No guy will ever call a girl he genuinely cares about a bitch, ho, slut, whore, etc…  Most guys won’t even use words like hot/sexy because they really only reflect looks.  If we call you beautiful, gorgeous, pulchritudinous, etc… we mean it.
-If a guy truly loves you, he would take cuddling over a blow job any day: just keep in mind, I didn’t find this true until I was 18, so enjoy the sex while you’re young, you will calm down a bit eventually
-With that said, sex is still important.  It is the easiest way to keep a relationship strong, to have sex frequently.  Not every day, or even every time you see each other, but 2-3 times a week is enough for you to be happy without making the relationship sex-based, (trust me, it sucks when it is).
-Be happy that we won’t be as tempted to shove something up your ass during sex, but its something you need to understand:  Anal is another option for us, something thats almost a privilege; we like the idea of being able to do something different, so keep your mind open.  If you don’t like the idea of it, just start with a finger and work your way up.  Keep in mind that the anal ring has about 3 times the amount of nerve endings that your g-spot does, and anal sex EASILY hits the nerves in your g-spot, so once you’re stretched to the point of comfort, you’re in for a good time.
-All guys want a nice girl they can show off to their parents, but is a whore in the sack.  Its a beautiful combination.
-Last but definitely not least:  WE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.  I know I already said this, but it can’t be stressed enough.  We will kill for you just as quickly as we’d hold a door open for you.  You are the girls that we will love entirely; it may take us a while to actually tell you we love you, but just because a guy hasn’t said it yet doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

Double Standard:
Contrary to the girls we just want sex with, you can NOT treat us like toys.  We respect you, an we NEED that same amount of respect in return.  Guys understand when their buddy can’t hang out with them because he’s with his girlfriend, girls should do the same in return.  We will not tolerate being treated badly, and thats usually what causes us to cheat.  If you keep us happy, we have no reason to cheat.

To wrap up, I know I glorified the girls to date category, but it is something special.  I wrote this in full awareness that girls have similar mentalities towards men, and would love to hear a rebuttal from the female point of view.
Yes it is entirely possible to meet a guy at a party and end up in a good relationship, but most guys have reservations about actually dating a girl that would even go to a party like that.  No guy is going to find you more attractive because you drink or smoke… actually its the exact opposite.  I personally refuse to date a girl that drinks/smokes.  Every guy wants a girl who is smarter than him, and feels like she would be able to take care of him.  I have had relationships where I honestly felt the only reason the girl was dating me was because I could drive her around and I had some extra cash to throw around.  The second I get the feeling that you’re dating me because you expect me to buy you shit, you are gone.  Actually, I’ve never spent more than about $40 on any gift/date, nor did I ever feel the need to, and it never caused a problem.

Once again, I feel horrible for writing this, and it is not how I actually treat people… this is simply meant for guidance and even entertainment; in real life, I’m considered a gentleman.

I’d love some feedback to hear what you think about this little diatribe.

Apparently the stops on the smith machine, (I’ll usually refer to as the power-assist bar), are just for show.

I had set them up so I could go down to my normal angle on squats since I didn’t have someone to spot me today.  First 5 sets out of the way, actually done better than usual.  6th set comes up, which is my heaviest before going back down to just the bar over medial increments, and I’ve got the first 5 reps out pretty well, at 445lbs.  My max is over 500, but I had other shit to do today.

6th rep comes up and I went down a little too far for comfort and BAM.  The ENTIRE weight comes crashing through the stoppers onto the back of my neck without even slowing down until the 45lb plates had hit the floor.  Crushed me like a ****ing soda can.  It hurt like hell, but I didn’t want to look like a pussy so I re-racked everything and got ready for my 7th set, (although I immediately went down to 225lbs).  I didn’t pay much attention to it besides the loud cracking noise that was louder than the gym music and my iPod combined.  That cracking noise?  It was my neck, my lower back, and my right ankle.  I refused to acknowledge the pain and I finished my workout.

What do I have to show for it now?  I can’t move my head, I’m limping and I can barely twist my back.  Wow I’m a moron.

So, I finished my little Leukic/Gakic stack with naNO vapor, still taking the vapor though.  In just looking at myself, I can see a little difference in my pumps, possibly a little more definition, but I’ll take pics tomorrow to confirm.

The only definite results I got were from the Leukic, I undoubtedly raised my weights.  Everything went up- squats, deadlifts, bench press, shoulder press, even my calf raises.  There is no doubt in my mind that it worked.

I can’t say the same about the Gakic, since I didn’t gain any weight, although I don’t think my diet was picture-perfect… I’ll head over to the forums after I post this to get a better sense of what I should be eating.  Actually, I know I didn’t gain any weight, but waist has literally shrunk back to 30".  Fun any other day, but I had to punch a new hole into my favorite belt to wear it today.  I wonder if Banana Republic accepts returns because of lost weight…

I’m starting to get a little happier with how I’m looking, I just need to target fat loss in my lower back, lower stomach and my hamstrings, while concurrently bulking the rest of my body.

What else is there to say at 1:45 in the morning?  I was a dick today during chorus, it was hot as balls so i took my shirt off and watched the altos stare at me… they still think I’m gay though, maybe I’ll wear a sign during next rehearsal.

did get a few phone numbers though

It’s hard for me to deny that I was ever anorexic, there are no easy ways to explain dropping 80 pounds over 3 months.  But that was over 6 years ago and I’ve been healthy since.  It hasn’t been until about a year ago that I started feeling fat again, and its all I see when I look in the mirror or at a picture.  I know its normal to not be satisfied with my body, (I can only assume that mentality accounts for 99% of this site’s users), but my body absolutely DISGUSTS me.  Any where I grab on myself is a clump of loose skin and fat; it makes me sick just thinking about it.

I’ve been trying to gain weight to put on muscle for years, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to actually eat normal meals.  I was OK with this for a while, but I can’t even keep my protein shakes in my stomach for more than an hour anymore.  It kills me that I work so hard and see absolutely NO results.  I would do anything for some Chinese buffet or some Taco Bell, but I know I’m more likely to starve myself than to go near either of those.  When I do eat, I eat healthy but it does nothing for me.  I know I need to eat more because I never have energy of my own anymore, I depend on 2 caffeine tablets every morning, without which I know I’d never make it out of bed.

It annoys me so much that I can’t just be satisfied with my body, or figure out a way to make a real change; it has affected me to the point of losing friends, hell I haven’t even been on a date since June of ‘06.  People tell me my body is fine and that I should be proud of it, but I know they’re just trying to be nice.  I’ve been considering some negative things lately that I’d rather not dive into on a written record but I’m just upset.  I used to use my dissatisfaction as motivation, but now I’m left lethargic and damn near ready to give up.

I’ve had weight problems for as long as I can remember, being overweight until my freshman year of highschool when I peaked at 216 pounds, (and just over 5′ 7") with little notable muscle.  I went on what I like to refer to as an "extreme diet" which is really just my euphemism for anorexia, which I dealt with from the end of my freshman year into my Junior year when I was 16.  At my worst point, (and coincidentally, my proudest), I was 5′11 and 124 pounds, with less than 4% body fat.  Although I’m not proud of how I got to that weight, I am glad that I was able to drop the fat, although ever since, no matter how hard I train I always see a fat reflection in the mirror.  I’ve been gaining weight back steadily for the past 4 years, typically hovering around 165 pounds and about 10-16% body fat, depending on the time of year.

I am extremely self-conscious about my appearance, to a degree which my social life is over; I barely even talk to people at the gym.  I’ve dated in the past, but haven’t gone out once in a year and a half now, with no signals of change in the near future.  I don’t work on my body to attract others though; it’s all for me.  I yearn to have a body I can be proud of, and hope for a confidence level that suits me well.

I train hard, and always keep form before trying to raise weights, and I’m willing to take any supplement that is suggested for my benefit.  Hell, I’d take steroids if they were legal.  I generally train 5-6 days a week, with the typical chest/tri, back/bi, leg, shoulder/ab breakdown, ending every workout with 20 minutes of high-intensity cardio.  I never played sports in school; quite the opposite, I was a band geek and not ashamed to say it.

I’ve found that only two things that I have access to can make me happy, besides the gym, only my piano will center me.  Working out and feeling that sense of accomplishment is an unparalleled high I get almost every day and I don’t know what I’d do without it.

I joined this site in hopes that I can find some people who are able to give me the advice I need to really make an impact on my life.  I’ve been dicking around the forums, and this seems like a genuine place filled with members with good intentions.  I’m open to any advice or criticism, in fact; I crave it.

-Pete