I Might Still Be Anorexic?
It’s been a while since people could tell I had a disorder just by looking at me… at one point I had dropped to 124lbs (a weight loss of 89lbs). I had balanced myself out for a while at about 165 and was basically ok with how I looked, but since I’ve been trying to get bigger, I’ve been eating more and gaining weight, and all i see is FAT. It disgusts me. The part of me obsessed with bodybuilding wants to gain more weight (about 187 now, trying to hit 200), but the rest of me wants to throw down the fork and hit the treadmill.
Everyone stares at me at the gym, and all I can think is that my folds of fat are hanging over my shorts… I want to start wearing a sweatshirt for workouts, but I get too overheated. Personal trainers have confronted me a few times in the past 2 months because most the time i spend between sets is grabbing onto the fat on my stomach. I’m using a fat burner (MAN Scorch) but its not doing enough.
I’m really hoping I can pull myself together and build a body that I’m satisfied with soon. I go back to school in a month, and I haven’t wanted to go out once this summer since I’m so ashamed of myself. I haven’t dated once in 2 years, (I’ve already blogged about that), but at this point I don’t have the confidence to approach anyone, so I’m basically left with hoping someone will just come up to me and make things easy.
I’d like to think that I’m on a clean bulk since I haven’t cut my calories but to be honest, the thought of eating anything I see as ‘unhealthy’ is enough to make me sick. I don’t want to deal with a therapist and don’t want to put my family through that, but I don’t want to be fat anymore.
July 30, 2008 at 10:22 pm
During bulking, you NEED the calorie surplus to build muscle! So, yes, that also means adding on fat and not just muscle, but in no way does that make YOU fat. You can certainly go on a clean bulk and not eat anything you see as unhealthy, too. You just eat more of the healthy stuff.
From my understanding of eating disorders, you are never really "cured." You deal better, you develop better coping skills, but there might always be a little battle going on in your head. I know you don’t want to a therapist, but if these thoughts continue to persist or get worse, I think getting some support would be a good idea. After all, bodybuilding is about health in all aspects–strong body, strong mind, strong spirit.
July 30, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Maybe your timing was bad. Bulking should be done during winter when you don’t want to go to the beach. Looking at your pics you haven’t picked up much weight at all. As Wendy said, when bulking you WILL pick up weight. Think of it this way. With everyone pound of muscle you put on you increase your Basal Metabolic rate (the amount of calories you burn doing just nothing). Guys with more muscle mass lose the fat again during the ripping season a lot easier. Bulking is along term investment and you can really only see the fruits of your efforts after the rip session again.
I sort of know how you feel though. But i think i just have issue all round. When I am cutting I just want to stop and bulk again because i think i look way to skinny. When i am bulking I want to stop because i think i look to fat.
If i can give any advice it would be stick to it bud. I know it is tough but stick to it. And if it the end of the day it is more pain then fun then stop. No point in doing something you hate.