PetethePianist’s BodyBlog

It’s been a while since people could tell I had a disorder just by looking at me… at one point I had dropped to 124lbs (a weight loss of 89lbs).  I had balanced myself out for a while at about 165 and was basically ok with how I looked, but since I’ve been trying to get bigger, I’ve been eating more and gaining weight, and all i see is FAT.  It disgusts me.  The part of me obsessed with bodybuilding wants to gain more weight (about 187 now, trying to hit 200), but the rest of me wants to throw down the fork and hit the treadmill.

Everyone stares at me at the gym, and all I can think is that my folds of fat are hanging over my shorts… I want to start wearing a sweatshirt for workouts, but I get too overheated.  Personal trainers have confronted me a few times in the past 2 months because most the time i spend between sets is grabbing onto the fat on my stomach.  I’m using a fat burner (MAN Scorch) but its not doing enough.

I’m really hoping I can pull myself together and build a body that I’m satisfied with soon.  I go back to school in a month, and I haven’t wanted to go out once this summer since I’m so ashamed of myself.  I haven’t dated once in 2 years, (I’ve already blogged about that), but at this point I don’t have the confidence to approach anyone, so I’m basically left with hoping someone will just come up to me and make things easy.

I’d like to think that I’m on a clean bulk since I haven’t cut my calories but to be honest, the thought of eating anything I see as ‘unhealthy’ is enough to make me sick.  I don’t want to deal with a therapist and don’t want to put my family through that, but I don’t want to be fat anymore.