I’ll always be fat
Once again, I have to stress I would never write about this with the thought that anyone I knew could read it, but as far as I’m aware my account is still "secret."
It’s hard for me to deny that I was ever anorexic, there are no easy ways to explain dropping 80 pounds over 3 months. But that was over 6 years ago and I’ve been healthy since. It hasn’t been until about a year ago that I started feeling fat again, and its all I see when I look in the mirror or at a picture. I know its normal to not be satisfied with my body, (I can only assume that mentality accounts for 99% of this site’s users), but my body absolutely DISGUSTS me. Any where I grab on myself is a clump of loose skin and fat; it makes me sick just thinking about it.
I’ve been trying to gain weight to put on muscle for years, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to actually eat normal meals. I was OK with this for a while, but I can’t even keep my protein shakes in my stomach for more than an hour anymore. It kills me that I work so hard and see absolutely NO results. I would do anything for some Chinese buffet or some Taco Bell, but I know I’m more likely to starve myself than to go near either of those. When I do eat, I eat healthy but it does nothing for me. I know I need to eat more because I never have energy of my own anymore, I depend on 2 caffeine tablets every morning, without which I know I’d never make it out of bed.
It annoys me so much that I can’t just be satisfied with my body, or figure out a way to make a real change; it has affected me to the point of losing friends, hell I haven’t even been on a date since June of ‘06. People tell me my body is fine and that I should be proud of it, but I know they’re just trying to be nice. I’ve been considering some negative things lately that I’d rather not dive into on a written record but I’m just upset. I used to use my dissatisfaction as motivation, but now I’m left lethargic and damn near ready to give up.
January 30, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Ok so i just caught this post on the front page..and I wanted to cry. I know how you feel though.. Your mind is sick. I still to this day almost get anxiety ordering at a resturant. Last year I gained a ton of weight when i stopped starving my body or throwing up the lettuce/salsa that i had eaten as a "meal" My life revolved around counting calories and stepping on the scale numerous times a day to reassure me i was "Thin" enough. I remember getting out of bed and almost blacking out because i hardly ate/or drank water but yet worked out like crazy. I still look in the mirror and sometimes my mind tries to focus on my flaws, an i just hve to remember that i’m not htat person anymore..and i’m building myself a better body the right way..through food and exercise.
I really hope that you are able to see what a special person you are! I used to have no energy when i was going through my last stint of anorexia/bulimia, but once i started to feed myself the right way..my energy came back!!
I believe in you and you can beat it too!!
you should check out dedicated4lif ’s profile. He talkes of the same things as you.
January 30, 2008 at 7:38 pm
oops..correction.. his screen name on here is.. Dedicatedforlif
January 30, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Man, I wish I could think of something to say that would really help - but you’ve heard it all before from others (who, by the way are right in my opinion - there’s nothing wrong with how you look now). It’s tough when people tell you one thing but your own self-image tells you another. I always felt fat when younger myself - but now when I look back at old pictures I can’t believe how thin I used to be.
All I can suggest is to keep focused on the postive changes that occur when you eat right and workout. You’ll feel better - of course - and you may even come to better grips with your self-image.
Hang in there and good luck! I wish you all the best as you work through this struggle.