PetethePianist’s BodyBlog

Once again, I have to stress I would never write about this with the thought that anyone I knew could read it, but as far as I’m aware my account is still "secret."

It’s hard for me to deny that I was ever anorexic, there are no easy ways to explain dropping 80 pounds over 3 months.  But that was over 6 years ago and I’ve been healthy since.  It hasn’t been until about a year ago that I started feeling fat again, and its all I see when I look in the mirror or at a picture.  I know its normal to not be satisfied with my body, (I can only assume that mentality accounts for 99% of this site’s users), but my body absolutely DISGUSTS me.  Any where I grab on myself is a clump of loose skin and fat; it makes me sick just thinking about it.

I’ve been trying to gain weight to put on muscle for years, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to actually eat normal meals.  I was OK with this for a while, but I can’t even keep my protein shakes in my stomach for more than an hour anymore.  It kills me that I work so hard and see absolutely NO results.  I would do anything for some Chinese buffet or some Taco Bell, but I know I’m more likely to starve myself than to go near either of those.  When I do eat, I eat healthy but it does nothing for me.  I know I need to eat more because I never have energy of my own anymore, I depend on 2 caffeine tablets every morning, without which I know I’d never make it out of bed.

It annoys me so much that I can’t just be satisfied with my body, or figure out a way to make a real change; it has affected me to the point of losing friends, hell I haven’t even been on a date since June of ‘06.  People tell me my body is fine and that I should be proud of it, but I know they’re just trying to be nice.  I’ve been considering some negative things lately that I’d rather not dive into on a written record but I’m just upset.  I used to use my dissatisfaction as motivation, but now I’m left lethargic and damn near ready to give up.

I’ve decided to join this site without telling anyone I know in hopes that no one I know will stumble on this, keeping me from being fully honest.

I’ve had weight problems for as long as I can remember, being overweight until my freshman year of highschool when I peaked at 216 pounds, (and just over 5′ 7") with little notable muscle.  I went on what I like to refer to as an "extreme diet" which is really just my euphemism for anorexia, which I dealt with from the end of my freshman year into my Junior year when I was 16.  At my worst point, (and coincidentally, my proudest), I was 5′11 and 124 pounds, with less than 4% body fat.  Although I’m not proud of how I got to that weight, I am glad that I was able to drop the fat, although ever since, no matter how hard I train I always see a fat reflection in the mirror.  I’ve been gaining weight back steadily for the past 4 years, typically hovering around 165 pounds and about 10-16% body fat, depending on the time of year.

I am extremely self-conscious about my appearance, to a degree which my social life is over; I barely even talk to people at the gym.  I’ve dated in the past, but haven’t gone out once in a year and a half now, with no signals of change in the near future.  I don’t work on my body to attract others though; it’s all for me.  I yearn to have a body I can be proud of, and hope for a confidence level that suits me well.

I train hard, and always keep form before trying to raise weights, and I’m willing to take any supplement that is suggested for my benefit.  Hell, I’d take steroids if they were legal.  I generally train 5-6 days a week, with the typical chest/tri, back/bi, leg, shoulder/ab breakdown, ending every workout with 20 minutes of high-intensity cardio.  I never played sports in school; quite the opposite, I was a band geek and not ashamed to say it.

I’ve found that only two things that I have access to can make me happy, besides the gym, only my piano will center me.  Working out and feeling that sense of accomplishment is an unparalleled high I get almost every day and I don’t know what I’d do without it.

I joined this site in hopes that I can find some people who are able to give me the advice I need to really make an impact on my life.  I’ve been dicking around the forums, and this seems like a genuine place filled with members with good intentions.  I’m open to any advice or criticism, in fact; I crave it.

-Pete

Welcome to the Bodybuilding.com BodyBlogs. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!