It’s been a while
For someone accustomed to writing every day (in one form or another), it shocks me to realize that I haven’t posted a thing to either one of my two blogs for nearly three weeks. This must mean that I am either: a) extraordinarily busy; or b) depressed beyond all human reckoning. If honesty counts for anything, I must confess that the second option is the primary culprit.
Yes, of course I’ve been busy. Moving across country; getting re-settled; attending to all the little connections that make up one’s life (and trust me, there are MANY), these have kept my mind occupied, but depression has played a major part in my silence. Today marks the sixth (!) month that I’ve been unemployed. I know the economy is doing badly; I know that more than 15 million people have lost their jobs; I know things are tough. But those are all intellectual observations. They have little connection to the emotional side of being unemployed. MEN HAVE TO WORK! Our entire self-worth is wrapped up in how we earn our crust. Even the lowliest of occupations has worth and meaning to the person performing the duties and responsibilities associated with that job. For better or worse, it defines us as human beings. We are a species that was meant to strive, to achieve, to build and sustain something larger than ourselves. Being removed from that isolates us. It marks us in ways that we can barely acknowledge, much less articulate. It is the reason why so many unemployed men take to drink or drugs. We are attempting to blot out the pain of facing our failure.
The fact that I’m writing this is - believe it or not - a good sign. When I am depressed, I don’t write at all. When I’m happy, I write about depressing things - probably as a way of expelling the residue of those painful and debilitating emotions. Taking that into account, one would infer that I am happy, and I am gratified to report that I am. I cannot say for certainity why this is so. I only know that I am. I have confidence that I will find work. I am energized and ready to throw myself back into the fray. I’m lifting weights regularly; I’m riding my bike; I’m trying to become a better swimmer. My discipline - lax for lo these many weeks - is back with a vengenace. I can’t point to any one occurrence that has caused this turnabout, nor do I think I want to. I only know that I have weathered a dark and stormy time in my soul. I’ve survived and am ready to continue my journey.
Wish me luck.
