OboePlayaz1988’s BodyBlog

Lately I’ve just been doing cardiol.  Haven’t really felt up to doing actually weight lifting and excersises because of stress and work and all of the other things that I am dealing with right now.

My cardio is going decently well I suppose.  I’ve been burning off at least 700-1000 calories a day.  I feel like I’m making progress.  Hopefully I can keep it up. . .just taking one day at a time.

You go through the fire.  You are confronted with adversity.  You feel the burn as it consumes you. . .your entire person.  It tears you down, but will someone lift you up?  For most, the answer is yes, but for me the answer is no. 

You fight the fire with the burn in your arms and legs as you extinguish with all of your might; again and again and again until you cannot do it anymore. 

Some have extinguised the fire at this point, but I have been burned to a crisp; my ashes floating in the air. . .drifting around as I wander lost to myself. . .lost to the world.

The only consolation is seeing how my bicep takes shape, as my triceps become visible, as my quads begin to take form.  But what will it amount to?  Will it solve my problems to see something in the mirror that I’ve wanted to see?

Who knows, who knows. . .

Do you?

usual lifting + 157 calories burned 15 minutes of cardio

The full hour on the treadmill where I burned 713 cals goes out to the bitches who tried to embarrass me at work today.  I hate stupid rude customers that think that just because we work at a shit job that they can be rude and *******s to us because they think they’re "better"  **** you all.  You don’t be rude to people who are trying to serve you.  Unless the employees are being douche bags, at least be nice and realize that we are working long hours and it is NOT fun.  We’d rather be doing other things.  Thank you for the motivation to keep myself on good cardio today bitches.

Each set where I went to failure goes out Brad who treats me like shit even though I tried really hard to be a good friend to him.  I finally own up to the mistakes that I made and he still has no sympathy and walks and spits all over the apologies that I gave him.  To be honest I really don’t feel bad anymore because he is being so horrible.  Brad, thank you SO MUCH for ruining my life.  I know I’m supposed to be a Christian but I am really debating on whether or not I hate you.  You need to grow up.  You’re almost 19 years old.  When someone tries to make peace, be mature.

Each rep goes out to the ****ed up life that I lead.  I am stupid and lazy and weird and strange.  I have one real friend (bless her much).  Why she is still my friend regardless of the ****ing mistakes I’ve made in my life, I will never know.  I will not complain.  Everything that we go through is special to me.  Every time we hang out and act like the bitch and the *******, everytime we have a fight and an argument, all the txt messages, all the phone calls, all the laughs and jokes.  You are all I need in a friend.  **** the world if I never make another real friend.  I don’t care anymore.  I don’t need people (people have made it very clear that they don’t need me).  **** people who don’t want to accept me (although I don’t blame them.  I wouldn’t want to hang out with myself).  Anyone who has a penis can kiss my fat black ass and go to Hell.  It’s hard for me to be mean or feel ill towards females although they can piss me off too, but not as badly as things that carry sperm and sweaty ball sacks.

Each pushup goes to the music life that I could have had if I wasn’t such a pussy and actually tried to take more auditions and compete and practice more.  For everytime I had a fight with my dad, an argument with my mom.  For all the people that surround me with perfect model bodies.  For every job I applied to that I didn’t get hired.  To my job at Starbucks that I got fired from.  To all the fake people that pretend to care about me although they really don’t give a shit.  For every time I have to look in the gay ass mirror only to see this disgusting ass failure who no one will ever look at with desire, like a real person, listen to what I have to say, looking at my nasty ass body that is so far from perfect in every way.  I hate my face.  I hate my stomach.  I hate my chest.  I hate my legs (I will never ever wear shorts in public, haven’t for years).  Hate my hair.  I HATE MY ****ING DICK.  I was born wrong.  Something is not right.  Normal people don’t have these thoughts going through their heads.

Every pump of bicep curl goes to the years of therapy and poorly taking medication that do not seem to work.  The only reason I really keep seeing my therapist is because I love her and really trust her and feel comfortable telling her any and everything.  The therapist I have had the best experience with.  Four years later though, I’m still a dumb****.

Every time I select a weight setting or change the weights goes out to every prayer I’ve said to God that He has not answered.  Why would You abandon me like this when unlike my other peers my age, I actually attend Mass every Sunday, go to receive the Sacrament of Penance once a month, receive Holy Eucharist with total trust in You, for the things that I abstained from such as drinking and pot (well that all changed now thank you very much.  I think shots are therapeutic for me).  I practically gave up my life for You. . .at least to a point, yet other people who don’t even acknowledge your presence seem to be way better off than I am.  Thank you to the saints who refuse to hear my prayers, to Mary who broke her promise to me.  And the sad thing is that I continue to believe and attempt to obey your commands, but it’s getting pushed. . .believe that.  I feel very let down, and I’m very disappointed.

I hate life, males, high school, work, college, social situations, lonliness on the contrary (although lately, it’s comforting.  It’s good to hide from everyone), money, the fact that I am too scared to commit suicide.  It’s time to go.  It’s over.  Everything has fallen apart.  I want to bust out and sing In the End by Linkin’ Park.  I just want rest, will it come?

Great work out today

I am feeling that burn and I am LOVIN IT!!!

 Did some good cardio. . .360 cals for 33 mins.  Listened to vibrate by petey pablo and Rasheeda the whole time which really got me pumped! 

My arms are killin me right now and I wiped out on sit ups ha.  This pain is inspirational though.

Today I just went extreme and did work outs until failure, without counting (mostly because I was jammin’ straight up)

I am seeing some good improvements and I think it’s time to break out the camera and upload some more pics

Today I had to cram my workout session because of the fact that I was running around all morning doing this and that and being involved in an intense argument between my mother and sister (a high school senior) about college choice and there was just a huge misunderstanding.  I felt good that I got to comfort my sister and let her just let loose in my arms. 

Anyways, I had a good 25 minutes to work out because I had to be at work and start at 11:15 a.m. and I started working out at 10:44 a.m.  Did cardio for 15 minutes, burned 159 cals.  Then did some things on the work out machines to work the delts, bis, tris, and pecs.  Of course I also did my bicep curls and pushups which were really hard this morning to just do one set of 10 reps. 

 I did feel good after getting that energy flowing through me.  However, I was quite emotional as I was listening to No Air –Jordin Sparks and how dramatic it is and I was just wondering, what gives me breath and life? 

I’m pretty sore right now and I love it.  I think I might go do some perfect pushups in a few minutes. . .but first I need to have a smoke because it is time to contemplate some things.  It is that time in my life. . .

I am afraid.  I am alone.  I am a man now (or am I?).  I do not know where my life is taking me or where I will end up.  I have come to a fork in the road which leads to two entirely different places.  What will become of me if I do not pursue the dream I’ve had for the past five years of becoming a world-class professional oboist who plays in a top symphony orchestra?  Leaving the conservatory, going from one of the most prestigious and respected institutions for my craft in the world to a school with nothing special about it, just another college in pennsylvania, just another typical college experience.  Studying French education to have a "safe" career.  I do not like having to choose between two intense passions of mine.  I want to devote the maximum energy to be great at whatever I choose to do with my life, be it music or French.  For years I’ve been practicing and performing and concert after concert and competition after competition and auditions, every musician’s kryptonite, all the time.  Weekly lessons, orchestra rehearsals, expensive instruments, travel expenses to get to music.  Will it be wasted if I do not pursue a professional performing career from a conservatory?  French class and studying the language and country with so much more intensity that typical.  How did I fall in love with this language?  One path could lead me to this ethereal life that I dreamed about for years and would be so fulfilling because my passion would manifest itself and everyone would know, but there is the huge chance that that would never happen because of the nature of trying to make it as a professional classical musician.  My other intense interest in life will lead me to a career certainly, but not as exciting.  Having to deal with "what ifs" everyday for the rest of my life.  Do I want to experience that or is it just inevitable? 

I have to ask myself is this really a question of music versus French or Peabody versus Indiana University of Pennsylvania.  What am I really looking for and what void am I really trying to fill?  I am not sure I know exactly what I want.  I am definitely having a hard time dealing with how my parents have to know that their son goes from amazing school to typical school and it is breaking my mother’s heart to see everything that I’ve worked so hard for just die away.

I feel like I’m dying prematurely and that maybe I am trying to accomplish one last thing that I can be content with in my life so that I will not die as miserably as I would if I were to drop dead right now. . .feeling like it would be the best thing that could happen to me. 

I just want to know what is happening to me and why I am going through this.  Everything is so clear yet blurry at the same time.  I can make sense of things that may have no relevance to anything, but at the same time wonder if I really understand what is going on. 

This vigilance is treacherous.  Watching life happen around me, seeing people come and go and continue living while the one life I am alotted falls to ruins right before my very eyes.  The destruction does not cease.  The fortress falls to ruins.  Where is my protection?  What is going to happen to me. . .

I am so happy w/ my workout today   I went to get on the treadmill to do my cardio only to find that it was ****ed up because my little brother is a douche (i’m sure it was him) and did something to it. 

 So what did I do?  Ran outside on the nature trail behind my house.  When I jog I feel more of burn as opposed to the treadmill because of the change of terrain and I usually jog instead of just walking and it feels better.

My iPod kept falling out of my ear (an advantage to treadmill is your iPod can stay on your ear.  I usually listen to songs like Vibrate (Petey Pablo and Rasheeda), Too Little, Too Late (JoJo), Headstrong (Trapt), Clocks (Coldplay), Promiscuous and Say It Right (Nelly Furtado), Hate That I Love You (Rihanna and Ne-Yo), Always Come Back To Your Love (Samantha Mumba), and some other stuff.  I need more rock/alternative/metal/punk to listen to.  Make some recommendations please.

Today however, I listened to classical.  I listened to Symphony No. 34 in C Major, K. 338 (W. A. Mozart) and Symphony No. 5 in c minor, op. 67 (Beethoven).  That was a good change.

Then I decided to work on legs and abdominals today.  I did those things where you sit on the maching and just push your legs up together in like a kicking motion.  2 sets 10 reps each (hard) don’t know the weights.  Then I did sit ups, 2 sets of 20 reps, 6 inches for 20 seconds (so painful) then I did those sit ups where you cross your body and touch the elbow to the opposite leg 1 set of 10 reps.

Of course I did perfect pushups and bicep curls.

I felt better at work even though I thought I was gonna be sore and have to bear a 7 hour shift of pain, but the pain will probably come over night like last time and I’ll be better tomorrow.

C ya

Recently I have this new found interest in rock and metal and punk (although I liked punk since middle school) and I wanna be in a band on bass guitar.

 Listening to Headstrong by Trapt got me to really appreciate rock and metal and I want to be part of it because that is intense music and I’m becoming an intense person.

I could tie it in to bodybuilding by wanting to have good tight arms in a tank top and good abs if I have to play shirtless.

I can’t wait to get piercings and tattoos.  I like the new direction that I want to take in my life.

Cardio–treadmill for 35 minutes, 393 cals

Used the Weider machine that we have and did the excercise where you have your arms at 90* at the elbows and bring your forearms together.  2 sets of 10 reps each, had setting at 2 blocks

Excercise where you have the arms at 90* angles-ish and they are parallel to the ground and you push the handles away from you.  2 sets of 10 reps each, 2 blocks

Shoulder press, 2 sets of 10 reps each, 3 blocks

Barbell curls, 1 set of 10 reps, 15 lbs.  1 set of 10 reps, 10 lbs.

Push-ups (w/ perfect push-ups) 1 set of 10 reps

I was really happy to actually work out again today with weights.  It turns out I cannot handle as high a weight as I thought I could manage.  Starting slow is important.  However, what I want to do with my body (tighten it) does not require as much intensity as if I wanted to lose a lot of weight or gain a lot of muscle.

Thursday I’ll do lower body workout and try to do cardio daily (except for maybe one day a week). 

I feel a lot better now that I got the blood flowing and the endorphins flowing.  Hopefully it will make my day a little better and more positive, although I’m not positive so that may not happen.

Well, my diet was going really well for about a week.  I didn’t have more than 1000 calories a single day and did burn off at least 800 everyday (1,200 one time too).  I lost two pounds and went down to 106.4 lbs, but my hunger really caught up to me and I binged for a few days, and my weight went up to 110 lbs!!!!  All of my hard work was ruined.

So, all I’ve been eating lately is fast food and stuff and just feeling horrible and I want to die!  I hate my legs, but any motivation to stop myself from eating just doesn’t work.  Smoking doesn’t really suppress my hunger anymore (never did, now that I think of it), but it sucks that I’m addicted now.

I meant to try and restart my diet today, but I had some cookies and knew I ruined it, so I just kept going. . .see i’m like that.  If I eat one thing, then I feel like I’m done and that I might as well just keep eating. . .and I do.

I need to exercise and stuff, but I just don’t feel like I can or that it would amount to anything because of my calorie intake.

Gosh, we’ll see what happens next.

~chris~