Going through the motions
I ran because I was afraid to keep walking and get stuck in fat girl exercise. I began heavy cardio because I could smell the fat building up on my body again. I started lifting weights as a way to transform the fat. I am willing to do just about anything to prevent gaining weight of any kind.
Did I stop to breathe to laugh to play no no no. I tell my husband all the time through the pain, through the bruises, through the suffering, “I’m a soldier…baby I got this”. I am running and as I have often heard I am running for my life. I have a desire that is tainted with delusion. I am just going through the motions. I think if you say it and say it enough it will be. I am a strong believer in the power of the mind. You can get through anything if you just get your head around it.
But, I have to step back and I have to live. I have to love me. I am always going to be a little silly and be the first to laugh at me but, at the end of the day who am I. Have I thought so little of myself that I can only laugh at me and not embrace me and not accept me. I have not allowed the passion for life to run through me. I have been just going and going. I am putting the breaks on.
I read an article about being unabashedly honest. I will first try it with myself and see how I do. I want to be true to that quote I say so often I want to be a soldier and I I know I got this but, time to enjoy it. No more motions for me. I am off the train. I think I will walk and take the road less traveled. I will enjoy and I will soak up some life. Don’t stand to close because it might be contagious.
For me it is just let go and let God. No more rehearsed phrases and prerecorded gestures. I have to do what is good for me and in turn things will feel more alive and more worth attaining.
