MyQnA’s BodyBlog

I guess it happens I am not used to it but when you push as hard as I have for as long as I have it is inevitable.  I can usually find soemthign somewhere but, there is nothing.  I am tired beyond belief and it is not physical so, tomorrow I will go tot he gym i will go through and do what I need to in order to get the workout complete.  But, I am empty.  I wonder how you refuel where you go to get back in the game.  I suppose seriously it has only been two months but it feels like an eternity and I want to rest.  So, is it true i will rest when I’m dead??? i don’t know but I just need to document the highs and the lows and today is a low.  Just feeling a bit empty.

When you think fitness and exercise you think less food.  if you don’t then you are one of the few who have not had the misery of yo-yo diets and failed weight loss attempts.  So now I need to convince myself that more of the proper foods and better quality foods and more meals is the right way to eat in order to benefit completely from weight training.  I am there but not completely.  I want to keep going so I will find better ways of adding those calories.  Although I think at first I am going to have to add meal replacement bars and other nasty protein shakes to supplement.  I like the idea though of challenging myself to better cooking and better ways of eating when in this case more is more.  More whole foods, more meals, more proper eating = more muscles!!!! I am all for that.

Yesterday, I made a breakthrough in my mental health.  I know I sound crazy with that statement but, I am always nervous around large groups of people.  I eventually settle down and it is what it is.  So this is a good thing though.  I guess I just thought I would burst into flames if someone spoke to me or touched me or was even near me.  Again i am not crazy just naturally shy around people who are not family.    I guess it is all too clear why I isolate myself at the gym and why I try never to linger but just keep it moving.

Last night I the desire to train was stronger than the need to hide at home.  I went to the gym during the busy hours.  I worked out along side the menfolk and one even touched me in an attempt to help me.  He explained how I could better do my concentration curls.  No I did not faint, die, cry, or run off in flames.  I was ok and for me who spent sooooo much of my life at home in the house on the brink of insanity because I did not want to be in public this is a huge breakthrough.  I was able to say I want health and life more than I want anything else.  I am able today to see how important good health and exercise is to the body and to the mind.  I am so psyched to go again today because I know I have to go during the busy time.  I can do it…I really can.  I know for the social butterflies this is nothing.  But, to me this is like the first step in climbing Mount Everest.

I wonder if you say how much something means to you does it then mean more or less depending on how you compare it.  I think not.  I am willing to wager that I am not doing my best to get the results I want.  So what’s it to me well it is worth all the processed food we have here at home, it is worth all the sugar I add to my green tea, it is worth all the mentos in the kitchen drawer, it is worth all the vodka sours, vodka cranberries, wine, and or gin and grapefruit I drink.  To me it needs to be tangible.  I need to live it but not just at the gym or during the "exercise hour".  It is worth all the fake friends, all the false support I will sacrifice all of it because ti will not get me to my ultimate goal of looking and feeling strong and beautiful.  I decided I would start journaling because everyone needs to be accountable and I would rather get my card pulled by those who have been there done that then by the buy at the juice bar who is just curious about what I’m doing here doing this.  It is yes a personal choice to want to look like SheHulk but, at some point I have to be able to feel like her too and I want the support of other "SheHulk" type women.

I ran because I was afraid to keep walking and get stuck in fat girl exercise.  I began heavy cardio because I could smell the fat building up on my body again.  I started lifting weights as a way to transform the fat.  I am willing to do just about anything to prevent gaining weight of any kind.

For me it is just let go and let God.  No more rehearsed phrases and prerecorded gestures.  I have to do what is good for me and in turn things will feel more alive and more worth attaining.

I feel good about the changes I have made to my workout plan.  I knwo I need to focus on my diet but, for me that is really hard.  I have a fe hang ups and I am going to give myself to the end of the month to do better.  If I see reasonable progress than I will stay as is, which is basically 6 small meals a day primary focus on protein but then whatever I feel like.  If I don’t like what I see I need to get harder on myself and write out a diet plan.  I love schedules and things and for me anything in writing is nearly in stone.  So I hope I dont have to go there because should still be fun for me.  Tomorrow is legs let’s see what the new program brings.

I have been going through hundreds of exercises and finally came up with a good back and bicep plan to try for tomorrow.  I am pretty sure I will like the challenge and it will help me step my game up.  So back to the grind it is late and I need to go to bed so I can get to the gym early.  I still ahve to create workouts for my chest and triceps as well my shoulders.  But tomorrow is another day!

I got the nerve to do my push ups at the gym today.  Normally I wait until I get home because I suck at push ups.  Well to my surprise there was someone "watching" and he was more than willing to help me out.  So, I got through the sets with quite a bit of difficulty but then that is ok.  I know I need to increase my upper body strength and turn this pear shape into something more hour glassish.  Which that is not even a word but you follow.  I like that my body has not given out on me that I have not bottomed out in a few weeks.  I feel good overall and I guess I just need to keep plugging away.  I will find the key to good solid push ups.