MyQnA’s BodyBlog

So i keep changing my profile keep changing my photo keep changing private and public.  But, you know I live with those I love.  I know who i am and if other people don’t like me for who i am or can’t accept what i do which i swear is nothing exciting.  then that is between them and God.  I can’t please everyone nor would I ever try to.  I need the support of the friends I have made here on OH and I hope that if one person can learn anything from the dumb **** and some of the smart **** I do then I am giving back some of what I have received.

So for this 4th of July I can only say I am free from the burden of caring anymore.  I will be as transparent as i can and if someone somewhere doesn’t like it close the damn page.  

I am struggling right now with my body image.  In ways that I had not previously.  I feel like something is not right with my body.  I mean when I was 372lbs I was still hot **** in my mind.  I had great legs huge tits and was never short on attention from whomever.  Then I had WLS and through the process I still never really let what I looked like stop my flow.  I know I am not a supermodel and hell I ain’t hardly trying to be.  But, now that I look at the final results or what I am seeing as final results it breaks my heart. 

what did I do to the body God gave me.  Did I do this out of vanity and am I now being punished???  Did I over do it in the beginning of the recovery stage and now I ****ed something up?  Did I just have a run of bad luck and this is the way it is going to be a disfigured horrid creature?  I don’t know and I am not sure I just have a lot of angst over what the future holds and I want all the answers today not tomorrow and I want to know now that I am going to be ok and blah blah blah…I just want it on the record that I did workout today and will hit the gym again tomorrow.  i am still not drinking and I am still keeping my faith in God he will get me through this and it will all be ok.  even if I rant and vent to get it out and off my chest I know he will deliver me to exactly where I should be.

I have no real clue what I expected from today.  I met again with my trainer and I am like are you serious are you really serious.  I will document all the details when I have my next meeting.  But the one that has my jaw to the floor is the percentage of bodyfat.  I am like I have been doing this and I have had some issues with my breasts and I have felt a little different but i don’t pay things attention the way I should.  So when I saw her on the 8th my bodyfat was 34.2%  When i saw her today sit down I was at 26%.  I am still like what the hell can you say I think I am doing amazing and did I mention my weight stayed exactly the same.  So it is working I am turning this fat into muscle.  I am kicking fats ass and from this point of view I am winning.  or I think I am.  So before I let my little self get sucked into some negative spin on this I will celebrate the success and just take it for what it is. 

I am a little exhausted today can’t get my mind focused and I am just a little flat but hell I killed my workout I got my vitamins in and I had nearly all my water.  My goal is 3 liters and I did about 2 and a half.

Now I have a workout partner the tennis partner is now also working out with me.  It is fun to have someone to workout with and encourage each other.  Our goals are not really the same but a lot of what we are doing is so this should help me along.

Chest flies 4×8 6kg
Bench  Press 4×8 20kg
Chest Press Machine 4×8 15kg
Tricep Pulldown 4×8 7.5kg
French Press 4×8 4kg
Tricep Kickbacks 4×8 4kg
Push ups 3×15 and 1×8

NO ABS today

No cardio either given I rode my bike to and from the gym that was cardio enough for me.

Odd I am near the end of this test of wills between my mind and my body and the results are surprising.  i am down one day with no alcohol and I did good.  I did not crave it like I feared and I did not even think about it.  I mean i knew I was not a closet drunk and that is was all about excess but, somewhere in my brain I feared it was also about something else and that my body would want it.  Now for the workout.

Standing bicep curl 4×8 8kg
Bent over barbell row 4×8 10kg
Lat pulldowns 4×8 20kg
Seated cable row 4×8 25kg
Close Grip bicep curl 4×8 10kg
Seated bicep curl 4×8 6kg
Tuck Crunches 4×20

30 min elliptical and 5 min warm up 10 min stretch at the end

Did I say I had no real issue with the drinking.  Os I got up today no problem hit the gym as usual.  I went through and knocked out all my exercises.  I am king right.  Ummmmm wrong!!!  I could barely make it through my cardio I was soooo thirsty and had no concentration at all.  I am like Max what the hell is wrong with you???  Why are you in this what do you come to this place every damn day for not for ha ha ha’s cause you ain’t got no friends here.  It is me and the weights me and the machine me and God.  I can not fail.  It must go and the drinking must stop.  I want this too bad to let liquid happiness get in my way

So i decided to count and Lord do I need an intervention….ok ok ok not really and please take no offense if you have a real drinking problem.  Today was my graduation wee haw no school until September lucky me!

But here is a glimpse at what I’m consuming on an average Friday or Saturday night

3 glasses of cherry beer
1 glass of white beer
1 bottle of Cava
3 glasses of Brut
1 glass of Gancia

This is completely accurate for what I have consumed today.  WTH!!! am I thinking

So some people need a clear explanation of what an off day is.  I am in line for that explanation.  I rode my bike all day.  I did about 20 km.  It did not feel like it because I had errands to do but I made sure to take hills to go over bridges to take the long way and push hard.  I didn’t want to feel like I had wasted a day like I had sat around when I could have been doing something.  So it felt good and I was a very happy camper.  I have also come tot he conclusion that my barrier is liquor.  I have always been a heavy drinker but with no real issue to me.  Until now when I comb over my eating and my diet and look for ways to clean it up and the only foul thing to be found is alcohol and lots of it.  I am on it I will see what can be done.

I am still concerned about the amount of weight I am lifting and I think i have to try a little harder.  I am afraid of failing but equally as afraid of pushing to far too fast.  i don’t know exactly how to combat these things but I will work on it and I will succeed.

Today was shoulders this is normally my least effective workout because I am not always on it like I should be.  i am so afraid of a shoulder injury.  LOLOL you would think I would be afraid to hurt my back.

Dumbbell shoulder press 4×8  4kg
Machine shoulder press 4×8 10kg
Side lateral raises 4×8 3kg
Dumbbell upright row 4×8 8kg
Calf raises 8×20
Tuck Crunches 4×20

30 min elliptical and 5 min warm up 10 min stretch at the end

Food was solid today….I had my protein around 90g and that is mostly food only one shake ant was 25g so I am pleased with this.  I am still worried and nearly ashamed of what my problem is taking this to the next level.

So I was saying something like oh I am fine and oh tennis is for me.  I could barely move this morning.  i thought I was going to die and not an easy breezy sort of death either.  But that don’t stop this show.

Chest flies 4×8 4kg
Bench  Press 4×8 15kg
Chest Press Machine 4×8 15kg
Tricep Pulldown 4×8 7.5kg
French Press 4×8 4kg
Tricep Kickbacks 4×8 4kg
Tuck Crunches 4×20

30 min elliptical and 5 min warm up