THOUGHTS OF A FITNESS FREAK

I just got back from the gym…..limited sucky arse workout, but Im trying. Im not going to bitch too much because there are people out there living with pain, deformities and much worse than I am.  I did this to myself, have some regret..fully admit that, but it is what it is.

Today I worked bi’s ,shoulders ,back, calves, forearms………..ok, kind of a total body lightweight routine.  Limited mobility and limited weights change the game plan.  Not so much as its going lean time anyway and my weight has stabilized at 124 today.  I usually do ful body more when going super lean.  Quityerbitchin……thats what I tell myself.

Im off to a shoot.  Its cold, the idea of a bikini is not the first thing on my mind.  More like a nap is on my mind!

I love naps……..

Yes, i am complaining about losing weight.  Possibly 8 lbs in the last 12 days.  Trouble holding onto hydration (normal for me) and losing too fast just leaves you empty…..thats not good.  I did 20 on the step mill last night and just a wee bit of weights, like an empty smith machine, upright rows, etc…….

Then I had a protein shake and went out to meet my sister to play wII BOWLING AT A LOCAL PLACE.  gREAT PLACE….Called Hot Rods.  A little bit of board games, friendly people and food.  I didnt drink, but on the ride home got dizzy like I was drunk.  I was pretty scared and afraid I was going to pass out…nausea……I didnt drink anything at the bar and it was only 11pm and I had no pain meds in me.  Does anyone here have any experience with hypo glycemia?  I wasnt shaky though….weird. I didnt feel so great today, just tired.  I dont feel like I am "sick" though. 

Someone left me a cooment to check out another woman blog cus she wrote some kind of rant about me.  I dont know if its bad………but let me tell you one thing..or a couple things.  I have had some terrible things happen to me in my life that I wont even discuss here……….so say all you want.  I have "met" some wonderful people here and I come here sometimes to "rant", but if anyone bothers me I just let it go.  Im not letting anyone drag me down.  I was married to that, I work with those kind of people.  life is too short……..so piss off. If you dont like me, dont look at my pics, dont read my stuff…….the internet is a big place you know.    I have let so much of my own negativity go and its working for me!!! 

Hope you guys have a great night and thanks for the letters from my female friends!  they mean the world to me!!

I have seen men here with pec tears, omen with pulled hamstrings and me with..you know.  I am 11 days post op and terribly stubborn.  My doc said just do what I feel is right as far as working out.  You have to know your body.  Yeah, I know every inch, I know how to flex most everything, I know how stuff is supposed to feel…….I trust myself.

So today, I usually pick up all the charts I have pulled for the next day at the same time, sometimes more than 100, some more than an inch thick……….couldnt do it.I was mad at that.  I try to pull laudry out of my front loader…..ow.  Im better, certainly better, but impatient.  My push/pull is gone right now.  All my pushing exercises and all my pulling………

I went to the gym…….I figure in 3 years I have probably hiy a thousand visits.  Im a junkie and it makes me feel good.  Sitting on my butt makes me feel like a lazy and unproductive person.  I tried tri pres downs, couldnt do them…another bummer. 

Here is what I can and did do.

lateral raises on the machine at 15 and db’s at 5 lbs.  My arms are finally hitting laterally.  If the dumbbells were pink I might have not touched them though.  I did some leg/knee raises on the bench, leg extensions without using my arms at 65 lbs, seated curls at 65 lbs and calf slide at 150. 10 lb dumbbell regular and hammer curls.  I think thats it, but I could see my arms puffing up a bit.  I have been off alll creatine for a couple weeks……even superpump.  I THEN faced my nemesis.the step mill.  We had a battle for 10 minutes and I called it a night.  I felt good though.  I need to work something even if it is light.  I told my friend Eric that I could practically see my muscles turning into gas and floating off me……..it  depressing.

hopefully i sleep better tonight.  I wake up about every three hours.  Im not a wimp, but the muscle cramps get to me in my sleep. 

Anyway, everyday things are better.  I am working hard, starting my diet tomorrow and going back on the mitotropin.  Im pretty happy with howeverything looks.  i fell BALANCED.  I have a shoot on saturday already. Let the games begin!!! 

It wasnt such a bad day.  Ok, I couldnt reach the patient charts above my head, but it was good getting out of the house.  I had a doctor visit, things are perfect.  If you got muscle, expect extra pain and soreness.  Just a little note on that.

My butt is sore from doing legs yesterday.  No sore enough for me, but it’ll have to do.

My friend Doug is creating/promoting an NPC show right here in town!!  Im going to be on the poster…aint that sweet?  Its this October, so if you are local…….keep reading!!   I can tan at home!!  I dont have to drive a hundred miles staining my leather seats!!!  How awesome is that?

I was going to go to the gym, but I got home too late from the doctors and what the heck am I going to train?  Like I said…..I did legs already and am down 6 lbs as it is.  I lost some muscle……….it doesnt take long to lose it dammit. So were the boobs worth it?  Yes and no……what the Hell?  Yes, I was fine and accepted as I was in many circles, in others I was a freak…….I have essentially mutilated myself for ‘beauty’.  See what happens when I cant train?  I feel weak and useless right now.  3 years of bench pressing…got up to 190 lbs and now I cant even pick up my nephew or reach a chart at work. I have never never been that kind of helpless woman and its killing me. 

So, this week to keep in shape I am going to do my nemesis the step mill………yes cardio…….No way I am going to sit on my butt.  I think I am like 9 weeks out………..C-RAP…..this blows. I even found a GREAT  suit.  Deep purple, bling encrusted…..yee hah!!!  Im feeling  it!!!

Have a great night 

I didnt do anything heavy, didnt pick up a plate….I used machine.  oH, i DID SOME DB CURLS……I couldnt help myself.  I just needed to see some muscles…or something. I jumped on the scale after little more than a week in inactivity and find out I lost 6 lbs….I wasnt happy because its not a good loss I need Im sure. 

Can I tell ya a little funny/tragic story that just happened to me?  My chair I was sitting in just broke. My son reaches out to pay me money he owes me,,,,,,I reach over and bam…….the broken leg on the chair finally REALLY breaks.  Ow…….it hurt.  I lay there like Randy in the Christmas story with his big fat snowsuit on……No serious injury, just a stab in the serratus and upper pec.  Jeez louise……..

Back to legs…….I did some leg extensions and some seated curls as well as linear hack (someone left weight on it…thanks for once!!) I did a little calves and I did some single arm lat pulldowns. This guy comes up to me and asks if it really did affect my placings…..he knew what I had "done".  I said yes of course. But he was very nice about asking.  Not gratuitously checking out the additions. 

Just one more word on the surgery..we all have emotional pain from anything negative done or said to us.  A man tells a woman she has a fat ass and it ruins her and haunts her.  A woman tells her hubby he has love handles or a belly and he never takes off his shirt again. Please be cautious about what you say to people…….it does leave scars. Even as a joking, teasing manner.  We never forget the bad stuff do we?  Tell you what……I see beauty in everyone.  Maybe you have great calves, maybe you have flawless creamy skin, maybe you have shoulders or a smile to die for……or maybe, just maybe………you have this inner beauty and are so nice that nothing about you could ever be ugly.  Ugly comes from within as well.  Took a trip over to my modeling site and saw a man leave a comment about models being better than anyone………..now THATS an ugly man.  Damn, I have a crush on Kevin James….who is cuter than him?  Mall Cop…..you know…HIM. 

Anyway, thats all I have today…legs , a fall from a chair (my son yells "quick call life alert!!!")  and a little thought about what beautiful means.

This question was left for me as a comment yesterday.  Frankly, I have no idea.  I was with the same person for 10 years or something , then I dated online for awhile and did some long distance dating.  I believe I broke up with most of them.  Well, most of them never got past a first date…..lots of freaks out there or just no sparks.  The other ones, there were 3 of them in 3 or more years time I think.  And only one was “local”.  He dumped me for a woman almost half my age….that was rough.  When that happens it really bothers you.  Being an “older woman ” is tough.  At 2am I was watching the millionaire matchmaker show, kind of annoying, but she was talking about men and “age-ism”.  A 40 something year old man usually wants a 20 something year old woman.  Especially if he has no children because if he was dating someone his daughters age, he’d be quite the sick puppy in my mind.  I wouldnt want my 19 year old daughter even dating a 25 year old man!  I’d run him out of town, nevermind a man in his 40’s. Now a 20 something year old woman is going to eventually want some kids around 35 it seems to kick in……….so the man will essentially be 50?  Aint that sexy.a 50 year old man changing diapers?  Hm……..?

I don’t want any more  children myself, been there, done that…still trying to get them old enough to move out.  Love em though!! So on the other end of the spectrum I cannot see myself dating a much younger man.  Its nothing personal, just something sensible.  Often my jokes are about something funny from the 70’s or 80’s and if you dont get my jokes……….all is lost.  Id like to grow old with someone…..not BEFORE someone.

Oh, back to the ex’s.  I will see my ex husband this wekend when he comes to pick up our son. 

Its not even the physical changes that matter.  Its the emotional changes.  Lots of people “blow off” great people and its sad. A close friend of mine is suddenly being called by every exshe ever had lately, they all miss her, they all kind of screwed her over or cheated on her.  Guess you don’t know what you’ve got until its gone.

Hopefully, some of my ex’s read my stuff, know they lost a woman who would have taken a bullet for them because thats the kind of woman I am.  I dont like to shop, I dont wear jewelry but if I do it’s like a ten dollar necklace that LOOKS real, I like to be silly, I can meet your parents and not embarrass you, I clean up well and I think about how you will feel if I do certain things because I am considerate.  Some people appreciate this…….some do not.  I do not take solace in other peoples suffering, but damn……when an ex egts from someone else what they gave to you………its karma….and it does happen. 

So, this weekend, like every weekend, I will smile at the ex, say hello just like I always do.  he was horrible to me sometimes, but thats in the past. He has a girlfriend and I hope he is happy.  Hating people and wanting revenge is a bad feeling….it eats at you, let it go. 

I will be back later to blog if I do get to the gym tonight.  I went last night, but just to visit. I missed my peeps!!   Here is a pic of me and my BFF Jodi……..she was my first best friend in 20 years!!!  Love you girl!! Read that little book called “the little book of stress”..you will just die!!!

I couldnt help myself.  I was alone in the house.  I have been in the house for a week.  Today was my first day without medication except an Excedrin. So I put on my gym clothes and headed out.  It was kind of bare bones there but I did see a few friends.  It was like coming home to an old friend.  I curled some 5 lb dumbbells like a dingdong and did some calves on the slide and then did some back stretches.  I didnt pick up anything heavy at all. IT SUCKED.  I then rode the recumbant bike for 15 minutes while watching crappy Tv I couldnt even hear. 

Then I stopped in at my work to say hello.  Its nice to be missed!  haha, no one knows where anything is.  Oh, of course everyone wanted to see "the girls".  Its funny.  Im more proud of my biceps and stuff.  I MADE those myself…these things………man made, installed by Dr Persing….big whup.

I got nice letter from ladies complimenting me for my honesty because they want to do the same thing.  The are afraid of losing respect, losing IQ points or something……they want to know if it hurts,etc.  If I can still workout.  Frankly, it friggin kills…..did ya see the pecs I was sportin?  These do not mean that I can no longer pick up 45 lb plates by myself, that I will giggle constantly and let men slave over me…….all they really are doing is leveling the playing field for the stage.  I love figure, just didnt like getting the obvious shaft.  I didnt have the best body on the planet, but better than some I lost to as far as lat spread and glutes at least……hopefully the addition of bikini into the NPC will allow us muscle girls back into figure as was origionally intended. 

Now dont go distorting and twisting my words.we all know there is a major difference between Gina Aliotti and a Victoria secret model……both beautiful, but beautifully DIFFERENT.  In Gods eyes we are all beautiful anyway!

I have to go nap now……

Thanks for your support.  My latest picture I look like crap, dont care honestly. There is more to life than slapping on 10 lbs of make up to look purdy for the camera. Im bored, cant drive yet, feels like there is a knife in my upper spine and an elephant on my chest.  I miss the gym, I miss my friends, got lots of flowers and nice emails.  Please know I am still me, still Fernie…….never to be a headless LOOK AT MY BOOBIES PRESSED TO THE CAMERA LENS KIND OF BROAD. I am still about total body health and fitness.  I am about fun in the gym, positive thinking and tons of emotional support. Because I have become a "public person" I had to come forth with public honestly. I have come quite far in this industry just being me, but also for hard work and speaking my mind.  People will love you or hate you……..no matter what you do, what you look like or what you say. My children think I am the best, my friends think I am hilarious, the gym guys think I am a psycho lifter……….its all good!  

Ph, gotta go watch top chef!!!!!   Its my favorite show!!!

This was a difficult decision for me, you know this. My recovery is going to be slow.  I thought I would back at work by now. Im not a helpless person so laying around the house is killing me.  He had to cut alot of muscle he told me at my 1st post op. I told him tofill me up but not make me a freak and if they were 6 inches apart and looked like a frogs eyes, I’d be upset. Lots of people supported me though they said I was fine just being me. I was probably mean about some of the graTUITIOUS BOOB ONLY SHOTS YOU SEE HERE AS WELL.  iT WASNT JUST THAT, IT WAS THE FACT THAT SOME WOMEN MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THE ONE BODYPART., YOU are a person, sure boobs are sexy, but you have a face, a brain, and more to offer……..dontcha?

My healing is very very slow.  I cant even drive. I went from a woman who cantsit still,wont evem take a tylenol…oa practical invlid whol cant wash her own hair.  My meds make me dizzy and I alsmost fell over a few times and will need to lie down after this.  The longest I have slept at once is 3 hours since monday.  I did get to shower, but idiot me could not reach the bodywash up in the rack.

I hope everyone has been well. I should be back in the gym next week if just to walk on a treadmill.

Fern

I know, I know..may take alot of shit for doing this to myself.  Love yourself and what God gave you, etc etc. While this is true in itself, there are just certain things we cannot change.  I have gone through years of teasing, being called a man, having my brothers and his friends say "hows the weather?" while rubbing their chests.  People online caling me a man, losing to women in figure competitions with barely any muscles because they have a "rack", being told "secretively" that I was doing well in the round card model competition until I came out in a dress that showed I had pecs in the second round, whereas in the 1st round I had on a cropped top with a padded bra and did very well. Being told by an ex-boyfriend that I needed to "fatten up" in one area of my body. 

For young girls becoming a "woman" means getting a period and starting to develop breasts.  Fine, nothing happened to me until I was 16…well, one of them happened. Back in the 80’s no one took this seriously.  Today, they might run tests as to why this happened, but not then.  I stayed the same height, maybe grew an inch.  Buying bras was a joke as I wasnt even a A.  That means the little girl section.  Its not a joke if you know other women who suffered like I did. I was 30 and on my honeymoon cruise before I WENT WITHOUT A PADDED SUIT. I figured I would never see any of these people again…so what the hell?  I couldnt wear pretty tops like other women.  The babydoll tops with the triangle cups bagged on me.  I wanted to cry when I went shopping because I couldnt wear anything pretty.  As I sit here I swear I have tears as how cruel people have been to me because of it.

In the gym I was standing with a group of my male friends and they were checking out a woman with a big chest.   I suddenly felt invisible, TOO MUCH like one of the guys. I know there are other women like me out there, its not terribly common but is an actual medical condition. I breast fed 4 children and they are all the healthier for it and I am proud of that.  I would never pick on anyone for a deformity and what I had was an actually deformity….or "un-formity" if that is a word.

I loved my pecs and will miss them. It ws alot of hard work, let me tell you.

I wasnt going to discuss this at all, but it will be kind of obvious in photos….so I had to be honest.  My pecs were so tight and I am in tons of pain that still I can barely type.    I have to go lay down, feeling a bit dizzy again