It has been a long, long journey for me, and to end up here…who knew? I was talking to my husband and I realized that there was not one, and I mean not one person that was a healthy role model throughout my life (with the exception of my husband). My father died when I was eighteen because his liver was mush from drinking, my sister is bulimic, my mother is an opiate dependent because of back pain due to botched surgeries (and an unhealthy lifestyle), all of my aunts and uncles are alcoholics on one level or another, the list can go on and on. I was able to dodge the alcohol but I found the same habits with eating. My sister went one way and I went the other. I have never been able to express myself to anyone and all that emotion went inside instead of out (until I found my therapist). I have learned that I can not have anything that is bad for me or else I go into this unhealthy cycle (mentally as well as physically). It becomes a constant struggle in my head. There is absolutely no crap in my house or else it will be on my mind until I eat it. It’s horrible and soooo frustrating. I have gotten a lot better with this aspect though… since every so often my husband would go on these ice cream binges and I was able to ignore it and after a while I forgot it was in there. I would maybe have three bowls out of ten of the half gallons bought. He has been committed to his program so Ice-cream is pretty much out (thank God!!!!). It becomes really hard at work. Everybody brings in the stuff they don’t want and for meals it is usually Mc Donald’s, or when they cook for the residents they us crap processed foods instead of natural foods, sugar instead of splenda, canned fruit (in heavy or light syrup) instead of fresh (although they will us frozen) I try to incorporate some of the healthy habits that I have adapted in my own routine and I get the here she goes again look. It is really frustrating when people know your are on your way to accomplishing a goal and they are eating a piece of chocolate cake trying to talk you into having a piece. I DON"T ****ING WANT IT!!!!!
Over the past year and a half I have learned that I am bi-polar (type II) which has helped explain some of the negative behaviors that I have since worked on. I started on medication and that really helped, but I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life. I recently stopped the medicine to start a family and there is a huge difference in the way that I feel and think. It’s amazing… and knowing that it is the bi-polar behavior makes it easier to cope with and correct. This is why the weight loss process before was so hard for me to stick with, the instant wants make it hard to cope with the "just be patient" motto of weight loss. If I eat clean for three days and do the elliptical why is it that I haven’t lost 20lbs yet!!!!!?????? So unrealistic. I have stuck with it and so far I have lost 45lbs and counting. I eat clean 99.8% of the time and I do a Push/Pull routine with ten minutes pre and post on the elliptical. My workout routine is mon-push, wed-pull, fri-legs and the elliptical (20 min) tues, thurs, sat and sun and I walk everywhere. At school I park my car on the far side of the campus and walk to my class five days a week on top of my regular routine. Sometimes I don’t feel like this is enough, and sometimes I feel like it is a good routine. i am never really sure.
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