Fears
I confess that I have several fears for losing the weight…
The first one is how big will I be? Now I want to maintain my current lean muscle mass, if not build on it. So last time I was assessed, back in Oct07, I was 237lbs and 40.0% fat…so that makes me start out with about 140lbs of lean mass…which I want to keep and improve. We did weights & cardio right out the door. I see from reading various articles that they suggest you do solid cardio and light weights to get your fat and lean mass down before starting lifting. I’m pretty sure my BF has gone down, because even at 238lbs now, I’m still down 15 inches from when I started…I know, I need to get assessed again, and I will. I want to lose 62 more lbs of fat by my goal date, which will put me at 175 lbs, if I’m only at 145 lbs lean and don’t gain anymore, I’ll be at 18% BF…which is good. My fear was that I would be built like a trucker! I was only able to find examples of big girls losing weight and doing the aerobics things first…so they’d start at 250 and end up at 125. And that isn’t going to be me. So I searched on the BodySpace and found several women who are fit & look amazing and are 160lbs and over …to prove to myself that I can end up looking like I want to and maintain my lean mass.
The second, will I have tons of loose flabby skin? I hate the concept of surgery to alter things…not because its a bad thing, but because I hate going under! When I wake up it feels like I died. In other words, nothing, no concept of time passed, no tweaks of reality, nothing…dead. Which is why I take such awesome care of my skin! lol Even the concept of Botox scares me! So I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on…and it looks like that should be OK too…which is why I don’t want to lose more than 1% of my bodyweight a week. As I understand it, as long as I keep up the weights and keep attacking the fat, the saggy skin thing won’t happen or will go away…I’m keeping it slow just to make sure. My fears are for my arms, my legs, my back, my butt. I already have a hideous gut…apron and all, from when I was pregnant at 18. I had an emergency c-section and the skin and fat and abdomen have never been the same, it all just hangs. Ironic because abdominal strength used to be my strongest point growing up! But, I understand that I need to get below 10% bf for this to go away on its own and I’m OK with that.
The third is wrinkling on my face…I know, that sounds like a weird fear, it’s related to the loose flabby skin fear. I’m afraid that if I lose to much fat, that it’ll effect the collagen production in my body and I’ll wrinkle up. I know that this is solved by diet…which is a good thing to know, especially for someone as obsessed about their skin as I am. lol I also clench my lower jaw/neck when I exhale…an exercise to guard against a saggy chin.
Another fear I have is dating someone who isn’t active. I’m afraid that they’ll pull be back into old habits. This fear comes from high school, when I was 17, I had 36/24/35 measurements and then I started dating my high school sweetheart. He thought I was too skinny and started bullying me into eating because he was worried I was going to become anorexic. Don’t get me wrong, I ate…and I ate like a teenager! Lots of food, when I was hungry, which was often, lots of milk, etc.. I had just gotten out of a stressful relationship and dropped to 120lbs from 135, (38/27/37) ahh, the good old days when stress was all I needed to loose weight! lol Anyway, we’d go out for dinner, I’d have a burger and fries…typical teenage food…then he’d order me a large Sunday and wouldn’t let me leave until I ate it, he’d actually say, I’m not driving you home until you eat that! One day, after a few months, I said “are you trying to fatten me up?”, “Yes.” he replied. “You’re to skinny.” I went up to 140lbs before we broke up…don’t ge tme wrong, I was still hot, even went as Appleonia for halloween, with the little black corset that I still have…lol, I look at it now and think, holy crap, I used to fit into this thing? BUT, I’m absolutely terrified of meeting someone like that again…someone who’s will unintentionally and subtly sabotage me… I think I’ll just have to make sure I’m on my guard and no matter how far into the relationship I am, I’ll have to kick him to the curb if he starts into it.
One I used to have was that I would be back to the status of “arm-candy” It happened all the time, before I gained the weight. After I was pregnant and still chunky, I confess that I liked that people paid attention to what I was saying and who I was and it was no longer about how pretty I was or how jealous their friends would be when they walked into a room with me. But now I’m 40, so I’m over that fear. But it was a real concern and it was a reason I kept the chunk. Sounds silly, I know.
