Mesunny’s BodyBlog

Well, the time has come again!  After taking some slack-time (a little too slack), I’ve managed to gain a few pounds.  I know I’ve increased some muscle mass, but there is also a fair share of fat to lose.  I finally have the motivation back to start progressing again.  I’ve been getting in my own way and it’s time to start feeling good about myself again.  I ordered some Lipo 6, which I received today.  I started taking Superpump 250 again this week and have been doing a pretty good job of keeping my eating in check.  A lot of my weight gain has come from too much alcohol and my cereal binges over about a month or more time.  It’s time to cut out the alcohol again and get serious about eating clean.  I’m ready to make the changes again…tired of feeling ****ty about myself.  I’m back into the swing of my weight training, but I need to dial that back a little and add some more cardio to lose the fat.  I’m ready! Time to make it happen!

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.  I’m so tired of being tired.  I had surgery 4 weeks ago to repair a rectocele and rectal prolapse (second surgery for the prolapse).  Up until then, I was working out heavy and wasn’t lacking motivation at all.  The surgery was laprascopic and I was only in the hospital for one night.  On the outside, everything was like before, except for some abdominal swelling and the little incisions that were healing.  I rested for the first whole week…well, I did some cardio everyday.  I swore I wouldn’t lift any weights for a couple weeks at least…but what an effect not working out can have on your mind.  I could feel myself becoming depressed and finally gave in and started picking up the 10lb dumbbells to at least do a few curls…then as my energy came back, which seemed to take forever….I started a full body circuit with the 10lbers and have been doing it 3x a week for the last couple weeks. 

I’ve noticed my thoughts about my body have been very negative lately and that just begets more negativity.  I’m an all or nothing type of person and it seems I’m either really good or really bad with my eating habits…the exercise usually doesn’t change.  Now, it’s like I’m afraid to work out too hard for fear that I’m going to have more internal issues, but at the same time, I feel a need to push myself.  The weather is getting nicer and that is helping me deal with things a little better.  I’ve been out for a few jogs/walks and soaked up a bit of sunshine.  I need more warmth and sunshine.

I think above anything else, I need to reaffirm my own belief in my capacity to achieve anything I put my mind to.  I need to talk to myself and think more positively.  It’s so easy for me to get sucked into an "I don’t give a shit" attitude that just compounds my frustrations.  I’m tired of obsessing about my body and looking in the mirror thinking no matter what I do I’ll never look the way I want to look.  The one regret I will always have in my life is letting my body go so badly for so long.  I did this to myself and it seems like no matter how hard I try to fix it, I can never completely repair the damage done.

Anyway…my rant…I need to pull my head out my ass and get on track again.  I’m not sure why I can’t be happy with my body the way it is and just keep it up and feel good about my accomplishments.  Why do I torture myself so much?  Fitness is my lifestyle.  I never want to be fat and out of shape again.  I want to grow older in a nice looking and physically active body.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who deals with such screwed up self-image and self-esteem issues…someday I wish I could just be okay and declare a truce between my mind and body.

I haven’t posted for quite some time.  I’m still working hard at sculpting this body of mine.  I get discouraged often by looking in the mirror.  I think I should look better than I do for as much time and effort as I put into eating healthy and exercising.  Of course, I also think that my own perception of what my body looks like is probably very warped.  I wish at times I could see myself through someone else’s eyes.  My gorgeous guy is doing the Hydroxycut Body Challenge and started working out and eating healthy the first part of January.  I’m so proud of him.  He’s doing awesome and looking sexier than ever.

 I can’t wait for warm weather and sunshine to arrive.  This winter has been long and the weather worse than normal.  I long to be outside walking/jogging and just soaking up the sunshine and breathing fresh air.  This spring will be even better with my guy getting active with me.  Can’t wait to get on the motorcycle and ride with him, too.

I applied for a position as a "circuit trainer" at Curves, and I had the interview this morning.  I was really hoping this would be the opportunity I was looking for to get into the fitness business, but unfortunately, the hours are not quite what I was looking for and the job description and pay are a bit lacking.  I would basically be a sales representative more than a fitness professional, selling memberships via referrals from clients.  The pay, of course, is just minimum wage with a commission for sales.  The owner of the franchise interviewed me and was very open with the fact that it is quite a no brainer job.  She explained the "Curves" workout and diet plan in pretty good detail, which all sounded pretty good to me at least for a beginner women’s workout for people who really don’t want to have to think about what they are doing for exercise each day.  Once again, I am faced with the fact that I need to create my own opportunity if I truly want to have the fulfilling career I dream of.  I have more brainstorming to do, and I need to somehow motivate more people to make the commitment to having a healthy body and making lifestyle changes.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written and like usual, I’m freakin out that I’m not progressing…even though I know I’ve built more muscle in the past few months.  Even more than my own training and body issues, my frustration is my career or lack there of.  I ended my weight loss group meetings and have changed my focus to personal, one-one weight loss counseling in the hopes that I will be able to help more people by being more focused and flexible to their schedules.  Apparently, the people around here are completely unmotivated to change or put any effort into making themselves better!  I so desperately want to make people realize that they have the power to change their bodies and their lives, but I can only do so much.  I’ve put myself out there…..and now I am playing the waiting game in the hopes that just a handful, or hopefully more, will make the committment to themselves and start being positive instead of negative and seek my experience and expertise to guide them.  I just don’t know what more to do….I’m starting to think I’m going to have to set my passion for helping people this way aside for the time being and find a different job that pays the bills.

What does it take to make people wake up? I know that it takes them being uncomfortable with their present situation/body/etc. to make them want to change, but when they fit in so well with everyone else around them the way they are…..how do you make them realize they can be better and make them want to put the effort in to make their lives more positive and healthy for the long term?  Is there anything more I can be doing? Or do I just have to sit by and hope they wake up and start wanting to take care of themselves?

Lately, I’ve really been skeptical of how my body looks and the progress that I’m making.  I’m not sure I’m really progressing.  I have lost of few pounds and have been training consistently, but when I look in the mirror, it’s just not the body I want to see.  I’ve come such a long way from where I was and it’s hard sometimes to remember just how much I let my body go.  I’m dealing with the damage I inflicted by being such a glutton for so long.  I think my biggest problem is the excess skin that I still have….it prevents me from really seing the awesome muscle tone that I’ve achieved.  My body fat is somewhere between 14 and 16% and I know I shouldn’t really want to get it any lower, but sometimes I think that’s what I need to do to actually have the body I desire.  I have this picture in my head of how I want to look and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to achieve it do to my stretched out extra skin.  Sometimes I think maybe cosmetic surgery wouldn’t be such a bad idea (not that I could ever afford it).  I’m not sure I’d want to go through the recovery process of a surgery just for cosmetic value, even if someone offered the surgery for free.  Body dismorphia…I’ve heard the term and read the description and sometimes I really think that must be what it is that I’m dealing with.  I wish I could see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I finally got my group started.  I held the first real meeting last Wednesday and had a turnout of nine people…more than I had hoped and right around the number I hope to keep coming.  I’ve also picked up a couple more private clients.  My business is started!!  I’m loving it so far and hope it keeps building.

I’ve been doing a split body strength routine for the last 10 weeks and am loving it.  I can tell I’m more solid and have gained more muscle mass.  I’ve been watching my diet pretty closely and have been consuming more protein.  I’m amazed at how much my body changes every time I change up my routine.  Maybe one of these days I’ll look in the mirror and actually be thrilled with what I see…not sure I’ll ever be completely happy with my body.  It will always be a work in progress….and that’s ok.

I am in the process of getting my own personal training business started! I have put up some posters and brochures and made business cards. I’ve had a couple of inquiries via email.  What excites me the most is that I have at least 20 or more people interested in attending a weight loss support meeting!  I have to go through some red tape to get a meeting set up at the Wellness Center where I work, but hopefully I can have everything approved and ready to get started by the first week of February. I’ve been working on setting up my own weight loss program and I am confident that I will be successful in helping others achieve their goals.

My own training is going wonderfully! I love how tight my body is starting to feel. My muscles are definetly increasing in size and everything is toning up.  I’m already getting spring fever and can’t wait for winter to be over. It’s been really cold with high temps in the single digits the last week or so.  I just can’t wait for warm, sunny days to be outdoors walking, biking and running again.

I finally started taking a protein supp and creatine on 12-24-07. The creatine loading phase was interesting….I drank lots of water and went wee-wee lots…toward the end of the five days, I was feeling some stomach cramping and bad gas.I did notice the difference in my energy level and the way I feel. I’ve just been drinking one protein shake a day after my workout, mixing my second dose of creatine into it. I feel bloated…my pants feel tighter in the legs. I feel strong, though.I feel like my muscles have gotten bigger. I still need to keep a better watch on my diet… need to quit snacking at night on my cereal and almond combo….I eat way too much before bed. Need to break some bad habits or at least change them. Workouts have been going great….doing an upper and lower body split each day, with about four days on and one day of just cardio in between to recover. I feel like I should be doing more cardio…I’ve gotten so used to doing cardio almost everyday and have switched to more weight training. I guess I need to give it some more time and see what happens with my body…this is kind of an experiment for me.

I’ve been thinking I should start using a protein supplement. I’m pretty sure I don’t get nearly enough protein in my diet!I’m working on building more lean muscle and have been feeling really tired lately. I really need to start eating something every couple of hours. I go way too long between meals. I’ve been checking out protein supps and am not sure what to get. I also think a creatine supp would do wonders from what I’ve been reading. I’m looking for a little advice on what flavors of protein are best as well as what creatine supps are best and flavors.