Born of Divine Blood

I find moronic individuals that like to attempt to make generalizations about my life or try to elucidate any part of my life that they have absolutely no clue about HILARIOUS!!! And as they continue on their pointless rant of inquisition their ignorance becomes more and more apparent. If you’re going to attempt to issue scathing remarks toward me at least do your research and get simple FACTS correct, ROFL.

So the summer welcome rounds have started. This is when all new incoming freshman come for about a day and a half or so and get acclimated to the campus and such. Why would this effect my mental health one may ask…..well there’s one HUGE reason, but there are also some smaller ones.

I mean, honestly, I HATE this school. At every turn they literally steal money from you and the quality of education and guidance for that education has been much less than what one should receive for 20+ thousand a  year. So that’s constantly on my mind…I always want to yell at the prospective freshman that it sucks ass here.

Then there are the students that run the summer welcome stuff…..WOW….i don’t know where they find these people with their dancing and whooping and carrying on about how awesome mizzou is all day long….i mean really??? I can’t help but just stare open mouthed and wonder…"do you really go to school here? I mean come on now…"

Not so much annoying but hilarious is when tours of them come through the gym…..it’s kind of like you’re at a zoo and you’re the one in the cage, and I always seem to be the main attraction…..which is weird because i still don’t consider myself that big yet….but i guess compared to the pathetic frat-boys i already am truly a god among drunkards.

and now…..THE reason i’m disturbed…..the PERFECT little 18 year olds walking around that obviously need me to pleasure them endlessly. It’s so painful…..I admit, i stare openly…hell i think the parents often see me staring. I can’t help it. I’m deprived byond most people’s imagining damnit. Anyone who’s ever read pretty much any of my blogs knows i don’t get laid. And any amount of ’self-love’ really only satiates one for a couple hours at most…and usually 30 minutes. So vicious, they make me wish and want to just take them and do whatever they want…even regardless of how dumb they are or how much they drink or what their inherently retarded religion is….but alas….I know I wont. Pushing me to action takes more than a young pretty face, a tight ass, and a beckoning pussy, I must have connection…..or maybe i’m just talking myself down off trying it lol. Bottomline…..IT’S COMPLETE AGONY!

I think this may be what brought on the uncontrollable cravings I had that ended my contest prep prematurely again….I had this problem last year, but my diet was not nearly as dialed then. This time I have down EXACTLY what the issue arose from I believe. On my medium carb days I think dropping below around 120g is what did it. The final straw being eliminating my last scoop of volu-gro from my pwo shakes. I did that at the beginning of the week….was eating **** by thursday night. So as a note to myself….when we do this all over again in january and forward of 2010…..it’s better to add 20 minutes of cardio than cut those carbs on the medium days…..I think the medium days are the only issue because there’s 4 of them in a row. To long to be that low without variety for my body.

So the more I consider the idea, the more I think i would be truly happy doing such a thing. And as mom and dad say the only way to become truly wealthy is to be in business for yourself. I’ve of course considered this at length over the years ever since I started going to gyms, and especially since frequenting the most hardcore gym on the planet (METROFLEX in Arlington mother****in Texas baby!!).

In the past i’ve written it off as not being able to be profitable, especially being hardcore. And there’s no other way to be for me and my brothers so that’s the only option. But I think perhaps mixing in some of the facets that make more money and attract different groups of people could help to make money, and the gym itself can be as hardcore as we want it still. Not necessarily dirty and stuff like metroflex, but loud as **** metal and heavy ASS weights we can do.

Why do i bring this back up now one might ask, what with me diligently studying astrophysics and such. Even sacrificing my summer at the moment to do research in it 40 hours a week. Well, honestly, thinking about the prospects, for the most part I don’t see how you can ever really control your own income in astrophysics, you’re always working for someone else, even with a doctorate and tenured professorship you still don’t make much more than 110k or so, and that’s after years of putting the time in prior. And in terms of discoveries or creating something that you could sell for a lot of money, that’s quite limited too, short of creating warp drive or something I don’t see how you can do anything along those lines. Now i’m by no means sure of this, nor am I giving up on it. I do love physics and astrophysics especially, i will finish my undergraduate degree in it (yes finally). But the future after that is muddled for the moment. I definitely need to talk to my research advisor about the subject. Perhaps you can start your own research firm of sorts, I don’t know….

And as always…..whoooooo knows what’s gonna happen with me and bodybuilding!!!!! I firmly believe and always have in my heart that I can be a pro, only when I stray and let the evil nay-sayers in my head does the doubt begin.

So i’m training arms today…..ARMageddon as any who know me know i refer to it. And essentially the ENTIRE time i’m in there there’s this little bimbo kind of training legs….but really, you can tell she’s just trying to find some little frat-boy ass to do things with. First she ‘talks’ with the attendent for half the time i’m doing biceps……then halfway through triceps she’s talking to another guy….this was after her sets of smith squat….and she talked to this guy for at least 20 minutes and i got the impression she’d never met him before….so after any pump she did have is COMPLETELY gone she finally starts working out again.

Now the WORST part of this is that she always seems to end either right in front of me, or very near me as i’m progressing through my workout….for all I know she wanted me, but i’m not gonna give anyone the time of day while i’m training. It was very distracting though….she was wearing shorts that…literally probably weren’t as long as my hand….and i have small hands. So when she does squats what happens?……they ride pretty much up her ass and she just keeps going….by this time I’m constantly arguing with myself in my head on rest breaks not to look at her….because I know it’s rude….but wtf….I can only resist so much….the voice that wants me to look almost always wins….:( i’m sorry mom, i know i shouldn’t look, but she wont quit!!!!!

eventually this progressed to the point where i’m doing leg press calf raises to finish up and my manhood was not in control of itself totally anymore….so had an issue there……and then on top of that i had realized earlier that the crotch in these shorts i have on is questionable in the integrity department…so the last 5 minutes of my workout i’m just trying to keep that from getting away from itself and busting the shorts…..

however….I got AWESOME pumps today…..so give and take i guess.

I’m very frustrated….with so many things. Everything seems to be pissing me off today. Whether it’s something lacking in my actions or other people and their actions it’s setting me off and making me boil inside.

I’m not competing anymore this summer. Yea i can rationalize that it would be worthless, actually a pretty good argument, but still inside the one voice is saying "haha you failed you pathetic piece of shit". So there’s that, and i’ve been eating shitty, originally what has brought about the stopping of the contest prep of course. I’m not sure i can diet more than 20 or so weeks and not have a ****ing binge, i just get so sick of it. And of course there’s emotional stuff in there too that always comes up and pushes me that way in addition to the extreme limiting of bad food on the diet.

One thing that honestly makes me feel the worst and question why I do any of this is this, I walked around under 8% bodyfat for at least 2 if not 3 weeks before my little breakdown and of course i was approaching that prior to. And you know what? I got absolutely NOTHING in the way of increased attention from females….no looks, nothing. And that makes me immeasurably sad and depressed because if there’s no one here that appreciates that kind of work and dedication then there are no girls here for me….and I’m very alone and so very tired of it. Yea, granted, I don’t make moves I don’t even try to talk to anyone *sigh* but I would think SOMEONE would overcome the fear of my silence. I’m not a social creature, but even those like me need that close-knit circle, even if there’s only one person in it, and I don’t have it. Sure i have my family at home. But my parents don’t understand and wont listen when you try to explain things like bodybuilding and what you have to do to succeed. I think they’re starting to resent me too actually since i’m kind of a money drain in their eyes i’m sure. I have my brothers, but i’m never with them since I have to stay here at school for research and they’re working with dad traveling all over. So really, I have no one….not that this is new, but especially in the contest prepatory environment it wears on you to the point of breaking no matter what you try. Yes i’m strong, not just physically but mentally as well, but even my fortitude can’t over come months at a time with no one that really relates to you at all and that you can talk to and share what you’re feeling.

And i really don’t see how it ever changes. The bottomline is i’m not a very likable person, I’m more opinionated than most of you can probably imagine that don’t know me personally and people hate this, once i have enough facts and form an opinion and point of view i will NEVER change it, i’ll argue it till i’m blue in the face and know that i’m 100% correct. And of course if that’s not enought to turn someone away then the nature of some of my opinions and beliefs surely will. I’m not social….I don’t like going to bars….probably actually will never go to one, I don’t drink, so even if you were my friend what do you do with me right? Seems most people aren’t very clever beyond going out and getting good and drunk and partying, so many other things you can do together and have fun without killing valuable brain cells but it just seems like no one wants to. So what do I do? I am who I am, that will never change for anyone or any reason…..I guess all I can really do is keep going and hope that some day I actually find a handful of those special people that are ok with me……because the only alternative i see is give up…..and although i’ll give up on contest prep for a year so i can grow, i wont give up on life.

As anyone can see from my weight this morning i did a no no last night. Ate 4 cups of oatmeal between 7 last night and 4 this morning, with quite a bit of peanut butter. Unlike my breakdown last year though….i’m not throwing in the towel on this. After dieting for somewhere around 20 weeks the body needs a reload…yes i’ve had a cheat meal once a week and my carb days on fridays. But I definitely needed some carbs yesterday. Did i need as many as i got? prolly not, As i said before it’s not imperative that i compete, so why not experiment a little with what will really break me and what wont. Yea i’m still having my cheat meal friday, so we’ll see how much of this weight drops off in 2 days….i’m assuming pretty much all of it as at least 80% has got to be due to just the water of the oatmeal and its sheer weight.

2. So that if you wife or mom suggests you get an economical car (a focus or something) you can honestly say that there’s absolutely no way you could fit in it for any extended period of time without having claustrophobia issues

3. So that all the incredibly stupid females stay away from you because they’re intimidated…note: this may not work in the prescense of alcohol, just a heads up….i have essentially no experience in that department and don’t plan on acquiring any so i wouldn’t know.

these reasons are in no particular order by the way…

If anyone is tired of their blender leaking on them then pay attention…..months ago i had to get a new one…in january i think. So i went to walmart, picked up one from GE….reputable company right? well lets just say they can’t make blenders…not only did it start leaking like hell….the bearings in the pitcher started dying within 2 months so it sounded like a bomb going off in my apartment.

Sooooo then mom remembers she has an extra blender she’ll never need in the storage units. She has that insane 400-500 dollar smoothie maker thing now, i forget it’s name….anyway it’s a kitchenaid, the one from the storage unit. I didn’t know anything about it…but after getting it out of the box (no it was never used, mom likes to buy things for god knows what reasons) and examining it….i don’t think it CAN leak!!!!!!!!!!!  It’s all one piece (the pitcher)!!!!!!! Far and away the best design i’ve ever seen…..i’m sure it was like 70 bucks….but if you want a blender that will finally not pee on you, go look at the kitchen aid ones….this one has a big ass pitcher too, holds over 7 cups of liquid.

So today was supposed to be the day i add another 20 minutes of cardio to my days. But it seems the Gods are against me here. Wake up get dressed…..take fat burner (off clen this week)….open blinds in my front room and looks fine….sit down to start putting my shoes on….bam bam….starts raining like hell….now i’m dedicated, but cardio in the rain? no thank you…so i guess it’s gonna wait till tomorrow. I don’t think it’s urgent…my calories are low enough i’m still making very good progress without more cardio, just need to kick it up a notch. Actually reached a new low this morning…200 even….i betta be below 200 tomorrow.

Worst part of the rain…..i now have to do my entire regular hour of cardio post workout….and guess what i’m training today??? LEGZ!!!! yep…i’m dead. I wanna do a FST-7 exercise for quads today too…..i’m scared lolz.

As far as diet tweaking we’re leaving it for this week i think. The added cardio will contribute to a bigger deficit with the same number of cals going in. For the low days though i need to try and bring down the cals a little bit maybe. On my medium carb days i’m around 2400-2500 cals, never hungry, bout 120-140g carbs…..but on the low days my cals actually go up to more like 2650 or so. I know it’s the peanut butter, eating like 8 tbsp. a day on low carb days…and believe me it’s not like it’s THAT much of a comfort lol, the low days are still sucking. I suppose on low days once i drop my last scoop of volu-gro i could conceivably add a salad, i think my salad’s only have like 20g of carbs. I dunno we’ll see, low carb alternatives anyone wants to suggest would be appreciated.

Already planning my cheat meal for friday, can’t decide between 3 things now…..blueberry pancakes, stuffed hamburgers, or nachos……so hard to decide.