Born of Divine Blood

Doctor this morning……..i was nervous….MUAHAHAHHAHAH but it turns out…all i have is runners knee. So i’m ****in back, time to kick some friggin ass and take their names. All i have to do to fix this is make my currently lead hamstrings more stretchy like. So the contest prep is most definitely back on!!!!!!

Just got done doing a shoulder workout a little while ago…..i was jacked….I can’t wait to get truly shredded for once, i’m gonna look amazing. Training is going to change to a 3 on 1 off….and that should most definitely help in the carb cycling dept…make every 4th day a low day and one high and 2 mediums in between. The diet goes hardcore next week. No more rice or black beans except some rice will be allowed on high carb days perhaps. Back to veggies for what little carbies i’m gonna have.

LET THERE BE NO MISTAKE…..when i step on that stage, if you’re standing next to me, you will lose. Lights Out BABY

So 6th day out of the gym. Remarkably i’m still alive. I actually did call up the student health center and have an appointment to have my knee looked at on friday morning. Regardless i’m working out Friday. The knee doesn’t feel like it’s changing THAT much, i mean yea it feels better, but then again i’m not training and doing my cardio, so i would expect that it should feel better even if it’s not healing. I can’t afford an MRI or anything, which the student health fee doesn’t cover, so hopefully the doctor can give some sort of insight. I think i can still plan on doing the Branch but i’m going to have to get my shit on par for sure. Trying to think about all that and not so much about money. The money will take care of itself i trust.

I am going home this weekend…have to put my refund checks in my bank account and such…hopefully the brothers aren’t training legs saturday so i can work out with them.

Blech…..Day 3 out of the gym….I MIGHT last till wednesday, no way in hell i’ll last much longer. Am I addicted? probably. Lifting weights and the gym is my LIFE though, without it I have nothing in my view. Lol I’m supposed to be getting a job, and in this state there is no way in bloody hell i’ll pass a job interview, my self esteem taking so much time out of the gym and thinking on my possible injury has gone through the floor. I don’t know what to do on that front. Parents threatening HARD to cut me off by june 1….and i’m not done with school, so wtf do i do? I need some way to get money for school, because my course lineup for next semester will not allow for a job, no way in hell. I really need to truly learn and absorb this stuff in order to move forward and be offered things like the REU research positions and getting into a good master’s/doctorate program. I just don’t know what to do with this, not had to deal with it…in fact this is the only year i’ve ever asked the parents for money, other summers i’ve worked with dad and made enough to pay my expenses pretty much all the way through the year. But i can’t do that now, i’m doing research in the summer…and it doesn’t pay 20/hr.

Ah and the other topic of the day….Got Kate to talk to me….and she’s engaged so i guess it truly is time i give up on that apparent dream. Brings tears to my eyes, i’ve laid in bed countless nights thinking she was my princess and all i needed to do was go and find her again, but i guess not. I need closure with her, and i’m not sure at all how to get it. I’ve not found any sort of love to replace her in my mind….obviously that would do it. But I don’t know that i even believe that any girls around here could possibly fill that role. There’s just no one like Kate here. Someone on another board suggested that i should write a paper describing in detail how i would want my life to be with her….and then burning it, releasing me from her. I may try to do this because nothing else, including the 2 years since we’ve been together has made me move on and forget.

Now off to try valiantly to finish my quantum mechanics homework and try not to think about my lost love and my love that’s being kept from me (the gym)

So this sucks. I don’t think i’ve ever had a week off of training since starting and I’m in day 2 and already depressed as hell. NOT fun at all. I wanted to get stuff done during this hiatus but all i can do is lay around and wallow in sadness lol. Hopefully it’ll get better since i’ll have classes to go to tomorrow and such, but i’m doubtful. I just need my knee to heal during this, no questions….just knit up knee.

So, no working out…..what else is there do you ask??? Well not much, I’m just reading the abstract on all the sweet research i get to do this summer on Stardust. VERY interesting stuff and I do look very forward to working on it. Hopefully do some applied analysis homework and Modern Physics but i dunno, not feeling very motivated on those fronts.

LOL just realized i’ve not gone out of my apartment since friday afternoon…..what does that mean?