Born of Divine Blood

Why do i do this to myself? will i ever know? Is there something fundamentally WRONG with me that makes me not want to go out and have ‘fun’? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME????

I hate by behavior, and yet i feel powerless to change it……I should be out right now, or getting ready to go out anyway and have fun….no not get wasted, nothin will make me do that, but just going out with friends and having good conversation and connecting with people. And what am i doing? sitting here in front of the computer…

i know there’s a saying/story about a bible salesman that comes to an older country gentlemans house and proceeds to start his spiel and he notices that the man’s bloodhound i s yowling in pain. So he asks the man what’s wrong with his dog and he tells him "he’s sitting on a nail" and so the bible salesman asks why he doesn’t move, and the man’s response is "because it doesn’t hurt enough yet"  Is that what i am? Am I the dog sitting on the nail that wont move because i don’t know that the pain of missing out on alot of this life is greater than i realize?

I just don’t wanna deal with all the stress and crap of going out. It all seems so stressful to me, finding a place to park, dealing with the hordes of people. Alot of them hot girls that could take advantage of me. And what’s the payoff of dealing with all that? To me i can’t even see the payoff, ok i get to talk to a couple friends……what else is there? i get to spend money i don’t have too of course, for gas and a soda or whatever. And all of it is excuses to cover up my fear of something….i don’t even understand what i’m afraid of….they’re bars, i’ve been to restaurants that have bars, they don’t seem so evil and wicked in the day time….it’s like in my head i think the drunk girls are going to carrry me off and rape me or something…..again i ask, wtf is wrong with me….i’m in college, i don’t have a girlfriend, the prospect of that should send me RUNNING to the bar shouldn’t it?

ugh….i just don’t see the pont sometimes….i wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if i’d have never discovered bodybuilding and was better liked in elementary and high school……what if

so back to columbia and my cozy apartment today yayyyyyyy. I was getting so tired of being at home. Yea i love my family dearly, but wow they eat like shit constantly, even my 2 other bros that are into bodybuilding. I’ve decided it’s a pretty toxic environment for achieving any goals with respect to bodybuilding and/or fitness. Maybe one day it will be different, but until then my visits there need to be limited and controlled.

Hell i actually LOST weight bulking while i was home suckkkkkkss, especially since i feel fatter now. So yea, staying away from home while i’m cutting for sure.

As for cutting, I’ve decided that feb. 1 is a good day i think. I don’t have a 2009 calendar yet so i don’t know how many weeks that would put me out but it’s something like 22-24 i think. Plenty of time to do this right and get absolutely shredded down. For the next couple weeks i’ll be trying to maintain and monitor my diet to get a baseline calorie level to cut from. I can’t wait to get rolling on cutting, i’ve gained a SOLID 15 pounds of muscle or so since last time around so i should look damn good.

I also have a lead on a job, personal training, got at interview tomorrow at 9:30, looking forward to that, i’m pretty sure i can get that, and hopefully doing that will alleviate some of my financial fears as my parents try to turn me loose on my own here in May. unfortunately the first new purchase will have to be a new desktop computer or a good laptop with a dock because my desktop is COMPLETELY dead now. Which at the moment means no music, which is very very depressing, hopefully i can hook my speakers up to this little laptop and get some tunes going.

training….did chest today, 35 sets, felt good, no pain in my left pec like there has been for last couple weeks got legs tomorrow…..gonna tear it up as always. I wanna take progress pics but i have a sweater growing on me and don’t have the funds to go have it removed at the moment (i can’t do my back myself). Hopefully i can get that done soon because i HATE bodyhair and it makes me feel like shit.

Legz were the weapon with which we annihilated ourselves and the weights today. I went pretty hard…..trained with no kind of concern for my knees….if they hurt i wrapped them and pushed on. I’m extremely tired of them being so pathetic and giving me such a hard time so from now on they will be ignored. I am ordering real knee sleeves tonight and that should help. I will also get some more joint stuff, i simply can’t just stop though because of pain, that will never get you where you want to go.

so squatted….not too crazy….405 for 8 was my best set, but back to my working range despite the exquisite knee pain. Leg pressed…..1440 for 10 i think it was…the new leg press at the new gym is sweet, we can actually put enough weight on it to get down into the 8-12 range did a 7 on leg ext….ext….then hamstrings and some calves….about a 2.5 hour workout all in all.

after driving home of course….now my knees hurt LIKE HELL….but what can i expect, it is what it is….i’ll still train hard, until they decide to quit this crap. I must if i want to prevail and win my shows and get into the freaky crazy shape and condition that i need.

Ah, and so 2009 begins……just wanting to set forth some of my aspirations for the year and give some updates as i’ve not been on very much at all. First some intentions…….

1. I shall compete in 2009 at least once and do the best that my body will allow. Do i want this to be a win? Of course, and i will give it my all to make that happen. There will be absolutely no excuses like i started making last year, my mind is iron and will not be swaying by poisoning thoughts in this venture.

2. My life will be very very different by the end of this year. I anticipate pretty much being on my own….no more bullshit with my parents and money. How is that to happen? i’m not quite sure but I know it can somehow and it WILL still allow me to dedicate myself fully to the gym and my upcoming competitions. I do feel kind of jaded in this respect as i believe wholeheartedly that it is the parent’s job to put their child through college up to the bachelors level at least, and as such if and when i have children they will receive that from me or i’ll not have them, if you can’t afford children you shouldn’t have them. Anyway….my parents obviously made many many mistakes in that department, good thing i’m a genius.

3. I shall be more open and…..approachable and attract more people into my life that i would want to have something to do with. This is probably the most difficult of these for me to accomplish and move forward on but I must. My family in alot of ways just isn’t what it used to be in understanding and support and I have to create a circle of friends and special people that will be that for me. Even if it means talking to girls when I don’t think they want me too. As was suggested to me I know i have to change my thinking on this, and so i will move forward with that. I’m trying to create one of my personal training applications working out so that I am around and interact with other fitness oriented people and maybe find some that can be the beginning of this ‘circle’ for me. If not I will be forced to do the personal training the hard way i guess…..as an independent contractor and just find some clients.

4. Continue to do amazing in school and enjoy learning, learning is meant to be fun….not work

5. To be injury free and stay that way….no nagging issues like i’ve had of late. I think a transition week of sorts when i begin to cut at the end of January should help all of these issue mend and after that i will be much more diligent with things like warming up….stretching….and taking my joint supps. I actually intend to do some sort of yoga kind of class to help me in the flexibility department.

ok well that’s enough of those for now….I’ll put more up in later entries as i think of them i guess

 As for updates…..my left quad is completely better…..my knees are getting much better and will get a good test tomorrow with an insane leg day. I actually think that stopping deadlifting could have prompted the knee thing because they only started to hurt after i hurt my quad and quit deadlifting for a couple weeks, after deadlifting yesterday my knees feel much better….not 100% but much much better. I did go to the chiropractor also and he said that based on where the pain was it’s a cartilage issue anyway…..so that says to me they’re just being pansy asses and the pain needs to be ignored. lol i do have another little injury now though….my left pec…..hurt it last chest day…but it’s not been right since like june when i did some assoholic crossfit drop set stuff unwittingly. Trained chest today again and it started hurting pretty bad…so i’m going to ice and heat it here after i’m done writing and see what that does. Obviously as with all my injuries nothing is torn, it’s just acting up and marginally injured.

Other news….just pretty much to the point that i want to start up school again….I detest not having a good, set schedule to go off of. I guess it’s good because I am catching up on all of my sleep and such…but it sucks for meal timing and getting anything else done of a day at all. Ha and speaking of meals…..WOW, i have been eating really badly….another reason i need to get back to school. Mom essentially doesn’t buy healthy food and they also eat out alot, so with every passing day i want more and more to start cutting….just a little longer and i’ll be able to get to it, it can’t come soon enough.

Anywho….Happy New Year to all and i wish everyone luck this year with competitions and such….unless you’re against me….then you’ll have to lose