Born of Divine Blood

I don’t wanna do this anymore. The one time i’ve ever felt strong enough to ask someone out……i get a yes……but then it somehow turns into a…..oh that’s not what I meant….i thought we were going as friends……………..****….seriously someone kill me, I want a companion……and if not someone as perfectly suited for me as she seems to be then wtf am i supposed to do? I sit here with tears in my eyes, i wanted this to be it so badly….or at least ya know fun and a new experience or something. But instead it ends up my social stupidity being so prevalent that i can’t even tell when a girl thinks i’m "just a friend". How the **** did that happen anyway? Isn’t the from potential to just friend transition supposed to take some time? i’ve only talked to her for like a week and a half!!!!!!!

So i guess now i do what I always do when i get convinced that i’m worthless and essentially as unattractive as possible…..I take the empty place where my heart was years and years ago when i was naive and draw all the anger and frustration from it and put it in the weights. And maybe, just maybe…..lol i still think this even though it’s not remotely true….i can get big enough to actually attract a girl. I just fear that if i ever found one now that i wouldn’t be able to let my heart out, if it even still exists, I’ve been so cold for so long i’m not sure i can recover

Maybe take four scoops of superpump tomorrow to make me brave before goin in? Shit always makes me more talkative and funny…..eh eh? whos with me…..lol put on simply irresistable by robert palmer……feelin better already *singin* shes so completely kissable…..our eyes are indivisible….well now she used to look good to me but now i find her….simply irresistable!!!

I figured i better do this before i start studying here because i really need to concentrate on that tonight………Seems i woke up on the EXTREME wrong side of the bed and now i’m so pissed off i can’t even really think straight. I’m just filled with this hatred for pretty much all living things at the moment. I don’t know where it comes from but i just can’t stand it. Prolly stemming from me somehow convincing myself i’m nowhere near good enough for this girl i was gonna ask out tomorrow…..**** i’m already putting it in past tense like i wont do it….that makes my heart ache because i really really need to. I can’t be alone here anymore. I’ve done it for almost three years now and i just can’t stand it anymore, if i don’t get someone in my life here that matters to me within this semester i think i’ll have to go home because at least my family supports me like that. It’s just like….NO ONE CARES……i hate college so ****ing much because of this, i essentially have no one i could go to if i had a big problem. Doesn’t help i guess that i WONT go to guys with things like this but i mean…i’m not bad looking…i’m a good guy……i’m incredibly smart…..If i can’t find someone here i can at least be close friends with (hugs…..help with this crap…..more hugs….prolly me crying on occasion) then wtf hope is there in life? I’m forced to keep everything all bottled up kinda because of this and I just can’t stand it…..weirdly double edged too because like it makes me extremely intensely angry when i workout which i’m sure pushes ALL the girls that could sympathize with me and be into fitness and stuff run in terror…….so i don’t know what to do…..I need to ask her but now i’ve gotten so negative i’ve pretty much convinced myself it’ll be no and she has a bf or something……i just need to remember that either way…..yes or no it’ll give me gym fuel…..it’s just that the gym fuel from a "no" answer might kill me since it’s leg day tomorrow…….i dunno if anybody reads this but if you do help me lol please

booo….I’m really craving a shake with some protein and milk and whole lotta natty peanut butter but it seems that i’ve forgotten to put that on the shopping list booo…

so i sit here on friday night….alone with the TV as usual, all contemplative like. Pretty much feel like i’ve been hit by one of my dad’s semi trucks actually. Just weary, ever so weary…very glad i get to sleep at least 8 hours tonight. Just so hard during the week on the days when i have to get up at 5 to fall asleep at 9 and get that full 8 hours. I"m workin on it…..but it’s been like 3-4 weeks on this schedule and it’s not gettin a whole lot better it seems. I’m seriously contemplating goin to the hot tub tomorrow at the Rec. I’m that sore lol….I’m not really in hot tub shape at the moment either…..not to mention i’m hairy.  The hairy thing SUCKS….because i don’t see any point in gettin rid of like the stuff on my chest when i have no one to help me with my back…..that’d look super funny right? so yea…..and of course my brain continues to play catch with the obsession of me having gyno that i do or don’t have…so annoying, i want to go to a plastic surgeon just so he can tell me once and for all, either yes you have it or no you don’t. Hopefully it’ll go away here cuz i think i would go nuts if i had to have the surgery and couldn’t train chest for 4 weeks or whatever. not fun.

oh and then i was in a pretty positive mood right…..but then my "friend" gives me this bullshit that if i found the girl i met at the gym on facebook and added her then i’ll never have a chance with her…..dunno WTF kind of logic that is but it’s weighin on me a little bit right now. I don’t need that kind of negativity.  If she does oh well…..cuz that’s you not the kind of girl i’m interested in. I was just tryin to tell her anyway that the iron man is bein webcast and that she could watch the figure part if she’d wanna. I don’t see the problem really. anyway

there are two movies at least that i really really wanna see out at the moment…..but i just really don’t wanna go alone, it’s not fun at all ya know? I mean even if the movie is really good i’m constantly reminded the entire movie that i’m alone, it’s not that apparent when i’m just sittin at home i guess. oh yea the movies….i really wanna see Fools Gold and Jumper…..how could i not go see a sci-fi type movie that has Anakin in it? lol

and of course the stock market is still kinda suckin balls…..even i’m kinda questioning my decision to invest now and i love the market. I mean I don’t wanna have to take the money out when it’s at less than what i put in. I know the correct attitude to have is that i should never ever worry about money and "money comes easily and frequently" and so i’m trying to put that first in my head about this instead of worrying about it cause the reality is that i need to bring in something here before school’s out so i can pay for stuff.  I’m sure the parentals would help out but i don’t feel comfortable asking….specially when i’m sure my brother that dropped out of college would find out and then try to use it against ‘em.

Also got three tests next week at school so that’ll be fun….i never really worry bout such things….lol I quite frankly never get stressed lol….still gonna have to study a bit to pull of my usual A’s though i guess.

so tomorrow…gotta do all my laundry…..start countin out calories….just gonna eat my regular good food and figure out where i’m at calorie wise and go from there…..train arms…..study some for marketing and econ…..then prolly have another night like this one lol……well no lets be positive….i’m gonna get in contact with katie and go do something and have fun gotta stay positive so i can attract those positive things i want

mmmk well then time to go watch stargate lol and relax a bit

The chaffing wasn’t nearly as bad today….had a really good cardio session actually….ran alot more than usual, even though the walking up an incline keeps my heart rate up where it needs to be it doesn’t make me sweat like jogging for a while.

I hope i see katie at the gym today so i can get her number and stuff……that’d be cool. I wanna go out and do something for once and she seems like the perfect person to do whatever we wanna do with lol…if that sentence made sense at all. But yea…..the arnold is comin getting increasingly excited about it

I train legs today…..hopefully i can wake up here more by the time i gotta go….feelin a lil groggy from gettin up to do cardio at 5 i guess. The superpump almost always kicks my ass into gear though so thank Odin for that I wanna have a little bit of a cheat meal this weekend but i don’t have any bad food in the apartment and if i can’t find katie i dunno….i don’t like doing stuff alone AT ALL….

Prolly watch the Iron Man webcasts here this weekend too while i’m studying for marketing and econ and management…..yea so that’s all folks……everyone help me to catch katie at the gym here in a bit

Holy shit this sucks……apparently my legs are alot bigger than last year or something and now i’m getting serious chaffing from my cardio in the morning….really sucks….pretty much i just bleed now from it lol, skin is like all gone in a couple places…..i guess i must be a litle masochistic to be able to keep going lol. Anybody else have this happen? Not like there’s a bunch of fat on ‘em really….they’re just gettin really big….

on another front…..I MET A GIRL AT THE GYM TODAY!!! and not only a girl…..a dedicated, disciplined sweet girl that wants to do figure competitions…..law of attraction at work i guess

First thought……cashews are evil……i bought one of those big tubs from wally-world last friday……..and pretty much it’s gone as of right now i couldn’t stop…..definitely not gonna be buyin those nuts when I have to get into hardcore cutting mode here next month.

Now that that’s out of the way. Feelin pretty damn good today……extremely sore when i try to bend over though from back yesterday……i did deadlift 545 for 2 though so it’s to be expected. I have chest today…..thinkin at the moment that i might actually do Incline Dumbblell press first for once…..I usually do Flat Barbell first as of late it seems. Then got legs tomorrow for the first time this week. I don’t think i’ll have a spotter around again unfortunately but i wanna get 405 for 5 by myself on squat. Leg press has been crappy lately too….I wanna load it up and get 8 again here….which is 1320 i think. I think this weekend i’m gonna start doin a food journal thing and figure out how many calories i’m eating so i can start gradually dropping them off. I’m kinda eating my cutting food at the moment but i’m not controlling it really.

ah to the subject of Valentine’s day……oh how i despise this holiday…..I have NEVER had anyone to hold on Valentine’s day all it serves to do is attempt to remind me that i’m all alone….Which is in a word….gay…..I’m in good spirits though in anticipation of the workout and my personal training possibilities…..not to mention that we had a very good discussion in Management 3000 today about being aggressive or passive in life in general and quantity oriented versus quality oriented……I’ve always wanted it all in life…..so i guess i’m aggressive and quantity and i don’t care if anyone has a problem with it….the bottom line is in the end….i win lol…..and i was thinkin about it….and i think that alot of fitness enthusiasts and professionals like us have an attitude alot like this….any comments?

Just got the cardio at 4 days a week right now for an hour in the mornings…..i’m not hardcore cutting yet just trying to add the cardio back in so it doesn’t hit me too hard when i gotta really kick it here. I’m sure that once i really gotta cut i’m gonna be doin cardio pretty much twice a day for an hour each like 6 days a week…..i dunno i’m debating on upping it right now to 5 days a week in the morning….

 omg and on another note….rofl the statistics head honcho dude tried to tell me that going to the arnold wasn’t a good excuse for missing a test……i was like huh? and then i was like wellllll do i need to drop the class? cuz there is no way in hell i’m not going to the arnold….and then he caved…which is good cause i was gettin irate….he doesn’t tell me whats important in my life

lol dunno why i felt the need to make a blog post for this……heard a lil snippet of this on scrubs and so now i’m rockin out to it……such a feel good song for me I seem to be in quite the good mood overall after my interview earlier today actually yay for kyle….:)

Feeling much better this morning…..i actually remembered a dream for once……my long lost girl from canada visited, it was great lol….i pretty much really feel embracing her and kissing her……no more than that in the dream though lol……it’s put me in a very much better mood today….i wish i could see her again, i really do……anyway…..MORNING CARDIO YAY!!!!! and good lord it’s cold outside