Marlene’s Mishaps & Motivations

What a rollercoaster week!  The scale and I are having a love, hate, love, hate, love relationship.   It seems that I either have a good "eating" day and "bad" workout day, or vice versa. . .today was both!  My husband hasn’t been in a very good mood the past week, and I have a feeliing that he read my profile and found out my weight. . .well, not much I can do about it now.  I need to be accountable to someone - and you guys out there have been amazing.

This past weekend I attended a PTA fundraising dinner and silent auction - pork was the main entree (unknown to me), so Wedn. the member in charge of the dinner sent out an email to all saying she just found out it was Ash Wedn. and that Catholics don’t eat meat on Fridays, so if you need a salmon entree instead of the pork, please let her know - well, I shot her an email back so quick - I attended catholic school for 12 years. . .(which is true). . .what I didn’t tell her is I was baptized Southern Baptist Feb. 19, 2006. . .I felt sort of guilty on Friday - so I didn’t eat meat at all that day!  I went out with a friend to go shopping and get our hair done!  What fun! 

I did have a glass of wine Friday night  — I am getting shocked learning how many calories are in alcohol. . .Saturday morning we had a snow storm - 6.5 inches - I took my kids to The Jonas Brothers Movie - there was only about 12 people in the theatre but the movie was showing as sold out - whimps!  I paid $15 per ticket I was not missing that movie.  Unfortunately - that darned bucket of popcorn waived at me - as did the Goobers - What kind of name is Goobers?  I can’t believe I bought and ate them!  I had trouble sleeping that night so, of course, I had tohave my peanut butter and jelly sandwhich - Sunday I spent most of the day packing up the stuff in my parents china cabinate and putting it on ebay and craigslist. . .lots of calls and sold several of the items - it was really a lot harder than I thought it would be - that was my childhood there - hard time sleeping again - late night snack - but at least it was a bowl of special k cereal. 

I have really got to stop these late night snacks.  Monday, I went to the grocery store, bypassed Starbucks (love their Venti White Choco Latte!), went to the "premade lunch" stuff - picked a chicken salad wrap. . .I thought I was doing really good - well last night I decided to check out some of these "apps" for my new iphone (I bought it Friday - did I mention that?!)  I got a Lose It and a calorie counter and about freaked out - I had know idea how much fat and calories were in chicken salad - duh - the mayo - I felt pretty stupid. . .I worked out with my trainer today - and I re-committed to this life change. . .I stopped by the grocery store and picked up what I thought were fresh green beans, new potatos and carrots. . .when I got home, I asked my husband about the green beans - he told me to snap off the two ends - well, they didn’t snap off - they were really gross - found out they were asparagus - YECK!  Okay, so I opened a frozen bag of greenbeans, threw away the asparagus tossed it into the crockpot with the carrots, onions, garlic (okay, reading this I realize I probably had breathe that kept ghosts away!) but it was pretty good. . .

Then my friend and co-leader for our daughters’ Brownie Troop called - said her kid was sick and I needed to have the meeting at my house - she had planned this one (there are four of us and we all take turns planning the meetings so it isn’t overwhelming) - we have been following a "Quest Journey’ for the last several months with different topics. . .and today’s topic was Making Healthy and Nutritious Food Choices - you’ve got to be kidding!  She actually had shceduled a licensed dietian and nutrionist. . .okay, God - funny, funny - he does have quite a sense of humor!  So we moved the meeting to my house - I didn’t tell Rick until about 30 minutes before the kids came over - I ran to the store and grabbed a couple of trays of fruit and some string cheese for their snack. . .it worked out well - however - under the "out of the mouths of babes" catagory - when the speaker asked the girls if they knew what a dietian was - my daughter, very innocently said:  "My mommy’s one - she’s on a diet all the time!"  The truth hurts! 

Well - today was a good day - I’m going to sign off to put my kids to bed and I am going to try and take some benedryl to see if I can sleep so hopefully I won’t stay up and start snacking!

Good night everyone!

What a rollercoaster week!  The scale and I are having a love, hate, love, hate, love relationship.   It seems that I either have a good "eating" day and "bad" workout day, or vice versa. . .today was both!  My husband hasn’t been in a very good mood the past week, and I have a feeliing that he read my profile and found out my weight. . .well, not much I can do about it now.  I need to be accountable to someone - and you guys out there have been amazing.

This past weekend I attended a PTA fundraising dinner and silent auction - pork was the main entree (unknown to me), so Wedn. the member in charge of the dinner sent out an email to all saying she just found out it was Ash Wedn. and that Catholics don’t eat meat on Fridays, so if you need a salmon entree instead of the pork, please let her know - well, I shot her an email back so quick - I attended catholic school for 12 years. . .(which is true). . .what I didn’t tell her is I was baptized Southern Baptist Feb. 19, 2006. . .I felt sort of guilty on Friday - so I didn’t eat meat at all that day!  I went out with a friend to go shopping and get our hair done!  What fun! 

I did have a glass of wine Friday night  — I am getting shocked learning how many calories are in alcohol. . .Saturday morning we had a snow storm - 6.5 inches - I took my kids to The Jonas Brothers Movie - there was only about 12 people in the theatre but the movie was showing as sold out - whimps!  I paid $15 per ticket I was not missing that movie.  Unfortunately - that darned bucket of popcorn waived at me - as did the Goobers - What kind of name is Goobers?  I can’t believe I bought and ate them!  I had trouble sleeping that night so, of course, I had tohave my peanut butter and jelly sandwhich - Sunday I spent most of the day packing up the stuff in my parents china cabinate and putting it on ebay and craigslist. . .lots of calls and sold several of the items - it was really a lot harder than I thought it would be - that was my childhood there - hard time sleeping again - late night snack - but at least it was a bowl of special k cereal. 

I have really got to stop these late night snacks.  Monday, I went to the grocery store, bypassed Starbucks (love their Venti White Choco Latte!), went to the "premade lunch" stuff - picked a chicken salad wrap. . .I thought I was doing really good - well last night I decided to check out some of these "apps" for my new iphone (I bought it Friday - did I mention that?!)  I got a Lose It and a calorie counter and about freaked out - I had know idea how much fat and calories were in chicken salad - duh - the mayo - I felt pretty stupid. . .I worked out with my trainer today - and I re-committed to this life change. . .I stopped by the grocery store and picked up what I thought were fresh green beans, new potatos and carrots. . .when I got home, I asked my husband about the green beans - he told me to snap off the two ends - well, they didn’t snap off - they were really gross - found out they were asparagus - YECK!  Okay, so I opened a frozen bag of greenbeans, threw away the asparagus tossed it into the crockpot with the carrots, onions, garlic (okay, reading this I realize I probably had breathe that kept ghosts away!) but it was pretty good. . .

Then my friend and co-leader for our daughters’ Brownie Troop called - said her kid was sick and I needed to have the meeting at my house - she had planned this one (there are four of us and we all take turns planning the meetings so it isn’t overwhelming) - we have been following a "Quest Journey’ for the last several months with different topics. . .and today’s topic was Making Healthy and Nutritious Food Choices - you’ve got to be kidding!  She actually had shceduled a licensed dietian and nutrionist. . .okay, God - funny, funny - he does have quite a sense of humor!  So we moved the meeting to my house - I didn’t tell Rick until about 30 minutes before the kids came over - I ran to the store and grabbed a couple of trays of fruit and some string cheese for their snack. . .it worked out well - however - under the "out of the mouths of babes" catagory - when the speaker asked the girls if they knew what a dietian was - my daughter, very innocently said:  "My mommy’s one - she’s on a diet all the time!"  The truth hurts! 

Well - today was a good day - I’m going to sign off to put my kids to bed and I am going to try and take some benedryl to see if I can sleep so hopefully I won’t stay up and start snacking!

Good night everyone!

What a rollercoaster week!  The scale and I are having a love, hate, love, hate, love relationship.   It seems that I either have a good "eating" day and "bad" workout day, or vice versa. . .today was both!  My husband hasn’t been in a very good mood the past week, and I have a feeliing that he read my profile and found out my weight. . .well, not much I can do about it now.  I need to be accountable to someone - and you guys out there have been amazing.

This past weekend I attended a PTA fundraising dinner and silent auction - pork was the main entree (unknown to me), so Wedn. the member in charge of the dinner sent out an email to all saying she just found out it was Ash Wedn. and that Catholics don’t eat meat on Fridays, so if you need a salmon entree instead of the pork, please let her know - well, I shot her an email back so quick - I attended catholic school for 12 years. . .(which is true). . .what I didn’t tell her is I was baptized Southern Baptist Feb. 19, 2006. . .I felt sort of guilty on Friday - so I didn’t eat meat at all that day!  I went out with a friend to go shopping and get our hair done!  What fun! 

I did have a glass of wine Friday night  — I am getting shocked learning how many calories are in alcohol. . .Saturday morning we had a snow storm - 6.5 inches - I took my kids to The Jonas Brothers Movie - there was only about 12 people in the theatre but the movie was showing as sold out - whimps!  I paid $15 per ticket I was not missing that movie.  Unfortunately - that darned bucket of popcorn waived at me - as did the Goobers - What kind of name is Goobers?  I can’t believe I bought and ate them!  I had trouble sleeping that night so, of course, I had tohave my peanut butter and jelly sandwhich - Sunday I spent most of the day packing up the stuff in my parents china cabinate and putting it on ebay and craigslist. . .lots of calls and sold several of the items - it was really a lot harder than I thought it would be - that was my childhood there - hard time sleeping again - late night snack - but at least it was a bowl of special k cereal. 

I have really got to stop these late night snacks.  Monday, I went to the grocery store, bypassed Starbucks (love their Venti White Choco Latte!), went to the "premade lunch" stuff - picked a chicken salad wrap. . .I thought I was doing really good - well last night I decided to check out some of these "apps" for my new iphone (I bought it Friday - did I mention that?!)  I got a Lose It and a calorie counter and about freaked out - I had know idea how much fat and calories were in chicken salad - duh - the mayo - I felt pretty stupid. . .I worked out with my trainer today - and I re-committed to this life change. . .I stopped by the grocery store and picked up what I thought were fresh green beans, new potatos and carrots. . .when I got home, I asked my husband about the green beans - he told me to snap off the two ends - well, they didn’t snap off - they were really gross - found out they were asparagus - YECK!  Okay, so I opened a frozen bag of greenbeans, threw away the asparagus tossed it into the crockpot with the carrots, onions, garlic (okay, reading this I realize I probably had breathe that kept ghosts away!) but it was pretty good. . .

Then my friend and co-leader for our daughters’ Brownie Troop called - said her kid was sick and I needed to have the meeting at my house - she had planned this one (there are four of us and we all take turns planning the meetings so it isn’t overwhelming) - we have been following a "Quest Journey’ for the last several months with different topics. . .and today’s topic was Making Healthy and Nutritious Food Choices - you’ve got to be kidding!  She actually had shceduled a licensed dietian and nutrionist. . .okay, God - funny, funny - he does have quite a sense of humor!  So we moved the meeting to my house - I didn’t tell Rick until about 30 minutes before the kids came over - I ran to the store and grabbed a couple of trays of fruit and some string cheese for their snack. . .it worked out well - however - under the "out of the mouths of babes" catagory - when the speaker asked the girls if they knew what a dietian was - my daughter, very innocently said:  "My mommy’s one - she’s on a diet all the time!"  The truth hurts! 

Well - today was a good day - I’m going to sign off to put my kids to bed and I am going to try and take some benedryl to see if I can sleep so hopefully I won’t stay up and start snacking!

Good night everyone!

I went to the gym again this morning - that’s THREE days in a row for me - WOW!  53 minutes on the elipticle - I learned something new today - all that blah, blah, blah that my trainer keeps telling me about stretching after working out - don’t tell him I said this - but he was right - I had a horrible leg cramp in the back of my shin that felt like a little rubber ball under my skin. . .it hurt sooooo bad - it happened when I was driving out of the parking lot from the gym - not one of my finer driving moments - I was getting text messages left and right that my boss was "operating without a net and needed me to get in immediately."  Well, I had already decided I was going to go to the tanning salon - so I went to the salon - I thought it might help me stay on track a bit - then I was sooo hungry (bad thing) the Slim Fast I drank at 7 a.m. had totally worn off by 10:30 - the closest place to the tanning salon was Fazoli’s - I got some backed pasta with cheese and 3 meatballs - and the darn thing came with 2 breadsticks - that I am sad to report didn’t even make it out of the darn parking lot — have you ever smelled those?  Mouthwatering!  They taste as good as those silly yogurt commercials make you think the yogurt tastes. . .on a positive note - I did get a diet coke!

Then I’m at work - ready to "accidently" trip my boss when he kept walking by my office, and my cell rings - it’s my friend, Lisa - who, last May, decided on a Tuesday she was going to sell her business and move to Costa Rica - and left three days later.  We emailed back and forth - and I told her I would come and see her after I lost weight so I could wear a swimsuit on the beach without looking like a beached whale. . .anyway, she came back to visit - so I told her to come over for dinner tonight - we ate salad (which I put way too much salad dressing on), garlic bread (did I mention I am a total carb freak?) and speghetti with meatballs that my husband had made. . .I’m feeling a bit Italian today - and I bet my breath will keep away all the evil ghosts hanging around (get it - garlic?!)

Anyway, tomorrow morning, I work out with Todd the Torturer (my personal trainer). . .I’m actually looking forward to it.  I also can’t wait for my bike to come in - it was such a beautiful day today I would have loved to go for a bike ride with my kids.

I’m still trying to figure out what is up with fish oil? 

I hope all of you had a great day!  I’m really tired - I haven’t slept well in a long time - any suggestions on how to sleep better at night?  I feel so much weaker about saying "No" to food when I’m tired.

Thanks for listening!

Marlene

Well, today started out good - with my husband looking over my shoulder (we’ll call him Rick - because that’s his name!) - I pulled out a non-fat yogart and peeled back that foil lid like a pro - and pulled a banana out and cut it up, mixing it in - hoping beyond hope that it would somehow mask the taste of that nasty stuff whose commercials make it look like the chicks are practically having orgasms while licking the foil lids - can you say FALSE ADVERTISING? Anyway, I was  straining to see the facial expression on Rick’s face - wondering - did he look at the history on my laptop and figure out I was doing this - and, gulp, did he see how much I actually weighed?  Is being over 270 lbs grounds for divorce in Missouri when your spouse weighs about 175 and is at about 9.5% body fat?  I sure hope not - he hasn’t said anything yet - and I sure hope he doesn’t-but then again that doesn’t mean anything - he should work as a spy for the US Government - he could be captured by the enemy and tortured and he would talk! 

Okay, so I choked down the yogert, took a a bottled water - chatted with Rick and listing all the things I had to do today - which included, but wasn’t limited to,  picking up the vacuum cleaner (Tuesdays are my day off work) - and Rick said, "Aren’t you going to the gym?"  "I don’t think I have time," I said (pretending the vacuum would actually get used by me even if I did pick it up today!)  Then, the little bugger had the nerve to tell me that the vacuum repair place didn’t open until 10 and it was only 8, so after I dropped the kids off at school - he figured I could be at the gym at - oh, 8:10 a.m. - Darn Lee’s Summit, MO for being so small!  So I went digging through all of his bottles of pills and took two "B Complex" and two "Green Tea" capsules - by the way - why in the world would someone take fish oil?  YECK!  Let me let you in on a little secret - take them with milk or juice or anything but water - because if you don’t get them down right away, the taste made me want to throw up! 

Okay - off to the gym I went - the two jerk guys (I’ll call them Jughead and Chuck - just for the heck of it) weren’t there!  Ha!  They were probably at McDonald’s eating a Delux Big Breakfast (not that I would ever do that myself, of course). . .anyway, I hopped up on the elipticle - God has such a great sense of humor - he made sure there was one open - RIGHT NEXT TO RICK!  UHG!  Okay, so I hopped on - oh good, things were looking up - at least 2 hot chicks and 3 that were my size or bigger – Just as I was programming the elipticle - trying to make sure Rick didn’t look over my shoulder to see when I programmed in my weight - my phone rang - it was my friend Robin - I’m sure I ticked off a ton of people up there - but I talked to her for 22 minutes - it went by quickly!  Then I put my ipod on - and was able to complete 52 minutes before I about died - I checked the internet on my phone to see what time the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic" was playing at our local movie theatre - 11:20 - perfect. . .I ran back home (okay, I drove), got cleaned up, mailed a box to my sister that I told her I mailed yesterday - oops! Stopped by Quick Trip and got another Figi Water (did I mention I just love the look of the bottle- isn’t it adorable?! Did some other boring stuff - picked up the vacuum cleaner and decided to buy another one so I wouldn’t have to lug the heavy one up and down the stairs all the time - well, okay, like once every two weeks.  Then I headed to the movie -

My first movie I went to by myself. . . did I mention I MIGHT have another problem besides food and my weight?  Possibly a little shopping issue. . .I paid more for a small popcorn and small soda than I would have for a large of both - but - I did it - Yay, me!  Okay - I got butter on the popcorn - I never get to get butter on the popcorn because Mr. Health Monster that I’m married to wouldn’t ever hear of it!  By the way, I know it was bad of me, but boy - it did taste good - and my hands felt really soft - or was that greasy?

Okay, the movie has now become my top favorite movie of all times (at least for this week) - without ruining it for all of you out there - the only part I had a huge problem with was when her roommate counted up all of her debt and it only came to $16k - are you flipping kidding me?  The chick lives in NY and she bought at least one Louis and one Prada purse (which I happen to know from personal experience cost roughly $810 and $635, respectively) and all of her debt only came to $16k?  I don’t think so!  But the movie was a riot - and brought back old memories for me before I got married to Mr. Never Bounced A Check nor Never Paid A Bill Late In His Life. . . remember yesterday or the day before when I said Rick had a saying that drove me nuts:  "It’s not complicated - calories in vs. calories out - 3,200 calories = a pound"?  Well, he also has another equally as icky saying, "It’s easy to stay out of debt - Don’t spend more than what you earn!"  Well, gee - why didn’t I think of that?????  So how come the more I earned the more I spent?  Food for thought! 

Okay, so the rest of my day was pretty blah, blah, blah - oh - except that right after the movie - I stopped by my friend Amy’s shop in downtown Lee’s Summit to tell her about the movie - which happens to be right next door to a Bike Shop - well - isn’t the President telling us we need to stimulate the economy?  Well, stimulate the economy I did!  I bought a bike - not just any bike - I had the owner order it - in PINK.  It will be here in 5-7 days - it’s way cool - the handle bars are high enough and the peddles are spaced appropriately so I don’t have to have curviture of my spine to ride it - and it has a nice big cushy seat on it!  I can’t wait - now I’m going to start going on bike rides with my kids (and hubby!). . .I really am excited about it!

I ate a peanut butter and jelly (low sugar strawberry) sandwhich and I put 10 choco chips on it (I usually put a handful - but I counted out only 10 and made a happy face out of them) . . .baby steps!

I got some e-mails from a couple of you out there which really helped!  Thank you!  I texted messaged my personal trainer Todd and he said "one blog at a time!"  He is too funny!

So, hopefully, tomorrow will be better (eating-wise) than today, and hopefully I am able to get my tushy up to the gym.  I weigh in with my trainer Thursday morning.  .  .gulp!

Goodnight - and thank you for all of your wonderful and positive comments!  I’m actually feeling like maybe I’m really not in this alone!

Hugs,

Marlene 

Well, I had an interesting - rude awakening type of day. . .when I got up this morning - I was greeted with two sick kids - I called the Dr. and had their appts for early morning - bummer - I was going to work out!  But wait - I forgot I was going to get that darn picture taken of me - it’s been a while since I had my picture taken without a professional photographer who was really good at making me look good in two-demension!  I got my 7 year old to snap the picture - when I saw it - I was horrified and embarrassed and had no idea I had let myself go. . .when I took the picture I thought I’d take it in my favorite jeans with my favorite shirt "By me something sparkly" it says - I love bling!  I am still in shock. . .

Well - I decided that the kids doctor’s appt weren’t until 9:50 and it was only 8:15.  I asked my husband to watch the kids while I went to the gym.  He could tell I’d been crying, and I still haven’t told him why — my son was so proud of himself for "taking a picture of Mommy with her expensive camera all by himself". . .well, I grabbed a bottle of water, my ipod and headed to the gym. 

For the first time in my life - I actually got humiliated there, too.  Two guys were standing behind the elipticles.  I just started.  I was trying to figure out how to use the ipod - and hadn’t turned it down yet.  The guys were wanting on the elipticals and they were all full.  One of them said, "She won’t be on it long - I get dibs on hers."  I put the music on, and tried very hard not to think about those guys.  Then a really hot girl came in front of my and got on the treadmill.  She was absolutely gorgious.  Then another female who, on any other day, I would have said, was a lot bigger than me, but to be honest - I’m not 100% sure - anyway - seeing both of them really helped motivate me.  I was on level 5 for 35 minutes and after programming my weight and age, I burned 452 calories.  I felt good.  I was about 6 minutes late to the kids doctor’s appointment - but it was totally worth it. 

I made my normal morning stop at Quick Trip where I usually get my 44 oz. Dr. Pepper.  Except this morning, I got a 32 oz. DIET Dr. Pepper and filled it to the top with ice first.  I then checked out the bottled water - let’s face it, I may be fat, but I am still materialistic and decided I liked the Fiji Water because the bottle was pretty cute.  I got two of them, and a triple decker sandwhich (instead of those incredibly yummy breadsticks that I’m sure have 3 days worth of calories in them.  I ate 1/2 the sandwhich on my way to work, and ate the other 1/2 at lunch. 

After work, my husband had frozen pizza made for the kids - I had a piece (as opposed to a pizza).  I did eat a cookie at a Vender Fair that I was forced to go to since I’m on the Board of my kid’s elementary school PTA. . . .but that was it. . .I actually said, "No" to all the edible goodies that were thrust upon me in an effort to entice me to recommend we use them for our school fundraiser. . .

I got home and now, at this time of night, when I’m usually checking out what yummy items I can find in the kitchen to scarf down - because you know, if no one sees you eat it - it doesn’t count - right?!  Well, instead, I grabbed a banana, cut it up, mixed it with a yogert, and I did drink a glass of skim milk - but that’s it.  I decided to get on Body Space, download my pathetic picture - make it official - and now, I am going to bed - and NOT by way of the kitchen!  Wish me luck to get through the night!

I’m looking forward until tomorrow!  I know, looking back, I didn’t make great food choices and, according to my husband (and my trainer), I should be taking in about 1,800 calories a day. . .have you seen that iphone commercial where it "has an app for that" to look up calories — hummmmmm, I’m thinking I could justify breaking my Sprint PCS contract for $200 and going to switch to AT&T to get that phone so I could use that "app to look up calories" — do you think my husband would buy that excuse????

I’ve decided I’m going to keep the outfit I had on for the picture this morning, and I will take my updated pictures in them each week. . .

Upon losing my first 20 lbs, I’m going to start tanning at the salon. . .and for every 10 lbs I lose - I’ve decided I’m getting a new pair of shoes.    Here’s to hoping I need another closet just for my shoes!  Wow - for 100 lbs lost - that’s FIFTY pairs of shoes - I might have a hard time hiding that many from my husband - but, hopefully, if - no WHEN - I lose 100 lbs. hopefully my husband will be looking at me and not the close of shoes!!!!

Say some prayers for me, please - I really need them.  Also - a big thank you to Todd Clites at BodyTempleFit here in Lee’s Summit - my trainer - who has made me feel comfortable about working out and has given me the ability to see that there is a starting point and it’s little steps - so it doesn’t seem so overwhelming. . .

See y’all tomorrow!

Okay, I know this is Sunday - the day of rest, and I’m up for an excuse not to exercise. . .I am the Queen of excuses!  So, I thought I would at least take the first step of My Year of Me!  I’d do my first blog.  I’d log on, create an account and - just lay it out on the line.  So, as boring aas it is, here it is:

For the past years, I have tried to do what I thought everyone else wanted me to do:  I brought my elderly parents in to live with my husband and me, along with our two young children.  In order to do this, we had to sell our house, their house, and buy a new one that was set up with a master  bedroom on the main level that would accomidate my father’s physical challenges that seem to get worse as the years went on.  My parents were amazing parents - I was blessed with the ability to be able to give back just a little of the love and care my parents gave to me and my 2 siblings during our lives - they were amazing.  I say "were" because my Dad, after a long and painful fight with lymphoma and low platelettes, he passed away about a year ago.  Fortunately, he was able to pass away, with the help of Kansas City Hospice, in our home. n Upon his passing, I noticed the amazing decline in my mother (my parents were married 55 years) .  To this day, I’m not sure if her mental decline was happening, and Dad was "covering" and "protecting" her, or if it expedited after Dad’s death - I don’t know - My Mom has had parkinson’s for 12 years and suffers from Alzheimer’s.  Physically, the woman could do a marathon.  I had a hard time keeping up with her when we went for walks.  Unfortunately, her mind, for the most part, is gone. There were numerous instances while living together that she put rubber bands away in the dishwasher, and toilet paper (after we took a trip to the grocery store) and put it in the oven.  She’d use the heating vents in the house as "driers" to dry her clothes.  There were so many other things, too.  A few weeks ago, my mother had a stroke.  She ended up in Kansas City Hospice House for two weeks.  She recovered from the stroke, but it was evident at that time, it was not safe for my husband, children, me, nor my mother, for her to return home with us - I couldn’t look after her anymore.  I was forced to put her in a nursing home.  It sucks - she hates me for it - and doesn’t understand why she can’t come home when I go and visit her.  I have put my reading glasses on and a ball cap to go and see her so she won’t know who I am so our visits can be a bit less agitating for her. 

During all of this, my husband doesn’t know how to be supportive - so, of course, I do what I always did - turn to food.  I have allowed myself to get to a point where it’s way out of hand, and I didn’t even know where to begin.  Walking up the 15 steps to get upstairs to my kids rooms left me out of breath.  I’m not sleeping well, and the chick that used to be a "hottie" looking me back in the mirror is now - gosh, I don’t think I’ve ever actually called myself this - but I’m fat.  Duh!  Okay, now that we are being totally honest - I’m OBESE. 

I’ve never been treated in my personal life nor my professional life with any of the bigotry I’ve heard of obese (yikes - I guess that describes me, too!). . .I’m a Realtor, and a darn good one if I do say so myself, and I haven’t ever lost a listing do to being fat, I’ve never been treated differently that I am aware of at all by the people around me.  

However, now 43 years old, I realize now that my health is quickly becoming the pits.  It’s nothing short of a miracle that I don’t have sleep apnia, high blood pressure, and countless other problems.  I think it’s now or never.  I have two children under the age of 10 and I want to not just be around when they grow up - I want to be active in their lives.  I want to start setting good, healthy examples for both of them - especially my daughter, before she starts suffering the emotional abuse that many overweight children have, brought on by kids. . .yesterday, she said, "Mommy - my tummy is fat."  Ouch.  I sure don’t want her to have low self esteem.  She has a big heart - and loves to help people.   

So, now that my husband has stopped verbally badgering me about my weight - I realize that "Wow, if I were him, would I be excited about holding me and being seen with me?"  I know he loves me, but I wouldn’t mind if he’d "lust" after me! 

I decided in January that 2009 was going to be "The Year of Me", with each week having a minimium of one day being "Me Day".  Then I looked at the calendar, and noticed that January was history, and February was almost gone - YIKES!  That’s almost 60 days I wasted saying I was going to start "tomorrow".

I am a wife to Rick, who is at between 9 - 10% body fat.  He works out every day; and is such a hardbody I say he’s not even fun to hug anymore because he’s just too "hard".  But who am I kidding - on the rare occassion when I go to the gym, men and women talk about him - saying, "Look at that guy - he is ripped". . .heck, my only personal trainer even mentioned Rick’s probably in better physical shape than pretty much anyone else at the gym.    Rick is, by far, not the most compassionate, understanding person in the world, and I’ve used his "It’s not complicated - calories in virsus calories out" speech to me to justify my flipping him off by eating cookies, carbs, and everything else you can think of that would tick him off. . .guess what?  My response is hurting me. 

My daughter, who is a beautiful elementary school student, definately has not only my genes, but my horrible eating habits and lack of desire to get out and exercise.   

Now, I’ve hired a fitness trainer - Todd Clites who owns Body Temple Fit here in Lee’s Summit, MO - he told me about BodySpace - I thought he was nuts, but then I started thinking. . .well, he does know, I need to be accountable - if I fail - I will be, so to speak, doing it publically.  Hopefully, the accountability will help.  Todd also told me he believed BodySpace was a good support area.  We’ve only had a couple of sessions - I kept telling myself I would call him AFTER I LOST about 20 lbs. myself (sort of like when you go around and clean your house BEFORE the housekeeper comes so she won’t see what a total slob you are - yep - that’s me, too!). . .well, my weight kept going up, and I finally bit the bullet and emailed him - I didn’t even have the nerve to call him - I told him I was ready.  I told him why I had been waiting to contact him - Todd told me "Pride is overrated’. 

We’ve worked out, I think 4 times now.  I have been slithering on BenGay like it was chocolate sauce all over me each night when we work out, but it feels great.  Now, for the other part of it - the Dr. Pepper, cookies, oversized portions of - well, everything (except of course, veggies - those, I will actually have to measure out to make sure I get the minimum!  Unless the veggies are swimming in butter and salt - they are just - well, icky.

So, after a weekend filled with perfectly cheesy potato soup, and homemade beer bread (I make it with pop, but still - just as calorie filled), Otis Spunkmyer cookies (I know, I told myself since they were cranberry oatmeal - they were okay!  Seriously - for a smart person, I am amazingly a "here’s your sign" person when it comes to this stuff! 

Anyway, as they say in AA - one day at a time; however, for me, it’s going to be one hour at a time for a long time.  For many it’s an either or - they eat right, but just need to exercise, or they love to exercise, just need to ‘watch’ what they eat.  For me, it’s both! 

Here’s to the real beginning to: The Year of Me.  My plan is to get up, eat something healthy (like yogart and a banana), take my kids to school, then head to the gym before I go to work.  We’ll see. . .say some prayers for me - I’m gonna need them! 

I will also get a picture taken and posted this week - it’s amazing how I have managed to not get in front of the camera for a long time - I’ve been behind the lense!!!! 

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