Making_A_Change’s BodyBlog

I recieved my suits in the mail, the other day–my teal two piece and deep purple one-piece. Due to an ordering mistake (that was quickly and professionally resolved, by the way), the suits even had a few more stones than I expected! They are beautiful, the pictures don’t do them justice. When I removed them from the box, it was like being in a dream sequence.

I was so excited to try them on. I took a shower, because these are the most expensive item I currently own, and tried them on. Was I disgusted? No. I was actually pleasantly surprised. Did I get anxious? Yes. While I didn’t recoil in terror, it was painfully obvious that I can’t miss a beat over the next few weeks. I played with the strings, tried to figure out how to work the falsies, pranced around a bit, and gingerly put everything in the paper that it came in.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. After total of 4 weight and cardio workouts in two day, I am feeling like someone who has gone 9 rounds with a champion fighter, and lost. To make matters worse, it’s a leg day. My heavy legs are dragging from excercise to excercise, my eyes are heavy, I am breathing hard, and I wonder if I am going to make it through the workout. But the reality is that I don’t have a choice. So, I push forward. I have to sit and regroup through after most circuits as the room becomes unsteady and/or my head feels foggy. My thoughts are drawn to the graduate school articles that I haven’t read and the group presentation that I haven’t done. I think about the fit of the suits and how unforgiving they are. I am thinking about this stupid workout that I have to finish and I just don’t have the energy. Tears start to well up in my eyes. Are you kidding me? I feel like I am going to cry and I swear if I were sweatier at the time, I would have. So, I finish working my legs and do somen abs as a finisher.

I do finish. And I can put another workout down in the books. This is really hard. It is probably the harders thing that I have ever done. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. I have people, on and off-line, who have been so supportive, but it can still  be isolating. The prep is consuming. What am I going to eat? When am I going to workout? Do I have enough chicken in my lunch? I have 4 more weeks. I know this time is going to fly–which is why I have started to countdown in days. And yet, I am still here with no reservations. This is what I want to do!

 As I sit here, I am preparing to go meet my trainer at 5:30. One more workout down. I’ll try not to cry.

I wish I could say this. Over the passed few days I have had several comments that I am looking ‘thin’ or my clothes are ‘a little big’. And it TRUE! There is definitely something happening and this is with a few more carbs in me. My weight has remained about the same, but some cuts are coming through. At the same time, I look small and weak in my clothes. I never thought I would say this–I like how I look naked BETTER than what I look like in clothes, right now.

At the gym, with just my tank top and shorts you can see the veins running down my arms and quads, the muscle fibers in my shoulders, and the separation between my pecs. You can see me curl 30 pound dumbells. You can witness me fighting for a few more reps. But in my clothes–I look sickly. My booty is flat. My face is getting thinner. Sigh. Putting on muscle, as one of my friends says, is more than a notion. It’s defintely harder than dropping body fat. It feels like I am at this crossroads. I am developing more muscle, slowly. This is good. But I am looking forward to ‘filling out’ a bit more. I was asked recently if being a size 4 was ‘fun’. It was novel, and now I am over it. I think I have even made a few more allowances, carb-wise, than I should because I am feeling a bit uncomfortable. I am getting myself together, blogging about it, and going to see this thing to the end. But it’s a head trip to say the least. Just over a year ago, I am having a tough time finding something that hides the rolls. And now, I am layering my clothes so I don’t look like I am undernourished! Don’t get me started on slacks-ew. Those look so bad on me.

I trained back and biceps tonight. I followed that up with 30 minutes of cardio. I was feeling week, but it’s because the lady time is coming. Once things start ‘moving along’, I’ll feel strong, again.

Off to bed. Gotta get up at 4 to eat, train, and repeat.

It’s coming, my lady time. Man! I was looking lean and mean and now—not so much. Yesterday’s leg workout was good. Moderate weights, high reps, followed by plyometrics. That was a fun change! I am taking today off to get some mad studying in and then it’s full steam ahead for the rest of the week. Off to get the little one to bed and to study–in that order. Tomorrow is back and biceps (my favorite) followed by 20-30 minutes of cardio. Then evening cardio after going to the library–sigh.

I can admit it. Housekeeping has gone by the wayside. It just seems like it is the last thing that needs to be done and by the time I can get to it, I am dog tired. I just had my meal and BOY it was good. Salmon, spinach, and beets. It was 45 minutes until I was scheduled to eat–I am sticking to this schedule. I was drinking my water, but it wasn’t helping. So, I start cleaning–doing dishes, washing down walls, vacuuming, organizing bookshelves, folding laundry-whatever I need to do. The funny part is that when I look up, I still had quite a bit of waiting to do before eating.

The husband is about to go grocery shopping. It sure has become easy to shop for me–chicken, spinach, blueberries, oatmeal, walnuts or almonds, and yams. That’s it. I’ll through in a few peppers, marinara, or a BBQ sauce for interest, but that is about it for me. Once he returns, I’ll cook and cube the chicken and put 3 oz. servings in plastic bags, bag 1/4 c. servings of yams, and that about does it. Off to finish unbraiding Little One’s hair, wash it, and do more cleaning while on this ‘high’. Next meal–2.5 hours.

My pre and postworkout meal is 1 scoop of Isopure protein powder, a few crushed walnuts, blueberries (frozen now that they are out of season and/or a hundred dollars per container), cinnamon, and 1/4-1/2c of dry oats, depending on what the workout is–back and legs get a bit more. Since learning that I need carbs and protein before working out oatmeal has been, not only a staple, but a saving grace. And the best part is, is that I am learning what my body needs and I can have oatmeal. My plan is to keep it throughout my prep, tapering off to 1/4c per meal regardless of training. I must be getting into the harder part of pre if I am jockin’ oatmeal.

This morning, I worked abs for about 30 minutes. I can see abs! They are there, I just need to push harder. I have to go back to the gym tonight for more posing, abs, calves, and triceps. My legs are dragging from yesterday’s workout, but I love it. I did get in some posing practice and noticed that my quads are divided into 3 parts, now! I am almost looking forward to the second competition so that I can really work on the legs and glutes, more!! My legs have become more lean and longer looking, a little skinny in my opinion. But they have a nice shape to them.

This blog makes little sense and has an awkward sequence. I’m tired and it’s a low carb day–two more to go. I really like this carb cycle, now that I am used to it. It is definitely something that I am going to keep up after this October show.

I had several poor, poor workouts this week and was wondering why. Well, it was because I wasn’t eating. I was eating but I was not eating enough. I am currently teaching 5 back to back classes or 5th and 6th graders with my breaks being a 20 minute snack and their 40 minute lunch, which is always a working lunch. I finally got my groove. The 20 minute break is a shake–shake it, drink it–done. AND I can finish it while I teach if I need to. During lunch I just make the time–that’s it. I had to make the time. I have frozen 1/4 c. sweet potatoes, shred or cube chicken, and I have switched to spinach which cooks fast ( 1 min. in the microwave) or I can just eat it raw.  I had to adjust to my new schedule and I only had a few days to do it. I think I got, it though. It’s amazing what a few good, complete, clean meals in you can do.
My workout with Billy went so well–lower back, bis, and he threw in squats whenever possible. I looked in the mirror today and things are coming along. My suit is on it’s way! The hotel has been reserved. The make-up is purchased. I have someone to help me apply it. The showtime shoes are here. I got my tanner dude. I bought some extra tickets for close friends. I just need to keep posing. My ankle is so STIFF, though. I can pull off the posing. But now, my walk is off. Oh well, ice it and keep at it!

It is so disappointing when you are feeling strong and pounding the weights one day (twice a day), then the following day you feel like crap. This morning I was supposed to do back and abs and I couldn’t get passed one set–I kid you not. Okay, body weight stuff…no, I’m going to lose my oats. I stretch and settled on posing practice. Tonight was no better. I got one respectable circuit in followed by posing practice, but nothing to be incredibly impressed by. What is this? I am feeling leaner, pumps are easier to come by, but lately I feel weird. Are my carbs too low? Are my calories too low? I don’t know. My answer 1/4 c. more of oats and I am going to bed early tonight and resting tomorrow.