Making_A_Change’s BodyBlog

I woke up to sore everything? Geesh, that’s good but, wow. I am really stiff. The extra hour of sleep would be great if I could get back to sleep sometimes. On weekends, it’s fine to spend the next 45 minutes getting back to sleep, becuase then I actually have more time to get a few hours in. During the week, when I toss and turn for an hour, I might as well have just gone to the gym. But I know the body needs time to read and rejuvenate and that is what today is–even if it is lying in bed thinking about the next day’s workout. Tomorrow will either be a chest or back day. It depends on what is sore. There is no better feeling than knowing that you have madde your muscles work and, if you can stay discliplined over the long-run, you can watch them grow.

I don’t have any belts. Every single belt that I have is too big. Those jeans that I spent the last 6 months getting into, are too big in the waist, now. I have an old belt of my husband’s that I poked some new holes in, but I really need to get my own–and he reminds me fo that. I had some new jeans on backorder since late September and had to send them back. I don’t where that size anymore.

Surprisingly, I have weighed in at 160-161 the past few mornings. This pattern has been pretty consistent with me. Steady weigh-ins for 3-4 weeks, sometimes longer. Then, BOOM, a few pounds lighter–usually after my cycle ends. If I indeed hold steady at 160 that will be a 25 pound loss, just 10 pounds shy of the original goal. Then onward and upward to new goals–whatever those are. Some people use measurements. I am finding it difficult because I don’t know what to shoot for. I don’t know what my body will do. Can I get my waist to 29"? I don’t know. Is that even doable since I am currently at 32"? Or bicep measurements? How big can my arms get? I do know that mini-challenges have helped to give me a bit more focus and just make more more cognizant of what I am doing. My first personal challenge was with the abs and I worked my way up to 20 hanging leg lifts. Then, I focused on my back and in two months I saw alot of changes there. I think I am going to challenge myself to a ab/leg challenge. I think the challenge is that I can only work them hard 2 times per week. With abs I did those every other day, I did the same thing with my back. I am going to give myself 4 weeks and see what I can do. I still don’t think my calves are going to get any bigger–they just don’t grow.

I had my first leg day with Billy and ooooh-boy I have never had a leg day like that. We did drop sets, plyometrics, and used the hack squat cage. I wanted to puke. I was making the most obnoxious noises–kinda of cross between an orgasm and constipation. I said, "You’re trying to kill me". He just laughed because he knows I love it. Warm up was jumping onto steps with and without the kettle ball and tricep push ups with 10# dbs, pushing up into and kneeling shoulder press. On the leg extension machine, he asked what was the most weight I used. I said 105#. That’s the most I’ve done for 12 reps. He puts the pin in at 120# and tells me to do 3 reps. I do it. He does 130# 3 more reps. Then, I stopped looking and just did the number of reps he said to do. It’s hard to really push yourself physically and keep your eyes open–try it! If you can, you probably look crazy.  He worked me up to 90# on the hack squat machine with lots of assistance. But I will say my shoulders looked awesome hold the bar. 21’s with squats, and hamstring curls were also on the menu. So, we have done ‘the cycle’ so to speak. Next week, we start all over again. He would like me to do legs 2 x per week. Every week, I have learned something new, and have integrated it into what I do. I love training this way. It’s fun. It’s interesting. And it’s working. It really does keep me on my toes. I take my vitamins and flax seed oil religiously, because I need it and want to improve.

I find my mind wandering and wondering what the next 5 months holds. That will be a year into this serious attempt at a transformation and true shift in the way that I view fitness, my behavior, and my goals. I love the way that even though you look like you have ‘made it’ and have the ‘perfect body’, you can still sculpt and manipulate it. I think thenewchamp was right on when she called it artistry. It really is. It is like you start off with this blog of clay–literally a blob sometimes and you pinch, mold, and smooth the block and come out with this sculpture that is surprising. That is the way that I feel now. I haven’t seen my waist in years. I haven’t been satisfied with my body for years. I used to talk about myself in the past tense. I used to have a great figure. I used to look like this ‘back in the day’. I guess I’ve come to realize that don’t want to talk about myself in the past tense. I want to be in the present, make changes, making improvements, being better–doing better. Barring extreme medical conditions being fit and healthy can be such a relief, such a sanctuary. At least it is for me. And as I write this, I even have to re-evaluate what extreme is. One this site alone, you can read about people being close to death because of eating disorders or accidents, battling chronic illnesses, battling illness that have yet to be named, depression, addiction, and morbid obesity. Aren’t those extreme? And to think about the excuses that I used–being tired, no parking, not wanting to wake up. It’s laughable, now. It is really a privilege and a blessing to be able to get up and be active and have the choice to do so.

So much of what I am doing now has trickled down to other parts of my life. I am more confident in my work. I am more playful with my husband. I even made him a couple of [ahem] provocative PowerPoint presentations. Me? I’ve never done anything like that! There was nothing that I would have wanted to look at, much less wanted him to look at.  I can be more active with my daughter. I am able to see myself as a disciplined person. And dare I say it? But a fit-ter person. There is so much physical, emotional, and social baggage tied to weight. I also feel alot of pride. I am proud of the way that I am approaching this challenge. Day by day, week by week, I try to make the best decisions I can and be consistent. When I don’t make the best decision, I know that there is a sacrifice to be made–working harder, more water, exercising more control the next day. With this, I feel balanced and in control, but certainly not stifled. Afterall, this is a lifestyle that I have chosen.

Well, yesterday’s less than stellar diet left me lethargic, sluggish, slow, lazy, etc. this morning. Could barely manage to get through the workout. The body knows what it needs. No matter how hard I tried to push it, the body said, nope ain’t happenin’. Not a completely wasted morning, but not what I wanted to do either. I have tomorrow off, thank goodness. I am going to have a GREAT workout, clean the apartment from top to bottom and shampoo my carpets. And if I have time, give myself a much needed pedicure. My cousin is back from Iraq. Now, I have someone I can talk to about protein and working out! Woo! So far, the eating is fine. And I am determined to make sure that the rest of the day goes fine as well. I love feeling good and feeling energetic. I love getting all pumped up and sweaty. And today I don’t feel that. Nothing but good stuff today. Fruits, veggies, salmon….that’s it.

While riding in the car, my husband was hungry so I offered him one of the protein bars that I keep in the back seat. My daughter pipes up and says, "Daddy, you can’t eat those. Those are mommy’s. You don’t go to the gym. You have a big belly like Santa Claus". The she does this miniacle laugh. That’s my girl….

I tried a new whey protein product. I got a banana flavored one, because that is what I like in the BSN Dessert line. The new one is so gross, it’s too sweet. The worse part is that the jar is hellza huge! I am going to see if adding some bananas makes it any better, but I don’t think it is. I’m going to drink it any way.

Today, my appetite is a bit off. The only thing that I’ve had so far is a protein shake (and not all of it) and a bunch of sesame sticks. And those things are loaded with fat. I am going to have my packaged salmon for lunch. But I’m just not hungry for some reason. I have been drinking more water, though. So, that’s good.

This morning’s workout was 30 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of abs. It was pretty good. Looking forward to hitting the weights tomorrow. Back/biceps and plenty squats, of course. There will be no squats after Friday, though. I want to be fresh for Monday’s workout–woo!

As far as school goals, I decided to take a year off. I am working way too many hours to make it work right now. I was thinking about returning in the the spring, but I don’t know if it’s an option, yet. We’ll see how I feel in December. I feel good about my decision and now I can focus on getting my home in order and my daughter. We are long overdue for a playdough date.

Update: Today’s eating was super terrible. Don’t know what is up. Had the sesame sticks, chocolate, then ice cream. Just a parade of trash. Luckily, I don’t slack when it comes to the gym. Tomorrow, back to the the good meals. Weird day. I am at the end of my cycle, so it’s uncharateristic for me to eat this way afterwards.

Man, another great session with the PT. We did chest, shoulders, and triceps–and of course, he threw in squats, squats, and more squats. Just when I think I am getting it, he throws something new my way. I did these circuits where I did chest press/flye combinations with my legs up to activate my abs, directly into v-sit crunches with shoulder presses; laying on my back with a 5# db in one arm and rolling up to the standing position (hard as hell!). Then he had me sitting on the edge of the bench with a 30# bb and w/ an overhand grip, stand up then press up the bb, moved to deadlifts/shoulder presses, laying and putting legs on and off a ball while pressing 10# weights out in front of me. Lastly, a deadlift, squat, shoulder press/calf raise move to a standing crunch/oblique move. I wanted to just drop. Today, I grunted and pushed. Hey, I’m paying for this experience–so I’m milking this cow!
Our next meeting is going to be legs. I hope I don’t throw-up. I am going to make sure that I eat something. What is the muscle that is on either sider of your neck? My shoulders and that muscle looked so freakin’ awesome. I told him I wished I could just keep that pump all day. It really was a peek into the future and I want it! I want to do a leg day early this week, then wait for Monday. I wanted to run yesterday, but my legs were weak from the squatting the day before. He knows his stuff and makes the other PT’s look awful. I saw one lady working with her PT this morning and they talked…alot! I can barely speak to Billy until the end of our session. So I use graceful gestures like:

The Big-Eyed Eyebrow Raise: That was hella hard! or You’re crazy!

The One-Eyed Eyebrow Raise with Elvis Lip or Verbalized, Huh?: Can you do that/show me that, again?

Hands on Hip Verbal ‘Woo!’-What are you doing to me?

Hands on Hip Non-Verbal ‘Woo’!-Can’t talk now, you’re killing me.

Eyes-Closed Poop Face-Are you sure you are counting, because I can’t do this! (But of course I do because, apparently, the PT/client relationship is quite sadistic.)

The Pirate Chest Press-Pressing with one eye becuase there is sweat in it and I don’t want to stop until the last rep is finished
I swear I get really stupid. I don’t know if it is because the moves are new or just that my body is that spent, but sometimes I can’t remember what he just showed me. Such is life…

October 7

Today, I wanted to run but the legs weren’t willing. So I made it a brisk walk around the lake. It was a beautiful day, I had my daughter in the stroller, it just doesn’t get any better! She fell asleep and I kept walking. I had a few more carbs than I would have liked this weekend. We went to the inlaws’. I defintely feel a bit bloated, so I’ll take it easy on the carbs tomorrow and get back to normal. Tomorrow is my third session with the PT and I can’t wait.

My wedding dress was sitting up in the closet and I decided to try it on. I am almost back in it. It is a really nice dress, simple and elegant. I never properly stored it or anything. I was thinking about doing that. There is not much more to report, other than I am thoroughly engrossed in this lifestyle. The physical and emotional benefits are enormous. Between the eating and the actual work in the gym, I think the eating is the most challenging–and I am talking about the frequency. Sometimes I am actually tired of eating.

This morning turned out to be my rest day. I really needed to sleep, so I treated myself to the extra hour. So, I just hit is hard for the rest of the week–no problem. I am really sore today. My triceps, hamstrings, calves, back, and abs are sore. I guess that’s why I needed the rest this morning. I love the soreness, though. It means that I gave my all on Monday and can rea the benefits. So, I left class early today, practically in tears. I am frustrated at how far behind I am. I am doing really well at work, even got complimented on my performance. But as far as school goes, my effort clearly does not reflect my sensibilities. I take great pride in my work and what I produce, needless to say, producing jack crap really leaves me feeling bad. So, I sent an e-mail to my advisor to discuss the option of withdrawing for a semester or two. The response that I get in the next few hours with determine what is next for me. School is always going to be there. But my daughter won’t always be 3 1/2. I am tired of being tired. I don’t want to just ‘do’ school; I want to be actively engaged. I don’t want to get a Master’s degree on excuses and partial readings. I want to be committed. Right now, I’m not. I don’t have the energy. We’ll see. I have to do some soul searching. A few months of ‘just working’ would do me good.

In other news, I don’t have any belts. There isn’t one belt in the entire apartment that fits me. I had to take one of my husband’s old belts and put a hole in it with a knife. It’s a great problem to have. I did my measurements and my waist has decreased by an inch. And, this morning, I weighed in at 162. I also realized that I am due for some progress pictures. I’ll do that in the next few days, it always fun to see how your body changes.

This morning’s workout was fabulous! I was super focused and really did some good work. I topped it all off my running 2 miles @ 6.0 mph. It is hard to describe what I did, there are so many movements,now. It went something ike this:

On cable machine-

SS1 

squat/row/shoulder raise: 20#, 15 reps

standing alternating woodchops

SS2 (#?, 15 reps, 3 sets)

Diagnal pull down to opposing ankle/squats

Diagnal ab crunch w/leg lifts

I don’t know the names of the things that we do, it is so varied. I can only describe it. I am missing something in there, but it felt great. Then, I did lat pull downs and single armed rows. Tomorrow, will be straight cardio on the elliptical machine with the handles. I understand what Billy (that’s the PT’s name) was saying about building a foundation, now. We will begin Week 3 on Monday and squatting my own bodyweight is easier and my knees don’t hurt, at all.

October 5 

Today, the plan was to work a single body part, doing chest presses for example, then a compound move from the PT. It is tough! I am building up my endurance, for sure. I combined flyes and presses, counting it as one rep. I liked doing that, it made me work a little harder. There is still a little deflation of the ego because I am not hitting as many machines and I am certainly not doing as much weight. But I feel like the quality of my workouts has improved. Even though I lifted for maybe 30 minutes followed by running for 10 minutes, I was tired–just as tired as when I spend and hour + at the gym. I love the challenge, though. And it forces me to be more creative. I am getting there. I typically don’t eat in the mornings, but I am really going to have to drink something or eat a piece of fruit so my workouts can be really good!
I was struggling this morning. First, my eyes POPPED open at 4 a.m. and I couldn’t get back to sleep. My 3 1/2 year old crawled into bed with us at that time and sneezed, scratched, and gurgled for a good 15-20 minutes before going back to sleep. Then I couldn’t find my glasses. I can workout without them, but I can’t drive. I’m blind as a bat. Then, I couldn’t find my car keys. By this point, I wanted to crawl back into bed. But I needed to get my workout in. So glad that I did, it felt good today. I haven’t had a leg day in a while. I am not too worried since squats and incorporated into my regular workouts, now. Tomorrow, however, I am going to do just a leg day.

My own legs are starting to look foreign to me. Has anyone had this experience with a body part of theirs? I look in the mirror and they just look so different. It is especially evident while I am working out. They look small. They are definitely stronger-looking and firmer, but they look small to me. While getting my clothes together, I looked at my pants and they looked small. It’s weird, I don’t know how to see myself sometimes, as evidenced with the size 12 pants. I think there is a nagging piece of self-conciousness, deep in there, that comes with all of this change? What if I look too different? What if I become self-conscious from people saying, dang, you’re too-ooo skinny/small for your height/looking sickly/[enter other comments here] Sure, my BodySpace friends are encouraging, but people here share a common interest and appreciation for fitness. It is certainly not going to stop what I am doing.

October 3

If my body is a confused as I was at the gym this morning, then I guess that’s a good thing. So, for Week 1 I practiced some of the moves that my PT showed me. This week, I integrated his moves with what I have been doing. I almost felt new to the gym. I looked at machines differently, had to make a few adjustments, added the weight bench to the mix, and generally just trying to get used to new moves. I did sweat more. And I know I’ll get better with practice. I am going to have to plan what I am going to do in advance. My legs seem a little tighter and I am definitely hungrier!

So, I am out doing recess and I think, "Wow. I am doing recess in my size 10 jeans!" It makes me wanna holla, "Hey, ya’ll these are 10’s!". Then I realized that I have hit one of my big, long-term goals. It’s been about 7 months of hard work, small victories, small defeats, and a lot of personal growth. I am no where near how I want to look, but I am very happy with what I have so far. I want to be harder and more muscular. I really do love the look and wonder what I would look like like that. I’ve never had abs, even when I was smaller. I’ve never had biceps or bulging quads. I’ve said it once, but Im’ma say it, again. Next summer is going to be off the hook. I think I did make a mistake getting the size 12 jeans. By the end of the day, with wear, they were hanging off of my butt. At this point, the only thing that would delay me from reaching my goal is pregnancy. And now I have the tools and determination to get my body back after 6 months or so.
Back to the school issue: I’ve got to think of a plan to get back on track. I mean, I get to the gym by 5 just about every morning. Surely, I can think of a plan to get my work done. By the end of the day, I am just exhausted. I couldn’t think of reading a book, much less developing some deep, underlying understanding of the material. That’s just my frustration talking. I love being in school, I am just completely overwhelmed.

October 4

Today, is my off day for the week. Tomorrow will be chest, triceps, and abs–we’ll see how I feel and what is sore. Did I mention that I love my job.  I feel like I am in a place that I am going to grow professionally and personally. It’s great to work at a place where you don’t mind going. My day begins at 7:30 so it really helps that I enjoy being there. I think it is the children that really make my day. Their problems, the  meltdowns, the victories, the funny quotes, the familiar games all resonate with me and take me back to my own 5th grade experience and make me think about the things that I thought were soo-ooo important.

My school places alot of emphases on health. As a matter of fact, our PE program is called Health and Wellness to accommodate nutrition, sustainability studies, literacy activities, etc. It is a really powerful program and we have an amazingly talented facilitator. Time to finish my shake and get to work…

This morning was 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical with the handles–pedaling forwards and backwards. That really makes my thighs burn. Tomorrow, it get to hit the weight room. I’ll alternate the traditional movements with some of the multi-plane/movement moves that the PT has done with me. I can’t wait!

School is going so-so. If only I was as disciplined in my studies as I am in the gym. [Sigh.]